We Dance To the Sound of Sirens, Chapter Thirty-Seven
Title: We Dance To the Sound of Sirens, Chapter Thirty-Seven
Fandom: Adam Lambert
Pairing: Adam/Tommy
Author: i_amthecosmos
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 5,714
Summary: Adam and Tommy take care of each other, but Tommy still doesn’t know how to take care of himself.
Warnings: Talk of eating disorders and past alcohol use, slight trauma from past events.
Disclaimer: None of this is true, and I make no profit from it. Please do not Tweet this to anyone whose likeness I have used. Thank you.
Notes: I’m trying to get these done faster, because taking over two years for one WIP seems very weird.
Thanks to everyone, again. I love all of you.
When Adam and Tommy joined everyone else in the dining room, Tommy looked at the dinner. He could tell that Leila had wanted to fix a big special meal, but she had remembered and restrained herself. There was broiled chicken, some broccoli, and a big salad. He looked over at Adam, who smiled and shrugged. Tommy thought about Adam puking and wondered if he could eat at all. Then he remembered that he was staring. “Hey, thanks for inviting me,” he said, and smiled at Leila. “It looks really good.”
“Thanks kid,” she said, trying not to look nervous, but the tension around her eyes gave it away. Tommy thought that mealtime had to be absolute hell for the Lamberts now. Even Neil looked a little tense, and Paul had a polite, worried look that Tommy rarely saw.
Tommy and Adam sat down-there were two chairs next to each other left open-and there was a pause. Neil broke the silence. “Are you guys okay, or what? Dad wouldn’t say anything.” Leila glared at him, but Neil didn’t seem to care. “I mean, come on. Tell me you’re at least talking.”
“We’re talking,” Tommy said, and he smiled at him. “I had no idea that we meant so much to you,” he grinned at Neil sputtered and everyone else laughed. “Hey, can someone pass the chicken please?”
That broke the ice, and the rest of the meal was fun. Nobody commented on Adam. He was mostly drinking Sprite, and he ate about three bites of chicken. But he seemed relaxed, talking to Paul and not treating the table like a mortal enemy. When he was ready to get up, Tommy followed him. He left his plate, but again Eber and Leila didn’t say a word.
When they got to Adam’s room Tommy said “They don’t know you were sick, do they?” Adam shook his head and Tommy hugged him. “I can get you some soup or something if you want it.” He didn’t think anyone would mind-he was sure that Leila just wanted him to eat.
Adam shook his head. “Not right now. So, um, you don’t have to stay up here with me. If you want to finish eating, go ahead.” Tommy shook his head and put a hand on the back of Adam’s neck, pulling him down for a kiss. They stood like that for a while, kissing until Tommy’s neck began to hurt from tipping his head up. Then they lay down on Adam’s bed, Tommy’s head on his chest. “Do you want to talk some more?” Tommy shook his head and Adam stroked his hair until Tommy drifted off in his arms.
When the knock on the door came, Tommy blinked awake. He fully expected Eber to poke his head in again. Instead it was Leila, standing in the doorway. “Hi,” she said, looking between the two of them. Tommy looked up and he saw that he was still half-lying on Adam. Adam must have slept too-he was scrubbing his eyes and looking groggy. “I just came up to see if you were ready to go to bed. I guess you are.”
“Yeah,” Tommy said, smiling a little. “Let me help.” Tommy got up, legs weak, and stumbled a little on his way. “I’m still really tired,” he said to Leila. Tommy didn’t looked back at Adam, but he heard him shift and knew that he was probably sitting on his bed.
“You guys were up here for about an hour and a half. I thought I would have to tie Eber down to keep him from checking on your two.” Leila’s smile was more genuine now that the meal was over, and Tommy helped her carry the sheets downstairs. Eber wasn’t around, he had probably already gone downstairs for the night. Tommy got his overnight bag and went back up to put his worn out sweats and torn Sex Pistols t-shirt on to sleep in. He met Adam in the hall and they kissed before coming downstairs.
Leila met them coming up, and said “Okay, the two of your can put the sheets on. It’s late and I’m tired. Goodnight boys.” She hugged both of them, and Tommy was struck by how sweet it was, getting a hug from a mom. He wasn’t used to it, but if felt nice. Then he remembered how he looked for his mom at the review and had to say goodnight to Leila quickly before it showed on his face. Adam took his hand and squeezed it, even though Tommy was sure he didn’t know what was bothering him. They kept going downstairs, and Adam went into the kitchen and got his plate out.
Adam nibbled at his dinner while Tommy sipped some Sprite and leaned against him, still tired. Adam finally said “I’m glad you came. I’m glad you didn’t freak out. I was afraid I’d ruined everything and you wouldn’t want to be alone with me anymore.” Tommy shook his head, because he’d never stop wanting that, he didn’t think. “I know, it’s stupid,” Adam said, eating another piece of chicken. “I think that’s all, I want to go to bed soon.”
“Okay,” Tommy said. “And it’s not stupid, it’s been bad for us.” He hugged Adam around the waist, and Adam didn’t stiffen up at having his stomach touched. Tommy noticed it felt different, a little smaller, but he said nothing. That’s the last thing you should do now, he thought. It’s like you and drinking. I hope nobody else compliments him, or even mentions it.
Right then, like a fucking mind reader, Adam said “I’ve been going to OA. I don’t think I believe everything they say-I don’t want to weigh and measure my food. But I like it. I guess it’s like you and AA. You don’t believe it all, but you’ll go.” Tommy kissed his neck. “I like it-I go to one that’s nearly all women and one other gay guy. He’s nice to me. I’m not scared of him.”
“I’m glad you’re going,” Tommy said, and didn’t pressure him about it. He was really glad if it helped. He never thought that counselor helped Adam at all. Adam turned then and kissed Tommy for a long minute and then stood up. Let him go, saying goodnight and then cleaning up the dishes. When he finally laid down on the fold-out, he went to sleep almost immediately.
He only woke up once in the night. In his dreams he saw Cassie in the bathroom, her green hair and black lipstick right above his face. It was just a blink of an image, and then Tommy was awake, staring into the darkness. It’s okay, he thought. You haven’t dreamed that in a long time. He thought about going upstairs, but he knew that Adam had to promise a lot to get him here tonight, so he stayed where he was. It didn’t matter, because Adam was upstairs. He thought about him being in the same house and went back to sleep. This time, he didn’t dream.
“Hey.” Tommy was still asleep, but there was a voice and the smell of coffee in front of him. It was nice. “Come on, wake up or I’ll drink yours too.” Tommy opened one eye and saw Adam’s smiling face holding a coffee cup in front of him. Wow, now that’s fucking perfect, Tommy thought as he struggled to sit up. “There you go-I put milk in it, was that right?”
“Yeah it was.” Tommy smiled right before taking a big gulp, burning his throat. “Thanks, you going to your lessons, right?” Adam was wearing sweats and had a sweater over. There was a little bit of fall chill, and Adam wasn’t like Tommy. Tommy was still without a jacket, no replacement yet for the old one.“How late are you going to be?”
