SGA-fic: External Forces (John/Rodney, PG)
Title: External Forces
Author: Zinnith
Rating: PG
Pairing: John/Rodney
Wordcount: ~5000
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Summary: The timing couldn't be better. Unfortunately, Rodney didn't agree.
Notes: Believe it or not, here's a new Entangled Particles story! I cannot thank the_cephalopod enough for beta duties, but we all already know that she is brilliant and worthy of much praise. *squishes Cep*
External Forces
When Hal asked how John would like a few weeks of full time work, he didn't even have to think about it. Money had been a little tight lately, and even though John knew he wouldn't have to worry about food and a roof over his head, he hated mooching off Rodney. The fact that he had a rich boyfriend was something of a sore spot for him (not that he'd ever tell Rodney that of course) and John had always taken pride in his ability to take care of himself.
So the timing couldn't have been better. A small company in the vicinity of the youth centre had bought new computers and generously donated the old ones to the centre. Unfortunately, the small room that had been optimistically dubbed 'the computer lab' wasn't big enough for the new machines and needed to be rebuilt. It wasn't complicated work - take down a wall, build a few desks, haul some stuff around; nothing John couldn't handle. There was a bit of wiring that he wasn't confident enough to take on, but one of the kids' father worked as an electrician and had agreed to do it cheaply. The kids were in heaven since the old computers were pretty ancient, and Hal Lindberg, the centre's director and John's boss, was happy to be able to give the kids whose families couldn't afford a computer a chance to do their homework at the centre (even though John suspected the computer lab would be used mostly for video games and Facebook). In short, it was a win-win situation.
Unfortunately, Rodney didn't agree.
“Your timing sucks,” he announced when John told him the news that evening. “I just sent off my articles, I have two weeks with no lectures, no classes and no meetings, it's the first time in years I've had anything close to a vacation and you're going to work?”
“It's full time,” John protested weakly. “I need to get my stereo fixed.”
“I'll buy you a new stereo,” Rodney growled.
John instantly saw red. “I don't want a new stereo,” he hissed back. “I want my old, crappy one, that I paid for with my own money. Jeez McKay, here I thought you'd be happy for me!”
“Yes!” Rodney shouted. “Obviously I'm just thrilled that I get to spend my two weeks off with the cat!”
John stood up, very slowly and carefully, fighting the urge to punch Rodney in the face. “I'm going for a walk,” he said. He was pretty sure that if he stayed much longer, things would deteriorate even further.
“Fine!” Rodney yelled after him as he exited the apartment. “It's not like I've been looking forward to spending some time with you or anything!”
“It's not like that's my fault,” John shot back before he slammed the door shut, cutting off Rodney's outraged response.
He took the stairs down, ignoring the way they made his leg ache. He just needed to move, needed to do something to get rid of his anger and his disappointment. He knew he shouldn't have lashed out at Rodney like that. After all, he'd been aware that Rodney had some free time coming up. McKay might have a fat bank account, but he worked hard for his money. Not only did he write best-selling novels, he also gave lectures, wrote articles for journals and magazines and taught a few writing classes at California State. Throwing that in his face had just been unfair. As for the money issue - well, Rodney never had to worry about it. He just didn't get how important it was for John to stay independent.
But it was more than just the money. John had worked part time as the maintenance man at the youth centre for close to a year now and he loved the place and the kids. He'd spent most of his career in the Air Force destroying things - dropping bombs, shooting at people, blowing shit up. It was nice to get to build something for a change. To know that he made a difference, that the kids would grow up and hopefully remember him as someone who had contributed to making their childhood a little easier.
Rodney had his passion for words and science, but the youth centre was John's mission in life. He wanted to do this, wanted to know that his love and care would be built into the walls, that it would be something permanent, even after he was gone.
And, a mean little voice in the back of his mind whispered, maybe it wouldn't hurt Rodney to be the one who had to sit around and wait for a change.
The apartment was dark when he got back and Rodney was an unmoving lump buried under the covers in bed. John sighed to himself and went to brush his teeth. It was apparently too late to try to fix things tonight.
As he shed his clothes and quietly crawled into bed, John could tell Rodney was only pretending to be asleep, but he wasn't feeling up to another argument and he had to be up early the next morning. He could've gone back to his own apartment, but somewhere during the past year, he'd discovered that he just didn't sleep well without Rodney's imitation of a chainsaw beside him.
Even as Rodney's tense back slowly relaxed and he fell asleep for real, John lay awake, wondering if he really was making the right decision.
* * *
Rodney was still asleep when John got dressed and left the next morning. He thought about waking him up, but decided against it. Instead he prepared the coffee maker and left a hastily scribbled note, which simply said, Sorry. Rodney could work it out for himself.
By the time he'd arrived at the youth centre and had got to work, he was beginning to feel a lot better. Working with his hands, doing something constructive, was just what he needed. He'd decided to try to get most of the work done early in the day before the kids showed up after school, so the place was mostly empty. He had the radio on so he could sing along loudly, and terribly, as he worked, and by the time the kids started trickling in, he had got quite a lot done.
Rodney met him in the hall when he came home, the corner of his mouth turned down. “Hello honey, how was your day?” was his sarcastic greeting.
John shrugged as he took off his toolbelt. “Oh, pretty good. I tore down a wall. You?”
“Carson's taking me fishing tomorrow,” Rodney said with a grimace. “I expect much lyrical talk about the clear mountain streams of the Scottish highlands.” Then he looked up, studying John more closely. “You have drywall in your hair,” he muttered, sounding half annoyed and half fascinated.
“I'll take a shower,” John answered, rubbing his neck. “You want to cook tonight or order in?”
“I already ordered pizza. It should be here in fifteen minutes. I figured you'd be hungry when you came home so...” Rodney trailed off, looking a little lost.
