META: The Six-Year Carousel Ride of Dean Angst & the Hope for Progress in S7
So....I've been vaulting my ep reactions the last couple of weeks. Because I honestly haven't known what to DO with the last two episodes. They did these things where they went much further and called back to the past much clearer than I expected them to go, and in that respect I LOVED THEM. But then they just left it there with absolutely ZERO follow-through, when I want them to DO something with it, so the episodes end and I'm like "Really? That's it? You opened up that box and you're just leaving it there?". Which was entirely too frustrating for words and made me question the writers abilities to more than reference back to the past, and doubt they're prepared to do more than just meta about the past in repeat forever. So I had written pages and pages of notes and meta, but I felt confident in very little of it and that posting it would have gotten my hopes higher than I could allow them to be so early in on the season. I guess you could say I was highly SUSPICIOUS, and I didn't want to jinx anything until I see more.
THAT IS WHY THIS IS EXACTLY THE ANVILICIOUS, MOTW, CLASSIC SPN FILLER I NEEDED! I have an intense love for classic anvilicious motw filler. The big heavy lethal episodes make me cry bucketfuls, but it's the fillers I watch over and over again. Bugs. Route 666. Roadkill. Red Sky in the Morning. Criss Angel. Fallen Idols. My God even Yellow Fever which I had nothing but hate for and still hate the execution for. They're the episodes that get a lot of criticism. But then they have these small detail moments that I love SO SO VERY HARD because they call back to things and yet at the same time also says things for the future that resonate even more as the season unfolds.
So...as a consequence, instead of using any of those notes from the last two weeks, which I totally could have done, this EXPLODED today in response to 7.05. It's basically my MAGNUM OPUS of S7 thinky thoughts in a nutshell...
SPN - A 'Where we are now?' Meta on Dean and Sam and 7.05 in context of the season so far, and the carousel of the last six years that is Dean Angst
So I had this nagging thought since 7.03 happened that Dean was being ridiculous. That everyone saying that the shit would hit the fan when Sam found out about this Amy "secret" and that INCLUDES DEAN, would be surprised to find out that Sam is not going to react as strongly as Dean fears he will. [I admit have a HUGEEEE annoyance over script devices like secrets, true in 2.01 as much as it still is now]
Dean WANTS Sam to be okay. But he's not sure he can count on that. "The other shoe always drops". And in his view, it's always he's fault. It's not that Dean doesn't trust Sam. He just doesn't trust that Sam is OKAY. The funny part there is that Dean trusts himself more even though he knows he is OBVIOUSLY not okay. But it's all relative to Dean, he still thinks he's more cogent to make a decision than Sam is right now. That's the delicious irony here.
People, including Dean, always underestimate Sam's capacity to understand his brother. He's following along. I do believe he's connected the dots.
This Amy thing in itself is not huge compared to the legions of guilt and morality issues the Winchesters have piled up over the years. But it is the straw that's breaking Dean's back. Precisely because of the context that it happened in.
DEAN'S OWN WALL CRUMBLING DOWN
I posited a couple episodes back that Dean had his own metaphorical wall kicked in the same time Sam's did. With Cas's betrayal an echo of Sam's own in S4, Dean suddenly feels all these pieces of the past repeating itself on him like a bad lunch. Dean's stuck in that panic room hovering over comatose Sam AGAIN, this time because of something an entity he considered was like a brother to him, DID. This is on the tails of Dean permanently giving up on Ben and Lisa and any chance he had at a normal life by erasing himself from their lives completely, because of all the hell him coming into their life seemed to bring to them. Afterwards, Cas releases a Big Bad with his betrayal a la Sam with Luci. A Big Bad that wants to go on a huge killing spree, all of which is again ON DEAN. On top of that, Dean's got Sam with mashed up crazycakes for brains who one second says he's FINE and in CONTROL, and the next is swinging uncocked guns at him. Then Sam's comatose and in the hospital. That Big Bad is after them. Sam runs away AGAIN. (Think of all the memories that one brings back). Dean has to run after him, finds him, punches him (which conjures up it's own bunch of bad past memories). And Sam opens up, tells Dean what's going on, and asks Dean to trust him on something. Dean's just watched the last month of his life repeat the past like a nonstop nauseating carousel. His conclusion is that nothing changes. But he has this sliver hair of hope that maybe, just maybe, Sam might just be okay. If there's one exception he wants to be true, it's that. Dean asserted to Sam on the verge of crazyland that he is real, and it's that foundation that Sam is building his reality on. He needs Sam to be better, if he ever has any hope of being okay himself. So Dean gives Sam pretense, says he trusts him. Then goes and kills Amy anyway.
This doesn't help matters for himself though. Because Dean KNOWS he's being a hypocrite, KNOWS he just told Sam not to lie and keep things from him, KNOWS he has just betrayed Sam's trust in the same way that he was always heartbroken when Sam did the same.
And so the guilt of this starts bubbling everything up to the surface he's spent so much energy for so long burying. The show actually physically shows this, with flashbacks in 7.04, first with Jo. But more importantly the moment Osiris says:
"That one act had quite a domino effect...and what came after, all the death and blood and hanging on by a thread, none of that is on Dean directly...."
