(no subject)
I have officially reached one of those points in life where everything is great. Where everyday I wake up happy, I love everything I do all day, and I go to bed happy. I pick and choose whatever I want to do. I smile, I laugh, I joke. I metaphorically skip through a field of waist-high wildflowers while my hair falls out of its braids to reflect the golden rays of sunshine.
Only occasionally are there those moments where I fear it ending. I fear becoming trapped again and having my life go in directions I feel obligated to follow and do so only reluctantly.
What does it say about me that I am my happiest when I'm single? Will I never be as happy sharing my life with someone as I am now? Or is there really someone out there whose presence will only augment this joy?
If so, then even without ever having felt that, I know that must be love.
I've never had a guy in my life with whom I could be involved without him becoming the center my universe. Some confused cloud of fairy tales tells us that love should be this whole-hearted devotion that makes nothing else matter.
But, maybe for me it isn't. Maybe for me, love is only the backseat driver accompanying me on my road through life. Maybe my soul mate is actually only a companion and not a completion. Not my "other half."
Who knows? But, I never meant for this post--or this blog--to become about love. I never meant to be one of those girls. But, watching as much Sex and the City as I do and meditating on my life direction as much as I have has led me to become a sort of mimicked Carrie Bradshaw. A girl who looks at the relationships in her life and uses the insight provided by them to try to make sense of the world.
There is so much more to life than guys. But, right now my life is defined by the absence of said creature, for it has been way too long since I have felt this. And I know it to be the best direction for me. This Sunday I went on two "dates" in the same day (using the term date loosely, I believe) and though the guys were sweet and I had fun, I left feeling independent. I didn't feel the butterflies or the jittery "will he call?s" Instead, I left thinking, "man, that was fun... I look forward to more of that speckled periodically over the next few months, but only in small doses."
Growing up I never saw myself as flirtatious or cute, but somewhere along the line, I kinda grew into that girl, I think. When Seth and I broke up, it was only a matter of 2 months before I had slept with one guy, made out with 2 more, gone out with one, and ended up in a relationship with the fifth. And in a similar note, here I stand today...
But, that isn't the direction I want to go (and it really wasn't then either). But, it just seems that I can only befriend guys who want more than I want to give. Through all this month, though, I feel like one of the guys with whom I've gone out could end up being a great friend...but I fear I may be too abrasive for his tastes.
But, anyway... this blog is only for my own pleasure since no one reads it anymore, so I guess I'll head to bed. My quality of writing and level of insight have decreased with each character pixelated onto my monitor.
As I head to bed, I can't help but smile at how great a day I had. I love my job and love my life. I wouldn't change a thing.
Good night...
Laila tov...
and I'll see you when I see you.
Only occasionally are there those moments where I fear it ending. I fear becoming trapped again and having my life go in directions I feel obligated to follow and do so only reluctantly.
What does it say about me that I am my happiest when I'm single? Will I never be as happy sharing my life with someone as I am now? Or is there really someone out there whose presence will only augment this joy?
If so, then even without ever having felt that, I know that must be love.
I've never had a guy in my life with whom I could be involved without him becoming the center my universe. Some confused cloud of fairy tales tells us that love should be this whole-hearted devotion that makes nothing else matter.
But, maybe for me it isn't. Maybe for me, love is only the backseat driver accompanying me on my road through life. Maybe my soul mate is actually only a companion and not a completion. Not my "other half."
Who knows? But, I never meant for this post--or this blog--to become about love. I never meant to be one of those girls. But, watching as much Sex and the City as I do and meditating on my life direction as much as I have has led me to become a sort of mimicked Carrie Bradshaw. A girl who looks at the relationships in her life and uses the insight provided by them to try to make sense of the world.
There is so much more to life than guys. But, right now my life is defined by the absence of said creature, for it has been way too long since I have felt this. And I know it to be the best direction for me. This Sunday I went on two "dates" in the same day (using the term date loosely, I believe) and though the guys were sweet and I had fun, I left feeling independent. I didn't feel the butterflies or the jittery "will he call?s" Instead, I left thinking, "man, that was fun... I look forward to more of that speckled periodically over the next few months, but only in small doses."
Growing up I never saw myself as flirtatious or cute, but somewhere along the line, I kinda grew into that girl, I think. When Seth and I broke up, it was only a matter of 2 months before I had slept with one guy, made out with 2 more, gone out with one, and ended up in a relationship with the fifth. And in a similar note, here I stand today...
But, that isn't the direction I want to go (and it really wasn't then either). But, it just seems that I can only befriend guys who want more than I want to give. Through all this month, though, I feel like one of the guys with whom I've gone out could end up being a great friend...but I fear I may be too abrasive for his tastes.
But, anyway... this blog is only for my own pleasure since no one reads it anymore, so I guess I'll head to bed. My quality of writing and level of insight have decreased with each character pixelated onto my monitor.
As I head to bed, I can't help but smile at how great a day I had. I love my job and love my life. I wouldn't change a thing.
Good night...
Laila tov...
and I'll see you when I see you.