“Yeah, thanks.” John searched his mind for something more to say but couldn't come up with anything so he just ducked his head and fled to the bathroom.
Damn, he thought to himself a few minutes later when he was standing under the hot spray, letting it wash away the dust and sweat from the day's work. Rodney was really trying, John could tell, but these two weeks were still bound to be uncomfortable at best.
Maybe he should just cave, tell Hal that he'd have to find someone else to the job. Spending time with your normally-busy boyfriend was a passable excuse, wasn't it? And he really didn't need the money that much, he spent most of his time at Rodney's anyway so the stereo could wait.
Then again, John had promised himself long ago not to build his entire existence around Rodney. He'd worked hard to make a life for himself in Sacramento, and while Rodney was a crucial part of it, he wasn't everything.
So no, he wasn't going to give up the job. If he and Rodney had to spend their free time together trying not to step on each other's toes, so be it. The youth centre was important. Rodney knew it was important. And John figured he'd put up with enough of Rodney and his single-minded writing frenzies that Rodney could allow him to have this one thing.
They ate the pizza in silence and then watched re-runs on the TV until John fell asleep on the couch. He woke up in the small hours to find that Rodney had gone to bed and left him covered with an old afghan. He lay on his back for a while, staring up at the ceiling, one hand resting on the worn fabric, but he couldn't seem to bring his thoughts into any order so he went into the bedroom and crawled in beside Rodney's snoring form. Newton, who had curled up around Rodney's feet, raised his head and gave John a yellow-eyed glare as the mattress dipped under his weight.
“Shut up,” John told the cat, but it didn't do anything for the guilt still gnawing at his stomach.
* * *
A couple of more days went by where John and Rodney didn't exchange many words. Rodney had dinner ready for him when he came home from work and they spent the evenings watching TV in silence. John felt like he was going to burst from the tension, and sometimes he caught himself wishing for a decent fight, just to clear the air.
But Rodney seemed to have decided not to let any disapproving comments slip and, as a result, did not open his mouth at all. John held out over the weekend and then went home to his own apartment, explaining that he didn't want his early mornings to disturb Rodney when he wanted to sleep in. The excuse was just as weak as it sounded, but it got John out of Rodney's place, and when he came home he leaned his back against the front door and let out a deep sigh of relief. Just one more week of work left and then he could begin to try to fix this.
The job went on as planned and Rick the electrician turned out to be a loud, good-natured guy with an endless supply of dirty jokes. John spent their coffee breaks laughing until his stomach hurt.
He managed to keep his thoughts on Rodney away from work. It was worse to come home to his lonely little apartment, completely devoid of surly writers and cats. More than once, John had considered just apologising to get it over and done with. The problem was, they both had their pride and neither of them was going to be the one to give in first.
Laura called late one evening, sounding exasperated and a little tired. “So, what is it this time?” she asked. John didn't even have to ask what she was talking about - Rodney's long-suffering assistant was the one who always got to bear the brunt of their arguments.
“Nothing,” John tried to assure her. “I'm just a little busy with work right now.”
Laura sighed. “If you say so. You know, it's not that I don't like him, but it's getting a little trying to have him over all the time, if you know what I mean. This was supposed to be my time off too.”
“Yeah, I know,” John answered, feeling like an asshole. “I'll talk to him.”'
“You better do more than just talk,” Laura said and hang up.
John sat for the longest time arguing with himself over whether or not to go over to Rodney's, but he ended up going to bed instead. He had to be up early the next morning after all. There'd be plenty of time to talk - and possibly do a little more - to Rodney another day.
As he was getting ready to leave the next day, he sent off a quick text message to Rodney. Stop bothering Laura. See you soon. He'd held his thumb over the buttons for a long time, trying to make himself add I love you at the end of the message, but he hadn't been able to do it. He knew Rodney needed the words, needed to see and hear them, but John had never found it easy to let them out. The message went off without any words of endearment and John went to work with something small and jagged turning in his chest.
* * *
“You're quiet today, Sheppard,” Hal said, peeking out of his office at the end of the hall. “Something the matter?”
John looked up from the nail he'd been pounding, surprised that his boss had noticed. Well, he supposed he had been acting a little off today. He hadn't been able to stand the disgustingly chirpy voice of the DJ on the radio and there had been just the hint of a headache lying in wait behind his eyes since early morning.
“Nah, it's nothing,” he said with a careless shrug, hoping it would fool Hal.
But the huge ex-football player had too much experience with contrary kids to fall for the act. “Those nails must've have done something terrible for you to treat them that way then,” he said with a glance at the handful of bent nails John had thrown aside with a little too much force. “By the way, I haven't seen McKay around much lately. He doing all right?”
“He's fine,” John said, gritting his teeth.
“Still working hiss ass off, I take it?”
“No,” John said, bringing the hammer down. “He's got a couple of weeks off.”
“Oh,” Hal nodded to himself. “I see.”
Then he went back into his office. The door was left open, the same way it usually was when the kids started to arrive. John put the hammer down and stared at the door. After a moment, the familiar tones of Johnny Cash started to drift out of the office. Damn. Ah, well. It was probably time for a break anyway.
Hal hardly looked up from his computer when John entered and deposited himself in the shabby chair on the opposite side of the desk, but there was a fresh mug of coffee standing in front of the empty place. John had to grin. His boss knew him well.
“Rodney's driving me crazy,” he said, picking up the mug and taking a sip.
“Hm,” Hal grunted, still not turning away from the monitor. John waited for the big man to say something, but when Hal remained quiet, he found that he had to fill the silence himself.
“Well, I guess we're driving each other crazy,” he continued, trying his best to voice his thoughts.
Hal looked up. “So, what else is new?” he asked and raised a silver-coloured eyebrow.
