Homelessness: Rules.... Why dont I just kill myself?
Well it's official, my life has become worse than crap. That barely sums it up, but ok. I've got the reverse-midas touch, yup that's my new metaphore. Everything I touch, it turns to crap. Let's start with the rather unearving title. Is it true? Yes. My mom kicked me out. She called the cops and had them take me out and I wasn't allowed to come back. So basicly, I'm homeless. Well, let's go back to the beginning shall we?
First and foremost, let me say something about myself that I can barely understand the logic to myself. I have this undying urge to have someone to love, to be loved and to have that affection that I can share. As a result, without that I feel drug deprived and broken, incomplete. I'm not myself without that feeling, I'm empty. And you can imagine, since I've never had a girlfriend and my parents never loved me, how going almost 18 years without something you desperatly need can drive you mad. Recently I fell in love with someone who couldn't return the feelings I had. Let me tell you, that is one of the worst things anyone can go through. Though, I must admit it's not the first time. Yeah, so as a result, I'm pretty broken up. Then, to make things worse, after I try my hardest to salvage a friendship with that person, I get it all thrown up in my face because I am unable to just drop the fact that I have feelings for her. Thanks.
Let's make matters worse. I got yelled at a ton yesterday by just about everyone. For one thing, a very old friend of mine flipped out on me for no perticular reason and wouldn't stop yelling and when I asked why I was acused of being a smart ass. The friendship ended there by no choice of mine. Furthermore, someone else was yelling at me for being suicidal and depressed, well woop-dee-fucking-doo. In more words then one I was basicly told that nobody wants to see this type of shit, so if I'm not going to do it I should shut up and stop complaining or if I am I should get it done and over with. Fuck. Seriously, how can someone be so inhumane as to make someone who's over the edge and practically gone feel so guilty. Yeah, guess what else, I was basicly told I'm not allowed to lean on my friends because it's wrong to put so much preasure on them. Well, until that moment I fondly believed that that is what friends are for. So either I was completly wrong or the people I thought were friends really weren't. So I'm suposed to go back to bottleing everything up and bearing all these problems on my own. Well, that kind of talk is the same kind that people say right before they wind up dead. Oh, and there goes another friend. Loosing way too much of those lately at an unhealthy rate.
And then my mom kicks me off the comp, the one place I find solace and comfort. OH well, I figure fine, I'll just keep talking to Steve anyway. So before I get off I ask him to call me. We talk until 2am with freequent visits from my mom who's "trying to sleep." How do you try to sleep when you're too concentrated on worrying what your son is doing on the phone at 2am. Not to mention, the getting up I'm sure didn't help. She couldn't just leave me alone because she doesn't know how to ignore things, and she couldn't realise that I needed to talk to Steve about as much, maybe more then her need for sleep. But that didn't stop her from pulling the plug on me and ripping my fucking life away.
So we argued, a lot, yelling insued, she tried to steal my phone and then acused me of stealing her cd player, which she brings up stupid details like that at the worst of times because she's just looking for a reason to yell at me. I gave it back, yelling continued, she said if I wanted to keep talking to Steve that I needed to go over to his house and talk to him. So of course, since I am comparing my need for talking to her need for sleep, I say "Well if you want sleep why don't you go to a motel and sleep." Which, is basically no different then asking me to go to Steves to talk with him. But that crossed the line I guess and she started screaming and grabbing my arm (the one with all the cuts... yeah, I cut myself.) she pulled me to the door and said get out. She wanted me to leave and never see me again. Great, being disowned by both parents sucks. Yeah my dad disowned me but that's another story. Anyway, I grabbed some stuff and left, wandered to Steves to see all the lights off. I turned around, headed back home where I got some more yelling instead of worrying about why I was cold. Yeah, I didn't have time to grab my coat and being outsidle for an hour from 2am to 3am with no coat fucking sucks. Anyway, I pushed through the yelling and went to bed where the tears started to come. I swear if I had a knife handy I would not be here today. Fuck. Yesterday I got rejected by everyone except Steve. My family, my friends, my non-friends, everyone. I got rejected because I wasn't willing to bottle up myself and hide my pain from the world. That's right, I got rejected for being the only one who was actually man enough to stand up and say "wow look at me, I can feel pain, I'm human." Yeah, I got rejected for being the only one that day who was willing to do the right thing. And look where it's gotten me. Yeah, I didn't go to school today and guess what happens, the cops show up at the door and tell me that my mom was at the station and filed a formal complaint, saying that I am a volatile and violent teen and she just doesn't have the patience to deal with me. She has more important children to worry about. Fuck, words can't express what went through my head there. She wanted me out of the house and if I didn't leave I was going to get charged and probably be spending the night in jail. All because I wanted to talk on the fucking phone.
So I grabbed some stuff, some clothes, what not, left with the cops and they took me to Steves, where I am now staying for the time being. Good ol Steve, you've always been there, the only one who's always been there, even when I tried to push you away because I listened to someone who said stop putting ur problems on others. Words can't express the gratitude I have for ur friendship, your all that keeps me alive. So anyway. That's the story of how my life is even more fucked up then it was before (which was pretty damn fucked up.) And now I'm homeless basicly, and staying with Steve for as long as I can without impossing too much. Yeah, so if I look gloomy when you seem me at school, or I lash out for no aparent reason, don't take it personally... Just blame the fucking world.
