(no subject)
I’ve decided to make my journal friends only for the most part. I’ve erased everyone off of my friends list and after reading this I leave to the decision if you really want to read what I write, what I think, and how I feel.
I’ve being thinking about where I “belong” lately. I’ve come to the conclusion that there really isn’t a place where I do. Or at least not fully. Everywhere I look there is some kind of exception or thing that is missing. No complete puzzle. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends. But, I just never truly feel like I belong. To analyze (yes, I overanalyze everything) I’ve broken up my social life into groups.
Jocks: I am part of the rowing team. Today was our first day of practice. Freshman year I had so many friends on the team that it never mattered how much I sucked or how badly I performed. I had people who cared about me as an individual and I had fun. Last year I gained a lot of underclassmen friends. I semi made enemies somehow with a lot of the upperclassmen and well, the coaches don’t think much of me. Let’s just leave it at that. During today’s practice I struggled a lot with conditioning. I was so happy to have Katie and Clare next to me to keep me motivated. Seriously, without continuous motivation I slack off and let my weaknesses show. There are many moments that I wonder why I am on the team to begin with.
Popular: I am nothing near prep, I would say. There are a few selective people “in this group” who I talk to but…when it comes down to it, we aren’t friends.
Druggies: well, im obviously not a druggie because of the fact that ive only “technically” done drugs once, and that was kinda by accident. Haha, well…yeah. I don’t join in in that.
Outcasts/ “freaks” (as Rhi calls it): well, there are amazingly some people I would say are in this group that truly do scare me. Not many, but there are some. Some I don’t know what it is, but they just make me feel uncomfortable.
Artsy: coming into high school I felt so confident with my gift and I knew nothing would stand in my way of rocking. Meredith put a lot of that confidence into my head, and I miss her so much. Even when we started to drift apart, I knew she would always be my “safety blanket” and I had nothing to fear. Now that she has gone off to another school I feel kind of lost with the arts. The only outlet I have is singing and well, I never am confident about it anymore. Everyone is so confident and cocky about their gifts or well... their “gifts” and it makes me feel so out of it. I want Meredith back; I want that comfort that I probably will never have back.
The “smarties”: I have many acquaintances that seem to always make me feel really stupid. I try very hard in school and well, it doesn’t always show. I know a lot of people who don’t try at all and just get straight A’s. It upsets me. I get really sick of feeling stupid. It gets dull very quickly.
“Depressed”/gothic…whatever you want to call it: yes, I am depressed. Woopdey freakin doo. It’s not something I am going to use to label myself. There are so many people that do and it pisses me off so much. I try my best to get the help I need, it may not work...but I try. This topic just pisses me off so much. Either way, I don’t fit in there either.
There are so many people who I feel I am friends with but then they end up not being the people I think they are. I can’t truly say anything about this because I am not always who I seem to be. I am a dishonest person, who really doesn’t know who they are. I am a pathological liar who doesn’t know how to quit. I am a very honest person in some ways though. If I feel a certain way, gosh darn… you will know it! I hate regret (even though I have it all the time) and I never want to regret not saying something I feel, especially if I feel strongly. I tell everything to my mother and my little brother. They are about the only few people who know almost everything about me and my life. They may not know the exact details, but they know me the most. I am not the person who most people think I am. I am inside a completely different person, who I try to show, but kind of just get pushed away. That makes it very hard for me to fit in, in most situations. I am not confident in who I am because I am so afraid of rejection. I am not a smart person, I pretend to be, but I just somehow seem to slide on by. I do things like this and over analyze and make things seem bigger than they are. I cannot be satisfied. I always have to find a way to screw things up. As my mom would say, I have a place in my brain which works to make sure I fail, because deep down inside I am afraid to succeed. Not sure how it works, but I know it is there.
Not sure what else to add to this right now. There will be edits, don’t you worry. I need to sleep and think over it. Comment if you want to be added. Really think about this though.
I’ve being thinking about where I “belong” lately. I’ve come to the conclusion that there really isn’t a place where I do. Or at least not fully. Everywhere I look there is some kind of exception or thing that is missing. No complete puzzle. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends. But, I just never truly feel like I belong. To analyze (yes, I overanalyze everything) I’ve broken up my social life into groups.
Jocks: I am part of the rowing team. Today was our first day of practice. Freshman year I had so many friends on the team that it never mattered how much I sucked or how badly I performed. I had people who cared about me as an individual and I had fun. Last year I gained a lot of underclassmen friends. I semi made enemies somehow with a lot of the upperclassmen and well, the coaches don’t think much of me. Let’s just leave it at that. During today’s practice I struggled a lot with conditioning. I was so happy to have Katie and Clare next to me to keep me motivated. Seriously, without continuous motivation I slack off and let my weaknesses show. There are many moments that I wonder why I am on the team to begin with.
Popular: I am nothing near prep, I would say. There are a few selective people “in this group” who I talk to but…when it comes down to it, we aren’t friends.
Druggies: well, im obviously not a druggie because of the fact that ive only “technically” done drugs once, and that was kinda by accident. Haha, well…yeah. I don’t join in in that.
Outcasts/ “freaks” (as Rhi calls it): well, there are amazingly some people I would say are in this group that truly do scare me. Not many, but there are some. Some I don’t know what it is, but they just make me feel uncomfortable.
Artsy: coming into high school I felt so confident with my gift and I knew nothing would stand in my way of rocking. Meredith put a lot of that confidence into my head, and I miss her so much. Even when we started to drift apart, I knew she would always be my “safety blanket” and I had nothing to fear. Now that she has gone off to another school I feel kind of lost with the arts. The only outlet I have is singing and well, I never am confident about it anymore. Everyone is so confident and cocky about their gifts or well... their “gifts” and it makes me feel so out of it. I want Meredith back; I want that comfort that I probably will never have back.
The “smarties”: I have many acquaintances that seem to always make me feel really stupid. I try very hard in school and well, it doesn’t always show. I know a lot of people who don’t try at all and just get straight A’s. It upsets me. I get really sick of feeling stupid. It gets dull very quickly.
“Depressed”/gothic…whatever you want to call it: yes, I am depressed. Woopdey freakin doo. It’s not something I am going to use to label myself. There are so many people that do and it pisses me off so much. I try my best to get the help I need, it may not work...but I try. This topic just pisses me off so much. Either way, I don’t fit in there either.
There are so many people who I feel I am friends with but then they end up not being the people I think they are. I can’t truly say anything about this because I am not always who I seem to be. I am a dishonest person, who really doesn’t know who they are. I am a pathological liar who doesn’t know how to quit. I am a very honest person in some ways though. If I feel a certain way, gosh darn… you will know it! I hate regret (even though I have it all the time) and I never want to regret not saying something I feel, especially if I feel strongly. I tell everything to my mother and my little brother. They are about the only few people who know almost everything about me and my life. They may not know the exact details, but they know me the most. I am not the person who most people think I am. I am inside a completely different person, who I try to show, but kind of just get pushed away. That makes it very hard for me to fit in, in most situations. I am not confident in who I am because I am so afraid of rejection. I am not a smart person, I pretend to be, but I just somehow seem to slide on by. I do things like this and over analyze and make things seem bigger than they are. I cannot be satisfied. I always have to find a way to screw things up. As my mom would say, I have a place in my brain which works to make sure I fail, because deep down inside I am afraid to succeed. Not sure how it works, but I know it is there.
Not sure what else to add to this right now. There will be edits, don’t you worry. I need to sleep and think over it. Comment if you want to be added. Really think about this though.