John smiled a little at that. It was hardly a secret. “Well, I suppose it's all right for him to be all caught up in his work, but when it's me, it's suddenly not as important,” he said, not quite able to keep a hint of bitterness out of his voice.
“Hmm,” Hal answered, noncommittally, taking a sip from his coffee mug and hitting another few keys on the keyboard.
“This place... it's important to me,” John admitted to the quiet open air.
Hal looked up again. “Don't I know it,” he said with a little chuckle. “Let's just said I spent my fair share of nights on the couch when we were starting up. Still do as a matter of fact. But Maude, she has her bowling and her book circle and God save the poor soul who tries to keep her away from them.”
John laughed a bit at that too. Maude Lindberg was as tiny as her husband was huge, but she had the sort of presence that made it impossible not to respect her deeply; more than one presumptuous young offender had found that out the hard way - you simply did not argue with Maude.
Turning the monitor away, Hal leaned over the desk, finally looking straight at John. “Listen, Sheppard,” he said soberly. “You're both stubborn, and you both have tempers. Of course you're going to argue. The important thing is, is it worth it?”
John didn't even have to think about that. “It is to me,” he said earnestly. “I'm just not so sure about Rodney.”
Hal actually laughed out loud at that. “Have you seen how that man looks at you? I don't think you have anything to worry about there. And if you still do, how about you just tell him about it?”
The words hit exactly the spot in John's chest where his worst fears were located. What if Rodney didn't think it was worth it? What if he was just holding out until someone better came along, someone a little less screwed up in the head?
John shook his head. “It's... hard,” he said, trying not to swallow back the words.
“Of course it is,” Hal agreed. “But that's what all relationships are about, isn't it? Giving and taking. Can't teach it to the kids if you can't practice it yourself.”
With that, Hal went back to his computer and John finished his coffee in silence, pondering the wise words of his boss.
It was strange how he could be this honest with Hal when usually just thinking about talking about his feelings made him cringe. He could've used having someone like Hal around in his own youth. In any case, John was damn grateful to have him now.
* * *
The rest of the morning was a bit more productive. John turned the radio back on and tried not to bend so many nails while thinking about how he might be able to make all this up to Rodney. He would have to come up with something. Rodney really had done his very best to handle the situation. It wasn't like John didn't complain when Rodney had to work tough hours to meet a deadline, it was just that he usually did it quietly to himself or to the cat. Rodney was a lot more vocal about his feelings. To keep them under control for as long as he had must have been quite an effort. No matter how John looked at it, he couldn't help being strangely proud of his boyfriend.
By noon, John was almost whistling as he worked, standing on a ladder and nailing the trim between the new wall and the ceiling. He had both arms over his head and was doing his best to keep his balance on the shaky ladder since his damn leg just didn't want to behave the way it was supposed to.
Without warning, he heard the sound of hurrying feet and then the world stabilised. John looked down to see Rodney holding the ladder for him, his face a mix of worry, irritation and something more that John couldn't quite place.
John hammered in the last nail and then slid the hammer back into his toolbelt and turned back to Rodney. “Thanks, buddy,” he said, not quite sure how to proceed. For the most part, he expected Rodney to berate him for being stupid enough to climb ladders without a spotter.
“Hi,” Rodney mumbled instead and waved a little, the colour rising on his cheeks. “I was going for a walk and I just, you know, happened to be in the neighbourhood and I thought maybe you wanted to have lunch. Um. With me?”
“Sure, why not.” John climbed down from the ladder, ducking his head to hide the smile. Rodney going for a walk was pretty damn unusual and he would've had to take a cab to 'be in the neighbourhood'.
Then he remembered something else and felt the urge to smack himself hard in the head. “Shit. I can't. Rick's coming in to finish the wiring and he's busy the rest of the week so we have to get it done today.”
Rodney's face fell. “Oh. Well, that's... okay, I suppose. I just thought I'd ask. Anyway, I have, um, something do do somewhere, I'm sure, so I won't bother you any more. Just... ah, never mind. Be safe.”
He turned his back, preparing to leave, and John felt like an idiot. A big, fat, guilty idiot. He could've taken an hour off to have lunch with Rodney. But Rick would be here any moment and they simply had to get the wiring finished today.
John's battle with his feelings was interrupted by Hal's booming voice from the office.
“McKay, is that you out there?”
Rodney turned again. “Yes?”
Hal stuck his head out of the door. “You know a bit about computers, don't you?”
The disappointment in Rodney's face faded to give way to a haughty expression. “If by, 'a bit' you mean 'infinitely more that most people', then yes, I do.”
“Great!” Hal answered, not reacting to the comment. “You got a minute to spare? I wanted to talk to you about donating some time.”
Rodney looked at John, who just shrugged his shoulders. He had no idea what Hal had planned, but he suspected it was something meddlesome. Rodney shuffled over to the office and disappeared through the door. No matter how hard John tried, he couldn't hear what they were talking about in there, and just then Rick arrived so John turned up the volume on the radio and went back to work, hoping that there wouldn't be too much of a mess in the end.
Fifteen minutes later, Rodney emerged again, looking half annoyed and half excited. Or possibly annoyed about his own excitement. It was always hard to tell with Rodney. He was walking slowly, absentmindedly, like he was deep in thought, and for a moment, John thought that he would ignore him and walk right past.
“Rodney!” he shouted and saw Rodney turning around, the thoughtful face replaced with a hopeful look. John smiled. This was where he should start to try to fix things. “I'll try to finish up early, okay? See you tonight?”
Rodney's eyes brightened like someone had lit a lightbulb behind his forehead. “Yes, yes, that's excellent! I'll talk to you later, all right? I have a few things I need to get done for tomorrow.”