“I’ll be gone most of the day,” Adam said, sitting carefully on the pull out as Tommy moved around until he was sitting as well. “I’ve got an OA meeting today. So…maybe I’ll call you later.” Tommy nodded, running his hand through his unwashed hair. He felt sloppy, like he did before he got domesticated by Lisa’s family and started showering every day. But Adam had seen him look worse and never minded, so he didn’t either.
“I’m going to my Oma’s, I think she’s going to cook for me.” Tommy didn’t worry too much about Adam’s reaction to that, he knew that food meant love as far as she was concerned. “I think she’s gonna go overboard and I bet I’ll help her too. Oooh, maybe we can make torte.”
“You are such a girl,” Neil said, coming into the room with bedhead, a cup of hot chocolate and a smirk. “Is he the girl, Adam? I swear, you guys are so gross.”
“Shut the hell up, Neil.” That was Tommy and Adam at once. Neil actually looked embarrassed, and left. Adam shook his head. “I’m sorry about him, he’s an idiot.” Tommy just shrugged. He didn’t give a fuck what Neil was saying today, because he remembered what he was like last night, when he thought they were breaking up. If he’s not worried about us now, we must look okay, Tommy thought. Tommy finished his coffee and stood up.
“I’m ready to go home. Did your mom already leave?” Adam nodded and stood up for a kiss before heading for the door. “Bye. Talk to you tonight.” Adam walked out and Tommy felt a small pang watching him leave, even though he knew now that Adam would see him as soon as could. He started pulling the sheets off the bed, mind on how he was going to get to his Oma’s.
“I can do that,” a voice said behind him and he nearly jumped. It was Eber, and Tommy had forgotten that he was even home. “Hey,” Adam’s dad said. “I can take care of this and you can get a shower if you want. Do you want any breakfast? I was about to fix something.”
“Hey, morning,” Tommy said, and rubbed at his eyes. “I’ll take a shower, yeah. I’m going to have a really big lunch though, so I might skip breakfast. Um, see you in a minute.” Tommy took his overnight bag and went upstairs. After about ten minutes, he was back downstairs with his hair wet and flopping in his face. Eber had made bacon and had left an empty plate in the chair next to the one he was in. I guess he really wants me to eat with him, Tommy thought, and he sat down, wondering what Eber wanted.
Eber was reading the newspaper and eating his own bacon, when he looked over at Tommy. “Do you have your coffee cup? Go ahead and get some more. Have the extra bacon if you want. I just need to eat before I take you to your grandma’s, okay?” Tommy didn’t answer, but he got more coffee at sat back down. It felt pretty damn tense to him-he hadn’t spent much time alone with Eber.
Eber slowly ate his breakfast while Tommy nibbled on some of the bacon just out of nervousness. After a few minutes Eber put down the paper and rubbed his red eyes. “I’ve gotta stop sleeping in my chair like that,” he said. “Did you sleep well?”
“Um, yeah, I slept okay on the pull-out. I’ve slept worse places.” He wished he hadn’t said that as soon as it came out of his mouth, but Eber just laughed. “I mean, I’ve been on tour-I moved equipment for a band one time. It wasn’t much-just a three week tour. I slept in the van with four other dudes.” He couldn’t believe he felt comfortable telling this to Eber, but it didn’t seem like such a bad idea.
“Roadie, huh” was all Eber said to that. “I was a Dead follower. I think the only thing us and you punk kids have in common are those little vans. I don’t know, I don’t really keep up” Eber looked his way again and Tommy could see how tired he was, even though he was trying to hide it with a smile. Eber was hungover, and probably still stoned. Tommy felt recognition more than anything else. He knew all too well what it was like to get loaded and avoid the people you loved.
Eber drank another sip of his coffee and said “I’m not gonna ask you how my son is doing, so don’t worry. I’m going to ask him directly and hope he actually tells me instead of blowing me off. I know he’s just acting his age, but I’m not used to it.” Eber rubbed his forehead. “I’m sorry I blamed that shit on you.”
“It’s okay,” Tommy said. He was mildly surprised-Eber’s change of heart regarding him was still kind of a shock. “You didn’t really know me. I know I look like bad news. And it was true for a long time.” Tommy thought about all the crazy, dangerous things he had done and felt amazed that he was even alive. He was glad for what he’d told Adam last night, because he had understood and it had seemed to make them closer. He didn’t say anything else though. Some shit you just couldn’t tell your boyfriend’s dad.
“I thought some of my date’s dads were gonna answer the door with a shotgun when I was your age,” Eber said then, chuckling a little. He blushed then. “And I was dating girls.” He looked over at Tommy again. “I keep thinking about how weird this is. It’s weird for me, I don’t know how you two handle it. You’re just kids.” He finished his coffee and got up. “Okay, I’m ready to go if you are. Get your stuff. Your Oma’s or Paul’s?”
“Paul’s,” Tommy said after a minute. “I need to get my car.” Tommy got his overnight bag and headed for the door as Eber let Neil know that he’d be back in ten minutes. The conversation in the car was a lot more comfortable-they talked about music and discovered they both liked blues. Eber put in a cassette tape of Buddy Guy, and Tommy did air-guitar, miming the chords.
“I mean it, bring your guitar next time you come over,” Eber said as they drove up. Then he frowned. “I mean, are you going to come over again, right? You guys looked okay but-shit, I promised myself I wouldn’t ask.”
“It’s okay,” Tommy said again “I’m amazed you want me in your house, honestly.” Eber looked guilty, so Tommy kept going. “I mean, thanks. You didn’t have to give me another chance. Um, I gotta go. It takes Oma about three hours or more if she really feels like cooking. So I’ll see you.” Eber smiled at him then, and Tommy could see how defeated it looked. Fuck, this is so hard for him, he thought. Maybe that’s why he’s being friendly now. We both get it.
Tommy said goodbye to Eber again as he drove off, and then went inside to get ready and say hi to Paul. Paul was downstairs and Margret was in her office, so he just went to hug Lisa and then start fixing his hair. She sat in his room, watching him through the open bathroom door. “ Guess it went okay, you seem to be pretty good,” she said.
“Yeah, we might be okay. He’s gonna call later. I really don’t know what I’m doing.” Lisa just got up and rubbed his shoulder Tommy turned and kissed her on the cheek. “Nobody tells you how to do this shit.’
Lisa kissed him on the forehead. “Nobody knows what they’re doing. That’s why they can’t tell you.” She messed up the hair he just fixed and just laughed when he shoved at her. “Go check on mom before you leave, okay? She might need more tea by now.”
“Sure, put that off on me,” Tommy said, but he went and got her some more tea and a muffin. Margret didn’t look up from her work, but she patted his hand fondly. Tommy grabbed his keys after that, yelled “Bye!” before heading off.
He wound up spending nearly all day at his Oma’s as she fixed a huge meal, and she did end it with her chocolate and hazelnut torte. Tommy spent a lot of his visit in the kitchen so they could catch up. Most of the family stopped and got some of the food before leaving. It was loud and fun, and there was so much food left over. “Why do you bother to cook for the rest of the week?” Tommy said, and his Oma just tutted at him, obviously thinking that was a silly question.
