(no subject)
I've spent so much time worrying about money and my future. I have lived recklessly for a long time, making a lot of rash decisions based on my gut. I have learned to trust my sixth sense - the one that keeps me in tune with people, nature, and the world in a way that not a lot of others do. I have a hard time shying away from the word "psychic," but I can almost read the thoughts of others, and anticipate a lot of things others cannot. Being someone with a religious background and a belief in God, I label this gift as "discernment" - the Christian form of the secular idea of being psychic.
Everything I do has seemed so sudden, though. I react suddenly, I speak suddenly, I act suddenly, I decide suddenly. It seems like I am incapable of patience, or mulling over a decision - I just feel something out immediately, then wait for the internal green or red light, then go or stop depending on the outcome.
It was recently, working an indefinite contract job at IBM, that I started to doubt myself in a big way. I had already gone through the spiritual self-doubt phase, and this was something different. This was about my success in life, living beyond scraping by, or watching others acquire the things I wanted for myself. I was in my basement office, scouring the internet as a way to pass idle time due to a lack of work, thinking about how I was making a crummy $13 an hour, 35 hours a week, and never having a hope of a raise or promotion as long as I stayed put. When you can see the depth, width, and height of your hole, it at least gives you a clear understanding of what it takes to get out of it. There was an endless supply of possibilities of how I could escape my gray-walled prison, but I didn't know which route would get me out in the end.
For me, this was a good thing to go through. I didn't have much in the way of spending money, so I developed a good habit of not wasting it and becoming someone who tried to save and not spend so easily. Despite my meager paychecks, I got to the point that I was not living paycheck to paycheck anymore, and this is exactly when the new job at Apple happened for me. I feel like this was life's test and I finally passed.
On a deeper level, however, this is what enabled me to believe in myself much stronger than ever before. I spent many hours at IBM thinking I had missed my chance to be a long-term planner. I started thinking that the time to start investing in my future had passed me by, and that I would work until the day I died. I started to lose faith in my ability to feel the world around me and have confidence in quick, rash decisions. I began to think that the person I had allowed myself to be, the roots upon which I chose to grow where now crumbling, and that I had chosen the wrong path in life. I wasn't supposed to be so carefree and quick to decide. I should have been more professional at that one job and stuck with it instead of running off to another city to chase a dream, a dream I so fervently believed that I changed my entire life in the course of a day. Maybe I should have said the other words to Brittany, married her, given her a better life than the one she chose after I ended it with her. Maybe I would have my house, my wife, my 2.5 kids, and his and her Mini Coopers. But, here I was, invisible contractor, hidden in the basement, with nothing but the internet and a woman on the edge of divorce keeping me company.
I didn't, and couldn't, feel sorry for myself - I'm simply incapable of playing the role of a victim and know my lot in life and everything I have or don't have is the result of every decision I have ever made, every reaction I chose to go with. Instead, I thought that maybe how I had lived for 28 years was wrong, and it was time to become a different person and start out a little later than others in life.
And then, the new job came, and one night as I was doing my work I realized that I was exactly where I wanted to be; not just where I was supposed to be, but where I wanted to be. This had never really happened before in my life, and I reveled in this new feeling. It was like a total re-birth, and my spirits were lifted in a way that is completely untouchable.
It's weird how I'm in a company now that seems tailor-made for people like me. I feel coddled a lot at work in many ways, but I know it's because a man who esteemed creativity without bounds wanted to give people some breathing room and not be stifled or stressed by things so many people worry about.
Most importantly, I have found my footing once again, but on much steadier ground. I'm ok now with making gut decisions, or moving ahead in the moment. Because, yeah, every decision has been a good one, because here I am.
Right where I want to be.
Everything I do has seemed so sudden, though. I react suddenly, I speak suddenly, I act suddenly, I decide suddenly. It seems like I am incapable of patience, or mulling over a decision - I just feel something out immediately, then wait for the internal green or red light, then go or stop depending on the outcome.
It was recently, working an indefinite contract job at IBM, that I started to doubt myself in a big way. I had already gone through the spiritual self-doubt phase, and this was something different. This was about my success in life, living beyond scraping by, or watching others acquire the things I wanted for myself. I was in my basement office, scouring the internet as a way to pass idle time due to a lack of work, thinking about how I was making a crummy $13 an hour, 35 hours a week, and never having a hope of a raise or promotion as long as I stayed put. When you can see the depth, width, and height of your hole, it at least gives you a clear understanding of what it takes to get out of it. There was an endless supply of possibilities of how I could escape my gray-walled prison, but I didn't know which route would get me out in the end.
For me, this was a good thing to go through. I didn't have much in the way of spending money, so I developed a good habit of not wasting it and becoming someone who tried to save and not spend so easily. Despite my meager paychecks, I got to the point that I was not living paycheck to paycheck anymore, and this is exactly when the new job at Apple happened for me. I feel like this was life's test and I finally passed.
On a deeper level, however, this is what enabled me to believe in myself much stronger than ever before. I spent many hours at IBM thinking I had missed my chance to be a long-term planner. I started thinking that the time to start investing in my future had passed me by, and that I would work until the day I died. I started to lose faith in my ability to feel the world around me and have confidence in quick, rash decisions. I began to think that the person I had allowed myself to be, the roots upon which I chose to grow where now crumbling, and that I had chosen the wrong path in life. I wasn't supposed to be so carefree and quick to decide. I should have been more professional at that one job and stuck with it instead of running off to another city to chase a dream, a dream I so fervently believed that I changed my entire life in the course of a day. Maybe I should have said the other words to Brittany, married her, given her a better life than the one she chose after I ended it with her. Maybe I would have my house, my wife, my 2.5 kids, and his and her Mini Coopers. But, here I was, invisible contractor, hidden in the basement, with nothing but the internet and a woman on the edge of divorce keeping me company.
I didn't, and couldn't, feel sorry for myself - I'm simply incapable of playing the role of a victim and know my lot in life and everything I have or don't have is the result of every decision I have ever made, every reaction I chose to go with. Instead, I thought that maybe how I had lived for 28 years was wrong, and it was time to become a different person and start out a little later than others in life.
And then, the new job came, and one night as I was doing my work I realized that I was exactly where I wanted to be; not just where I was supposed to be, but where I wanted to be. This had never really happened before in my life, and I reveled in this new feeling. It was like a total re-birth, and my spirits were lifted in a way that is completely untouchable.
It's weird how I'm in a company now that seems tailor-made for people like me. I feel coddled a lot at work in many ways, but I know it's because a man who esteemed creativity without bounds wanted to give people some breathing room and not be stifled or stressed by things so many people worry about.
Most importantly, I have found my footing once again, but on much steadier ground. I'm ok now with making gut decisions, or moving ahead in the moment. Because, yeah, every decision has been a good one, because here I am.
Right where I want to be.