Baffled, John wondered exactly what Hal had put Rodney up to, but his mood seemed to have improved, so John certainly wasn't complaining. Rodney went off again, muttering to himself and scribbling in his ever-present notebook, and then Rick dragged John back to work. Everything went just according to plan and they kept to their timeline just fine, but John only had half a mind on the job. He couldn't help feeling oddly nervous about seeing Rodney tonight.
* * *
'Finishing up early' turned into having to stay behind for thirty minutes after work to resolve a fight on the basketball court. When John got off the bus near Rodney's apartment complex, he was tired and sweaty and feeling every bit as weary at he looked when he spotted his own reflection in the bus window.
The apartment was empty when he let himself in, but John could hear the shower running. Newton made lazy figures of eight around his legs until John leaned over and picked him up, scratching his ears before letting him rest in the crook of his elbow. The large grey cat purred contentedly and rubbed his head against John's arm. “Well, at least you're happy to see me,” he told Newton as he walked over to the couch and sat down, transferring the cat to his lap. “Now what about your daddy?”
The shower turned off. John thought about trying to find out if Rodney had anything planned for dinner, but his limbs were heavy and Newton had made himself comfortable in his lap so moving felt like more trouble than it was worth.
The bathroom door opened to let out the scent of soap and hot steam and clean skin. John turned his aching neck around, trying to catch a glimpse of Rodney in the bathroom mirror, but couldn't see anything. He closed his eyes instead, leaned his head against the back of the couch and concentrated on Newton's weight on his thighs.
The next time John looked up, Rodney was standing in front of him, dressed in boxers and his favourite threadbare 'I'm with genius' t-shirt. His hair was still damp and standing up from where he'd rubbed it with the towel, and he smelled clean and soft. John just wanted to reach out and press up against his belly.
“You're getting sawdust on the cushions,” Rodney said.
John looked down. Rodney was right, there were a fair amount of dust on both the floor and the couch. He had just been too tired to get out of his work clothes before sitting down. He was even still wearing the toolbelt, something he realised just now from the uncomfortable way the hammer was digging into his bad leg. “Sorry?” he tried. “And sorry I'm late. There was this thing.”
Rodney waved his hands in a frighteningly enthusiastic way. “Yes, yes, that's fine, it's all right. I ordered Chinese and then I got a little light-headed so I started without you, but there's plenty left in the fridge. Do you want me to get it for you?”
“You're in a good mood,” John noted dryly. “Should I be afraid?”
“Afraid?” Rodney's eyebrows rose to comical heights. “No, no, not at all. You see, I talked to Hal and the man is evil, I swear, but he made me promise to get those no doubt virus-infested goodwill computers of yours working at top capacity, so I get to come with you to work for the rest of the week...” he trailed off, watching John's dazed expression. “This is good news, isn't it? Because if you don't want me there, I can just do it from home, but I thought it would be nice if we could, you know, maybe take breaks together and stuff and...I'm babbling, right? I can't help it, I babble when I get nervous!”
It felt like John's smile was threathening to split his face in half. Hal Lindberg was a sneaky bastard, you had to give him that. “It's excellent news, Rodney,” he said, and then after a brief pause and a hard swallow, “I missed you.”
Rodney's eyes went very soft and his hands stilled. “I missed you too. I know I didn't handle this too well but, well... I was looking forward to two weeks alone with you. I had a plan and a list and everything and then it just... didn't happen. So I'm sorry for being a jerk.”
“Me too,” John echoed. He searched his mind for more words but couldn't find any, so he hoped Rodney would get it anyway. “I'll just... I'll go get a shower and get out of these clothes and you can tell me all about that list of yours, all right?”
Rodney met his smirk. “Oh, I just revised the list. How about you get something to eat, and then I can help you get out of those clothes and into the shower and we'll see what happens from there. Do you have any idea how hot you look like that, all rugged and manly with the stains and the toolbelt and all those funny little pockets and everything?”
That sounded like an excellent plan to John. He shuffled a protesting Newton aside and got to his feet. “I like the way you think, McKay. Lead on.”
* * *
Rodney was growing heavier by the minute, but John couldn't quite relax just yet. The thoughts and doubts and worries from earlier were still spinning around in his head, so fast that they were almost making him dizzy. Rodney was still here, making drool-stains on his shoulder, but what about the next time, and the time after that? Like Hal had said, they were both stubborn, they both had short tempers. They wouldn't stop fighting. The question was - how many arguments could a relationship withstand until it started to crack?
“Am I worth it?” he finally asked.
Rodney yawned and blinked an eye open. “Worth what?” he said, sounding half-asleep.
“You know...” John waved his hand around. “All this.”
The words that had made sense in his head didn't sound nearly as good when he tried to get them out of his mouth.
Rodney rubbed the heel of his hand over his eyes and rolled over to lie on his side. “You're still not making any sense,” he muttered. “And if, by some freakish reason, you've suddenly found a yearning desire for having heartfelt talks, why do we need to have them in the middle of the night?”
John sighed and drew a deep breath. He couldn't quite make himself meet Rodney's eyes. “I'm not easy to live with,” he blurted out.
There were several long moments of silence and John had already began to curse himself for not keeping his thoughts to himself, when Rodney rose up on his elbow and glared at him. “You're not easy to live with?” he said, raising his voice a little.
John swallowed. “Well... you know. With the...” he didn't know how to finish the sentence so he shut his mouth again.
“Well, in the terms of you being a moron with a brain the size of a pea, I admit it is a bit of a challenge,” Rodney muttered. “And also, if you weren't worth it, do you honestly think I'd bother? Now shut up and go to sleep, we have to be up early tomorrow.”
With that, he draped himself over John's chest again and closed his eyes. It didn't take long for him to start snoring. John lay still, staring at the thin hair and the long eyelashes of his lover, and slowly felt his confusion give way to a smile.
