Hey, Vivien?
VIVIEN? YES, YOU! THE ONE READING THIS?
VIVIEN XU.
YASHI? <3
YAYA?
WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS THIS WEEK?
DOESN'T MATTER! ^3^
MY VIVIEN.
MY HEART, MY SOUL, THE LOVE OF MY PATHETIC LIFE...
ARE YOU THERE?
If it's the sad, broken Vivien? Listen anyway! That cynical, hollow bubble of what she used to be, that's been bouncing around recently, and she can't be fixed yet? *Needs* to listen anyway.
If my Vivien is still broken, but she can be fixed? I'll be happy to spend a lifetime trying. If she can't be fixed in one lifetime, I'll use five. If she can't be fixed here, we'll move. If she can't be fixed by *me*... is something I can't even think about just now, but I guess they'd need to talk.
Given the time and the fact I just said goodnight, I suppose you can probably guess already? But yeah, I couldn't sleep, and I know you don't like me getting overly sappy and chatty when you're still pissy, or tired, or hungry, or... Well, anyway, with all the bullshit we've got going on, this seemed like a weird but suitable place, no?
It's also so old the internet was probably carved into stone tablets when I opened it. So I think there'll be a certain permanence you'll appreciate; I hope you do, anyway.
It's probably not something that'll happen again for a very long time, so if it's something you're going to enjoy, make sure you do. :)
This is going to be long, probably. I certainly used to ramble on when I wrote here... and the last 2 things I've written in English were probably 50+ page business proposals, about 18 months apart, so I haven't had much practice.
And I think we all know I'm not very good at this shit... Horrible in fact? It'll probably be sheer agony to read, at best... but for once in your life *please* just stick with it and read all the way? It'll probably be almost worth 15 minutes of your time, even. At least I'd hope so. It's taking me hours to write, so be nice! :p
Putting it here also means it'll have an audience, I suppose... potentially, anyway. Luckily I don't really give a fuck.
The few, tattered remnants of my former friends from home are likely to see it I suppose? Hi guys! Been a while! Will probably be another while, sorry! She's worth it though, don't worry! :O
Some of them might find it a bit awkward (Which I am actually sorry for, FWIW, if applicable?) but I hope everyone in general can forgive my blunt awkward horrendous attempts at being anything in the same direction as eloquent, deal with the horrible timing of world events, places, whatever.
Something needs to be done.
Anyway...
MR VIVIEN?
I LOVE YOU.
I know I have a habit of making that fairly well known, of course? That's in China though! With nobody around, and if there are it's inevitably people I'm never going to see again... and maybe because of that? Or just not being too good at it yet, but from what I see you seem to struggle to allow the concept to sink in fully, sometimes.
So to reiterate my key point:
I LOVE YOU.
I AM COMING TO GET YOU BACK.
Of course, there's always the slight problem that...
I DON'T UNDERSTAND MOST OF WHAT IS HAPPENING.
We're arguing, I suppose? Or at the very least, you're pissed off... Almost perpetually these days, it seems? Which is fair! You're allowed to be... :)
Life isn't easy, I know. I even recognize its current "Complete Fucking Nightmare" status; I've dealt with it before.
I'm working on that though! I had asked you for some time? To do so? Perhaps I expected too much when I asked you to deal with me when I'm working so hard? I know I'm not exactly a fun guy while I'm doing it... Or perhaps you just didn't quite understand what I was asking? We do need to be a bit more clear a bit more often, always a problem, I know...
But... That doesn't matter either?
Aaack. I really do suck at this, I know... but I'm coughing what's left of my guts up onto the table manually, to give you what's probably a very humble meal indeed at this point... I hope you'll at least try it before the dog gets the leftovers.
The point, though! Which was:
I DON'T NEED TO UNDERSTAND.
BECAUSE I DO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING ELSE...
I LOVE YOU, I NEED YOU WITH ME, AND I AM COMING TO GET YOU BACK.
