the next adventure?
I've been trying to put it into words for a letter, this feeling. It's as if the city knows I'm leaving, and wants me to change my mind. All these things that have been unsettled for the last year are calming, and I'm able to look through the gray gray skies and be optimistic. It makes me a little anticipatorily wistful, as well, because I know I'll miss this place like hell when I do leave. But leaving it must be. I can't keep putting off doing what I need to do, denying what is obvious, trying all the flavors before settling on one. But then, in a sense, isn't that what I'm doing? Going off to another place to start again, make new connections and get lost in yet another language. If I do end up in the UK (should know by my birthday) it will be another language, another round of visas, another fresh start, though thankfully not alone. And if not? Well that thought isn't really allowed. I'm being careful not to bank on the school thing actually happening. I still need to hear back from two more, and if KT doesn't get the job at the one I've been accepted to, we can't go. It would be foolish to move to the middle of nowhere on uncertain terms. So all I know is that I don't know. And the waiting. The waiting is agonizing.
But I've been distracting myself in other ways. We've started playing shows again, and I'm planning several for the spring (actually we've been invited to play a few). Been working on new friends (yes I realize it's stupid to branch out when you have 5 months left). That's part of the feeling. All this isolation I've been feeling is suddenly clearing a bit. Meeting new people, making better connections with people I already know is just necessary. I'd like to have this place to come back to, as a tourist into these people's lives, especially if I'm going to be on the same continent, and I'd like to not feel like living here is an impossibility, which is how (I'm sorry) I still feel about Pittsburgh, that this place has been a positive experience and I needn't leave forever.
But I've been distracting myself in other ways. We've started playing shows again, and I'm planning several for the spring (actually we've been invited to play a few). Been working on new friends (yes I realize it's stupid to branch out when you have 5 months left). That's part of the feeling. All this isolation I've been feeling is suddenly clearing a bit. Meeting new people, making better connections with people I already know is just necessary. I'd like to have this place to come back to, as a tourist into these people's lives, especially if I'm going to be on the same continent, and I'd like to not feel like living here is an impossibility, which is how (I'm sorry) I still feel about Pittsburgh, that this place has been a positive experience and I needn't leave forever.