They were going to be just fine.
fin -
Author: Zinnith
Rating: PG
Pairing: John/Rodney
Wordcount: ~5000
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Summary: The timing couldn't be better. Unfortunately, Rodney didn't agree.
Notes: Believe it or not, here's a new Entangled Particles story! I cannot thank the_cephalopod enough for beta duties, but we all already know that she is brilliant and worthy of much praise. *squishes Cep*
External Forces
When Hal asked how John would like a few weeks of full time work, he didn't even have to think about it. Money had been a little tight lately, and even though John knew he wouldn't have to worry about food and a roof over his head, he hated mooching off Rodney. The fact that he had a rich boyfriend was something of a sore spot for him (not that he'd ever tell Rodney that of course) and John had always taken pride in his ability to take care of himself.
So the timing couldn't have been better. A small company in the vicinity of the youth centre had bought new computers and generously donated the old ones to the centre. Unfortunately, the small room that had been optimistically dubbed 'the computer lab' wasn't big enough for the new machines and needed to be rebuilt. It wasn't complicated work - take down a wall, build a few desks, haul some stuff around; nothing John couldn't handle. There was a bit of wiring that he wasn't confident enough to take on, but one of the kids' father worked as an electrician and had agreed to do it cheaply. The kids were in heaven since the old computers were pretty ancient, and Hal Lindberg, the centre's director and John's boss, was happy to be able to give the kids whose families couldn't afford a computer a chance to do their homework at the centre (even though John suspected the computer lab would be used mostly for video games and Facebook). In short, it was a win-win situation.
Unfortunately, Rodney didn't agree.
“Your timing sucks,” he announced when John told him the news that evening. “I just sent off my articles, I have two weeks with no lectures, no classes and no meetings, it's the first time in years I've had anything close to a vacation and you're going to work?”
“It's full time,” John protested weakly. “I need to get my stereo fixed.”
“I'll buy you a new stereo,” Rodney growled.
John instantly saw red. “I don't want a new stereo,” he hissed back. “I want my old, crappy one, that I paid for with my own money. Jeez McKay, here I thought you'd be happy for me!”
“Yes!” Rodney shouted. “Obviously I'm just thrilled that I get to spend my two weeks off with the cat!”
John stood up, very slowly and carefully, fighting the urge to punch Rodney in the face. “I'm going for a walk,” he said. He was pretty sure that if he stayed much longer, things would deteriorate even further.
“Fine!” Rodney yelled after him as he exited the apartment. “It's not like I've been looking forward to spending some time with you or anything!”
“It's not like that's my fault,” John shot back before he slammed the door shut, cutting off Rodney's outraged response.
He took the stairs down, ignoring the way they made his leg ache. He just needed to move, needed to do something to get rid of his anger and his disappointment. He knew he shouldn't have lashed out at Rodney like that. After all, he'd been aware that Rodney had some free time coming up. McKay might have a fat bank account, but he worked hard for his money. Not only did he write best-selling novels, he also gave lectures, wrote articles for journals and magazines and taught a few writing classes at California State. Throwing that in his face had just been unfair. As for the money issue - well, Rodney never had to worry about it. He just didn't get how important it was for John to stay independent.
But it was more than just the money. John had worked part time as the maintenance man at the youth centre for close to a year now and he loved the place and the kids. He'd spent most of his career in the Air Force destroying things - dropping bombs, shooting at people, blowing shit up. It was nice to get to build something for a change. To know that he made a difference, that the kids would grow up and hopefully remember him as someone who had contributed to making their childhood a little easier.
Rodney had his passion for words and science, but the youth centre was John's mission in life. He wanted to do this, wanted to know that his love and care would be built into the walls, that it would be something permanent, even after he was gone.
And, a mean little voice in the back of his mind whispered, maybe it wouldn't hurt Rodney to be the one who had to sit around and wait for a change.
The apartment was dark when he got back and Rodney was an unmoving lump buried under the covers in bed. John sighed to himself and went to brush his teeth. It was apparently too late to try to fix things tonight.
As he shed his clothes and quietly crawled into bed, John could tell Rodney was only pretending to be asleep, but he wasn't feeling up to another argument and he had to be up early the next morning. He could've gone back to his own apartment, but somewhere during the past year, he'd discovered that he just didn't sleep well without Rodney's imitation of a chainsaw beside him.
Even as Rodney's tense back slowly relaxed and he fell asleep for real, John lay awake, wondering if he really was making the right decision.
* * *
Rodney was still asleep when John got dressed and left the next morning. He thought about waking him up, but decided against it. Instead he prepared the coffee maker and left a hastily scribbled note, which simply said, Sorry. Rodney could work it out for himself.
By the time he'd arrived at the youth centre and had got to work, he was beginning to feel a lot better. Working with his hands, doing something constructive, was just what he needed. He'd decided to try to get most of the work done early in the day before the kids showed up after school, so the place was mostly empty. He had the radio on so he could sing along loudly, and terribly, as he worked, and by the time the kids started trickling in, he had got quite a lot done.
Rodney met him in the hall when he came home, the corner of his mouth turned down. “Hello honey, how was your day?” was his sarcastic greeting.
John shrugged as he took off his toolbelt. “Oh, pretty good. I tore down a wall. You?”
“Carson's taking me fishing tomorrow,” Rodney said with a grimace. “I expect much lyrical talk about the clear mountain streams of the Scottish highlands.” Then he looked up, studying John more closely. “You have drywall in your hair,” he muttered, sounding half annoyed and half fascinated.
“I'll take a shower,” John answered, rubbing his neck. “You want to cook tonight or order in?”
“I already ordered pizza. It should be here in fifteen minutes. I figured you'd be hungry when you came home so...” Rodney trailed off, looking a little lost.