Tommy stayed for cleanup, and they talked about school and his therapy. Tommy didn’t go into detail about him and Adam, since he still had no idea how to talk to her about it. I don’t know if I should bring that up. I’m glad she knows though. It almost made him glad that he got caught-he never would have said anything to her. She rubbed his back. “You should have come over more. You made me proud last night.” That nearly sent Tommy into tears-he didn’t think he’d ever made her proud before. “You’ve done so well, you don’t have to worry so much. Now go have a good day. I can clean up from here.” Tommy hugged her hard, not wanting to let go. He was wiping his eyes when he drove away.
When he got back home, he found Adam there, sitting in Lisa’s room. They were watching old Monty Python skits and drinking Coke. Tommy sat down with them and Adam put an arm around him as they watched the Upper-Class Twit Competition. “Hey,” Adam said. “I hope you don’t mind me coming over like this. I just wanted to see you.”
“Of course it’s okay,” Tommy said, and leaned closer. “I’ve got extra food for you two if you want any.” Adam shook his head, but Lisa got right up and marched down the hall. “She loves my Oma’s food, what can I say.” Adam giggled.
“I’ve never had German food, I’ll eat a little when I’m hungry. I ate lunch late.” Adam stroked Tommy’s face, and Tommy knew that Adam was going to ask for a kiss before he did. Tommy beat him to it, and they kissed until Lisa got back with a piece of the torte. She stood over them grinning, and Tommy laughed.
“You guys are kinda cute and kinda sickening at the same time,” she said. “I gotta go, I’m going to practice again.” She tried to make a break for it, but Tommy called after her.
“Hey, just what is your new gig anyway?” Lisa turned around and Tommy’s mouth dropped open-she was actually blushing. “Damn, what is it?”
“You know Sarver? Well, since he doesn’t have a date, he’s going to sing a couple of songs at the Winter Dance. I’m backing him up on keys.” Tommy and Adam looked at each other, and then they both cracked up. “Jesus, don’t do that when he’s around. He’s only sung in church before! He’s nervous. But he’s really, really good. He’s can sing pop pretty well.”
“You’re doing pop,” Tommy shook his head. “I feel so sorry for you.”
“I do pop,” Adam said, mock-offended. “And musicals, so let her do the gig. It’s no big deal.” Adam looked at Lisa then, and smiled. “It sounds like fun. Um, you’re not dating him, are you?” Lisa stood still and Tommy thought No shit, really? just before she answered.
“No, but he’s really sweet. I don’t know, we don’t have that much in common besides music. But I almost wish I could set him up with someone-he’s a nice guy. And how many of those do we know?” Tommy pointed at Adam, which made Lisa laugh and Adam kiss him. Lisa continued. “Anyway, I suck at dating. Okay boys, I don’t want to be late. Move the party to your room if it gets X-rated, you stud.”
“Shut the fuck up. And tell Michael hi,” Tommy said to her back. He kissed Adam again and heard Lisa mutter something about him being a horny bastard. He couldn’t give a fuck, so he kept kissing Adam until they were sprawled on the floor. “Mmmm,” he said. “This feels really good.”
“We don’t have to do more unless you want to,” Adam said. “I know I’ve been really pushy, and…”
“It’s okay, feel like kissing you,” Tommy said, and let Adam go back to it. After a few more minutes Tommy wanted to get off the floor-the carpet was starting to burn. “Adam? Can we go to my room?” Adam grunted and moved Tommy off him. Tommy turned the TV off.
“We never get bothered over here,” Adam said when they were lying on Tommy’s bed, Adam kissing his neck and jaw. “It’s nice-my dad’s driving me crazy.” Tommy moaned, because he didn’t want to think about Adam’s dad right then. He just wanted Adam to keep touching him. “Tommy,” Adam said, and he looked up. Of all times for him to get serious, Tommy thought. Adam looked down at him, holding one of Tommy’s hands. “Are you really okay? I mean, you seem alright, but…”
Tommy sat up and held Adam to him. “Better than before we talked,” he said. “And better since I saw Brigitta. Going over there always helps. I wish I could bring you.” He touched along Adam’s jawline, and Adam moved his head, trying to lick his palm.
“It’s okay, I’d love to talk to her if she wants me to. But other than that…yeah, I’d rather eat her food without everyone watching.” Adam’s voice was quiet and Tommy kissed him again. “Thanks, by the way. Didn’t have to stay with me when I ate.” Tommy shook his head, of course he would. He just grinned at Adam though.
“Hey, I was already downstairs, might as well.” Adam laughed against his mouth and they kissed again. Tommy was losing himself in the shape of Adam’s mouth. He was pressed right up Adam’s body, and he could feel his heat and how strong he felt. “You feel so good,” he said into Adam’s mouth, and Adam sucked his lower lip. “Oh, fuck,”
Adam pulled back then. “You have to tell me,” he said, his face serious. “I won’t push. I swear I won’t, you just-you’re in control now. Let me know what you want. I-I’ll try to do it.” He blushed then and Tommy knew what he meant. If Tommy asked for him to be naked, Adam would try even if he wasn’t ready. He decided right then that he wouldn’t ask for that. Not so much so soon, not yet. Instead he cupped Adam’s face in his hands and kissed him again before pulling back.
“Get on top of me,” he whispered, and then said “Wait, let me get my shirt off first.” He pulled his shirt off and sighed as Adam started rubbing over his chest, his thumb circling his nipples. “Yeah, come up here and keep me warm,” he said. He heard Adam unzip and a few seconds later Adam was lying over him, rough jeans gone. He still had on his shorts and Tommy could feel the heat and hardness under his briefs. Adam looked down at him, and then bent down and licked one of Tommy’s nipples.
“Ah! Yes,” Tommy whispered. “That feels really good.” Adam was being so careful and sweet this time, taking his time touching him. Tommy thought about how frantic their time together could be and how much different this was. He put a hand in Adam’s hair, holding him as Adam nuzzled and licked at his chest.
Adam didn’t stop or move for a long time. When he moved up, kissing Tommy’s mouth, Tommy thought he was going to die. “Oh my god,” he said. “Shit,” he said, moving up to rub against Adam. “Don’t know what I want.” He didn’t, Adam was making him feel too good and his brains were leaking out of his ears. Adam just moaned and nipped at Tommy’s jawline again.
“Do you want to get off?” Adam said, and Tommy nodded. “We can, just like this. Is that what you want, or something else?” Adam pulled back for a second and Tommy was glad for the space. He had to come down enough to think. He looked at Adam and moved up, Adam moving with him.
“Wanna take these off,” he said, pulling at his briefs. “And I want to be…kind of in your lap.” He blushed, not knowing what to call it. He took off his underwear and Adam did the same, frowning a little. “Here, like this…” Tommy moved them so his Adam’s legs were spread and then Tommy settled right in, his legs over Adam’s, their dicks right up against each other. When he kissed Adam again, he moved his hips slowly. Adam got the message and held their cocks together as they moved.