We cut to Dean's panicked face, and flashes of the past come back at us. And the sequence of these flashes, I believe is important. The very first is Dean punching Sam in the 'When the Levee Breaks' [4.21] honeymoon suite, followed by Dean punching Sam in 'Bloodlust' [2.03], followed by Vamp!Dean pushing Ben in 'Live Free or Twihard' [6.05]. Then, some shots of innocents being killed. Pamela. Jo. John's death. Dean standing over his grave in 'What Is', which we remember is a monologue in which Dean asked:
"But why? Why is it my job to save these people?....Why do we have to sacrifice everything?"
And then this: Dean looking at his bloody hand while holding dying Sam in AHBL I, followed by Dean looking at his bloody hand while holding dying Lisa in 'Let It Bleed'.
THAT is repeating pasts bubbling up. That is Dean's fail safe coping mechanism REDLINING under the strains. While Sam's busy dealing with hallucinations from Hell, Dean's busy dealing with hallucinations from his past. It's not a coincidence the first time we saw the show focus on Dean drinking as a coping mechanism it was when he first started getting his Hell memories back. He uses alcohol to push them back down. This time, it's memories of real life haunting him. I can't even begin to list all the illusions to the last six years they've done this season so far, it's maddening. Quotes that call back other quotes, contexts that call back to other contexts. I had a list going and it got so long, I couldn't even look at it anymore. It’s all meta within meta within meta. It’s S3 where Dean won’t be vulnerable around Sam. It’s S4 where Dean can’t trust that Sam is okay. It’s S5 in that he's tired of fighting who he really is. It's S2 where Dean thinks he has to shoulder a secret to protect Sam (except this time, I believe it's more him protecting himself).
I've always ADORED this 'Roadkill' quote, which for years I've thought beautifully summarized the Winchesters and the series as a whole in one big nutshell. At times, it has applied to Sam. Now I believe it applies to Dean.
MOLLY: It's a love letter he wrote her. My god, it's beautiful. I don't understand how a guy like this can turn into that monster.
SAM: Spirits like Greeley are,uh... Like wounded animals. Lost. In so much pain, that they lash out.
MOLLY: Why? Why are they here?
SAM: Well, there's some part of them that... That's keeping them here. Like their remains or, um... Unfinished business.
MOLLY: Unfinished business?
SAM: Yeah. It could be revenge. Could be love. Or hate. Whatever it is, they just hold on too tight. Can't let go. So they're trapped. Caught in the same loops. Replaying the same tragedies over and over.
MOLLY: You sound almost sorry for them.
SAM: Well, they weren't evil people, you know? A lot of them were good. Just... Something happened to them. Something they couldn't control.
(And somewhere on my computer is a half-done vid with this quote to Beethoven's String Quartet in C-Minor which if you know the piece, you know why it's failed to see the light of day. I can't look at it without bawling my eyeballs out over it).
So, shift to this episode, we begin with Dean's nightmares in a way that echo's Sam's Hell memories in 7.01 and 7.02:
Only instead of Hell, Dean's nightmares are of the recent past. The sequence of the images in Dean's head is 1) Cas's watery descent, 2) Sam pulling a gun on him, and 3) him gutting Amy.
I had read THIS interview posted the day before 7.03 aired and bookmarked this quote:
"This is a pretty core-level shakeup for Dean...He's not exactly sure what category to put his brother in, considering the whole wave-a-gun-in-your face thing," Sera explains of Dean's current mindset. "He so firmly had Cas in the ally category and he was so wrong. When something like that happens in your life, it causes you to doubt your instincts and you certainly have something to prove to yourself again. I think that is something that Dean is really battling with." - Sera Gamble
I was delighted to see Dean's nightmare sketch that thought out EXACTLY. Say what you will about anvils, but sometimes I NEED them to assure myself the writers are planning things out and know what the hell they're doing.
So now I feel confident to say this: Concentrating on Dean killing Amy as one event in time isn't the point. The point is that this ISN'T anything new with Dean. This is what Dean has always done, since the beginning of the show.
It's this Amy thing, on top of everything else. The past repeating itself. Nothing can change. Dean's stuck in the same endless loop forever alone. The one thing he can cling to is his crap. His guilt. Like an addict, he's held onto it for so long, he doesn't know who he is without it (He admits to Jo in 7.04: "I'm 90% crap. I get rid of that, what's left?"). But also, like an addict, it's crippling him and will be his downfall if he doesn't start to willingly confront these issues soon.
This episode was not without some progress. He does end up admitting the core of that conflict here to Sam:
Oh, Dean. You're more than that. We all know you're more than that.
Sam gives him an out to talk about Amy. But talking about Amy is only an impetus for everything else after it.