“Yeah, thanks.” John searched his mind for something more to say but couldn't come up with anything so he just ducked his head and fled to the bathroom.
Damn, he thought to himself a few minutes later when he was standing under the hot spray, letting it wash away the dust and sweat from the day's work. Rodney was really trying, John could tell, but these two weeks were still bound to be uncomfortable at best.
Maybe he should just cave, tell Hal that he'd have to find someone else to the job. Spending time with your normally-busy boyfriend was a passable excuse, wasn't it? And he really didn't need the money that much, he spent most of his time at Rodney's anyway so the stereo could wait.
Then again, John had promised himself long ago not to build his entire existence around Rodney. He'd worked hard to make a life for himself in Sacramento, and while Rodney was a crucial part of it, he wasn't everything.
So no, he wasn't going to give up the job. If he and Rodney had to spend their free time together trying not to step on each other's toes, so be it. The youth centre was important. Rodney knew it was important. And John figured he'd put up with enough of Rodney and his single-minded writing frenzies that Rodney could allow him to have this one thing.
They ate the pizza in silence and then watched re-runs on the TV until John fell asleep on the couch. He woke up in the small hours to find that Rodney had gone to bed and left him covered with an old afghan. He lay on his back for a while, staring up at the ceiling, one hand resting on the worn fabric, but he couldn't seem to bring his thoughts into any order so he went into the bedroom and crawled in beside Rodney's snoring form. Newton, who had curled up around Rodney's feet, raised his head and gave John a yellow-eyed glare as the mattress dipped under his weight.
“Shut up,” John told the cat, but it didn't do anything for the guilt still gnawing at his stomach.
* * *
A couple of more days went by where John and Rodney didn't exchange many words. Rodney had dinner ready for him when he came home from work and they spent the evenings watching TV in silence. John felt like he was going to burst from the tension, and sometimes he caught himself wishing for a decent fight, just to clear the air.
But Rodney seemed to have decided not to let any disapproving comments slip and, as a result, did not open his mouth at all. John held out over the weekend and then went home to his own apartment, explaining that he didn't want his early mornings to disturb Rodney when he wanted to sleep in. The excuse was just as weak as it sounded, but it got John out of Rodney's place, and when he came home he leaned his back against the front door and let out a deep sigh of relief. Just one more week of work left and then he could begin to try to fix this.
The job went on as planned and Rick the electrician turned out to be a loud, good-natured guy with an endless supply of dirty jokes. John spent their coffee breaks laughing until his stomach hurt.
He managed to keep his thoughts on Rodney away from work. It was worse to come home to his lonely little apartment, completely devoid of surly writers and cats. More than once, John had considered just apologising to get it over and done with. The problem was, they both had their pride and neither of them was going to be the one to give in first.
Laura called late one evening, sounding exasperated and a little tired. “So, what is it this time?” she asked. John didn't even have to ask what she was talking about - Rodney's long-suffering assistant was the one who always got to bear the brunt of their arguments.
“Nothing,” John tried to assure her. “I'm just a little busy with work right now.”
Laura sighed. “If you say so. You know, it's not that I don't like him, but it's getting a little trying to have him over all the time, if you know what I mean. This was supposed to be my time off too.”
“Yeah, I know,” John answered, feeling like an asshole. “I'll talk to him.”'
“You better do more than just talk,” Laura said and hang up.
John sat for the longest time arguing with himself over whether or not to go over to Rodney's, but he ended up going to bed instead. He had to be up early the next morning after all. There'd be plenty of time to talk - and possibly do a little more - to Rodney another day.
As he was getting ready to leave the next day, he sent off a quick text message to Rodney. Stop bothering Laura. See you soon. He'd held his thumb over the buttons for a long time, trying to make himself add I love you at the end of the message, but he hadn't been able to do it. He knew Rodney needed the words, needed to see and hear them, but John had never found it easy to let them out. The message went off without any words of endearment and John went to work with something small and jagged turning in his chest.
* * *
“You're quiet today, Sheppard,” Hal said, peeking out of his office at the end of the hall. “Something the matter?”
John looked up from the nail he'd been pounding, surprised that his boss had noticed. Well, he supposed he had been acting a little off today. He hadn't been able to stand the disgustingly chirpy voice of the DJ on the radio and there had been just the hint of a headache lying in wait behind his eyes since early morning.
“Nah, it's nothing,” he said with a careless shrug, hoping it would fool Hal.
But the huge ex-football player had too much experience with contrary kids to fall for the act. “Those nails must've have done something terrible for you to treat them that way then,” he said with a glance at the handful of bent nails John had thrown aside with a little too much force. “By the way, I haven't seen McKay around much lately. He doing all right?”
“He's fine,” John said, gritting his teeth.
“Still working hiss ass off, I take it?”
“No,” John said, bringing the hammer down. “He's got a couple of weeks off.”
“Oh,” Hal nodded to himself. “I see.”
Then he went back into his office. The door was left open, the same way it usually was when the kids started to arrive. John put the hammer down and stared at the door. After a moment, the familiar tones of Johnny Cash started to drift out of the office. Damn. Ah, well. It was probably time for a break anyway.
Hal hardly looked up from his computer when John entered and deposited himself in the shabby chair on the opposite side of the desk, but there was a fresh mug of coffee standing in front of the empty place. John had to grin. His boss knew him well.
“Rodney's driving me crazy,” he said, picking up the mug and taking a sip.
“Hm,” Hal grunted, still not turning away from the monitor. John waited for the big man to say something, but when Hal remained quiet, he found that he had to fill the silence himself.
“Well, I guess we're driving each other crazy,” he continued, trying his best to voice his thoughts.
Hal looked up. “So, what else is new?” he asked and raised a silver-coloured eyebrow.