It felt so good-Tommy loved Adam’s big hands, and the way Adam smelled close up. Tommy didn’t stop kissing Adam, on the lips, his face, everywhere. When he tightened his legs around Adam’s hips, Adam growled into his mouth and bucked up. When Tommy came, he buried his face in Adam’s neck, teeth scraping over the pulse. Adam moaned, and Tommy reached down to help him stroke himself until Adam was shuddering in his arms. “Oh,” Adam said, and Tommy kissed the sweaty strands of his hair.
“Yeah,” Tommy said, grinning suddenly. “Fuck you’re amazing, you’re so good.” He saw Adam’s ear turn bright red from the praise and he licked Adam’s earlobe before pulling back. “Oh shit,” he said, looking down between them. “We ruined another shirt,You’re going to have to start bringing extras.”
Adam looked down and his black shirt was pretty much ruined, their come in big streaks over the front. Adam moved to pull it off and hesitated. Tommy wanted to kiss the fear away, but Adam was already getting up and going to the bathroom. “Um, I’ll be in here a minute,” Adam said, and then shut the door.
“Do you need a robe or a t-shirt?” Tommy called after him, but Adam didn’t answer. After a minute Tommy heard the shower come on. He didn’t expect that, he just thought Adam was going to rinse his shirt out. After a few minutes he started to wonder what was going on. “Adam?”
“Okay, you can open the door now,” Adam said, and Tommy went to the door, not daring to hope .But there Adam was in the shower, but with his shirt still on, wet and clinging his body. Tommy couldn’t stop staring-Adam was as close to being naked as he could get, and it was amazing. Adam smiled at him, and it was only wavering a little. “Tommy-I-is this okay? Will you get in with me?” Tommy took a step closer and he could see that Adam was shaking.
“I’m right here,” he said, getting into the tub and wrapping his arms around Adam. “It’s okay, I got you.” Adam was still trembling, and Tommy moved his fingers up and down Adam’s back. “You’re okay. I’ve always wanted to shower with you.” Adam laughed a little then, and Tommy kissed his neck gently.
“Remember when you were sick and I was in here with you?” Adam said, and Tommy sucked in a breath. “I loved that so much, it was so hot.” Adam traced his fingers under Tommy’s jaw, rubbing the stubble on his chin. “I always wanted to shower with you after that. But I couldn’t, I still can’t really. I still have to wear my shirt.” He made an ‘ugh’ face at Tommy. “It feels really gross, by the way.”
“I bet it feels weird,” Tommy said, kissing over Adam’s collarbone, exposed due to water pulling the shirt down. “But I’m glad you’re here.” Adam kissed him again, and they kissed under the spray. “It’s okay,” he said again.
“I know, I knew you wouldn’t laugh at me for this,” Adam said, and they made out under the spray. Eventually Adam rubbed over Tommy’s ass, and then rubbed over his hole. Tommy moaned and moved his legs apart, giving Adam better access. “I can’t really finger you,” Adam whispered. “It’s not like we have any lube. I just want to touch you. Okay?” Tommy kissed his neck, giving Adam permission. He knew how insecure Adam still was, and he almost felt guilty for it. But he couldn’t hold on to that thought while Adam was touching him. He came again when Adam slipped a fingertip inside, his hands scrabbling over the wet material..
When they were done, Tommy gave Adam a robe and took his shirt to the dryer. When he came back, Adam was sitting on the love seat, arms wrapped around his chest. “I have to go home soon, it’s late.” Tommy sat next to him. “That was…I don’t know. It was weird but I’m glad. That I did it.” Tommy kissed him again, and held him. After a while, they pulled back. “Tommy…have you seen your doctor? And you haven’t gotten tested yet.”
“I…I meant to, but I missed the appointment.” Tommy bit his lip. “I’m sorry, I know I’ve been really sick but I feel better now-“
“Tommy,” Adam said, glaring at him. “Go see your fucking doctor. I mean it.” Adam rubbed his forehead. “I know you’ve been mad at me, but this…this makes me mad. I never want to say anything because I’m afraid to, but you’re right. You put yourself last, and I know you do it for me. Well, I’m sick of it. I don’t want you in the hospital again. So make another appointment. I'm serious.” He pulled back from Tommy a little. “I don’t understand why you don’t care.”
“I care more than I used to,” Tommy said. “But I’m sorry, I’ll make the appointment. I’ve just been so busy-“
“Worrying about us.” Adam’s voice was sharp. “I know. I was too. But I think you can take an hour and go get that looked at.” Tommy flinched-Adam had never snapped at him before. Tommy didn’t say anything for a minute, and Adam rubbed his back. “Hey. I’m sorry, but I can’t let you do that. Just like you can’t let me take advantage of you anymore. Okay? I know you don’t really hate yourself that much.” Adam paused. “Do you? Please say you don’t.”
“I don’t-“ Tommy almost said, but he couldn’t lie to Adam. “Not as much as I used to,” he said finally. I’m not worth much, he wanted to say. Unless I’m taking care of you, I’m not worth much. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize to me,” Adam said, hugging him. “Just please take care of yourself. I’m learning how to do it, you need to. Or else, we’re not going to get any better. You know it’s true.” Tommy rested his head on Adam’s shoulder, and felt himself tear up for the second time that day. “It’s okay, don’t cry,” Adam said. “You know I love you and I want you to be fine. So…please be okay.”
“I’ll make the appointment. Shit, why do I cry so much?” Tommy knew the answer, it was because he never cried at all before. He decided to change the subject. “Oh, your dad make me breakfast this morning. He was actually really nice to me.”
“He got up before noon? I’m surprised.” Adam looked down, and Tommy realized that Adam was angry again. “I’m sick of him too. He just gets stoned all the time.” He looked up at Tommy. “My parents…I’m afraid they’re going to divorce soon.” Tommy shook his head, wanting to say That’s not true, that can’t be true, they’re good parents but Adam kept going. “I know they love me, but I’m starting to think worrying about me is what’s holding them together. Fuck, I don’t know. I don’t understand my dad anymore. I don’t think I ever did.” Tommy held Adam close, trying to comfort him. “I don’t know,” he said again. “I think he’s scared of me.”
“He’s worried about you,” Tommy said. “I know you’re angry, but maybe you can do something with him. I don’t know what, but I think he wants to spend time with you.” Tommy tried not to feel jealous about Adam having a dad that gave a shit about him. He knew it wasn’t perfect, but he had trouble believing that the Lamberts would break up. It just didn’t seem like their problems were a big deal to him. “He loves you, I know that.”
“Yeah, I know,” was all Adam said. Later, when he got his shirt and left, Tommy worried about what Adam had said. He wished he had Cassidy to talk to, and then he felt guilty for not talking to Paul more. He had been avoiding him, the same way Eber was avoiding his family, I ignore who I love, he thought. I don’t know how to stop.
