Help, my wife is a superhero(ine) - NEW PAPER 20th Dec 2004
Interesting article
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I'VE finally figured it out, this big problem between men and women.
It's taken me 37 years, a marriage and a daughter, but I've finally cracked the mystery which has baffled more geniuses than the Da Vinci Code.
I could possibly write a book about it, and become as rich as those people who wrote that men are from Mars and women from Venus, but being the magnanimous person that I am, I'll tell you about it here.
You see, women have superpowers.
It's true. They definitely have telescopic vision, for one.
Take this instance, last weekend, after I cleaned a shelf of dust. My wife took a look at it and went: 'Urgh, it's filthy.'
'I just cleaned it!' I screamed.
'Look at all the dust on it,' she snapped back.
Because I don't have telescopic vision, I am unable to see anything bigger than a molecule.
My wife, on the other hand, with her always-switched-on telescopic vision, sees them as though they are the size of footballs.
I'm also pretty certain that she has the power of telekinesis: The ability to move things around with her mind.
For some reason, my things never remain where I leave them.
But when I asked both her and my daughter, they go: 'I didn't touch it.'
But all that still isn't the reason for the eternal gender conflict.
No, the biggest problem is that women expect us men to have superpowers as well.
Like when we went to the market opposite for breakfast one morning and I asked my wife: 'What do you want to eat?'
She went, with a shrug of her shoulder: 'Anything is fine.'
So I said: 'Okay, how about pork porridge?'
After a 10-second delay, she replied: 'Okay lor.'
'It's okay, we can eat anything else, if you don't want the porridge,' I said.
'No, I said it's fine!'
So we eat porridge and suddenly, for the next two weeks, husband-wife intimacy drops to absolute zero.
You see?
The problem there is that she expected me to read her mind and realise that she actually wanted to eat kway chap.
Similarly, when I took my 5-year-old daughter to Toys R Us, I asked her which toy she wanted.
She went: 'Daddy, you choose for me.'
Naturally, I plumped for the latest Barbie doll - in the most recent instance, the Swan Lake Princess and the Pauper collection, or something like that.
She sulked.
'You don't want this?' I asked her.
Which resulted in more sulking.
Mother came along and used her psychic powers and went straight to the Prince Ken (or whoever Barbie's married to these days) doll from the same collection.
For the next two weeks, Mummy was her best-est friend in the world.
So, let me make it clear once and for all, for all the superheroines out there.
We guys don't have psychic powers.
Heck, our brains haven't even evolved above the waistline yet.
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I'VE finally figured it out, this big problem between men and women.
It's taken me 37 years, a marriage and a daughter, but I've finally cracked the mystery which has baffled more geniuses than the Da Vinci Code.
I could possibly write a book about it, and become as rich as those people who wrote that men are from Mars and women from Venus, but being the magnanimous person that I am, I'll tell you about it here.
You see, women have superpowers.
It's true. They definitely have telescopic vision, for one.
Take this instance, last weekend, after I cleaned a shelf of dust. My wife took a look at it and went: 'Urgh, it's filthy.'
'I just cleaned it!' I screamed.
'Look at all the dust on it,' she snapped back.
Because I don't have telescopic vision, I am unable to see anything bigger than a molecule.
My wife, on the other hand, with her always-switched-on telescopic vision, sees them as though they are the size of footballs.
I'm also pretty certain that she has the power of telekinesis: The ability to move things around with her mind.
For some reason, my things never remain where I leave them.
But when I asked both her and my daughter, they go: 'I didn't touch it.'
But all that still isn't the reason for the eternal gender conflict.
No, the biggest problem is that women expect us men to have superpowers as well.
Like when we went to the market opposite for breakfast one morning and I asked my wife: 'What do you want to eat?'
She went, with a shrug of her shoulder: 'Anything is fine.'
So I said: 'Okay, how about pork porridge?'
After a 10-second delay, she replied: 'Okay lor.'
'It's okay, we can eat anything else, if you don't want the porridge,' I said.
'No, I said it's fine!'
So we eat porridge and suddenly, for the next two weeks, husband-wife intimacy drops to absolute zero.
You see?
The problem there is that she expected me to read her mind and realise that she actually wanted to eat kway chap.
Similarly, when I took my 5-year-old daughter to Toys R Us, I asked her which toy she wanted.
She went: 'Daddy, you choose for me.'
Naturally, I plumped for the latest Barbie doll - in the most recent instance, the Swan Lake Princess and the Pauper collection, or something like that.
She sulked.
'You don't want this?' I asked her.
Which resulted in more sulking.
Mother came along and used her psychic powers and went straight to the Prince Ken (or whoever Barbie's married to these days) doll from the same collection.
For the next two weeks, Mummy was her best-est friend in the world.
So, let me make it clear once and for all, for all the superheroines out there.
We guys don't have psychic powers.
Heck, our brains haven't even evolved above the waistline yet.