( And no, that's not 3 things, that's one big huge thing that's eaten everything else in my universe and won't let me do anything until I've made it very very happy )
If you want to help me understand all the tiny details and culture differences and shit I just didn't notice? Great! Thank you, you're always a great teacher, and I always need teaching... ^^;;
I do know I probably fucked up. Probably even lots of things?
I'm pretty sure you did too? Again, I don't understand how or why a lot of what's happening, is though... Or even WHAT it is when it does happen!
If you don't want to help me understand tiny details, that's fine too... I'm sure I can work most of it out eventually, and I don't think we'll need to worry again any time soon.
I don't think any of that is important either though...
In fact I don't think anything else matters at all except one thing:
It's very obvious that we're both fucking miserable, and were both massively happier, friendlier, tastier, funnier, better-smelling, funtasticker, just-all-round-fucking-BETTER people when we were those people so massively stupidly and mindlessly in love that we couldn't see anything else.
( I know? As a ball of love, or box, or dodecaisohedron or whatever fucking shape loves takes... It'll probably be a bit harder! Maybe with some sharper edges now? But I'll bet very good money it'll be a hell of a lot bigger too, and the edges will just help us use it to deal with anybody who gets in our way even faster... )
I KNOW YOU'RE PROBABLY SCARED.
So am I.
That's not about being young, or being a woman, or being stupid, it's about being in love, simple inevitable fact. Maybe we should be? Maybe not? I don't think so.
I might not be smart enough to understand a wonderful thing when I have it in my arms, but I've let enough of them get away to recognize its back and know that when that happens you *get out of your fucking chair and chase it*.
I KNOW YOU'RE PROBABLY FEELING LOST.
So am I.
Shit's been very confusing, no? Enough to causes anybody a bit of a problem, especially a couple of morons like us.
I KNOW YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT SURE THAT IT'S A GOOD IDEA?
I am.
Sorry, but this is one of those ones where I've just had the same problem and fucked up the answer enough times to know; trying a bit harder and fixing what seems like an impossible mountain of problems, can lead to something incredible. Trying and failing, will hurt for a bit, of course? But it'll probably actually be quicker to recover from than just walking away, because you'll know that at least you *really* tried. Not trying? Is the only thing I've ever found that it's actually possible to regret for the rest of your life...
I NEED YOU.
You inspire me.
You motivate me.
You energize me.
You give me things, that I don't even have words for, that alter the very fabric of being, in ways I sometimes find uncomfortable, but inevitably turn out positive, even amazing.
You wake me up, from the blank, hollow, tasteless fuckup that is this empty shell of an existence.
THE JAY YOU MET? THE ONE YOU MISS?
HE'S STILL HERE! AND HE'S READY NOW...
HE JUST NEEDS YOU TO WAKE HIM UP.
He needs that wonderful, glowing, gentle Vivien that he met to be waiting with that smile she used to have and a kiss...
And then we're getting out.
Not out of "Beijing", or "China" or any of this petty shit.
Out of ALL OF THIS. To where we should be, where the first breath of air in the morning makes you smile, the water tastes like pure chilled snow, and the world is so at peace that you need to try hard to *not* be happy.
I KNOW THE WAY. I CAN SEE IT. I JUST DON'T CARE ENOUGH TO WALK IT WITHOUT YOU.
I know you'll be scared and shy and embarrassed and not quite sure what to say...
I know it probably won't be easy to believe this after I've been so far gone for so long, either? But... isn't it worth a try? Now that we've got a doorway, don't you think it's worth stepping out? Venturing forth into the wilderness to find the incredible life we could have outside, if we're walking it together?
VIVIEN?
I'M SORRY.
KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU.
NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.
So please, just once, do something a little scary for me?
Nothing huge... Just summon up some courage? As much as you can...
Gather it all up, then after that? It'll be easy, I hope!
Just smile, then...
PLEASE? JUST LIKE WE USED TO?
ONE STEP AT A TIME? SKIPPING? RUNNING, SWIMMING OR FLYING?
JUST LOVE ME, TAKE MY HAND, AND LET ME SHOW YOU THE WAY...