He should have gone to the basement right then. He should have talked to Paul. Instead he fell asleep on top if his covers, the light still on.
Fandom: Adam Lambert
Pairing: Adam/Tommy
Author: i_amthecosmos
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 5,714
Summary: Adam and Tommy take care of each other, but Tommy still doesn’t know how to take care of himself.
Warnings: Talk of eating disorders and past alcohol use, slight trauma from past events.
Disclaimer: None of this is true, and I make no profit from it. Please do not Tweet this to anyone whose likeness I have used. Thank you.
Notes: I’m trying to get these done faster, because taking over two years for one WIP seems very weird.
Thanks to everyone, again. I love all of you.
When Adam and Tommy joined everyone else in the dining room, Tommy looked at the dinner. He could tell that Leila had wanted to fix a big special meal, but she had remembered and restrained herself. There was broiled chicken, some broccoli, and a big salad. He looked over at Adam, who smiled and shrugged. Tommy thought about Adam puking and wondered if he could eat at all. Then he remembered that he was staring. “Hey, thanks for inviting me,” he said, and smiled at Leila. “It looks really good.”
“Thanks kid,” she said, trying not to look nervous, but the tension around her eyes gave it away. Tommy thought that mealtime had to be absolute hell for the Lamberts now. Even Neil looked a little tense, and Paul had a polite, worried look that Tommy rarely saw.
Tommy and Adam sat down-there were two chairs next to each other left open-and there was a pause. Neil broke the silence. “Are you guys okay, or what? Dad wouldn’t say anything.” Leila glared at him, but Neil didn’t seem to care. “I mean, come on. Tell me you’re at least talking.”
“We’re talking,” Tommy said, and he smiled at him. “I had no idea that we meant so much to you,” he grinned at Neil sputtered and everyone else laughed. “Hey, can someone pass the chicken please?”
That broke the ice, and the rest of the meal was fun. Nobody commented on Adam. He was mostly drinking Sprite, and he ate about three bites of chicken. But he seemed relaxed, talking to Paul and not treating the table like a mortal enemy. When he was ready to get up, Tommy followed him. He left his plate, but again Eber and Leila didn’t say a word.
When they got to Adam’s room Tommy said “They don’t know you were sick, do they?” Adam shook his head and Tommy hugged him. “I can get you some soup or something if you want it.” He didn’t think anyone would mind-he was sure that Leila just wanted him to eat.
Adam shook his head. “Not right now. So, um, you don’t have to stay up here with me. If you want to finish eating, go ahead.” Tommy shook his head and put a hand on the back of Adam’s neck, pulling him down for a kiss. They stood like that for a while, kissing until Tommy’s neck began to hurt from tipping his head up. Then they lay down on Adam’s bed, Tommy’s head on his chest. “Do you want to talk some more?” Tommy shook his head and Adam stroked his hair until Tommy drifted off in his arms.
When the knock on the door came, Tommy blinked awake. He fully expected Eber to poke his head in again. Instead it was Leila, standing in the doorway. “Hi,” she said, looking between the two of them. Tommy looked up and he saw that he was still half-lying on Adam. Adam must have slept too-he was scrubbing his eyes and looking groggy. “I just came up to see if you were ready to go to bed. I guess you are.”
“Yeah,” Tommy said, smiling a little. “Let me help.” Tommy got up, legs weak, and stumbled a little on his way. “I’m still really tired,” he said to Leila. Tommy didn’t looked back at Adam, but he heard him shift and knew that he was probably sitting on his bed.
“You guys were up here for about an hour and a half. I thought I would have to tie Eber down to keep him from checking on your two.” Leila’s smile was more genuine now that the meal was over, and Tommy helped her carry the sheets downstairs. Eber wasn’t around, he had probably already gone downstairs for the night. Tommy got his overnight bag and went back up to put his worn out sweats and torn Sex Pistols t-shirt on to sleep in. He met Adam in the hall and they kissed before coming downstairs.
Leila met them coming up, and said “Okay, the two of your can put the sheets on. It’s late and I’m tired. Goodnight boys.” She hugged both of them, and Tommy was struck by how sweet it was, getting a hug from a mom. He wasn’t used to it, but if felt nice. Then he remembered how he looked for his mom at the review and had to say goodnight to Leila quickly before it showed on his face. Adam took his hand and squeezed it, even though Tommy was sure he didn’t know what was bothering him. They kept going downstairs, and Adam went into the kitchen and got his plate out.
Adam nibbled at his dinner while Tommy sipped some Sprite and leaned against him, still tired. Adam finally said “I’m glad you came. I’m glad you didn’t freak out. I was afraid I’d ruined everything and you wouldn’t want to be alone with me anymore.” Tommy shook his head, because he’d never stop wanting that, he didn’t think. “I know, it’s stupid,” Adam said, eating another piece of chicken. “I think that’s all, I want to go to bed soon.”
“Okay,” Tommy said. “And it’s not stupid, it’s been bad for us.” He hugged Adam around the waist, and Adam didn’t stiffen up at having his stomach touched. Tommy noticed it felt different, a little smaller, but he said nothing. That’s the last thing you should do now, he thought. It’s like you and drinking. I hope nobody else compliments him, or even mentions it.
Right then, like a fucking mind reader, Adam said “I’ve been going to OA. I don’t think I believe everything they say-I don’t want to weigh and measure my food. But I like it. I guess it’s like you and AA. You don’t believe it all, but you’ll go.” Tommy kissed his neck. “I like it-I go to one that’s nearly all women and one other gay guy. He’s nice to me. I’m not scared of him.”
“I’m glad you’re going,” Tommy said, and didn’t pressure him about it. He was really glad if it helped. He never thought that counselor helped Adam at all. Adam turned then and kissed Tommy for a long minute and then stood up. Let him go, saying goodnight and then cleaning up the dishes. When he finally laid down on the fold-out, he went to sleep almost immediately.
He only woke up once in the night. In his dreams he saw Cassie in the bathroom, her green hair and black lipstick right above his face. It was just a blink of an image, and then Tommy was awake, staring into the darkness. It’s okay, he thought. You haven’t dreamed that in a long time. He thought about going upstairs, but he knew that Adam had to promise a lot to get him here tonight, so he stayed where he was. It didn’t matter, because Adam was upstairs. He thought about him being in the same house and went back to sleep. This time, he didn’t dream.
“Hey.” Tommy was still asleep, but there was a voice and the smell of coffee in front of him. It was nice. “Come on, wake up or I’ll drink yours too.” Tommy opened one eye and saw Adam’s smiling face holding a coffee cup in front of him. Wow, now that’s fucking perfect, Tommy thought as he struggled to sit up. “There you go-I put milk in it, was that right?”
“Yeah it was.” Tommy smiled right before taking a big gulp, burning his throat. “Thanks, you going to your lessons, right?” Adam was wearing sweats and had a sweater over. There was a little bit of fall chill, and Adam wasn’t like Tommy. Tommy was still without a jacket, no replacement yet for the old one.“How late are you going to be?”
