morning rant
It's too early for me to be up today, but lying in bed not sleeping just makes all my jumbled worries worse, so I'm up. Then again, it's not all that early. The garbage men are out. Lately I've been more socially awkward than usual. It's difficult to explain. At this point, in this city, I'm just in between everything. Too dorky to be cool, too shy to be a social butterfly, too social to be a homebody, too american to be european, too weird to be normal and on and on and yet somehow not enough invested in the things I want to do and care about to be oblivious to the lot. Somehow I've been existing at this static, semi-public level, working to exhaustion, not finding the time or energy to write or play music as much as would satisfy this hunger. When I left, I felt like I honestly did "want to eat everything in the world" and now, maybe it's just the processing of growing, of sorting and finding and throwing away the excess, but the hunger has sort of faded to vague curiosity.
I'm still not sure about cooking school. I'm sure I want to create as my means to live, and this has consistently been a means to do so, but I worry that I'm not competitive or hungry enough to thrive in a ruthless, demanding profession. Maybe it's the idea of a profession that is more scary than the actuality of it. The premeditation of going to school in a year, of knowing approximately where I'll be three years in the future, of having this decision narrow out the other options and point the direction and actually be one step in achieving the larger goal of starting my own place is actually terrifying.
Obviously much of the worry is due to not having enough time, an ever-present crutch of mine. Depressed/troubled mind? Just work more. Uncertainty about the future? If you work, you won't have to deal with it now. Dissatisfaction with the present state? The more you work, the less you think, the faster the future will come.
I'm still not sure about cooking school. I'm sure I want to create as my means to live, and this has consistently been a means to do so, but I worry that I'm not competitive or hungry enough to thrive in a ruthless, demanding profession. Maybe it's the idea of a profession that is more scary than the actuality of it. The premeditation of going to school in a year, of knowing approximately where I'll be three years in the future, of having this decision narrow out the other options and point the direction and actually be one step in achieving the larger goal of starting my own place is actually terrifying.
Obviously much of the worry is due to not having enough time, an ever-present crutch of mine. Depressed/troubled mind? Just work more. Uncertainty about the future? If you work, you won't have to deal with it now. Dissatisfaction with the present state? The more you work, the less you think, the faster the future will come.