VIVIEN XU.
YASHI? <3
YAYA?
WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS THIS WEEK?
DOESN'T MATTER! ^3^
MY VIVIEN.
MY HEART, MY SOUL, THE LOVE OF MY PATHETIC LIFE...
ARE YOU THERE?
If it's the sad, broken Vivien? Listen anyway! That cynical, hollow bubble of what she used to be, that's been bouncing around recently, and she can't be fixed yet? *Needs* to listen anyway.
If my Vivien is still broken, but she can be fixed? I'll be happy to spend a lifetime trying. If she can't be fixed in one lifetime, I'll use five. If she can't be fixed here, we'll move. If she can't be fixed by *me*... is something I can't even think about just now, but I guess they'd need to talk.
Given the time and the fact I just said goodnight, I suppose you can probably guess already? But yeah, I couldn't sleep, and I know you don't like me getting overly sappy and chatty when you're still pissy, or tired, or hungry, or... Well, anyway, with all the bullshit we've got going on, this seemed like a weird but suitable place, no?
It's also so old the internet was probably carved into stone tablets when I opened it. So I think there'll be a certain permanence you'll appreciate; I hope you do, anyway.
It's probably not something that'll happen again for a very long time, so if it's something you're going to enjoy, make sure you do. :)
This is going to be long, probably. I certainly used to ramble on when I wrote here... and the last 2 things I've written in English were probably 50+ page business proposals, about 18 months apart, so I haven't had much practice.
And I think we all know I'm not very good at this shit... Horrible in fact? It'll probably be sheer agony to read, at best... but for once in your life *please* just stick with it and read all the way? It'll probably be almost worth 15 minutes of your time, even. At least I'd hope so. It's taking me hours to write, so be nice! :p
Putting it here also means it'll have an audience, I suppose... potentially, anyway. Luckily I don't really give a fuck.
The few, tattered remnants of my former friends from home are likely to see it I suppose? Hi guys! Been a while! Will probably be another while, sorry! She's worth it though, don't worry! :O
Some of them might find it a bit awkward (Which I am actually sorry for, FWIW, if applicable?) but I hope everyone in general can forgive my blunt awkward horrendous attempts at being anything in the same direction as eloquent, deal with the horrible timing of world events, places, whatever.
Something needs to be done.
Anyway...
MR VIVIEN?
I LOVE YOU.
I know I have a habit of making that fairly well known, of course? That's in China though! With nobody around, and if there are it's inevitably people I'm never going to see again... and maybe because of that? Or just not being too good at it yet, but from what I see you seem to struggle to allow the concept to sink in fully, sometimes.
So to reiterate my key point:
I LOVE YOU.
I AM COMING TO GET YOU BACK.
Of course, there's always the slight problem that...
I DON'T UNDERSTAND MOST OF WHAT IS HAPPENING.
We're arguing, I suppose? Or at the very least, you're pissed off... Almost perpetually these days, it seems? Which is fair! You're allowed to be... :)
Life isn't easy, I know. I even recognize its current "Complete Fucking Nightmare" status; I've dealt with it before.
I'm working on that though! I had asked you for some time? To do so? Perhaps I expected too much when I asked you to deal with me when I'm working so hard? I know I'm not exactly a fun guy while I'm doing it... Or perhaps you just didn't quite understand what I was asking? We do need to be a bit more clear a bit more often, always a problem, I know...
But... That doesn't matter either?
Aaack. I really do suck at this, I know... but I'm coughing what's left of my guts up onto the table manually, to give you what's probably a very humble meal indeed at this point... I hope you'll at least try it before the dog gets the leftovers.
The point, though! Which was:
I DON'T NEED TO UNDERSTAND.
BECAUSE I DO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING ELSE...
I LOVE YOU, I NEED YOU WITH ME, AND I AM COMING TO GET YOU BACK.