“I’ll be gone most of the day,” Adam said, sitting carefully on the pull out as Tommy moved around until he was sitting as well. “I’ve got an OA meeting today. So…maybe I’ll call you later.” Tommy nodded, running his hand through his unwashed hair. He felt sloppy, like he did before he got domesticated by Lisa’s family and started showering every day. But Adam had seen him look worse and never minded, so he didn’t either.
“I’m going to my Oma’s, I think she’s going to cook for me.” Tommy didn’t worry too much about Adam’s reaction to that, he knew that food meant love as far as she was concerned. “I think she’s gonna go overboard and I bet I’ll help her too. Oooh, maybe we can make torte.”
“You are such a girl,” Neil said, coming into the room with bedhead, a cup of hot chocolate and a smirk. “Is he the girl, Adam? I swear, you guys are so gross.”
“Shut the hell up, Neil.” That was Tommy and Adam at once. Neil actually looked embarrassed, and left. Adam shook his head. “I’m sorry about him, he’s an idiot.” Tommy just shrugged. He didn’t give a fuck what Neil was saying today, because he remembered what he was like last night, when he thought they were breaking up. If he’s not worried about us now, we must look okay, Tommy thought. Tommy finished his coffee and stood up.
“I’m ready to go home. Did your mom already leave?” Adam nodded and stood up for a kiss before heading for the door. “Bye. Talk to you tonight.” Adam walked out and Tommy felt a small pang watching him leave, even though he knew now that Adam would see him as soon as could. He started pulling the sheets off the bed, mind on how he was going to get to his Oma’s.
“I can do that,” a voice said behind him and he nearly jumped. It was Eber, and Tommy had forgotten that he was even home. “Hey,” Adam’s dad said. “I can take care of this and you can get a shower if you want. Do you want any breakfast? I was about to fix something.”
“Hey, morning,” Tommy said, and rubbed at his eyes. “I’ll take a shower, yeah. I’m going to have a really big lunch though, so I might skip breakfast. Um, see you in a minute.” Tommy took his overnight bag and went upstairs. After about ten minutes, he was back downstairs with his hair wet and flopping in his face. Eber had made bacon and had left an empty plate in the chair next to the one he was in. I guess he really wants me to eat with him, Tommy thought, and he sat down, wondering what Eber wanted.
Eber was reading the newspaper and eating his own bacon, when he looked over at Tommy. “Do you have your coffee cup? Go ahead and get some more. Have the extra bacon if you want. I just need to eat before I take you to your grandma’s, okay?” Tommy didn’t answer, but he got more coffee at sat back down. It felt pretty damn tense to him-he hadn’t spent much time alone with Eber.
Eber slowly ate his breakfast while Tommy nibbled on some of the bacon just out of nervousness. After a few minutes Eber put down the paper and rubbed his red eyes. “I’ve gotta stop sleeping in my chair like that,” he said. “Did you sleep well?”
“Um, yeah, I slept okay on the pull-out. I’ve slept worse places.” He wished he hadn’t said that as soon as it came out of his mouth, but Eber just laughed. “I mean, I’ve been on tour-I moved equipment for a band one time. It wasn’t much-just a three week tour. I slept in the van with four other dudes.” He couldn’t believe he felt comfortable telling this to Eber, but it didn’t seem like such a bad idea.
“Roadie, huh” was all Eber said to that. “I was a Dead follower. I think the only thing us and you punk kids have in common are those little vans. I don’t know, I don’t really keep up” Eber looked his way again and Tommy could see how tired he was, even though he was trying to hide it with a smile. Eber was hungover, and probably still stoned. Tommy felt recognition more than anything else. He knew all too well what it was like to get loaded and avoid the people you loved.
Eber drank another sip of his coffee and said “I’m not gonna ask you how my son is doing, so don’t worry. I’m going to ask him directly and hope he actually tells me instead of blowing me off. I know he’s just acting his age, but I’m not used to it.” Eber rubbed his forehead. “I’m sorry I blamed that shit on you.”
“It’s okay,” Tommy said. He was mildly surprised-Eber’s change of heart regarding him was still kind of a shock. “You didn’t really know me. I know I look like bad news. And it was true for a long time.” Tommy thought about all the crazy, dangerous things he had done and felt amazed that he was even alive. He was glad for what he’d told Adam last night, because he had understood and it had seemed to make them closer. He didn’t say anything else though. Some shit you just couldn’t tell your boyfriend’s dad.
“I thought some of my date’s dads were gonna answer the door with a shotgun when I was your age,” Eber said then, chuckling a little. He blushed then. “And I was dating girls.” He looked over at Tommy again. “I keep thinking about how weird this is. It’s weird for me, I don’t know how you two handle it. You’re just kids.” He finished his coffee and got up. “Okay, I’m ready to go if you are. Get your stuff. Your Oma’s or Paul’s?”
“Paul’s,” Tommy said after a minute. “I need to get my car.” Tommy got his overnight bag and headed for the door as Eber let Neil know that he’d be back in ten minutes. The conversation in the car was a lot more comfortable-they talked about music and discovered they both liked blues. Eber put in a cassette tape of Buddy Guy, and Tommy did air-guitar, miming the chords.
“I mean it, bring your guitar next time you come over,” Eber said as they drove up. Then he frowned. “I mean, are you going to come over again, right? You guys looked okay but-shit, I promised myself I wouldn’t ask.”
“It’s okay,” Tommy said again “I’m amazed you want me in your house, honestly.” Eber looked guilty, so Tommy kept going. “I mean, thanks. You didn’t have to give me another chance. Um, I gotta go. It takes Oma about three hours or more if she really feels like cooking. So I’ll see you.” Eber smiled at him then, and Tommy could see how defeated it looked. Fuck, this is so hard for him, he thought. Maybe that’s why he’s being friendly now. We both get it.
Tommy said goodbye to Eber again as he drove off, and then went inside to get ready and say hi to Paul. Paul was downstairs and Margret was in her office, so he just went to hug Lisa and then start fixing his hair. She sat in his room, watching him through the open bathroom door. “ Guess it went okay, you seem to be pretty good,” she said.
“Yeah, we might be okay. He’s gonna call later. I really don’t know what I’m doing.” Lisa just got up and rubbed his shoulder Tommy turned and kissed her on the cheek. “Nobody tells you how to do this shit.’
Lisa kissed him on the forehead. “Nobody knows what they’re doing. That’s why they can’t tell you.” She messed up the hair he just fixed and just laughed when he shoved at her. “Go check on mom before you leave, okay? She might need more tea by now.”
“Sure, put that off on me,” Tommy said, but he went and got her some more tea and a muffin. Margret didn’t look up from her work, but she patted his hand fondly. Tommy grabbed his keys after that, yelled “Bye!” before heading off.
He wound up spending nearly all day at his Oma’s as she fixed a huge meal, and she did end it with her chocolate and hazelnut torte. Tommy spent a lot of his visit in the kitchen so they could catch up. Most of the family stopped and got some of the food before leaving. It was loud and fun, and there was so much food left over. “Why do you bother to cook for the rest of the week?” Tommy said, and his Oma just tutted at him, obviously thinking that was a silly question.
