Winter's Broken, Earth Has Woken, and the Small Birds Sing Again....
Happy May to all. May good things bloom with it.
The Rapscallion and I ended our ... affair? ... involvement? ... relationship? This was on schedule, with the opening of the ice cream store down the street, and per the deal we made when we took up again this winter, we had a lovely weekend, with dancing, and ice cream, and not-too-fraught conversation, and walks in the gentle spring air. Yesterday we slept in, and went out for brunch, and he endeavoured to chat up the extremely cute guy sitting alone at the next table, on my behalf.
I'm glad we had the winter. He's been good for me, in a lot of ways. He was the first romantic risk since the heartbreak, and, yeah, I'm kinda sad right now, and kinda wistful for the future we won't have together. This said, the fact that I imagined futures with him at all, that I dared to want anything beyond the moment, represents a rebirth of sorts.
As I said to him, over all-you-can-eat sushi, "I've had a marvellous time, with someone quite wonderful. I've figured out that my heart isn't broken any more. Pray, what exactly need anyone pity?"
Don't let my philosphy fool you, mind. I'm sad. I'm crying. I woke up this morning with the heavy "he's gone" feeling in the pit of my stomach, and got out of bed anyway, to go greet the May, hoping fervently that nobody would ask me how I'm doing, and make me cry. Because I don't really want it to be over. But I also know that the reasons for it to be over are good ones, and that he wants something that isn't me*. And I love him dearly, and want him to have a life that lets him be the person he wants to be. He had to choose, and I made it as easy as I could for him to do so, because sometimes that's what love is about-making it o.k. for the person you love to be the person they are. Or something.
I miss him. Lots. And I miss the hope and optimism that he brought to my life. But I had an informal meeting with PublisherDude and the Lead Author on our textbook today, which turned into the kind of strategy and planning meeting that I find exciting and encouraging. I emerged from the meeting with a list of things to organize, a clearer idea of what we're doing, and the realization that for the duration of the meeting, the gloom had been a single note in the background, rather than a dominant theme in my emotional symphony. Which tells me that I'm fine.
Yeah, I'm on the ground right now, and my wheels are spinning a bit, and I'm picking gravel out of another set of scrapes**. But, you know, the sun is shining, the wind is just right, the path lies before and behind me, and the bruises and scrapes always heal.
* O.k., it's vastly more complicated than that, as things to do with the heart always are. Suffice it to say, I think we're good for each other, and I think we could have gone on being good for each other, but that the current pattern wasn't ideal for either of us, and probably would have required some sacrifices and tinkering in order to become ideal, and, well, I wasn't sufficiently good reason for him to make those changes.
** Metaphorically!
The Rapscallion and I ended our ... affair? ... involvement? ... relationship? This was on schedule, with the opening of the ice cream store down the street, and per the deal we made when we took up again this winter, we had a lovely weekend, with dancing, and ice cream, and not-too-fraught conversation, and walks in the gentle spring air. Yesterday we slept in, and went out for brunch, and he endeavoured to chat up the extremely cute guy sitting alone at the next table, on my behalf.
I'm glad we had the winter. He's been good for me, in a lot of ways. He was the first romantic risk since the heartbreak, and, yeah, I'm kinda sad right now, and kinda wistful for the future we won't have together. This said, the fact that I imagined futures with him at all, that I dared to want anything beyond the moment, represents a rebirth of sorts.
As I said to him, over all-you-can-eat sushi, "I've had a marvellous time, with someone quite wonderful. I've figured out that my heart isn't broken any more. Pray, what exactly need anyone pity?"
Don't let my philosphy fool you, mind. I'm sad. I'm crying. I woke up this morning with the heavy "he's gone" feeling in the pit of my stomach, and got out of bed anyway, to go greet the May, hoping fervently that nobody would ask me how I'm doing, and make me cry. Because I don't really want it to be over. But I also know that the reasons for it to be over are good ones, and that he wants something that isn't me*. And I love him dearly, and want him to have a life that lets him be the person he wants to be. He had to choose, and I made it as easy as I could for him to do so, because sometimes that's what love is about-making it o.k. for the person you love to be the person they are. Or something.
I miss him. Lots. And I miss the hope and optimism that he brought to my life. But I had an informal meeting with PublisherDude and the Lead Author on our textbook today, which turned into the kind of strategy and planning meeting that I find exciting and encouraging. I emerged from the meeting with a list of things to organize, a clearer idea of what we're doing, and the realization that for the duration of the meeting, the gloom had been a single note in the background, rather than a dominant theme in my emotional symphony. Which tells me that I'm fine.
Yeah, I'm on the ground right now, and my wheels are spinning a bit, and I'm picking gravel out of another set of scrapes**. But, you know, the sun is shining, the wind is just right, the path lies before and behind me, and the bruises and scrapes always heal.
* O.k., it's vastly more complicated than that, as things to do with the heart always are. Suffice it to say, I think we're good for each other, and I think we could have gone on being good for each other, but that the current pattern wasn't ideal for either of us, and probably would have required some sacrifices and tinkering in order to become ideal, and, well, I wasn't sufficiently good reason for him to make those changes.
** Metaphorically!