(no subject)
The Walkers' Christmas party last night was wonderful. Spent the whole day in the kitchen baking, cleaning, and being intermittently cuddled by Catherine. My parents had a great time eating clam chowder and listening to Catherine's Uncle Tom play the pennywhistle. Ian had lots of sugar, played StepMania, and got to poke the fire. My pretzel rolls came out excellent, if I do say so myself... Catherine ate at least half a dozen. That makes me happy.
The other day when I went to visit my grandfather, he mentioned several times that in his opinion, taking a break from school would be a waste of my time and talents. (He also said, out of the blue, that I should read Don Quixote.) I thanked him for his advice, which was somewhat unnerving because it plays on exactly what I fear: that if I take a break from school I will get sucked into a horrible low-paying job and never be able to make it back to the world of academia, where they know I'm smart. But you know what, no one can take what I earned at Carleton away from me. In a year I will still have that GPA, and my professors will still have great faith in me and be willing to write recommendations. Clara pointed out in a recent email that if I wait to go to graduate school I will be able to apply to more programs and probably better programs. She says she doesn't want to see me shortchange myself because I feel I have to rush, and I think she's right.
I am not ready, right now, to go to graduate school. It doesn't feel like the logical next step. It feels like it's a step or two away, that there are other things I have to work through first. This is an annoying quality of me: I need processing time. When I'm learning something new I plug away at it for awhile feeling like I'm getting absolutely nowhere, and then suddenly I discover I know what I'm doing. To write poems that satisfy me, I usually have to stew over the subject matter for a year or more. I didn't realize how valuable my friendship with Catherine was until I had known her for four years. I'm just slow sometimes, and there's nothing wrong with realizing that and giving myself the time I need.
There are things I want to do. I want to lead a "normal" life, free of the stress of intense academia (and full of new, exotic stresses like paying the bills). I want to travel more. I want to live in Oregon, at least for a bit. I've wanted to live in Oregon for years, so maybe I should just do it already. I want to follow my passions for a year and see where they lead me in the real world, what people they connect me to. Maybe next year, I will want nothing more than to go to Yale Divinity School or the ASU College of Sustainability. Who the hell knows. I don't, right now, and no amount of fretting will make me know faster. And that is okay.
No matter what happens, I have so much love in my life. I really don't know how it all got there, but thank you, God.
The other day when I went to visit my grandfather, he mentioned several times that in his opinion, taking a break from school would be a waste of my time and talents. (He also said, out of the blue, that I should read Don Quixote.) I thanked him for his advice, which was somewhat unnerving because it plays on exactly what I fear: that if I take a break from school I will get sucked into a horrible low-paying job and never be able to make it back to the world of academia, where they know I'm smart. But you know what, no one can take what I earned at Carleton away from me. In a year I will still have that GPA, and my professors will still have great faith in me and be willing to write recommendations. Clara pointed out in a recent email that if I wait to go to graduate school I will be able to apply to more programs and probably better programs. She says she doesn't want to see me shortchange myself because I feel I have to rush, and I think she's right.
I am not ready, right now, to go to graduate school. It doesn't feel like the logical next step. It feels like it's a step or two away, that there are other things I have to work through first. This is an annoying quality of me: I need processing time. When I'm learning something new I plug away at it for awhile feeling like I'm getting absolutely nowhere, and then suddenly I discover I know what I'm doing. To write poems that satisfy me, I usually have to stew over the subject matter for a year or more. I didn't realize how valuable my friendship with Catherine was until I had known her for four years. I'm just slow sometimes, and there's nothing wrong with realizing that and giving myself the time I need.
There are things I want to do. I want to lead a "normal" life, free of the stress of intense academia (and full of new, exotic stresses like paying the bills). I want to travel more. I want to live in Oregon, at least for a bit. I've wanted to live in Oregon for years, so maybe I should just do it already. I want to follow my passions for a year and see where they lead me in the real world, what people they connect me to. Maybe next year, I will want nothing more than to go to Yale Divinity School or the ASU College of Sustainability. Who the hell knows. I don't, right now, and no amount of fretting will make me know faster. And that is okay.
No matter what happens, I have so much love in my life. I really don't know how it all got there, but thank you, God.