John smiled a little at that. It was hardly a secret. “Well, I suppose it's all right for him to be all caught up in his work, but when it's me, it's suddenly not as important,” he said, not quite able to keep a hint of bitterness out of his voice.
“Hmm,” Hal answered, noncommittally, taking a sip from his coffee mug and hitting another few keys on the keyboard.
“This place... it's important to me,” John admitted to the quiet open air.
Hal looked up again. “Don't I know it,” he said with a little chuckle. “Let's just said I spent my fair share of nights on the couch when we were starting up. Still do as a matter of fact. But Maude, she has her bowling and her book circle and God save the poor soul who tries to keep her away from them.”
John laughed a bit at that too. Maude Lindberg was as tiny as her husband was huge, but she had the sort of presence that made it impossible not to respect her deeply; more than one presumptuous young offender had found that out the hard way - you simply did not argue with Maude.
Turning the monitor away, Hal leaned over the desk, finally looking straight at John. “Listen, Sheppard,” he said soberly. “You're both stubborn, and you both have tempers. Of course you're going to argue. The important thing is, is it worth it?”
John didn't even have to think about that. “It is to me,” he said earnestly. “I'm just not so sure about Rodney.”
Hal actually laughed out loud at that. “Have you seen how that man looks at you? I don't think you have anything to worry about there. And if you still do, how about you just tell him about it?”
The words hit exactly the spot in John's chest where his worst fears were located. What if Rodney didn't think it was worth it? What if he was just holding out until someone better came along, someone a little less screwed up in the head?
John shook his head. “It's... hard,” he said, trying not to swallow back the words.
“Of course it is,” Hal agreed. “But that's what all relationships are about, isn't it? Giving and taking. Can't teach it to the kids if you can't practice it yourself.”
With that, Hal went back to his computer and John finished his coffee in silence, pondering the wise words of his boss.
It was strange how he could be this honest with Hal when usually just thinking about talking about his feelings made him cringe. He could've used having someone like Hal around in his own youth. In any case, John was damn grateful to have him now.
* * *
The rest of the morning was a bit more productive. John turned the radio back on and tried not to bend so many nails while thinking about how he might be able to make all this up to Rodney. He would have to come up with something. Rodney really had done his very best to handle the situation. It wasn't like John didn't complain when Rodney had to work tough hours to meet a deadline, it was just that he usually did it quietly to himself or to the cat. Rodney was a lot more vocal about his feelings. To keep them under control for as long as he had must have been quite an effort. No matter how John looked at it, he couldn't help being strangely proud of his boyfriend.
By noon, John was almost whistling as he worked, standing on a ladder and nailing the trim between the new wall and the ceiling. He had both arms over his head and was doing his best to keep his balance on the shaky ladder since his damn leg just didn't want to behave the way it was supposed to.
Without warning, he heard the sound of hurrying feet and then the world stabilised. John looked down to see Rodney holding the ladder for him, his face a mix of worry, irritation and something more that John couldn't quite place.
John hammered in the last nail and then slid the hammer back into his toolbelt and turned back to Rodney. “Thanks, buddy,” he said, not quite sure how to proceed. For the most part, he expected Rodney to berate him for being stupid enough to climb ladders without a spotter.
“Hi,” Rodney mumbled instead and waved a little, the colour rising on his cheeks. “I was going for a walk and I just, you know, happened to be in the neighbourhood and I thought maybe you wanted to have lunch. Um. With me?”
“Sure, why not.” John climbed down from the ladder, ducking his head to hide the smile. Rodney going for a walk was pretty damn unusual and he would've had to take a cab to 'be in the neighbourhood'.
Then he remembered something else and felt the urge to smack himself hard in the head. “Shit. I can't. Rick's coming in to finish the wiring and he's busy the rest of the week so we have to get it done today.”
Rodney's face fell. “Oh. Well, that's... okay, I suppose. I just thought I'd ask. Anyway, I have, um, something do do somewhere, I'm sure, so I won't bother you any more. Just... ah, never mind. Be safe.”
He turned his back, preparing to leave, and John felt like an idiot. A big, fat, guilty idiot. He could've taken an hour off to have lunch with Rodney. But Rick would be here any moment and they simply had to get the wiring finished today.
John's battle with his feelings was interrupted by Hal's booming voice from the office.
“McKay, is that you out there?”
Rodney turned again. “Yes?”
Hal stuck his head out of the door. “You know a bit about computers, don't you?”
The disappointment in Rodney's face faded to give way to a haughty expression. “If by, 'a bit' you mean 'infinitely more that most people', then yes, I do.”
“Great!” Hal answered, not reacting to the comment. “You got a minute to spare? I wanted to talk to you about donating some time.”
Rodney looked at John, who just shrugged his shoulders. He had no idea what Hal had planned, but he suspected it was something meddlesome. Rodney shuffled over to the office and disappeared through the door. No matter how hard John tried, he couldn't hear what they were talking about in there, and just then Rick arrived so John turned up the volume on the radio and went back to work, hoping that there wouldn't be too much of a mess in the end.
Fifteen minutes later, Rodney emerged again, looking half annoyed and half excited. Or possibly annoyed about his own excitement. It was always hard to tell with Rodney. He was walking slowly, absentmindedly, like he was deep in thought, and for a moment, John thought that he would ignore him and walk right past.
“Rodney!” he shouted and saw Rodney turning around, the thoughtful face replaced with a hopeful look. John smiled. This was where he should start to try to fix things. “I'll try to finish up early, okay? See you tonight?”
Rodney's eyes brightened like someone had lit a lightbulb behind his forehead. “Yes, yes, that's excellent! I'll talk to you later, all right? I have a few things I need to get done for tomorrow.”
