We Dance To the Sound of Sirens, Chapter Thirty-Three
Title: We Dance To the Sound of Sirens, Chapter Thirty-three
Fandom: Adam Lambert
Pairing: Adam/Tommy
Author: i_amthecosmos
Rating: R
Word Count: 4,285
Summary: People pick sides, Adam is withdrawing, and Tommy just wants to keep trying.
Warnings: Talk of substance abuse, slight self-injury
Disclaimer: None of this is true, and I make no profit from it. Please do not Tweet this fanfiction to anyone whose likeness I’ve used. Thank you.
Notes: There is no reconciliation here, not yet. I apologize, but Adam is being stubborn. Thanks to everyone who talked me through this.
“Tommy?” Tommy opened one eye up and heard Paul’s voice from the hall. “Where’s Tommy? He’s not in his room.” Tommy poked his head out of the covers in Lisa’s room and saw she was still asleep, his head on her shoulder. He pushed up, not wanting to leave the bed, and on stiff legs walked towards the door just as Paul opened it. “Oh. Hey.”
“Hey,” Tommy said. His voice sounded like shit, gravely and rough from crying. He had driven straight to Paul’s when he left Allen’s, and tried to tell them what had happened. He wasn’t sure what he said now, only that Lisa had held him while he blubbered like a kid. Now it was morning and he was standing in front of Paul in his underwear, Lisa muttering something behind him as she woke up.
Paul looked back and forth at the two of them. Tommy shook his head quickly-he had never explicitly told Paul that he’d never had sex with Lisa, but now seemed like a pretty good time. I wouldn’t try to rebound with her anyway, I love her he thought. Paul looked at Tommy, and didn’t seem to know what to say to him. Tommy wasn’t sure either-he felt exposed and fragile, as if the wrong word or look could send him into a new wave of tears or worse.
After a second, Paul just said “You kids get ready for school. I’ll have breakfast on.” And then he left. Tommy looked back at a sleepy Lisa who was rubbing her eyes with one hand and clicking off her alarm with the other. She looked up after a second and tried to smile at him.
“Fucking Dad, he woke me up with ten minutes to go on my alarm,” she said, forcing out a laugh. “He knows we were up late too.” Lisa had taken him outside and they had smoked cigarettes on the porch, with the light from the front windows coming through. Tommy had rested his head on her shoulder as he told her everything he could. He even told her about Mutt. Lisa had hugged him and later they had curled in bed together. Lisa slept while Tommy watched the ceiling and occasionally drifted off until the nightmares started. And there were a lot of nightmares to choose from.
Lisa looked at him, and he must have looked fucking horrible, because she said “Hey, you can stay out today, I don’t think you should go to school like this. I know you feel awful.” Tommy looked at her and thought I wish. I used up all my feelings yesterday and now they’re gone. I wonder if I’ll get them back.
“No.” Tommy shook his head. “I’ve missed a lot of days over the past month anyway. And…I need to go. I’m not going to stop going to school over this, I-“ Tommy had to stop for a minute and take a deep breath. “I think I just have to do what I would normally do. Go to school, go to class, and then the Center.”
“What about drama class? What about rehearsals?” Lisa shot these questions at him rapid-fire, but Tommy was already stumbling to his room. He pulled off his briefs and got started fixing the shower. Just go to school, Tommy. One foot in front of the other until the week’s over. You can do it. The shower was warm and comforting, and that made Tommy never want to come out. He cut it short just for that reason.
He was dressed and ready soon after, hair still damp. Fuck if he was up to fixing it. Paul had fixed a big, comforting breakfast that Tommy couldn’t imagine eating. The eggs and waffles looked repulsive to him, and Tommy knew he’d puke. Lisa finally handed him a coffee to go and a granola bar from Margret’s stash. “It’s okay Dad,” she said. “Maybe we can have the waffles for dinner or something.” Tommy nodded his agreement, because he knew that Paul just wanted him to feel better.