Tommy stayed for cleanup, and they talked about school and his therapy. Tommy didn’t go into detail about him and Adam, since he still had no idea how to talk to her about it. I don’t know if I should bring that up. I’m glad she knows though. It almost made him glad that he got caught-he never would have said anything to her. She rubbed his back. “You should have come over more. You made me proud last night.” That nearly sent Tommy into tears-he didn’t think he’d ever made her proud before. “You’ve done so well, you don’t have to worry so much. Now go have a good day. I can clean up from here.” Tommy hugged her hard, not wanting to let go. He was wiping his eyes when he drove away.
When he got back home, he found Adam there, sitting in Lisa’s room. They were watching old Monty Python skits and drinking Coke. Tommy sat down with them and Adam put an arm around him as they watched the Upper-Class Twit Competition. “Hey,” Adam said. “I hope you don’t mind me coming over like this. I just wanted to see you.”
“Of course it’s okay,” Tommy said, and leaned closer. “I’ve got extra food for you two if you want any.” Adam shook his head, but Lisa got right up and marched down the hall. “She loves my Oma’s food, what can I say.” Adam giggled.
“I’ve never had German food, I’ll eat a little when I’m hungry. I ate lunch late.” Adam stroked Tommy’s face, and Tommy knew that Adam was going to ask for a kiss before he did. Tommy beat him to it, and they kissed until Lisa got back with a piece of the torte. She stood over them grinning, and Tommy laughed.
“You guys are kinda cute and kinda sickening at the same time,” she said. “I gotta go, I’m going to practice again.” She tried to make a break for it, but Tommy called after her.
“Hey, just what is your new gig anyway?” Lisa turned around and Tommy’s mouth dropped open-she was actually blushing. “Damn, what is it?”
“You know Sarver? Well, since he doesn’t have a date, he’s going to sing a couple of songs at the Winter Dance. I’m backing him up on keys.” Tommy and Adam looked at each other, and then they both cracked up. “Jesus, don’t do that when he’s around. He’s only sung in church before! He’s nervous. But he’s really, really good. He’s can sing pop pretty well.”
“You’re doing pop,” Tommy shook his head. “I feel so sorry for you.”
“I do pop,” Adam said, mock-offended. “And musicals, so let her do the gig. It’s no big deal.” Adam looked at Lisa then, and smiled. “It sounds like fun. Um, you’re not dating him, are you?” Lisa stood still and Tommy thought No shit, really? just before she answered.
“No, but he’s really sweet. I don’t know, we don’t have that much in common besides music. But I almost wish I could set him up with someone-he’s a nice guy. And how many of those do we know?” Tommy pointed at Adam, which made Lisa laugh and Adam kiss him. Lisa continued. “Anyway, I suck at dating. Okay boys, I don’t want to be late. Move the party to your room if it gets X-rated, you stud.”
“Shut the fuck up. And tell Michael hi,” Tommy said to her back. He kissed Adam again and heard Lisa mutter something about him being a horny bastard. He couldn’t give a fuck, so he kept kissing Adam until they were sprawled on the floor. “Mmmm,” he said. “This feels really good.”
“We don’t have to do more unless you want to,” Adam said. “I know I’ve been really pushy, and…”
“It’s okay, feel like kissing you,” Tommy said, and let Adam go back to it. After a few more minutes Tommy wanted to get off the floor-the carpet was starting to burn. “Adam? Can we go to my room?” Adam grunted and moved Tommy off him. Tommy turned the TV off.
“We never get bothered over here,” Adam said when they were lying on Tommy’s bed, Adam kissing his neck and jaw. “It’s nice-my dad’s driving me crazy.” Tommy moaned, because he didn’t want to think about Adam’s dad right then. He just wanted Adam to keep touching him. “Tommy,” Adam said, and he looked up. Of all times for him to get serious, Tommy thought. Adam looked down at him, holding one of Tommy’s hands. “Are you really okay? I mean, you seem alright, but…”
Tommy sat up and held Adam to him. “Better than before we talked,” he said. “And better since I saw Brigitta. Going over there always helps. I wish I could bring you.” He touched along Adam’s jawline, and Adam moved his head, trying to lick his palm.
“It’s okay, I’d love to talk to her if she wants me to. But other than that…yeah, I’d rather eat her food without everyone watching.” Adam’s voice was quiet and Tommy kissed him again. “Thanks, by the way. Didn’t have to stay with me when I ate.” Tommy shook his head, of course he would. He just grinned at Adam though.
“Hey, I was already downstairs, might as well.” Adam laughed against his mouth and they kissed again. Tommy was losing himself in the shape of Adam’s mouth. He was pressed right up Adam’s body, and he could feel his heat and how strong he felt. “You feel so good,” he said into Adam’s mouth, and Adam sucked his lower lip. “Oh, fuck,”
Adam pulled back then. “You have to tell me,” he said, his face serious. “I won’t push. I swear I won’t, you just-you’re in control now. Let me know what you want. I-I’ll try to do it.” He blushed then and Tommy knew what he meant. If Tommy asked for him to be naked, Adam would try even if he wasn’t ready. He decided right then that he wouldn’t ask for that. Not so much so soon, not yet. Instead he cupped Adam’s face in his hands and kissed him again before pulling back.
“Get on top of me,” he whispered, and then said “Wait, let me get my shirt off first.” He pulled his shirt off and sighed as Adam started rubbing over his chest, his thumb circling his nipples. “Yeah, come up here and keep me warm,” he said. He heard Adam unzip and a few seconds later Adam was lying over him, rough jeans gone. He still had on his shorts and Tommy could feel the heat and hardness under his briefs. Adam looked down at him, and then bent down and licked one of Tommy’s nipples.
“Ah! Yes,” Tommy whispered. “That feels really good.” Adam was being so careful and sweet this time, taking his time touching him. Tommy thought about how frantic their time together could be and how much different this was. He put a hand in Adam’s hair, holding him as Adam nuzzled and licked at his chest.
Adam didn’t stop or move for a long time. When he moved up, kissing Tommy’s mouth, Tommy thought he was going to die. “Oh my god,” he said. “Shit,” he said, moving up to rub against Adam. “Don’t know what I want.” He didn’t, Adam was making him feel too good and his brains were leaking out of his ears. Adam just moaned and nipped at Tommy’s jawline again.
“Do you want to get off?” Adam said, and Tommy nodded. “We can, just like this. Is that what you want, or something else?” Adam pulled back for a second and Tommy was glad for the space. He had to come down enough to think. He looked at Adam and moved up, Adam moving with him.
“Wanna take these off,” he said, pulling at his briefs. “And I want to be…kind of in your lap.” He blushed, not knowing what to call it. He took off his underwear and Adam did the same, frowning a little. “Here, like this…” Tommy moved them so his Adam’s legs were spread and then Tommy settled right in, his legs over Adam’s, their dicks right up against each other. When he kissed Adam again, he moved his hips slowly. Adam got the message and held their cocks together as they moved.
