Grief Dreams. Resources? Please No Woowoo.
So every few months, I get what I think is a bog-standard grief dream. My dad is alive. The death was a mistake. The funeral? An error.
That business with the body, and the swimming pool, and the autopsy and everything? Somehow my dreams gloss over that as just "a mistake."
Even my dream self does not find this satisfying, incidentally. In the dreams, I'm usually all "What do you mean a mistake? How do people make mistakes about bodies in pools? Someone got embalmed! Someone got cremated! There was an autopsy! Whose ashes were those under the Christmas tree, if not yours?!"
My dream self does not take kindly to handwaving in these situations, it seems. Yet, handwaving there is, in these dreams, because, of course, all those things did happen, it was my dad, and there's no plausible explanation for his still being alive, because he isn't.
There's never an explanation. There is, however, my dad, in these dreams. Last night he phoned me, rather than showing up at my office. He didn't have an explanation. Hijinks ensued. So did tears.
Now, the problem with these dreams is not that they happen. I'm pretty sure that's normal. I'm I'm pretty sure it's part of the grieving process. The problem with these dreams is that they make me feel like I've been punched in the emotional gut for the next day or so, and I could really do without that.
The other problem is that even though I'm pretty sure they're normal, the nerd in me would like to know more. Does everyone go through this? Does a statistically significant proportion of the population go through this? What else do people who experience this type of dream experience? Is it significant that in this dream, my dad phoned, but in earlier dreams he showed up? If other people go through the same thing, are there progressions I can expect?
It's very difficult to find reading material about dreams that doesn't appear to be tainted by woowoo, you know?*
Take this one. The swirly typeface and purple dandelion-clock cover? They set my woowometer to dinging. The reviews on Amazon sound okay, if somewhat poetical ("the circuitous journey through the ‘valley of the shadow.’"--Rabbi Earl A. Grollman) Then there's this review: ... helps the reader to relate possible ways to decipher the dreams we dream while grieving the death or our loved ones. Even what our loved ones may be trying to tell as after their death.
Here's the thing: My dad is dead. I'm pretty sure he's not trying to tell me anything. His telling days are over. I may be trying to tell myself something about my dad. I suspect I'm trying to tell myself that he's really, really dead, but that I have unresolved feelings (on account of, I didn't get a chance to resolve things). But I don't really know, because I've never been through this before, and people don't really talk about grieving in polite conversation all that much. Maybe in grief-counselling circles they do, but those are not my circles.
What I want is a nice, footnoted social-scientific book about grief and dreams.
Something that says, essentially, "Yep, these dreams are normal. They indicate [[something]] about the grieving process. People who experience these dreams frequently express [[something]]. They tend to progress in these specific ways. Here are some techniques that people use to deal with feeling emotionally gutpunched the morning after."
I suspect the best I'm going to find is On Grief and Grieving. The book isn't specifically on dreams, but it won't hurt me to read about grief-not-dreams, and David Kessler and Elizabeth Kübler-Ross are rather the western authorities on the subject of grief. The association with Oprah is unfortunate, but I think I can overlook it. Just because someone appears with Oprah doesn't necessarily mean they're more slick than substantive, right? Also, on his website, David Kessler tells readers who feel they need his books, but can't afford them, to write to him-he'll do what he can to get those people a copy. That doesn't necessarily mean the books are awesome, but it does tell me that this is someone who cares about helping people. (I can afford a book. Or I can borrow it from the library.)
I'm okay, really. I just wish I had a better idea of what the program is, and some strategies for dealing with the sucktastic parts. Then again, I'm just as glad to lack much in the way of direct practice, you know?
* If you subscribe to the theories that I see as woowoo, I'm sorry to offend you. We can discuss our comparative ontologies another time (Or, we can agree to disagree, and not discuss them. I'm fine with that.). Right now, please respect the fact that I do not find religion comforting because I don't have any. I don't find appeals to new age principles appealing, and I'm not going to get exorcised, or channel my inner something-or-other without some sort of evidence-based reason to do so.