THE 'I' IN TEAM
Because let's be honest. There's a real problem going on here. Sam asks, "We're good, right?" No, Sam actually you two are not good. Because see your brother here let's YOU operate under the idea that you two are a team. That you share responsibility and blame and shoulder each other through. But it's a front. Even back in 5.11, while Sam was saying 'we'll do this together', Dean still believed everything rested on him. Every time Sam said, "we'll figure out a way, kick it in the ass together", in Dean's mind it read as "*I* have to figure something out and everything that happens as a result will be mine to deal with." He assigns blame of everything that happens to everyone under his watch, to him. That's part of his big brother role gone horribly horribly wrong. And it's only gotten worse SINCE S5. Because the solution to save the world? That ended with Sam in Hell and Dean alone. For a whole year. By himself. Sure, he had Lisa and Ben (mostly so he wouldn't put a gun to his throat). But ultimately, it all ended in more crap that *HE* had to deal with himself. Then S6 Dean had soulless!Sam who he couldn't trust, followed by Wall-Might-Break-At-Any-Time!Sam who he was consistently worried about and reinforced that big brother role 1000X.
This mentality has to be fixed. I'm still not positive how, but I'm finally convinced that they're prepared to do more with this than just keep metaing over ad nauseum on the past. To actually move forward from this rut that Dean's been stuck in for SO LONG. I can't even tell you how crazy it makes me feel to be confronted with how long and how nauseatingly cyclical Dean's issues have gone on for. I'm not kidding about that carousel.
The good thing is Sam and Dean are on the same page for the first time in a long time. But they are not the same people. So they can force each other to see things in different ways, knock down lies, and bolster each other with what is true.
In fact, the season began with two twin shots. A shot of Sam's boots walking down into the damp hall to get the jar of blood before Luci got to him. And a following shot of Dean's boots walking down the same damp hall to follow him.
They're both down the same roads. Going in the same direction. Dean's following Sam. Both an omen and a hope. Only, Sam's got to turn and see it.
By Sam's reaction at Dean's response there, saying 'We're good" in the same way Dean says "I'm fine":
I believe he finally got the memo, loud and clear.
NEW!SAM LEADS THE WAY?
And that's a good thing. Because it's this new!Sam, as Dean calls him (of course Dean's wrong about that too, it's more evolved!Sam than new!Sam) that gives us hope. Because for all intents and purposes, he's good. Dean doesn't believe it. People don't change, right? But this is Sam who finally after twenty....six/seven years of his life, finally doesn't have anything or anyone trying to control him for something. He's been evil's master plan his whole life and that chapter is done. He's fixed himself, put all his parts from Hell together again and if a little Lucifer hallicinations of left over past, that's okay. I'm sure that is not done completely. But overall, if...if, Sam IS TRULY finally good. I mean, not solid, still sees Luci and all, but if he is better than anything of the last six years? That means them talking doesn't have to result in the same way that it used to. Because that's what Dean's really afraid of right now, right? Sam's reaction? Because old little brother Sam would flip out. "How could you have not told me?! You said you trusted me!" Right?! But that's not the same Sam that is in front of you now, Dean. He has the capacity to understand if you'd just talk to him. Things don't have to repeat the past. It doesn't have to be the same conversation. It could be a new conversation. One that leads to something better. For you. Your liver. Sam. And you know, the world.
SAM: Were you listening to the Starks tonight?...you notice how they opened up? Got everything off their chest?
DEAN: Yea, kudos on selling them that crap
SAM: It wasn't crap, Dean. It worked.
DEAN: ...Sam. I am so very very very...very very very tired--
SAM: Dean, like it or not, the stuff you don't talk about doesn't just go away. It builds up.
Remember 5.11? It's like the theme for this season now.
DEAN: That's exactly what you're gonna do. You're gonna take all that crap, and you're gonna bury it. You're gonna forget about it. Because that's how we keep going. That's how we don't end up like Martin.
I'm gonna say it again, Dean. That's exactly how you end up like Martin. And Sam? He's not you. He never was. He knew that. He didn't argue with Dean there. But every action after from his reaction right there, to every episode of S5 following showed that he didn't believe that was a good course of action. And he didn't take it. Instead, he DEALT with that crap. And it worked for him.
Meanwhile, two (?) years later, Dean's trying to hold his marbles in that lead box with a cracking rubber band.
But just like Dean becomes Sam's first stone of reality when he's almost completely lost all sanity in 7.02?
So Sam can be Dean's stone of reality. Of the present. Not the past. Before all those marbles spill all over the floor. Sam has a new rubber band for you, hon, if you want it? But that requires you talking and mending fences you don't want to acknowledge are still damaged. And contrary to what you're telling yourself, talking about them doesn't have to lead to more damage.
THE ANVIL THAT WAS THE STARKS
Did you notice how DELIBERATELY and DELICIOUSLY anvilicious the Starks conversation was played?
DEAN: Obviously you two are capable of wiping each other out, right? But you haven't? Huh? Which means, you two. You still VALUE...whatever it is you still got. And you want to keep that dance going.
SAM: What he's trying to say is, you two are...bonded.
MAGGIE: Are you out of your mind?! He cheated on me. Humiliated me!
SAM: We're not trying to say what Don did was right. *however* When a relationship cracks, usually both parties have a hand in it.
And Sam would know! Listen closer.
DON: *nods* Indeed.
MAGGIE: You're DEFENDING HIM?
DEAN: No one can defend Don. Uh....totally. But *to Maggie* we get that you feel betrayed. Because you were.