It felt so good-Tommy loved Adam’s big hands, and the way Adam smelled close up. Tommy didn’t stop kissing Adam, on the lips, his face, everywhere. When he tightened his legs around Adam’s hips, Adam growled into his mouth and bucked up. When Tommy came, he buried his face in Adam’s neck, teeth scraping over the pulse. Adam moaned, and Tommy reached down to help him stroke himself until Adam was shuddering in his arms. “Oh,” Adam said, and Tommy kissed the sweaty strands of his hair.
“Yeah,” Tommy said, grinning suddenly. “Fuck you’re amazing, you’re so good.” He saw Adam’s ear turn bright red from the praise and he licked Adam’s earlobe before pulling back. “Oh shit,” he said, looking down between them. “We ruined another shirt,You’re going to have to start bringing extras.”
Adam looked down and his black shirt was pretty much ruined, their come in big streaks over the front. Adam moved to pull it off and hesitated. Tommy wanted to kiss the fear away, but Adam was already getting up and going to the bathroom. “Um, I’ll be in here a minute,” Adam said, and then shut the door.
“Do you need a robe or a t-shirt?” Tommy called after him, but Adam didn’t answer. After a minute Tommy heard the shower come on. He didn’t expect that, he just thought Adam was going to rinse his shirt out. After a few minutes he started to wonder what was going on. “Adam?”
“Okay, you can open the door now,” Adam said, and Tommy went to the door, not daring to hope .But there Adam was in the shower, but with his shirt still on, wet and clinging his body. Tommy couldn’t stop staring-Adam was as close to being naked as he could get, and it was amazing. Adam smiled at him, and it was only wavering a little. “Tommy-I-is this okay? Will you get in with me?” Tommy took a step closer and he could see that Adam was shaking.
“I’m right here,” he said, getting into the tub and wrapping his arms around Adam. “It’s okay, I got you.” Adam was still trembling, and Tommy moved his fingers up and down Adam’s back. “You’re okay. I’ve always wanted to shower with you.” Adam laughed a little then, and Tommy kissed his neck gently.
“Remember when you were sick and I was in here with you?” Adam said, and Tommy sucked in a breath. “I loved that so much, it was so hot.” Adam traced his fingers under Tommy’s jaw, rubbing the stubble on his chin. “I always wanted to shower with you after that. But I couldn’t, I still can’t really. I still have to wear my shirt.” He made an ‘ugh’ face at Tommy. “It feels really gross, by the way.”
“I bet it feels weird,” Tommy said, kissing over Adam’s collarbone, exposed due to water pulling the shirt down. “But I’m glad you’re here.” Adam kissed him again, and they kissed under the spray. “It’s okay,” he said again.
“I know, I knew you wouldn’t laugh at me for this,” Adam said, and they made out under the spray. Eventually Adam rubbed over Tommy’s ass, and then rubbed over his hole. Tommy moaned and moved his legs apart, giving Adam better access. “I can’t really finger you,” Adam whispered. “It’s not like we have any lube. I just want to touch you. Okay?” Tommy kissed his neck, giving Adam permission. He knew how insecure Adam still was, and he almost felt guilty for it. But he couldn’t hold on to that thought while Adam was touching him. He came again when Adam slipped a fingertip inside, his hands scrabbling over the wet material..
When they were done, Tommy gave Adam a robe and took his shirt to the dryer. When he came back, Adam was sitting on the love seat, arms wrapped around his chest. “I have to go home soon, it’s late.” Tommy sat next to him. “That was…I don’t know. It was weird but I’m glad. That I did it.” Tommy kissed him again, and held him. After a while, they pulled back. “Tommy…have you seen your doctor? And you haven’t gotten tested yet.”
“I…I meant to, but I missed the appointment.” Tommy bit his lip. “I’m sorry, I know I’ve been really sick but I feel better now-“
“Tommy,” Adam said, glaring at him. “Go see your fucking doctor. I mean it.” Adam rubbed his forehead. “I know you’ve been mad at me, but this…this makes me mad. I never want to say anything because I’m afraid to, but you’re right. You put yourself last, and I know you do it for me. Well, I’m sick of it. I don’t want you in the hospital again. So make another appointment. I'm serious.” He pulled back from Tommy a little. “I don’t understand why you don’t care.”
“I care more than I used to,” Tommy said. “But I’m sorry, I’ll make the appointment. I’ve just been so busy-“
“Worrying about us.” Adam’s voice was sharp. “I know. I was too. But I think you can take an hour and go get that looked at.” Tommy flinched-Adam had never snapped at him before. Tommy didn’t say anything for a minute, and Adam rubbed his back. “Hey. I’m sorry, but I can’t let you do that. Just like you can’t let me take advantage of you anymore. Okay? I know you don’t really hate yourself that much.” Adam paused. “Do you? Please say you don’t.”
“I don’t-“ Tommy almost said, but he couldn’t lie to Adam. “Not as much as I used to,” he said finally. I’m not worth much, he wanted to say. Unless I’m taking care of you, I’m not worth much. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize to me,” Adam said, hugging him. “Just please take care of yourself. I’m learning how to do it, you need to. Or else, we’re not going to get any better. You know it’s true.” Tommy rested his head on Adam’s shoulder, and felt himself tear up for the second time that day. “It’s okay, don’t cry,” Adam said. “You know I love you and I want you to be fine. So…please be okay.”
“I’ll make the appointment. Shit, why do I cry so much?” Tommy knew the answer, it was because he never cried at all before. He decided to change the subject. “Oh, your dad make me breakfast this morning. He was actually really nice to me.”
“He got up before noon? I’m surprised.” Adam looked down, and Tommy realized that Adam was angry again. “I’m sick of him too. He just gets stoned all the time.” He looked up at Tommy. “My parents…I’m afraid they’re going to divorce soon.” Tommy shook his head, wanting to say That’s not true, that can’t be true, they’re good parents but Adam kept going. “I know they love me, but I’m starting to think worrying about me is what’s holding them together. Fuck, I don’t know. I don’t understand my dad anymore. I don’t think I ever did.” Tommy held Adam close, trying to comfort him. “I don’t know,” he said again. “I think he’s scared of me.”
“He’s worried about you,” Tommy said. “I know you’re angry, but maybe you can do something with him. I don’t know what, but I think he wants to spend time with you.” Tommy tried not to feel jealous about Adam having a dad that gave a shit about him. He knew it wasn’t perfect, but he had trouble believing that the Lamberts would break up. It just didn’t seem like their problems were a big deal to him. “He loves you, I know that.”
“Yeah, I know,” was all Adam said. Later, when he got his shirt and left, Tommy worried about what Adam had said. He wished he had Cassidy to talk to, and then he felt guilty for not talking to Paul more. He had been avoiding him, the same way Eber was avoiding his family, I ignore who I love, he thought. I don’t know how to stop.
He should have gone to the basement right then. He should have talked to Paul. Instead he fell asleep on top if his covers, the light still on.