Baffled, John wondered exactly what Hal had put Rodney up to, but his mood seemed to have improved, so John certainly wasn't complaining. Rodney went off again, muttering to himself and scribbling in his ever-present notebook, and then Rick dragged John back to work. Everything went just according to plan and they kept to their timeline just fine, but John only had half a mind on the job. He couldn't help feeling oddly nervous about seeing Rodney tonight.
* * *
'Finishing up early' turned into having to stay behind for thirty minutes after work to resolve a fight on the basketball court. When John got off the bus near Rodney's apartment complex, he was tired and sweaty and feeling every bit as weary at he looked when he spotted his own reflection in the bus window.
The apartment was empty when he let himself in, but John could hear the shower running. Newton made lazy figures of eight around his legs until John leaned over and picked him up, scratching his ears before letting him rest in the crook of his elbow. The large grey cat purred contentedly and rubbed his head against John's arm. “Well, at least you're happy to see me,” he told Newton as he walked over to the couch and sat down, transferring the cat to his lap. “Now what about your daddy?”
The shower turned off. John thought about trying to find out if Rodney had anything planned for dinner, but his limbs were heavy and Newton had made himself comfortable in his lap so moving felt like more trouble than it was worth.
The bathroom door opened to let out the scent of soap and hot steam and clean skin. John turned his aching neck around, trying to catch a glimpse of Rodney in the bathroom mirror, but couldn't see anything. He closed his eyes instead, leaned his head against the back of the couch and concentrated on Newton's weight on his thighs.
The next time John looked up, Rodney was standing in front of him, dressed in boxers and his favourite threadbare 'I'm with genius' t-shirt. His hair was still damp and standing up from where he'd rubbed it with the towel, and he smelled clean and soft. John just wanted to reach out and press up against his belly.
“You're getting sawdust on the cushions,” Rodney said.
John looked down. Rodney was right, there were a fair amount of dust on both the floor and the couch. He had just been too tired to get out of his work clothes before sitting down. He was even still wearing the toolbelt, something he realised just now from the uncomfortable way the hammer was digging into his bad leg. “Sorry?” he tried. “And sorry I'm late. There was this thing.”
Rodney waved his hands in a frighteningly enthusiastic way. “Yes, yes, that's fine, it's all right. I ordered Chinese and then I got a little light-headed so I started without you, but there's plenty left in the fridge. Do you want me to get it for you?”
“You're in a good mood,” John noted dryly. “Should I be afraid?”
“Afraid?” Rodney's eyebrows rose to comical heights. “No, no, not at all. You see, I talked to Hal and the man is evil, I swear, but he made me promise to get those no doubt virus-infested goodwill computers of yours working at top capacity, so I get to come with you to work for the rest of the week...” he trailed off, watching John's dazed expression. “This is good news, isn't it? Because if you don't want me there, I can just do it from home, but I thought it would be nice if we could, you know, maybe take breaks together and stuff and...I'm babbling, right? I can't help it, I babble when I get nervous!”
It felt like John's smile was threathening to split his face in half. Hal Lindberg was a sneaky bastard, you had to give him that. “It's excellent news, Rodney,” he said, and then after a brief pause and a hard swallow, “I missed you.”
Rodney's eyes went very soft and his hands stilled. “I missed you too. I know I didn't handle this too well but, well... I was looking forward to two weeks alone with you. I had a plan and a list and everything and then it just... didn't happen. So I'm sorry for being a jerk.”
“Me too,” John echoed. He searched his mind for more words but couldn't find any, so he hoped Rodney would get it anyway. “I'll just... I'll go get a shower and get out of these clothes and you can tell me all about that list of yours, all right?”
Rodney met his smirk. “Oh, I just revised the list. How about you get something to eat, and then I can help you get out of those clothes and into the shower and we'll see what happens from there. Do you have any idea how hot you look like that, all rugged and manly with the stains and the toolbelt and all those funny little pockets and everything?”
That sounded like an excellent plan to John. He shuffled a protesting Newton aside and got to his feet. “I like the way you think, McKay. Lead on.”
* * *
Rodney was growing heavier by the minute, but John couldn't quite relax just yet. The thoughts and doubts and worries from earlier were still spinning around in his head, so fast that they were almost making him dizzy. Rodney was still here, making drool-stains on his shoulder, but what about the next time, and the time after that? Like Hal had said, they were both stubborn, they both had short tempers. They wouldn't stop fighting. The question was - how many arguments could a relationship withstand until it started to crack?
“Am I worth it?” he finally asked.
Rodney yawned and blinked an eye open. “Worth what?” he said, sounding half-asleep.
“You know...” John waved his hand around. “All this.”
The words that had made sense in his head didn't sound nearly as good when he tried to get them out of his mouth.
Rodney rubbed the heel of his hand over his eyes and rolled over to lie on his side. “You're still not making any sense,” he muttered. “And if, by some freakish reason, you've suddenly found a yearning desire for having heartfelt talks, why do we need to have them in the middle of the night?”
John sighed and drew a deep breath. He couldn't quite make himself meet Rodney's eyes. “I'm not easy to live with,” he blurted out.
There were several long moments of silence and John had already began to curse himself for not keeping his thoughts to himself, when Rodney rose up on his elbow and glared at him. “You're not easy to live with?” he said, raising his voice a little.
John swallowed. “Well... you know. With the...” he didn't know how to finish the sentence so he shut his mouth again.
“Well, in the terms of you being a moron with a brain the size of a pea, I admit it is a bit of a challenge,” Rodney muttered. “And also, if you weren't worth it, do you honestly think I'd bother? Now shut up and go to sleep, we have to be up early tomorrow.”
With that, he draped himself over John's chest again and closed his eyes. It didn't take long for him to start snoring. John lay still, staring at the thin hair and the long eyelashes of his lover, and slowly felt his confusion give way to a smile.
They were going to be just fine.
fin -