DON: Don't suck up to her. *throws Dean against the pane-glass door*
What is the era of the past so horrible that even Hell felt like a cake walk to Dean in comparison? In my mind, all of Dean's worst fears make a beeline straight to Season Four. They're fears that he always had, that were manifested in reality during that season, and since then have continued to govern him, even years later. The number of illusions back to S4 since this season started are making my head spin, and truthfully, it's not a season I want to find myself dwelling on again. But let's be honest, it was never truly dealt with. Sam may have worked through the issues that lead himself to that Season Four finale, but Dean never has. So yes, the script sets it up pretty explicitly. Don=Sam. Maggie=Dean. Don and Maggie are yes, in the middle of their spats with wounds still fresh, and Sam and Dean are years past it with crappy scars that never quite healed over right, so they're not quite the same. But the anvil is there loud and clear.
Even down to the set design. Don throws Dean threw a partition and glass onto the floor just like what Sam threw Dean through in 'When The Levee Breaks'.
SAM: I gotta say, I don't think Don was lying when he said...he regrets the WHOLE Wendy thing.
MAGGIE: ...Thing? Sit down. *Sam collapses*
SAM: *groans on the floor in pain* Yea. That's right. Affair. Terrible.
MAGGIE: *turns to Don* I think the only thing he regrets is getting caught.
DON: Wendy. Was. Nothing to me. It was over as soon as it started.
MAGGIE: She was part of a pattern, okay? I've had 800 years of this.
A pattern. Like a carousel? Nothing ever changes in a pattern. It's the same thing over and over again. People don't change. Nightmares repeat and only build on each other and get worse until innocent people start dying.
MAGGIE: DO not make me bring up the Renaissance!
DON: OH! OH! You're one to talk! 1492 ring any bells?
MAGGIE: The man was about to set sail! He could POSSIBLY fall off of the edge of the earth! I took pity! So? What's you're excuse?
DON: I told you! Nothing happened with the medicy chick! You've always been INSANELY jealous.
*shot cuts to Dean trying to get up*
NO REALLY. I COULDN'T MAKE THIS UP IF I TRIED. [Sidenote, but Marsters and Charisma were absolutely FABULOUS in this, I prepared myself for a boring stunt casting and instead they pulled me into their twisted 800 year marriage AND I WANT TO KNOW MORE! Very compelling work, guys!]
When Dean stands up for Don and says it's true the assistant is just an assistant:
MAGGIE: Is that true?
DON: I swear it, babe. I would never. *cut to Sam turning to look at Dean* I made a mistake. I'm sorry, Maggie.
SAM: *grapples to get up* See?! Guys? GUYS?! *biggest smile on his face, gestures with both hands* You're TALKING! All these years, you, you've buried your ANGER and DISAPPOINTMENT until it tore you apart! All you needed to do was TALK!!
...I'M SORRY, IS THERE ANY QUESTION ANYMORE THAT THE SHOW ITSELF SHIPS IT? I MEAN, THIS WHOLE EPISODE IS SAM&DEAN=800 YEAR OLD MAGIC MARRIED DEVOTED BUT ESTRANGED COUPLE. And Sam being SO INVESTED IN THEM THAT WHEN THEY WORK IT OUT HE'S GRINNING LIKE A MORON AND PROJECTING LIKE WHOA???
Oh yea, and then they confess they could never murder each other and Don's all ALL I EVER WANTED WAS YOU, I'VE BEEN CRUSHING ON YOU SINCE FOREVER, and then they make out in front of the boys and the camera reveals Sam's HUGE PATHETIC GRIN watching them, AND I'M SORRY WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO GET OUT OF THIS EPISODE AGAIN BESIDES THAT YOU WRITERS WANTED TO REENACT A SAM/DEAN FIC???? Seriously, show, it's all your fault. [Oh and there was one part where Marsters called Charisma 'pet' and MY BRAIN SWITCHED OVER INTO SPIKE/CORDY and that old astartexx vid that always made me cry bucketfuls Spike and Cordy never shared a screen for more than two episodes. THERE WERE LEVELS OF DELICIOUSNESS!]
*cough* Hrm. Where was I? OH YES. The capacity of the show to actually change and evolve and allow Dean to go somewhere and grow out of his angst to reach some kind of a better place than he's been in the last five years. Dare I say, they're actually showing they have the balls to go there? AFTER SIX YEARS?
It feels silly to hope for that. I've hoped for it for so long, I am like Dean. It's been six long years of hoping they'd deal with it, and it being a carousel of Dean angst that never gets dealt with properly. I am TIRED of hoping for that. I've hoped for that for Dean AND Sam by proxy, for SO long. And it's all gone SO SLOW. But if I step back and look, it has been building. And what the hell, they don't seem to have anything else on the table to deal with this seasons BESIDES this, Leviathans not included because it looks like they're be mostly just running from them the whole season anyway. So it is the PERFECT TIME to do this.
SAM: ...LOOK. Dean. It's FINE. You can unload! That's kinda what I'm here for.
DEAN: I'm the one with the broken leg. You gotta carry me.
[CREDIT: gypsy_sunday
Just. SHOW? DON'T LET ME DOWN.
Hope kinda sucks like that.
