(no subject)
Work was good. I got to watch Blue's Clues in the lounge while my supervisor ran an errand and share popcorn with her on our break. I swept about eight flights of stairs. That's a lot of stairs.
I had dinner with Stephanie, Colin, and Ben, and then I went to meetings. I ended up skipping Bible study and going to The Search (a philosophy-type discussion group) and CIAO (Carleton In and Out, the gay/straight alliance sort of). The Search seems right up my alley, of course. It's full of really interesting people who aren't afraid to talk about important things, and respectfully so far, too. CIAO is full of great people I know from other places, so I felt comfortable, though I didn't really talk.
Weirdly, there was a bit of a theme for the evening. The people at The Search talked about honesty, about the consequences of lying to oneself and other people. The theme for the CIAO meeting was coming-out stories. It got me thinking. I feel like I'm lying a lot of the time here - okay, not lying, but omitting the truth in the way that one does when one wants to make a good impression. I do this, I think, because I want to believe that I can make a good impression, that I can come to fit in here and explore different sides of myself. Still, it feels like lying. Should I extinguish that hope for the sake of self-honesty?
Also, I felt kind of out of place at the CIAO meeting. Not in a bad way at all, and I'm glad I went just to show my support, but... it doesn't have much personal relevance to me. I don't have to deal with the drama of coming out or anything else because no one wants, or has ever seriously wanted, to be in a relationship with me. My sexuality is irrelevant at this point because it's not being engaged.
I don't feel like I have much in the way of gender, either. Ovaries, yes. The context our culture gives women, not so much. It even happens here: a guy will be talking to me, pretty much normally, and then another girl joins in and his whole tone and demeanor changes. I can tell she is a Girl to him and I am not. I mean, I can try to be more feminine, but it makes me feel like a fool, like I'm pretending. And I'd make a horrible guy. I am just me.
Whatever. Speaking of gender, I have to go work on feminine nouns more. Stupid things.
I had dinner with Stephanie, Colin, and Ben, and then I went to meetings. I ended up skipping Bible study and going to The Search (a philosophy-type discussion group) and CIAO (Carleton In and Out, the gay/straight alliance sort of). The Search seems right up my alley, of course. It's full of really interesting people who aren't afraid to talk about important things, and respectfully so far, too. CIAO is full of great people I know from other places, so I felt comfortable, though I didn't really talk.
Weirdly, there was a bit of a theme for the evening. The people at The Search talked about honesty, about the consequences of lying to oneself and other people. The theme for the CIAO meeting was coming-out stories. It got me thinking. I feel like I'm lying a lot of the time here - okay, not lying, but omitting the truth in the way that one does when one wants to make a good impression. I do this, I think, because I want to believe that I can make a good impression, that I can come to fit in here and explore different sides of myself. Still, it feels like lying. Should I extinguish that hope for the sake of self-honesty?
Also, I felt kind of out of place at the CIAO meeting. Not in a bad way at all, and I'm glad I went just to show my support, but... it doesn't have much personal relevance to me. I don't have to deal with the drama of coming out or anything else because no one wants, or has ever seriously wanted, to be in a relationship with me. My sexuality is irrelevant at this point because it's not being engaged.
I don't feel like I have much in the way of gender, either. Ovaries, yes. The context our culture gives women, not so much. It even happens here: a guy will be talking to me, pretty much normally, and then another girl joins in and his whole tone and demeanor changes. I can tell she is a Girl to him and I am not. I mean, I can try to be more feminine, but it makes me feel like a fool, like I'm pretending. And I'd make a horrible guy. I am just me.
Whatever. Speaking of gender, I have to go work on feminine nouns more. Stupid things.