(no subject)
Another day in which I cried repeatedly. I swear this happens every winter break. Not a bad thing, though. Just processing in a way I don't have the time or space to do at school. And my parents, thank goodness, are quite patient with me.
Oh, there are so many issues to uncover during these introspective periods. For instance, the number one way I have unintentionally hurt people is by not valuing myself enough. When I was a teenager, I was distant from my father for several years. Dad and I have just recently hashed out that I withdrew in part because I felt like an emotional and financial burden on him (these were not his feelings at all, but that's how I felt). I felt like I contributed only bad things to his life, so I got out of the picture as much as I could, not asking him for anything, not even talking to him.
Such has been my inner logic with a lot of people. I have stopped speaking to several friends and reasoned, "Oh well, they never liked me much anyway. They just hung around because I was there. I'm sure they'll find someone else easily." That was the thing that ended my friendship with Kay, the girl I used to write and roleplay with so much in high school. I went to college, no longer had time to chat for hours, and didn't even give an explanation of why I was never online, because I figured she didn't really care anyway. In fact, she was really hurt, and that was the end of that.
The same thing happened with me romantically. Reading through my journal entries from high school, I can see that while I bemoaned the fact that no one ever liked me, a number of people did care for me very much. I'd decided it "didn't count" - surely they just liked me as a friend and wanted to believe they had a crush on me too. But nearly every one of the people I wrote off back then has proven to really genuinely like me... including Buzzy, thank goodness. She stuck with me through all the times when my low self-esteem wouldn't let me believe in her, and it's extremely lucky for me that she did.
Odd to realize a thing like this after so long. I guess instead, I should assume that I am a joy in other people's lives and then try to be that.
Oh, there are so many issues to uncover during these introspective periods. For instance, the number one way I have unintentionally hurt people is by not valuing myself enough. When I was a teenager, I was distant from my father for several years. Dad and I have just recently hashed out that I withdrew in part because I felt like an emotional and financial burden on him (these were not his feelings at all, but that's how I felt). I felt like I contributed only bad things to his life, so I got out of the picture as much as I could, not asking him for anything, not even talking to him.
Such has been my inner logic with a lot of people. I have stopped speaking to several friends and reasoned, "Oh well, they never liked me much anyway. They just hung around because I was there. I'm sure they'll find someone else easily." That was the thing that ended my friendship with Kay, the girl I used to write and roleplay with so much in high school. I went to college, no longer had time to chat for hours, and didn't even give an explanation of why I was never online, because I figured she didn't really care anyway. In fact, she was really hurt, and that was the end of that.
The same thing happened with me romantically. Reading through my journal entries from high school, I can see that while I bemoaned the fact that no one ever liked me, a number of people did care for me very much. I'd decided it "didn't count" - surely they just liked me as a friend and wanted to believe they had a crush on me too. But nearly every one of the people I wrote off back then has proven to really genuinely like me... including Buzzy, thank goodness. She stuck with me through all the times when my low self-esteem wouldn't let me believe in her, and it's extremely lucky for me that she did.
Odd to realize a thing like this after so long. I guess instead, I should assume that I am a joy in other people's lives and then try to be that.