GIFs all by some fabulous people that were linked all over Tumblr. Maybe one day I'll understand enough to track where relinks are from enough to credit them all right. A plea to GIF people: please waterstamp your gifs, it's the easiest way to keep track. I need to learn GIFing myself it would make cinematography posts so much easier. If anyone has a link to a good guide, I'd love to see it! Thanks gypsy_sunday!
*collapses*
Seven seasons is too much baggage, show. I have renewed sympathy for all those Buffy meta fans that tackled each episode of S7 with such deft grace and knowledge of six years before it. That much history. It's EXHAUSTING!
THAT IS WHY THIS IS EXACTLY THE ANVILICIOUS, MOTW, CLASSIC SPN FILLER I NEEDED! I have an intense love for classic anvilicious motw filler. The big heavy lethal episodes make me cry bucketfuls, but it's the fillers I watch over and over again. Bugs. Route 666. Roadkill. Red Sky in the Morning. Criss Angel. Fallen Idols. My God even Yellow Fever which I had nothing but hate for and still hate the execution for. They're the episodes that get a lot of criticism. But then they have these small detail moments that I love SO SO VERY HARD because they call back to things and yet at the same time also says things for the future that resonate even more as the season unfolds.
So...as a consequence, instead of using any of those notes from the last two weeks, which I totally could have done, this EXPLODED today in response to 7.05. It's basically my MAGNUM OPUS of S7 thinky thoughts in a nutshell...
SPN - A 'Where we are now?' Meta on Dean and Sam and 7.05 in context of the season so far, and the carousel of the last six years that is Dean Angst
So I had this nagging thought since 7.03 happened that Dean was being ridiculous. That everyone saying that the shit would hit the fan when Sam found out about this Amy "secret" and that INCLUDES DEAN, would be surprised to find out that Sam is not going to react as strongly as Dean fears he will. [I admit have a HUGEEEE annoyance over script devices like secrets, true in 2.01 as much as it still is now]
Dean WANTS Sam to be okay. But he's not sure he can count on that. "The other shoe always drops". And in his view, it's always he's fault. It's not that Dean doesn't trust Sam. He just doesn't trust that Sam is OKAY. The funny part there is that Dean trusts himself more even though he knows he is OBVIOUSLY not okay. But it's all relative to Dean, he still thinks he's more cogent to make a decision than Sam is right now. That's the delicious irony here.
People, including Dean, always underestimate Sam's capacity to understand his brother. He's following along. I do believe he's connected the dots.
This Amy thing in itself is not huge compared to the legions of guilt and morality issues the Winchesters have piled up over the years. But it is the straw that's breaking Dean's back. Precisely because of the context that it happened in.
DEAN'S OWN WALL CRUMBLING DOWN
I posited a couple episodes back that Dean had his own metaphorical wall kicked in the same time Sam's did. With Cas's betrayal an echo of Sam's own in S4, Dean suddenly feels all these pieces of the past repeating itself on him like a bad lunch. Dean's stuck in that panic room hovering over comatose Sam AGAIN, this time because of something an entity he considered was like a brother to him, DID. This is on the tails of Dean permanently giving up on Ben and Lisa and any chance he had at a normal life by erasing himself from their lives completely, because of all the hell him coming into their life seemed to bring to them. Afterwards, Cas releases a Big Bad with his betrayal a la Sam with Luci. A Big Bad that wants to go on a huge killing spree, all of which is again ON DEAN. On top of that, Dean's got Sam with mashed up crazycakes for brains who one second says he's FINE and in CONTROL, and the next is swinging uncocked guns at him. Then Sam's comatose and in the hospital. That Big Bad is after them. Sam runs away AGAIN. (Think of all the memories that one brings back). Dean has to run after him, finds him, punches him (which conjures up it's own bunch of bad past memories). And Sam opens up, tells Dean what's going on, and asks Dean to trust him on something. Dean's just watched the last month of his life repeat the past like a nonstop nauseating carousel. His conclusion is that nothing changes. But he has this sliver hair of hope that maybe, just maybe, Sam might just be okay. If there's one exception he wants to be true, it's that. Dean asserted to Sam on the verge of crazyland that he is real, and it's that foundation that Sam is building his reality on. He needs Sam to be better, if he ever has any hope of being okay himself. So Dean gives Sam pretense, says he trusts him. Then goes and kills Amy anyway.
This doesn't help matters for himself though. Because Dean KNOWS he's being a hypocrite, KNOWS he just told Sam not to lie and keep things from him, KNOWS he has just betrayed Sam's trust in the same way that he was always heartbroken when Sam did the same.
And so the guilt of this starts bubbling everything up to the surface he's spent so much energy for so long burying. The show actually physically shows this, with flashbacks in 7.04, first with Jo. But more importantly the moment Osiris says:
"That one act had quite a domino effect...and what came after, all the death and blood and hanging on by a thread, none of that is on Dean directly...."
We cut to Dean's panicked face, and flashes of the past come back at us. And the sequence of these flashes, I believe is important. The very first is Dean punching Sam in the 'When the Levee Breaks' [4.21] honeymoon suite, followed by Dean punching Sam in 'Bloodlust' [2.03], followed by Vamp!Dean pushing Ben in 'Live Free or Twihard' [6.05]. Then, some shots of innocents being killed. Pamela. Jo. John's death. Dean standing over his grave in 'What Is', which we remember is a monologue in which Dean asked:
"But why? Why is it my job to save these people?....Why do we have to sacrifice everything?"
