The Light On the Door To Show That You're Home
Title: The Light On the Door To Show That You’re Home
Fandom: Adam Lambert
Pairing: Adam/Sauli
Author: i_amthecosmos
Rating: PG
Word Count: 755
Prompt: From ragingrainbow, a song based on the Velvet Underground’s “I’ll Be Your Mirror”.
Disclaimer: None of this is true, and I make no profit from it. Please do not Tweet this fanfiction to the people portrayed in it. Thank you.
“Adam.” Sauli was at the door of Adam’s office, but he didn’t turn around. He stayed where he was, looking at a pap photo of himself where his nose looked too big and he could see the zits. “Adam. Come back to bed. Why are you up?”
“I couldn’t sleep.” Adam still doesn’t look over, he didn’t have the right. He woke up after they’d fallen asleep in each other’s arms, and he had to get away. He didn’t feel like he deserved it, like he didn’t deserve Sauli’s love.
Ugly. He was still ugly and he couldn’t understand why people called him beautiful. He looked at another picture and imagined how much airbrushing had probably gone into it. “I just…go to bed Sauli. I’ll be back soon. I’m fine.”
Adam felt the hand on his shoulder and tried not to pull away. “You are not fine.” Adam didn’t argue, and Sauli didn’t let go. “Siippa, you do this. You look at yourself and you...hate. Hate what you see. And you leave me alone.” Sauli paused, and Adam wondered when Sauli would just give up and leave him there in front of his computer. See, he couldn’t even be grateful for the love Sauli had for him. Then there was a hand on his chin, and Adam turned as Sauli said “Look at me”.
Adam didn’t want to look up, but he couldn’t say no. He looked and he saw love, only love and not disgust or annoyance. In fact, Sauli’s eyes shone as he stared at Adam. Adam thought about how he must look-wearing his old t-shirt and a pair of shorts that he had pulled from the laundry-and wanted to cover up under that gaze.
“No.” Sauli pulled down the hand that Adam had put over his belly. “Stop. You are beautiful. You are…can’t you see it? See it through me. If you can’t.” Sauli bit his lip the way he did when he thought his words weren’t clear, and Adam touched his hip.
“I’m sorry,” he said, and Sauli shook his head. “I…I don’t know how to stop. Onstage I can feel beautiful, but sometimes I just can’t. And…I don’t know why I leave.” Sauli put a hand over Adam’s, and they stayed that way for a while.
“I see you,” Sauli started. “You are sweet and kind and you want everyone to be happy. You want happiness. You want…love. People to love each other. But you are scared of love to yourself. Sometimes you do, but not all times.” Sauli sighed. “But I love you. I love you and…I see you.”
Adam wanted to argue and say he wasn’t what Sauli believed he was. He wanted to list everything he’d done wrong in his relationships to make them fail. He wanted Sauli to understand what exactly it was he’d gotten himself into.
But he looked up at his lover and remembered that Sauli had been with him over a year. He understood, he must have, or he wouldn’t be here now. Sauli took his hand and moved it to the back of Adam’s neck. He leaned in, head resting on Sauli’s stomach, as Sauli stroked the delicate skin. “You are beautiful,” he said. “Come back to bed. And…if you see yourself bad, look through me.”
“Look through your eyes? See what you see?” Adam asked, and Sauli paused and nodded. “I’ll try.” Adam didn’t know how to explain that with everyone watching him all the time and reporting his every move, he sometimes saw only what the press saw, and not even what he knew about himself. Sauli pulled back then and Adam closed his laptop and followed him.
Sauli pulled his clothes off him and they curled up together like before, Sauli’s arms around him. Sauli didn’t say anything more, but Adam could feel his love through the hands stroking his body, touching every part of him. He laid back, enjoying the touch, and felt Sauli’s lips on the back of his neck, Sauli whispering to him how beautiful he thought Adam was.
Adam turned around then, and held Sauli in his arms, and it felt like home.
Fandom: Adam Lambert
Pairing: Adam/Sauli
Author: i_amthecosmos
Rating: PG
Word Count: 755
Prompt: From ragingrainbow, a song based on the Velvet Underground’s “I’ll Be Your Mirror”.
Disclaimer: None of this is true, and I make no profit from it. Please do not Tweet this fanfiction to the people portrayed in it. Thank you.
“Adam.” Sauli was at the door of Adam’s office, but he didn’t turn around. He stayed where he was, looking at a pap photo of himself where his nose looked too big and he could see the zits. “Adam. Come back to bed. Why are you up?”
“I couldn’t sleep.” Adam still doesn’t look over, he didn’t have the right. He woke up after they’d fallen asleep in each other’s arms, and he had to get away. He didn’t feel like he deserved it, like he didn’t deserve Sauli’s love.
Ugly. He was still ugly and he couldn’t understand why people called him beautiful. He looked at another picture and imagined how much airbrushing had probably gone into it. “I just…go to bed Sauli. I’ll be back soon. I’m fine.”
Adam felt the hand on his shoulder and tried not to pull away. “You are not fine.” Adam didn’t argue, and Sauli didn’t let go. “Siippa, you do this. You look at yourself and you...hate. Hate what you see. And you leave me alone.” Sauli paused, and Adam wondered when Sauli would just give up and leave him there in front of his computer. See, he couldn’t even be grateful for the love Sauli had for him. Then there was a hand on his chin, and Adam turned as Sauli said “Look at me”.
Adam didn’t want to look up, but he couldn’t say no. He looked and he saw love, only love and not disgust or annoyance. In fact, Sauli’s eyes shone as he stared at Adam. Adam thought about how he must look-wearing his old t-shirt and a pair of shorts that he had pulled from the laundry-and wanted to cover up under that gaze.
“No.” Sauli pulled down the hand that Adam had put over his belly. “Stop. You are beautiful. You are…can’t you see it? See it through me. If you can’t.” Sauli bit his lip the way he did when he thought his words weren’t clear, and Adam touched his hip.
“I’m sorry,” he said, and Sauli shook his head. “I…I don’t know how to stop. Onstage I can feel beautiful, but sometimes I just can’t. And…I don’t know why I leave.” Sauli put a hand over Adam’s, and they stayed that way for a while.
“I see you,” Sauli started. “You are sweet and kind and you want everyone to be happy. You want happiness. You want…love. People to love each other. But you are scared of love to yourself. Sometimes you do, but not all times.” Sauli sighed. “But I love you. I love you and…I see you.”
Adam wanted to argue and say he wasn’t what Sauli believed he was. He wanted to list everything he’d done wrong in his relationships to make them fail. He wanted Sauli to understand what exactly it was he’d gotten himself into.
But he looked up at his lover and remembered that Sauli had been with him over a year. He understood, he must have, or he wouldn’t be here now. Sauli took his hand and moved it to the back of Adam’s neck. He leaned in, head resting on Sauli’s stomach, as Sauli stroked the delicate skin. “You are beautiful,” he said. “Come back to bed. And…if you see yourself bad, look through me.”
“Look through your eyes? See what you see?” Adam asked, and Sauli paused and nodded. “I’ll try.” Adam didn’t know how to explain that with everyone watching him all the time and reporting his every move, he sometimes saw only what the press saw, and not even what he knew about himself. Sauli pulled back then and Adam closed his laptop and followed him.
Sauli pulled his clothes off him and they curled up together like before, Sauli’s arms around him. Sauli didn’t say anything more, but Adam could feel his love through the hands stroking his body, touching every part of him. He laid back, enjoying the touch, and felt Sauli’s lips on the back of his neck, Sauli whispering to him how beautiful he thought Adam was.
Adam turned around then, and held Sauli in his arms, and it felt like home.