(no subject)
So about three weeks ago, I updated my Mixi for the first time in years (Mixi = Japanese Facebook).
A few days later, I got a text from a girl I haven't talked to in about three years. Actually, I ended up deleting her contact info in a recent purge of unused numbers. It's a measure of...something...that it took me three years to delete the info, and that I recognized the address immediately (even though it woke me up).
When I last contacted this girl, she was evasive about meeting. Probably because I had befriended her, then tried to take the relationship in a decidedly not-just-friends direction when she clearly was not comfortable with that. And had done a similarly shitty thing to her friend who introduced us.
Anyway, so we're meeting up tommorow. For Indian food. In Kobe.
I don't really want to date her or anything...just show that I'm not that asshole anymore. I mean, I'm still an asshole, just not in that way.
...
I think I realized I had hit rock bottom when I was taking the girl who bartends at the local watering hole from behind in a supply closet. You'd think it would've been the English girl in the girl's shower of the hostel in Beijing. But then again, I think she would've fucked me whether I wanted to or not. As it was, I was simply ambivalent. LIke "okay, cool, this is happening." Which is too bad, because Rich really, really wanted to get to know her better. He wanted to be with Saori too...
I remember that I've really only ever had any luck with girls that my friends are interested in. More specifically, girls that they go after and fail to get, because the girl sees me and is all like "oh hey, what's that over there."
I've never been in a relationship with a girl that I had more than a casual intrest in being in a relationship with.
I believe in love the way I believe in Olympic medals. Something incredibly difficult to obtain, that I am unlikely to ever have.
But I believe in love, and I believe it's beautiful.
It doesn't matter how much someone else loves you, all that matters is if you love them. I've never gotten anything out of a relationship than a sort of grim bemusement at the affection the girls showed me. Laughing at a child's folly. I think a sick little part of me enjoys anticipating the pain they will feel when it inevitably ends.
But that's just a small part of me, like the part of you that rubbernecks at traffic accidents. Mostly...it's hard to end it before they grow attached...they just seem so happy. It seems impolite to shatter their ambition, their happiness, while they can still enjoy it. Like goddamn puppies.
Tommorrow...I'm not hoping for a relationship, or a kiss, or any sort of validation of my manly, manly virility. It's not that I would be opposed to it if something does happen. It would be cool if I could actually feel something for this girl. I just...1). Don't want to get my hopes up 2). Don't want to confuse being on a date with being in love.
I've been listening to Ben Sooy's youtube videos a lot. I think he might be my favorite musician. His songs hit me in a way that no other music does.
...
I don't know. Talking to LiveJournal helps sometimes.
A few days later, I got a text from a girl I haven't talked to in about three years. Actually, I ended up deleting her contact info in a recent purge of unused numbers. It's a measure of...something...that it took me three years to delete the info, and that I recognized the address immediately (even though it woke me up).
When I last contacted this girl, she was evasive about meeting. Probably because I had befriended her, then tried to take the relationship in a decidedly not-just-friends direction when she clearly was not comfortable with that. And had done a similarly shitty thing to her friend who introduced us.
Anyway, so we're meeting up tommorow. For Indian food. In Kobe.
I don't really want to date her or anything...just show that I'm not that asshole anymore. I mean, I'm still an asshole, just not in that way.
...
I think I realized I had hit rock bottom when I was taking the girl who bartends at the local watering hole from behind in a supply closet. You'd think it would've been the English girl in the girl's shower of the hostel in Beijing. But then again, I think she would've fucked me whether I wanted to or not. As it was, I was simply ambivalent. LIke "okay, cool, this is happening." Which is too bad, because Rich really, really wanted to get to know her better. He wanted to be with Saori too...
I remember that I've really only ever had any luck with girls that my friends are interested in. More specifically, girls that they go after and fail to get, because the girl sees me and is all like "oh hey, what's that over there."
I've never been in a relationship with a girl that I had more than a casual intrest in being in a relationship with.
I believe in love the way I believe in Olympic medals. Something incredibly difficult to obtain, that I am unlikely to ever have.
But I believe in love, and I believe it's beautiful.
It doesn't matter how much someone else loves you, all that matters is if you love them. I've never gotten anything out of a relationship than a sort of grim bemusement at the affection the girls showed me. Laughing at a child's folly. I think a sick little part of me enjoys anticipating the pain they will feel when it inevitably ends.
But that's just a small part of me, like the part of you that rubbernecks at traffic accidents. Mostly...it's hard to end it before they grow attached...they just seem so happy. It seems impolite to shatter their ambition, their happiness, while they can still enjoy it. Like goddamn puppies.
Tommorrow...I'm not hoping for a relationship, or a kiss, or any sort of validation of my manly, manly virility. It's not that I would be opposed to it if something does happen. It would be cool if I could actually feel something for this girl. I just...1). Don't want to get my hopes up 2). Don't want to confuse being on a date with being in love.
I've been listening to Ben Sooy's youtube videos a lot. I think he might be my favorite musician. His songs hit me in a way that no other music does.
...
I don't know. Talking to LiveJournal helps sometimes.