And then this: Dean looking at his bloody hand while holding dying Sam in AHBL I, followed by Dean looking at his bloody hand while holding dying Lisa in 'Let It Bleed'.
THAT is repeating pasts bubbling up. That is Dean's fail safe coping mechanism REDLINING under the strains. While Sam's busy dealing with hallucinations from Hell, Dean's busy dealing with hallucinations from his past. It's not a coincidence the first time we saw the show focus on Dean drinking as a coping mechanism it was when he first started getting his Hell memories back. He uses alcohol to push them back down. This time, it's memories of real life haunting him. I can't even begin to list all the illusions to the last six years they've done this season so far, it's maddening. Quotes that call back other quotes, contexts that call back to other contexts. I had a list going and it got so long, I couldn't even look at it anymore. It’s all meta within meta within meta. It’s S3 where Dean won’t be vulnerable around Sam. It’s S4 where Dean can’t trust that Sam is okay. It’s S5 in that he's tired of fighting who he really is. It's S2 where Dean thinks he has to shoulder a secret to protect Sam (except this time, I believe it's more him protecting himself).
I've always ADORED this 'Roadkill' quote, which for years I've thought beautifully summarized the Winchesters and the series as a whole in one big nutshell. At times, it has applied to Sam. Now I believe it applies to Dean.
MOLLY: It's a love letter he wrote her. My god, it's beautiful. I don't understand how a guy like this can turn into that monster.
SAM: Spirits like Greeley are,uh... Like wounded animals. Lost. In so much pain, that they lash out.
MOLLY: Why? Why are they here?
SAM: Well, there's some part of them that... That's keeping them here. Like their remains or, um... Unfinished business.
MOLLY: Unfinished business?
SAM: Yeah. It could be revenge. Could be love. Or hate. Whatever it is, they just hold on too tight. Can't let go. So they're trapped. Caught in the same loops. Replaying the same tragedies over and over.
MOLLY: You sound almost sorry for them.
SAM: Well, they weren't evil people, you know? A lot of them were good. Just... Something happened to them. Something they couldn't control.
(And somewhere on my computer is a half-done vid with this quote to Beethoven's String Quartet in C-Minor which if you know the piece, you know why it's failed to see the light of day. I can't look at it without bawling my eyeballs out over it).
So, shift to this episode, we begin with Dean's nightmares in a way that echo's Sam's Hell memories in 7.01 and 7.02:
Only instead of Hell, Dean's nightmares are of the recent past. The sequence of the images in Dean's head is 1) Cas's watery descent, 2) Sam pulling a gun on him, and 3) him gutting Amy.
I had read THIS interview posted the day before 7.03 aired and bookmarked this quote:
"This is a pretty core-level shakeup for Dean...He's not exactly sure what category to put his brother in, considering the whole wave-a-gun-in-your face thing," Sera explains of Dean's current mindset. "He so firmly had Cas in the ally category and he was so wrong. When something like that happens in your life, it causes you to doubt your instincts and you certainly have something to prove to yourself again. I think that is something that Dean is really battling with." - Sera Gamble
I was delighted to see Dean's nightmare sketch that thought out EXACTLY. Say what you will about anvils, but sometimes I NEED them to assure myself the writers are planning things out and know what the hell they're doing.
So now I feel confident to say this: Concentrating on Dean killing Amy as one event in time isn't the point. The point is that this ISN'T anything new with Dean. This is what Dean has always done, since the beginning of the show.
It's this Amy thing, on top of everything else. The past repeating itself. Nothing can change. Dean's stuck in the same endless loop forever alone. The one thing he can cling to is his crap. His guilt. Like an addict, he's held onto it for so long, he doesn't know who he is without it (He admits to Jo in 7.04: "I'm 90% crap. I get rid of that, what's left?"). But also, like an addict, it's crippling him and will be his downfall if he doesn't start to willingly confront these issues soon.
This episode was not without some progress. He does end up admitting the core of that conflict here to Sam:
Oh, Dean. You're more than that. We all know you're more than that.
Sam gives him an out to talk about Amy. But talking about Amy is only an impetus for everything else after it.
THE 'I' IN TEAM
Because let's be honest. There's a real problem going on here. Sam asks, "We're good, right?" No, Sam actually you two are not good. Because see your brother here let's YOU operate under the idea that you two are a team. That you share responsibility and blame and shoulder each other through. But it's a front. Even back in 5.11, while Sam was saying 'we'll do this together', Dean still believed everything rested on him. Every time Sam said, "we'll figure out a way, kick it in the ass together", in Dean's mind it read as "*I* have to figure something out and everything that happens as a result will be mine to deal with." He assigns blame of everything that happens to everyone under his watch, to him. That's part of his big brother role gone horribly horribly wrong. And it's only gotten worse SINCE S5. Because the solution to save the world? That ended with Sam in Hell and Dean alone. For a whole year. By himself. Sure, he had Lisa and Ben (mostly so he wouldn't put a gun to his throat). But ultimately, it all ended in more crap that *HE* had to deal with himself. Then S6 Dean had soulless!Sam who he couldn't trust, followed by Wall-Might-Break-At-Any-Time!Sam who he was consistently worried about and reinforced that big brother role 1000X.
