Fic: A Place to Stand (2)
“Thirty,” Arthur says.
“Oh. I missed two then.”
Morgana is sitting now, but next to Arthur this time. They are both trying to count the white specks of paint peeling off the opposite wall.
Merlin’s condition, which was unstable a moment ago, is stabilizing. The doctors are still operating on him.
A nurse-a green-approaches them. At least she’s not a white coat. Morgana doesn’t think either of them could withstand more bad news.
The woman hands Arthur what looks like a clean shirt. She smiles, but it is her late shift, and she is too tired for her facial expression to be sincere. “It’ll be a long wait, so I thought you might like to freshen up.”
Arthur gingerly takes the shirt from her. He turns to Morgana, looking lost, as if he needs Morgana to provide him with some direction.
She probably should. Despite the logic in the nurse’s words, Arthur is too deep in emotional turmoil to process what she is saying. So Morgana rubs his hand gently and gestures her head toward the direction of the washroom.
She smiles.
“I’ll wait for you,” she says, reaffirming that yes, Arthur needs to clean up.
Arthur leaves, albeit reluctantly. As he heads to the washroom, he keeps turning back to Morgana with hesitance. Morgana just smiles her best encouraging smile to urge him on.
As she waits for her brother to come back, Morgana suddenly wonders why Arthur’s closest friends aren’t here. Gwen and Lance are important to Arthur. At least, they were- six years ago. Morgana doesn’t know if Arthur disappeared on them too, but they need to be here for him.
When Arthur returns to his place besides hers, she asks. “Do you mind if I call Gwen and Lance?”
Arthur looks stunned. And pained. So much so that Morgana feels guilty to ask. But after a while, he hands her his phone, “Sure.”
The display picture on his cell makes her breath catch.
It is a snapshot of who Morgana assumes to be Merlin. A young man with dark ebony hair and twinkling blue eyes smiles; the sunlight caresses his face and makes the shadows of his cheekbones prominent.
Arthur-her brother, Arthur- has his boyfriend’s picture displayed on his cell. Arthur, who is too reserved to put any personal picture on any display screen, even his PC. Arthur, whom she has never seen take a picture of anyone, or anything, in all the years that she has known him.
Morgana suddenly feels shy, as if she is intruding on something that is private to Arthur alone. The Morgana from six years ago would have no reservation with butting in anything that is Arthur’s. But that was six years ago. Morgana doesn’t know if she still has that right.
No. Morgana shakes her head. He’s still my brother.
It is easy to find Gwen’s number. Arthur’s contact list is still as short as she remembers.
About an hour later, when Morgana corrects Arthur’s counting (No, actually, there are only twenty-eight specks of peeling paint on the wall), Gwen and Lance arrive.
Morgana is impressed. They live, if she is not mistaken, two hours away.
“Arthur!” Gwen cries, and pulls him into a hug. It’s a little awkward because Arthur is still sitting, so his knees dig painfully into her thighs. Gwen doesn’t seem to mind though.
Lance is next to her. “Hey man.”
Watching this intimate friendship scene, Morgana feels out of place. As if she doesn’t belong here. As if she is an outsider. It’s intimidating to be in the presence of Arthur’s friends, who are closer to him in age and thus are more emotionally experienced with comforting her brother. But Morgana takes comfort in the fact that Arthur has called her first.
“How are you feeling?” Gwen asks. Arthur swallows and doesn’t answer. Morgana suspects that he is close to tears.
“I didn’t know,” Gwen chokes. “Arthur, you never told us. Why?” Arthur still doesn’t answer her. He looks as if he is going to break into pieces any moment now.
Morgana frowns, feeling a little irritated with Gwen. Close friend of Arthur or not, she shouldn’t….
“I don’t think this is the either the time or place for that,” Morgana says, surprised with the strength in her voice that she does not feel. “Merlin is still in the emergency room.”
Close friend of Arthur or not, Gwen has no right to make Arthur feel worse than he already does.
