(no subject)
It's been a while since I've posted a personal "life" entry. But certainly not because of any lack of self-obsession, no sir.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DarknessInducedAudienceApathy
Part of the reason I feel I should write a "life" entry is because I'm going through some shit right now. But it's self-inflicted shit, and I've been here before, and I've got more or less an idea of how it's going to end. And I've spent so much time writing and thinking about these dark times, you could probably cobble together a 100% accurate description of my life right now from old journal entries.
The big thing, I guess, is the feeling (or rather, conviction) that love is at best an illusion and at worst deliberate self-deception. I feel that I will never be in a relationship with a person that I actually care about, let alone relate to.
I have a friend who's been getting into The Game recently. If you don't know what that is, then you're probably better off not knowing. A short summary is, it's a system for trying to get women into bed. He claims to want to use it to 1). meet people, male and female, and have a good time and 2). increase his chances of actually meeting a girl he gives a fuck about. I have no reason to doubt his motivations, he's probably the most honest person I know.
And yet the fact remains that he's still using a system based on deliberate untruth (aka, lying); a system designed with the express purpose of getting women in bed with no concern for...anything else. The basic ethical defense of this system is basically, "why the hell not?" Also, "everyone else is having sex, why shouldn't we?" Also, "maybe teaching desperate loners how to meet women will keep them from becoming serial rapists."
I know this is jumping around a bit, but I think the thing that bothers me the most about this whole situation is that my friend already has no problems meeting women. Hell, I met women just from being in his general vicinity. And yet, it's not enough. He's never met a woman that he actually wanted enough to settle down with. There was always some flaw or lack or irreconcilable difference.
This isn't a "shit on anonymous friend" entry though. I wonder sometimes if it's even possible for a rational person to settle down in this modern world. Rationally, we have, at this moment, more ability to see the world and experience its wonders and [insert poetic imagery] than practically anyone has had in the history of mankind. And yet there are still some people who never leave their own countries, let alone their own continent. Also, that's not even getting into the whole question of career goals or educational goals or creative goals or all that lot.
But if I settle down, I throw that away.
But if I travel/learn/create, I throw away any chance for a long term relationship.
But I don't even know if the type of love I want exists.
But when it comes down to it, I doubt that there's anything I want more.
The only thing I've ever seen that even resembles something that I could call love in humans is a totally one-sided love. A stalker-love. It seems (it seems, it seems) that when love is reciprocated, it becomes stale. But that one-sided, selfish stalking love is also paradoxically pure love because the person that has that love has no reward other than the experience of being in love. There is no reciprocation, there is no physical satisfaction, there is really even no emotional satisfaction other than that which comes from being in love for loves sake (lovey lovey love).
This love is also selfish, destructive, irrational, and repulsive to the person who is the object. It is perfectly selfish in that it cares not one bit if the object of affection actually want that love (or even if they have explicitly stated that they don't). So I can't recommend it. And yet, I want to feel it again, because even in all its man defiance of reality, it still seemed more real than every other human love I've experienced.
Everything I see right now is, "I'll love you if you love me" or "I will care about you to the extent that you care about me" and other such Marriages Of Convenience.
Or maybe all that talk is just Darkness Induced Apathy. Maybe things just suck for me right now, so I read suckage into everyone else's relationship. "My relationships suck, ergo, relationships suck, ergo, their relationship must suck, ergo, all relationships suck." Or something.
Anyway, words words boring words.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DarknessInducedAudienceApathy
Part of the reason I feel I should write a "life" entry is because I'm going through some shit right now. But it's self-inflicted shit, and I've been here before, and I've got more or less an idea of how it's going to end. And I've spent so much time writing and thinking about these dark times, you could probably cobble together a 100% accurate description of my life right now from old journal entries.
The big thing, I guess, is the feeling (or rather, conviction) that love is at best an illusion and at worst deliberate self-deception. I feel that I will never be in a relationship with a person that I actually care about, let alone relate to.
I have a friend who's been getting into The Game recently. If you don't know what that is, then you're probably better off not knowing. A short summary is, it's a system for trying to get women into bed. He claims to want to use it to 1). meet people, male and female, and have a good time and 2). increase his chances of actually meeting a girl he gives a fuck about. I have no reason to doubt his motivations, he's probably the most honest person I know.
And yet the fact remains that he's still using a system based on deliberate untruth (aka, lying); a system designed with the express purpose of getting women in bed with no concern for...anything else. The basic ethical defense of this system is basically, "why the hell not?" Also, "everyone else is having sex, why shouldn't we?" Also, "maybe teaching desperate loners how to meet women will keep them from becoming serial rapists."
I know this is jumping around a bit, but I think the thing that bothers me the most about this whole situation is that my friend already has no problems meeting women. Hell, I met women just from being in his general vicinity. And yet, it's not enough. He's never met a woman that he actually wanted enough to settle down with. There was always some flaw or lack or irreconcilable difference.
This isn't a "shit on anonymous friend" entry though. I wonder sometimes if it's even possible for a rational person to settle down in this modern world. Rationally, we have, at this moment, more ability to see the world and experience its wonders and [insert poetic imagery] than practically anyone has had in the history of mankind. And yet there are still some people who never leave their own countries, let alone their own continent. Also, that's not even getting into the whole question of career goals or educational goals or creative goals or all that lot.
But if I settle down, I throw that away.
But if I travel/learn/create, I throw away any chance for a long term relationship.
But I don't even know if the type of love I want exists.
But when it comes down to it, I doubt that there's anything I want more.
The only thing I've ever seen that even resembles something that I could call love in humans is a totally one-sided love. A stalker-love. It seems (it seems, it seems) that when love is reciprocated, it becomes stale. But that one-sided, selfish stalking love is also paradoxically pure love because the person that has that love has no reward other than the experience of being in love. There is no reciprocation, there is no physical satisfaction, there is really even no emotional satisfaction other than that which comes from being in love for loves sake (lovey lovey love).
This love is also selfish, destructive, irrational, and repulsive to the person who is the object. It is perfectly selfish in that it cares not one bit if the object of affection actually want that love (or even if they have explicitly stated that they don't). So I can't recommend it. And yet, I want to feel it again, because even in all its man defiance of reality, it still seemed more real than every other human love I've experienced.
Everything I see right now is, "I'll love you if you love me" or "I will care about you to the extent that you care about me" and other such Marriages Of Convenience.
Or maybe all that talk is just Darkness Induced Apathy. Maybe things just suck for me right now, so I read suckage into everyone else's relationship. "My relationships suck, ergo, relationships suck, ergo, their relationship must suck, ergo, all relationships suck." Or something.
Anyway, words words boring words.