This mentality has to be fixed. I'm still not positive how, but I'm finally convinced that they're prepared to do more with this than just keep metaing over ad nauseum on the past. To actually move forward from this rut that Dean's been stuck in for SO LONG. I can't even tell you how crazy it makes me feel to be confronted with how long and how nauseatingly cyclical Dean's issues have gone on for. I'm not kidding about that carousel.
The good thing is Sam and Dean are on the same page for the first time in a long time. But they are not the same people. So they can force each other to see things in different ways, knock down lies, and bolster each other with what is true.
In fact, the season began with two twin shots. A shot of Sam's boots walking down into the damp hall to get the jar of blood before Luci got to him. And a following shot of Dean's boots walking down the same damp hall to follow him.
They're both down the same roads. Going in the same direction. Dean's following Sam. Both an omen and a hope. Only, Sam's got to turn and see it.
By Sam's reaction at Dean's response there, saying 'We're good" in the same way Dean says "I'm fine":
I believe he finally got the memo, loud and clear.
NEW!SAM LEADS THE WAY?
And that's a good thing. Because it's this new!Sam, as Dean calls him (of course Dean's wrong about that too, it's more evolved!Sam than new!Sam) that gives us hope. Because for all intents and purposes, he's good. Dean doesn't believe it. People don't change, right? But this is Sam who finally after twenty....six/seven years of his life, finally doesn't have anything or anyone trying to control him for something. He's been evil's master plan his whole life and that chapter is done. He's fixed himself, put all his parts from Hell together again and if a little Lucifer hallicinations of left over past, that's okay. I'm sure that is not done completely. But overall, if...if, Sam IS TRULY finally good. I mean, not solid, still sees Luci and all, but if he is better than anything of the last six years? That means them talking doesn't have to result in the same way that it used to. Because that's what Dean's really afraid of right now, right? Sam's reaction? Because old little brother Sam would flip out. "How could you have not told me?! You said you trusted me!" Right?! But that's not the same Sam that is in front of you now, Dean. He has the capacity to understand if you'd just talk to him. Things don't have to repeat the past. It doesn't have to be the same conversation. It could be a new conversation. One that leads to something better. For you. Your liver. Sam. And you know, the world.
SAM: Were you listening to the Starks tonight?...you notice how they opened up? Got everything off their chest?
DEAN: Yea, kudos on selling them that crap
SAM: It wasn't crap, Dean. It worked.
DEAN: ...Sam. I am so very very very...very very very tired--
SAM: Dean, like it or not, the stuff you don't talk about doesn't just go away. It builds up.
Remember 5.11? It's like the theme for this season now.
DEAN: That's exactly what you're gonna do. You're gonna take all that crap, and you're gonna bury it. You're gonna forget about it. Because that's how we keep going. That's how we don't end up like Martin.
I'm gonna say it again, Dean. That's exactly how you end up like Martin. And Sam? He's not you. He never was. He knew that. He didn't argue with Dean there. But every action after from his reaction right there, to every episode of S5 following showed that he didn't believe that was a good course of action. And he didn't take it. Instead, he DEALT with that crap. And it worked for him.
Meanwhile, two (?) years later, Dean's trying to hold his marbles in that lead box with a cracking rubber band.
But just like Dean becomes Sam's first stone of reality when he's almost completely lost all sanity in 7.02?
So Sam can be Dean's stone of reality. Of the present. Not the past. Before all those marbles spill all over the floor. Sam has a new rubber band for you, hon, if you want it? But that requires you talking and mending fences you don't want to acknowledge are still damaged. And contrary to what you're telling yourself, talking about them doesn't have to lead to more damage.
THE ANVIL THAT WAS THE STARKS
Did you notice how DELIBERATELY and DELICIOUSLY anvilicious the Starks conversation was played?
DEAN: Obviously you two are capable of wiping each other out, right? But you haven't? Huh? Which means, you two. You still VALUE...whatever it is you still got. And you want to keep that dance going.
SAM: What he's trying to say is, you two are...bonded.
MAGGIE: Are you out of your mind?! He cheated on me. Humiliated me!
SAM: We're not trying to say what Don did was right. *however* When a relationship cracks, usually both parties have a hand in it.
And Sam would know! Listen closer.
DON: *nods* Indeed.
MAGGIE: You're DEFENDING HIM?
DEAN: No one can defend Don. Uh....totally. But *to Maggie* we get that you feel betrayed. Because you were.
DON: Don't suck up to her. *throws Dean against the pane-glass door*
What is the era of the past so horrible that even Hell felt like a cake walk to Dean in comparison? In my mind, all of Dean's worst fears make a beeline straight to Season Four. They're fears that he always had, that were manifested in reality during that season, and since then have continued to govern him, even years later. The number of illusions back to S4 since this season started are making my head spin, and truthfully, it's not a season I want to find myself dwelling on again. But let's be honest, it was never truly dealt with. Sam may have worked through the issues that lead himself to that Season Four finale, but Dean never has. So yes, the script sets it up pretty explicitly. Don=Sam. Maggie=Dean. Don and Maggie are yes, in the middle of their spats with wounds still fresh, and Sam and Dean are years past it with crappy scars that never quite healed over right, so they're not quite the same. But the anvil is there loud and clear.