( And no, that's not 3 things, that's one big huge thing that's eaten everything else in my universe and won't let me do anything until I've made it very very happy )
If you want to help me understand all the tiny details and culture differences and shit I just didn't notice? Great! Thank you, you're always a great teacher, and I always need teaching... ^^;;
I do know I probably fucked up. Probably even lots of things?
I'm pretty sure you did too? Again, I don't understand how or why a lot of what's happening, is though... Or even WHAT it is when it does happen!
If you don't want to help me understand tiny details, that's fine too... I'm sure I can work most of it out eventually, and I don't think we'll need to worry again any time soon.
I don't think any of that is important either though...
In fact I don't think anything else matters at all except one thing:
It's very obvious that we're both fucking miserable, and were both massively happier, friendlier, tastier, funnier, better-smelling, funtasticker, just-all-round-fucking-BETTER people when we were those people so massively stupidly and mindlessly in love that we couldn't see anything else.
( I know? As a ball of love, or box, or dodecaisohedron or whatever fucking shape loves takes... It'll probably be a bit harder! Maybe with some sharper edges now? But I'll bet very good money it'll be a hell of a lot bigger too, and the edges will just help us use it to deal with anybody who gets in our way even faster... )
I KNOW YOU'RE PROBABLY SCARED.
So am I.
That's not about being young, or being a woman, or being stupid, it's about being in love, simple inevitable fact. Maybe we should be? Maybe not? I don't think so.
I might not be smart enough to understand a wonderful thing when I have it in my arms, but I've let enough of them get away to recognize its back and know that when that happens you *get out of your fucking chair and chase it*.
I KNOW YOU'RE PROBABLY FEELING LOST.
So am I.
Shit's been very confusing, no? Enough to causes anybody a bit of a problem, especially a couple of morons like us.
I KNOW YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT SURE THAT IT'S A GOOD IDEA?
I am.
Sorry, but this is one of those ones where I've just had the same problem and fucked up the answer enough times to know; trying a bit harder and fixing what seems like an impossible mountain of problems, can lead to something incredible. Trying and failing, will hurt for a bit, of course? But it'll probably actually be quicker to recover from than just walking away, because you'll know that at least you *really* tried. Not trying? Is the only thing I've ever found that it's actually possible to regret for the rest of your life...
I NEED YOU.
You inspire me.
You motivate me.
You energize me.
You give me things, that I don't even have words for, that alter the very fabric of being, in ways I sometimes find uncomfortable, but inevitably turn out positive, even amazing.
You wake me up, from the blank, hollow, tasteless fuckup that is this empty shell of an existence.
THE JAY YOU MET? THE ONE YOU MISS?
HE'S STILL HERE! AND HE'S READY NOW...
HE JUST NEEDS YOU TO WAKE HIM UP.
He needs that wonderful, glowing, gentle Vivien that he met to be waiting with that smile she used to have and a kiss...
And then we're getting out.
Not out of "Beijing", or "China" or any of this petty shit.
Out of ALL OF THIS. To where we should be, where the first breath of air in the morning makes you smile, the water tastes like pure chilled snow, and the world is so at peace that you need to try hard to *not* be happy.
I KNOW THE WAY. I CAN SEE IT. I JUST DON'T CARE ENOUGH TO WALK IT WITHOUT YOU.
I know you'll be scared and shy and embarrassed and not quite sure what to say...
I know it probably won't be easy to believe this after I've been so far gone for so long, either? But... isn't it worth a try? Now that we've got a doorway, don't you think it's worth stepping out? Venturing forth into the wilderness to find the incredible life we could have outside, if we're walking it together?
VIVIEN?
I'M SORRY.
KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU.
NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.
So please, just once, do something a little scary for me?
Nothing huge... Just summon up some courage? As much as you can...
Gather it all up, then after that? It'll be easy, I hope!
Just smile, then...
PLEASE? JUST LIKE WE USED TO?
ONE STEP AT A TIME? SKIPPING? RUNNING, SWIMMING OR FLYING?
JUST LOVE ME, TAKE MY HAND, AND LET ME SHOW YOU THE WAY...