“I’m sorry,” Gwen says. “I shouldn’t have.” She rises to give Arthur some space to breathe and rubs his forearms comfortingly.
“It’s good to see you, Morgana,” Lance said.
“Morgana,” Gwen turns to give her a hug. Morgana hugs her back, hoping that she is not blushing. She used to have a huge crush on Gwen when she was in high school. But Gwen was out of her league.
“My goodness, you must be cold,” Gwen said when she sees the goose bumps on her arms. She takes her cream-colored cardigan off and wraps it around Morgana. So now Morgana is definitely blushing.
Realizing that Arthur might be cold as well, Morgana turns to him. But Arthur has Lance’s jacket around his shoulders.
They all sit in silence. None of them knows what to do. Six years have passed since the day they knew everything about Arthur. They don’t know how to respond to this strange man who is their closest friend. Who they know everything and nothing about. Arthur who is, and isn’t, Arthur.
None of them knew that Arthur was gay. All they knew was that he had a fall-out with Uther, and the fight was so bad that he ran off, cutting all connections.
They know now though. But they couldn’t comfort him; not really. Morgana has a vague idea of how much Merlin must mean to Arthur, but Gwen and Lance don’t. Despite their intentions, she wouldn’t be surprised if they felt betrayed by Arthur.
So they sit in silence.
Morgana tugs the cardigan closer to her. With Gwen’s comforting scent, Morgana remembers the cool nights when she would lay on the couch watching the telly with low volume so that Arthur, Gwen, and Lance could study. Back when things were still normal. Back when everyone was still happy.
Morgana must have been murmuring to herself, because Arthur speaks up. “I wasn’t happy.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was happy to be your brother,” Arthur says. “And to be your friend,” he told Gwen and Lance. “But I wasn’t happy because I was hiding who I am. I wasn’t happy because I was not true to myself.”
“I’m sorry,” Morgana said. She feels guilty. How did she not know that Arthur wasn’t happy?
Now that Morgana thinks about it, she really should have known how brittle their happiness really was. How Arthur’s smiles didn’t quite reach his eyes when Uther talked about him marrying a nice girl. How Uther would have that dark gleam in his eyes when he said it, as if he was mocking Arthur for something Morgana couldn’t understand.
“No, it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault that I’m gay. It’s not your fault that Father couldn’t accept me for who I am.”
Arthur grabs her hand, squeezing it as if to check if the Morgana sitting next to him is real. Morgana squeezes back.
This is real. I’m real.
Morgana feels foolish all of a sudden, for thinking that Arthur isn’t Arthur. This is the same head strong Arthur who ran by Morgana’s bike when she was still learning to ride it, who pulled the family together after her mother’s death, who challenged Uther when he forced Morgana to go to a school that she hated to prepare for college, who stood up to Uther when he shunned Arthur for his homosexuality. Arthur is still Arthur, no matter how many years have passed.
“I’m the one that should be sorry,” Arthur said. “I… couldn’t say anything to any of you…I didn’t want any of you to hate me.”
“You idiot,” Morgana tugs him to her arms. “I would never hate you. No matter what.”
Gwen and Lance both get onto their knees to meet Arthur’s eyes. “Yes, Arthur, you know you’re always a part of us, no matter what.”
“You will always be our Arthur,” Morgana whispers, and as she says it, she knows that it is true. Arthur always is and will be Arthur. Even if the years pass and each of them goes on their own path. Even if the wheels of time turn and each of them has to grow up in their constantly spinning world. Even if death does part them. Arthur will always be fundamentally Arthur because he lives true to himself. Arthur will always be Arthur, because he always has a place in his heart for each of them.
Arthur will always be Arthur, because in each of their hearts is a place of him to stand.
So, when the white coat approaches Arthur, once again, to tell him that Merlin will be fine as long as he takes time to recuperate, Morgana and Gwen and Lance are there to hold Arthur as he cries.
This is where they are meant to be. This is their place to stand.
~End