Oh yes, and one last thing, before you take my name too seriously, go here ---> http://maddox.xmission.com/suicide.html
It's an inside joke, don't take it seriously. If you do, well you've got issues and you need to fuck yourself with a rusty spoon. Kidding again. Try a fork. Says marry margaret. Yeah, so I'm off now. Feel free to not leave a coment because I know you really don't care.
First and foremost, let me say something about myself that I can barely understand the logic to myself. I have this undying urge to have someone to love, to be loved and to have that affection that I can share. As a result, without that I feel drug deprived and broken, incomplete. I'm not myself without that feeling, I'm empty. And you can imagine, since I've never had a girlfriend and my parents never loved me, how going almost 18 years without something you desperatly need can drive you mad. Recently I fell in love with someone who couldn't return the feelings I had. Let me tell you, that is one of the worst things anyone can go through. Though, I must admit it's not the first time. Yeah, so as a result, I'm pretty broken up. Then, to make things worse, after I try my hardest to salvage a friendship with that person, I get it all thrown up in my face because I am unable to just drop the fact that I have feelings for her. Thanks.
Let's make matters worse. I got yelled at a ton yesterday by just about everyone. For one thing, a very old friend of mine flipped out on me for no perticular reason and wouldn't stop yelling and when I asked why I was acused of being a smart ass. The friendship ended there by no choice of mine. Furthermore, someone else was yelling at me for being suicidal and depressed, well woop-dee-fucking-doo. In more words then one I was basicly told that nobody wants to see this type of shit, so if I'm not going to do it I should shut up and stop complaining or if I am I should get it done and over with. Fuck. Seriously, how can someone be so inhumane as to make someone who's over the edge and practically gone feel so guilty. Yeah, guess what else, I was basicly told I'm not allowed to lean on my friends because it's wrong to put so much preasure on them. Well, until that moment I fondly believed that that is what friends are for. So either I was completly wrong or the people I thought were friends really weren't. So I'm suposed to go back to bottleing everything up and bearing all these problems on my own. Well, that kind of talk is the same kind that people say right before they wind up dead. Oh, and there goes another friend. Loosing way too much of those lately at an unhealthy rate.
And then my mom kicks me off the comp, the one place I find solace and comfort. OH well, I figure fine, I'll just keep talking to Steve anyway. So before I get off I ask him to call me. We talk until 2am with freequent visits from my mom who's "trying to sleep." How do you try to sleep when you're too concentrated on worrying what your son is doing on the phone at 2am. Not to mention, the getting up I'm sure didn't help. She couldn't just leave me alone because she doesn't know how to ignore things, and she couldn't realise that I needed to talk to Steve about as much, maybe more then her need for sleep. But that didn't stop her from pulling the plug on me and ripping my fucking life away.
So we argued, a lot, yelling insued, she tried to steal my phone and then acused me of stealing her cd player, which she brings up stupid details like that at the worst of times because she's just looking for a reason to yell at me. I gave it back, yelling continued, she said if I wanted to keep talking to Steve that I needed to go over to his house and talk to him. So of course, since I am comparing my need for talking to her need for sleep, I say "Well if you want sleep why don't you go to a motel and sleep." Which, is basically no different then asking me to go to Steves to talk with him. But that crossed the line I guess and she started screaming and grabbing my arm (the one with all the cuts... yeah, I cut myself.) she pulled me to the door and said get out. She wanted me to leave and never see me again. Great, being disowned by both parents sucks. Yeah my dad disowned me but that's another story. Anyway, I grabbed some stuff and left, wandered to Steves to see all the lights off. I turned around, headed back home where I got some more yelling instead of worrying about why I was cold. Yeah, I didn't have time to grab my coat and being outsidle for an hour from 2am to 3am with no coat fucking sucks. Anyway, I pushed through the yelling and went to bed where the tears started to come. I swear if I had a knife handy I would not be here today. Fuck. Yesterday I got rejected by everyone except Steve. My family, my friends, my non-friends, everyone. I got rejected because I wasn't willing to bottle up myself and hide my pain from the world. That's right, I got rejected for being the only one who was actually man enough to stand up and say "wow look at me, I can feel pain, I'm human." Yeah, I got rejected for being the only one that day who was willing to do the right thing. And look where it's gotten me. Yeah, I didn't go to school today and guess what happens, the cops show up at the door and tell me that my mom was at the station and filed a formal complaint, saying that I am a volatile and violent teen and she just doesn't have the patience to deal with me. She has more important children to worry about. Fuck, words can't express what went through my head there. She wanted me out of the house and if I didn't leave I was going to get charged and probably be spending the night in jail. All because I wanted to talk on the fucking phone.
So I grabbed some stuff, some clothes, what not, left with the cops and they took me to Steves, where I am now staying for the time being. Good ol Steve, you've always been there, the only one who's always been there, even when I tried to push you away because I listened to someone who said stop putting ur problems on others. Words can't express the gratitude I have for ur friendship, your all that keeps me alive. So anyway. That's the story of how my life is even more fucked up then it was before (which was pretty damn fucked up.) And now I'm homeless basicly, and staying with Steve for as long as I can without impossing too much. Yeah, so if I look gloomy when you seem me at school, or I lash out for no aparent reason, don't take it personally... Just blame the fucking world.
Oh yes, and one last thing, before you take my name too seriously, go here ---> http://maddox.xmission.com/suicide.html
It's an inside joke, don't take it seriously. If you do, well you've got issues and you need to fuck yourself with a rusty spoon. Kidding again. Try a fork. Says marry margaret. Yeah, so I'm off now. Feel free to not leave a coment because I know you really don't care.