Panic Attacks
It hit Castiel as sudden as a slap to the face. One minute, he's fine doing his homework and ignoring Dean on the other side of the room channel-flipping and then the next, he can't breathe and every heartbeat feels forced.
Castiel placed his pencil down, breathing in a deep, shuddering breath and letting it out slowly. He stood, one hand rising to rub nervously at his chest and will the breathe back into it. He felt trapped, the walls too small and the air too thin. Anxiety clawed through him like some kind of uncontrollable monster, throwing Castiel off enough that he had to sit back down in his chair at the sudden wave of fatigue that overcame him. He felt like he needed to escape, but at the same time his body was more tired in those few moments than he had been all day.
Dean seemed to notice Castiel's awkward shift from sitting to standing, back to sitting. He put the television on mute, glancing over to his dormmate.
"You okay, Cas?" He asked warily. Castiel huffed in a gasp of air, waving Dean off.
"I'm fine. Just nerves, is all." Castiel muttered, staring up at the ceiling fan and watching it rotate, willing his sudden nervousness to go away. Dean, however, had heard the same response from Castiel one too many times, and was apparently an observant roommate. He set his remote down, standing up and going to open the windows.
Castiel turned to press his head into his arms, focusing on the sound of his own breathing and trying not to get too lightheaded from it. He jumped when Dean pressed a hand against his shoulder.
"Dude, maybe you should go on the balcony." He offered quietly, gesturing to the sliding glass door that lead to a small 5x3 balcony. Castiel sucked in another breath, wanting to just curl up in his bed and hide until the pain in his chest was gone.
Dean, however, had different plans.
"Come on, man. You need some fresh air." Dean urged, putting his hands under Castiel's armpits and bodily hefting his roommate up and out of the chair. Castiel made a beeline for the patio area, instantly flopping down in the one chair and trying to regain control over his breathing. Dean hovered in the doorway, watching Castiel and making the man even more nervous than he was before.
"You gotta stop stressing about your work, man." Dean murmured softly. "Getting panic attacks from your homework isn't normal."
Castiel ignored Dean's lecturing in favor of watching a few squirrels chase each other around the trees that littered the back of their dorm.
"Cas, ignoring it isn't gonna make it stop." Dean barked. Castiel pressed a hand to his forehead, scowling.
"I know that, Dean. I also know that medication would be the ideal substance in dealing with these." He groused. Dean seemed to be thrown off for a second, but stepped all the way out on to the balcony to watch the squirrels that had captured Castiel's attention.
"Hey man, I'm not really big on pills. I'm just saying, maybe you should try meditation or reading a book to help calm you down. Its like... you're in pain, dude. I don't wanna see you hurting when I can help."
Castiel gave a half chuckle, though it broke off into another huff for air. "Its not that simple, Dean."
Dean's face took on a lost expression and the younger man shoved his hands into his pockets. "Well, I don't know how I can help you, and I can't ignore it 'cause that's not what I do. So cut me some slack, man."
Castiel withdrew his hand from where it had been massaging his temple and lutched at his chest, huffing out another breath. "My sister used to hug me when I was younger. That usually helped." He confessed weakly, almost afraid of Dean's reaction. Heaven knew Castiel harbored the biggest among huge crushes on Dean, but Dean was far from ever discovering that bit of information.
Dean seemed to process the information for a bit before shrugging his shoulders. "Makes sense... so should I hug you more? Or just when you have these uh... attacks?"
Castiel shrugged, leaning forward to rest his forehead against his knees. "I don't know." He muttered miserably. Dean didn't move for a moment, but then knelt on the ground beside Castiel's chair.
Dean slid one arm along Castiel's back and barely had time to react before Cas's arms were around his neck and squeezing into the back of his shirt as tightly as possible. Dean jerked, but settled soon enough, running a hand up and down Castiel's spine.
"Its cool man, chill out." He soothed, "Breathe in, breathe out."
Castiel's breath stuttered for a moment before falling in synch with Dean's own steady inhale and exhale. Dean slowly pulled Castiel out of his chair while leaning back to sit with crossed legs. Castiel made a move to pull back, an apology ready on his lips, but Dean seemed to have other ideas when he pulled Castiel into his lap and shifting them so that Cas was practically being cradled.
It felt suffocating, and Cas couldn't stop his breathing from picking up into another erratic struggle for air. Dean wasn't supposed to do this, wasn't supposed to break that unspoken barrier between male friends. He was in unknown territory without a flashlight or a weapon to defend himself with.
"Stop wigging out, Cas." Dean muttered from where he'd rested his chin on Cas's head, the older student practically curled into his embrace. Dean tightened his grip on Castiel's shoulders, grounding him without even meaning to.
"You'll get your work done in time, don't worry. You're like, the smartest guy I've ever met - besides Sammy... and honestly I think you might be smarter than him, sometimes. At least, you know more languages than he does. And you're not a whiny bitch about stuff like he is." This last part, Dean muttered in a petulant tone that had Castiel huffing out a small laugh. Dean squeezed his arm in response and continued to ramble.
"I mean, he and my dad used to fight all the time, man. It was like Armageddon in the living room. Me and mom would go out to lunch or to the store just to get out. In a way, I was kinda cool with them fighting because it was like the only time I got alone with mom, you know? Well.. I guess you don't because y'know..." Dean trailed off awkwardly and Castiel knew he was trying to avoid the fact that the Angood family lacked a maternal figure entirely.
Castiel shifted, nervously bringing a hand up to place it against Dean's wrist - which still clutched to his bicep.
"Its fine, Dean." He rumbled weakly, torn between leaving the other man's embrace or staying until Dean initiated separation. Castiel took a deep, lung-widening breath that had his chest aching afterwards and exhaled slowly.
Nothing was said for another few seconds as Castiel's breathing slowed and and deepend to something more controlled - more natural.
Dean started to hum, one hand sliding to rub slow circles across Castiel's back. Castiel hoped to whatever higher power there was that neither of their brothers were to see them sitting on the patio - two grown men cuddling like infants.
Dean started to sing softly under his breath, "I'm looking out for the two of us... and I hope we'll be here when they're through with us. I'm coming home..."
Castiel pulled his head out from where it had been tucked under Dean's. "Foreigner? Really?"
Dean grinned, shrugging halfheartedly and letting his arms drop from around Castiel's body. "It seemed like a good idea at the time?"
Castiel rolled his eyes, witholding a grin and clambering out of Dean's lap, reaching for the patio door to head back inside.
"Aw, come on, Cas!" Dean whine, following him inside. "You're as cold as ice, man!"
Castiel paused, turning to look at Dean over his shoulder. "Dean.." He began in a low rumble. Dean stopped, staring at Castiel and waiting patiently for his response. (for once)
Cas turned all the way around, stepping up into Dean's personal space, his heart already starting to race. "I'm willing to sacrifice our love." He muttered softly, seriously.
Dean burst out laughing.
derrrrrp.