On relationships
I was talking with various friends this week about their relationships, and thinking about good and bad relationships, and realized I've seen a lot of sub-optimal patterns. Here's the payload from that train of thought. (It's only tangentially related to my recent relationship circumstances.)
These are general fears I have about the relationships of that the kick-ass women (well, everyone, but mostly women) in my life. For every one of these patterns I can tell you a sad story of a(t least one) friend with good intentions.
1- In business, "perfect is the enemy of good," because you have to ship sometime. In relationships, I feel that "good enough" is the enemy of good, and a lot of people settle for good enough, because they can't conceive of getting anything better (see also Mr. Right Now, only right now ends up stretching on for many years). Sometimes this is because they haven't seen many really good relationships as role models, sometimes it's because their personal relationship history has been bleak.
2- "But he loves me." The unspoken half of the sentence is "and I'm afraid no one else will", or "and that validates me and gives me a purpose," or both.This is a tricky one. Deservedness is a bitch. Fear of loneliness sucks. We all suffer from it. If the mostly-ok thing we've got seems like the last chance we'll get, we'll settle. Beggars can't be choosers, and all that. This is based in fear and scarcity and leads to a lot of #1.
EDIT: See also http://asofterworld.com/index.php?id=771
3- Inertia: "well, we're here..." I asked a friend why he decided to get married. He said "It was either that or lose her, and I wasn't ready to lose her, so..." Needless to say they're now divorced.
4- "It'll get better." Last week I had lunch with a friend, who, 8 years into a relationship, married, and with a toddler, has realized her husband will never be as comfortable with emotional or physical intimacy as she'd like. He made some progress for a while, but that was a long time ago. He's a great practical and intellectual partner, but not the romantic partner she wants. She'd hoped he'd change more, but he didn't. (She also told me I'd called this emotional mismatch before they even started dating.)
5- "Turns out we're both submissive" or "I'm kinky, she's totally vanilla" or "my libido is 3x my partner's." I know some couples who are in the first boat, I've been in the second and third boats a couple of times. People end up either feeling like they're not enough, or their requests are unreasonable. It sucks all around.
6- Serial Monogamy. I've seen MANY women, a few months out of a long relationship, fall into another long relationship with the first guy that's halfway decent to them. Usually, he's much better in the domain that the ex- was failing in (affection, finances, looks, whatever), so he looks like gold in comparison (and of course has his own flaws). With enough of these course corrections we can discover our preferences and build a profile of what really works for us, but it's faster if you're dating for a few months at a time instead of a few years.
7- "But sometimes it's really good!" That's true of abusive relationships too, or you'd have left a long time ago. Sometimes (really) Good implies often not-so-good.
In contrast to all of that, there is a lot to be said for, and a lot of power in, finding a pretty good match and simply choosing them to be your partner and committing to working with what you've got. (This is the satisficer approach. Contrast with maximizer.) I know some great relationships like this, and fundamentally, it's the only way to be successful in the long term. But it sure helps to start out as far ahead as you can, in terms of compatibility and happiness.
Now mind you, I'm 36 and single, and a maximizer, so relationship advice from me is worth what you paid. That said, I think I've accumulated some pretty good insight by watching other people, listening to them, and trying different relationship styles on. My plan is to find an amazing partner, and have an amazing relationship.
These are general fears I have about the relationships of that the kick-ass women (well, everyone, but mostly women) in my life. For every one of these patterns I can tell you a sad story of a(t least one) friend with good intentions.
1- In business, "perfect is the enemy of good," because you have to ship sometime. In relationships, I feel that "good enough" is the enemy of good, and a lot of people settle for good enough, because they can't conceive of getting anything better (see also Mr. Right Now, only right now ends up stretching on for many years). Sometimes this is because they haven't seen many really good relationships as role models, sometimes it's because their personal relationship history has been bleak.
2- "But he loves me." The unspoken half of the sentence is "and I'm afraid no one else will", or "and that validates me and gives me a purpose," or both.This is a tricky one. Deservedness is a bitch. Fear of loneliness sucks. We all suffer from it. If the mostly-ok thing we've got seems like the last chance we'll get, we'll settle. Beggars can't be choosers, and all that. This is based in fear and scarcity and leads to a lot of #1.
EDIT: See also http://asofterworld.com/index.php?id=771
3- Inertia: "well, we're here..." I asked a friend why he decided to get married. He said "It was either that or lose her, and I wasn't ready to lose her, so..." Needless to say they're now divorced.
4- "It'll get better." Last week I had lunch with a friend, who, 8 years into a relationship, married, and with a toddler, has realized her husband will never be as comfortable with emotional or physical intimacy as she'd like. He made some progress for a while, but that was a long time ago. He's a great practical and intellectual partner, but not the romantic partner she wants. She'd hoped he'd change more, but he didn't. (She also told me I'd called this emotional mismatch before they even started dating.)
5- "Turns out we're both submissive" or "I'm kinky, she's totally vanilla" or "my libido is 3x my partner's." I know some couples who are in the first boat, I've been in the second and third boats a couple of times. People end up either feeling like they're not enough, or their requests are unreasonable. It sucks all around.
6- Serial Monogamy. I've seen MANY women, a few months out of a long relationship, fall into another long relationship with the first guy that's halfway decent to them. Usually, he's much better in the domain that the ex- was failing in (affection, finances, looks, whatever), so he looks like gold in comparison (and of course has his own flaws). With enough of these course corrections we can discover our preferences and build a profile of what really works for us, but it's faster if you're dating for a few months at a time instead of a few years.
7- "But sometimes it's really good!" That's true of abusive relationships too, or you'd have left a long time ago. Sometimes (really) Good implies often not-so-good.
In contrast to all of that, there is a lot to be said for, and a lot of power in, finding a pretty good match and simply choosing them to be your partner and committing to working with what you've got. (This is the satisficer approach. Contrast with maximizer.) I know some great relationships like this, and fundamentally, it's the only way to be successful in the long term. But it sure helps to start out as far ahead as you can, in terms of compatibility and happiness.
Now mind you, I'm 36 and single, and a maximizer, so relationship advice from me is worth what you paid. That said, I think I've accumulated some pretty good insight by watching other people, listening to them, and trying different relationship styles on. My plan is to find an amazing partner, and have an amazing relationship.