Even down to the set design. Don throws Dean threw a partition and glass onto the floor just like what Sam threw Dean through in 'When The Levee Breaks'.
SAM: I gotta say, I don't think Don was lying when he said...he regrets the WHOLE Wendy thing.
MAGGIE: ...Thing? Sit down. *Sam collapses*
SAM: *groans on the floor in pain* Yea. That's right. Affair. Terrible.
MAGGIE: *turns to Don* I think the only thing he regrets is getting caught.
DON: Wendy. Was. Nothing to me. It was over as soon as it started.
MAGGIE: She was part of a pattern, okay? I've had 800 years of this.
A pattern. Like a carousel? Nothing ever changes in a pattern. It's the same thing over and over again. People don't change. Nightmares repeat and only build on each other and get worse until innocent people start dying.
MAGGIE: DO not make me bring up the Renaissance!
DON: OH! OH! You're one to talk! 1492 ring any bells?
MAGGIE: The man was about to set sail! He could POSSIBLY fall off of the edge of the earth! I took pity! So? What's you're excuse?
DON: I told you! Nothing happened with the medicy chick! You've always been INSANELY jealous.
*shot cuts to Dean trying to get up*
NO REALLY. I COULDN'T MAKE THIS UP IF I TRIED. [Sidenote, but Marsters and Charisma were absolutely FABULOUS in this, I prepared myself for a boring stunt casting and instead they pulled me into their twisted 800 year marriage AND I WANT TO KNOW MORE! Very compelling work, guys!]
When Dean stands up for Don and says it's true the assistant is just an assistant:
MAGGIE: Is that true?
DON: I swear it, babe. I would never. *cut to Sam turning to look at Dean* I made a mistake. I'm sorry, Maggie.
SAM: *grapples to get up* See?! Guys? GUYS?! *biggest smile on his face, gestures with both hands* You're TALKING! All these years, you, you've buried your ANGER and DISAPPOINTMENT until it tore you apart! All you needed to do was TALK!!
...I'M SORRY, IS THERE ANY QUESTION ANYMORE THAT THE SHOW ITSELF SHIPS IT? I MEAN, THIS WHOLE EPISODE IS SAM&DEAN=800 YEAR OLD MAGIC MARRIED DEVOTED BUT ESTRANGED COUPLE. And Sam being SO INVESTED IN THEM THAT WHEN THEY WORK IT OUT HE'S GRINNING LIKE A MORON AND PROJECTING LIKE WHOA???
Oh yea, and then they confess they could never murder each other and Don's all ALL I EVER WANTED WAS YOU, I'VE BEEN CRUSHING ON YOU SINCE FOREVER, and then they make out in front of the boys and the camera reveals Sam's HUGE PATHETIC GRIN watching them, AND I'M SORRY WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO GET OUT OF THIS EPISODE AGAIN BESIDES THAT YOU WRITERS WANTED TO REENACT A SAM/DEAN FIC???? Seriously, show, it's all your fault. [Oh and there was one part where Marsters called Charisma 'pet' and MY BRAIN SWITCHED OVER INTO SPIKE/CORDY and that old astartexx vid that always made me cry bucketfuls Spike and Cordy never shared a screen for more than two episodes. THERE WERE LEVELS OF DELICIOUSNESS!]
*cough* Hrm. Where was I? OH YES. The capacity of the show to actually change and evolve and allow Dean to go somewhere and grow out of his angst to reach some kind of a better place than he's been in the last five years. Dare I say, they're actually showing they have the balls to go there? AFTER SIX YEARS?
It feels silly to hope for that. I've hoped for it for so long, I am like Dean. It's been six long years of hoping they'd deal with it, and it being a carousel of Dean angst that never gets dealt with properly. I am TIRED of hoping for that. I've hoped for that for Dean AND Sam by proxy, for SO long. And it's all gone SO SLOW. But if I step back and look, it has been building. And what the hell, they don't seem to have anything else on the table to deal with this seasons BESIDES this, Leviathans not included because it looks like they're be mostly just running from them the whole season anyway. So it is the PERFECT TIME to do this.
SAM: ...LOOK. Dean. It's FINE. You can unload! That's kinda what I'm here for.
DEAN: I'm the one with the broken leg. You gotta carry me.
[CREDIT: gypsy_sunday
Just. SHOW? DON'T LET ME DOWN.
Hope kinda sucks like that.
GIFs all by some fabulous people that were linked all over Tumblr. Maybe one day I'll understand enough to track where relinks are from enough to credit them all right. A plea to GIF people: please waterstamp your gifs, it's the easiest way to keep track. I need to learn GIFing myself it would make cinematography posts so much easier. If anyone has a link to a good guide, I'd love to see it! Thanks gypsy_sunday!
*collapses*
Seven seasons is too much baggage, show. I have renewed sympathy for all those Buffy meta fans that tackled each episode of S7 with such deft grace and knowledge of six years before it. That much history. It's EXHAUSTING!