That business with the body, and the swimming pool, and the autopsy and everything? Somehow my dreams gloss over that as just "a mistake."
Even my dream self does not find this satisfying, incidentally. In the dreams, I'm usually all "What do you mean a mistake? How do people make mistakes about bodies in pools? Someone got embalmed! Someone got cremated! There was an autopsy! Whose ashes were those under the Christmas tree, if not yours?!"
My dream self does not take kindly to handwaving in these situations, it seems. Yet, handwaving there is, in these dreams, because, of course, all those things did happen, it was my dad, and there's no plausible explanation for his still being alive, because he isn't.
There's never an explanation. There is, however, my dad, in these dreams. Last night he phoned me, rather than showing up at my office. He didn't have an explanation. Hijinks ensued. So did tears.
Now, the problem with these dreams is not that they happen. I'm pretty sure that's normal. I'm I'm pretty sure it's part of the grieving process. The problem with these dreams is that they make me feel like I've been punched in the emotional gut for the next day or so, and I could really do without that.
The other problem is that even though I'm pretty sure they're normal, the nerd in me would like to know more. Does everyone go through this? Does a statistically significant proportion of the population go through this? What else do people who experience this type of dream experience? Is it significant that in this dream, my dad phoned, but in earlier dreams he showed up? If other people go through the same thing, are there progressions I can expect?
It's very difficult to find reading material about dreams that doesn't appear to be tainted by woowoo, you know?*
Take this one. The swirly typeface and purple dandelion-clock cover? They set my woowometer to dinging. The reviews on Amazon sound okay, if somewhat poetical ("the circuitous journey through the ‘valley of the shadow.’"--Rabbi Earl A. Grollman) Then there's this review: ... helps the reader to relate possible ways to decipher the dreams we dream while grieving the death or our loved ones. Even what our loved ones may be trying to tell as after their death.
Here's the thing: My dad is dead. I'm pretty sure he's not trying to tell me anything. His telling days are over. I may be trying to tell myself something about my dad. I suspect I'm trying to tell myself that he's really, really dead, but that I have unresolved feelings (on account of, I didn't get a chance to resolve things). But I don't really know, because I've never been through this before, and people don't really talk about grieving in polite conversation all that much. Maybe in grief-counselling circles they do, but those are not my circles.
What I want is a nice, footnoted social-scientific book about grief and dreams.
Something that says, essentially, "Yep, these dreams are normal. They indicate [[something]] about the grieving process. People who experience these dreams frequently express [[something]]. They tend to progress in these specific ways. Here are some techniques that people use to deal with feeling emotionally gutpunched the morning after."
I suspect the best I'm going to find is On Grief and Grieving. The book isn't specifically on dreams, but it won't hurt me to read about grief-not-dreams, and David Kessler and Elizabeth Kübler-Ross are rather the western authorities on the subject of grief. The association with Oprah is unfortunate, but I think I can overlook it. Just because someone appears with Oprah doesn't necessarily mean they're more slick than substantive, right? Also, on his website, David Kessler tells readers who feel they need his books, but can't afford them, to write to him-he'll do what he can to get those people a copy. That doesn't necessarily mean the books are awesome, but it does tell me that this is someone who cares about helping people. (I can afford a book. Or I can borrow it from the library.)
I'm okay, really. I just wish I had a better idea of what the program is, and some strategies for dealing with the sucktastic parts. Then again, I'm just as glad to lack much in the way of direct practice, you know?
* If you subscribe to the theories that I see as woowoo, I'm sorry to offend you. We can discuss our comparative ontologies another time (Or, we can agree to disagree, and not discuss them. I'm fine with that.). Right now, please respect the fact that I do not find religion comforting because I don't have any. I don't find appeals to new age principles appealing, and I'm not going to get exorcised, or channel my inner something-or-other without some sort of evidence-based reason to do so.