“Tommy,” Paul said right as he was about to head for the door. “If you need to call me or anything, I’m right here.” Tommy nodded and Paul put a hand on his shoulder. That almost did it-Tommy felt a twinge of emotion, a dull pain like a stubbed toe. He had to pull back. “Tommy-“
Please stop. Please, just stop for now. “Sorry,” Tommy said. “I just…I have to go now. Okay? But I’ll see you tonight.” He looked at Paul and he could see that Paul was willing to wait, that he was going to give Tommy space on this. “Bye Paul. Um, I’ll be back.” He turned and went out the door where Lisa was standing in the yard, smoking. He got a cigarette off her.
Lisa stared at the new car in their driveway. “I was waiting on you, I forgot you didn’t need a ride anymore,” she said. She looked at his little car-black with a new paint job and nothing else to really recommend it from the outside. “It looks pretty good.”
“Thanks,” Tommy said. “You know, it’s pretty fucking stupid for both of us to take a car to school. Can I drive you? Or do you have to be anywhere after?” Lisa grinned and shook her head, and Tommy smiled. I owe you so much anyway. At least I can drive you to school. They got in his car, and Lisa popped in a Husker Du tape as Tommy pulled out of the driveway, window open and his elbow propped out.
It was almost a normal drive, but Tommy didn’t enjoy it at all.
When they got to school, Tommy stared at it and felt another wave of sadness crash into his chest. Not only was Adam going to be there, but he couldn’t even act like something was seriously wrong. He couldn’t even be heartbroken, since he wasn’t supposed to have a boyfriend in the first place. Only the drama kids knew for a fact what was happening, and that was how it had to be. Tommy heaved his book back over his shoulder and walked toward class, not saying goodbye to Lisa. When he walked through the main door, he thought At least no one expects me to act happy. I’m glad I’m a moody fucker right now.
Tommy sat through his early classes numb, only turning in his homework and then staring into space. When it came time for drama class, he thought about ditching. But then he remembered, one foot in front of the other, and walked in.
The first thing he did was look for Adam, and he wasn’t there. (Paula wasn’t there either-but sometimes she was late for class.) Tommy felt that dull stubbed toe pain again, and it must have shown on his face because Anoop took him over to sit with him and Megan. “It’s okay. Adam’s gone a half-day, he’s got an appointment. Are you all right?” Anoop looked really concerned and worried, and the thought hit Tommy like a brick to the head: Anoop was his best friend in this group. He never would have guessed.
“I’m just trying to make it,” Tommy said. He wished he could’ve said something else, but he couldn’t lie after what he just realized. “Did anyone…did Adam call anyone? How is he?”
“He called me,” Brad said from a few chairs down. He was looking at the desk, doodling on a piece of notebook paper. “He called me and told me what happened.” Brad looked up at him then, brown eyes flashing. “I kind of want to kick you in the balls, you know. I’m not going to, but I thought about it.”
Tommy felt his body tense forward. Adam called Brad, of course he did. Brad hates me, Adam’s going to leave me for him-he stopped the paranoid voice screeching in his head, and took a deep breath.“I wouldn’t blame you,” Tommy finally said. Before Brad could respond, Paula ran in and started taking roll at warp speed. He stayed sandwiched between Anoop and Megan during the class and walked with them when it was out.
Alisan caught up with him when he was alone in front of his classroom, nearly running down the hall. He stood there and waited for her, until she stopped right in front of him, a horrified, guilty looked on her face. Tommy shook his head, wanting to reassure her but not able to force a smile. “It wasn’t your fault,” he said, and he touched her hand before walking into the classroom right before the bell rang.
*
“Hey,” a soft, familiar voice said, and Tommy nearly dropped his granola bar.
It was lunch, and he was sitting on the far end of the drama table, Anoop close by but not right next to him, and he wasn’t expecting Adam. He didn’t know when or if he was coming back to school, and he never ate in the lunchroom anyway. Tommy swallowed at seeing him. “Hey,” he said. He couldn’t say anything else, like What was your appointment or Why are you at the lunch table, or I love you and I’m sorry. Adam blinked at him, and Tommy could see the disappointment on Adam’s face. Adam didn’t sit next to Tommy, instead sandwiching himself between Brad and Alisan. Tommy wanted to say something and try to get Adam to look at him, but it all seemed stuck in his throat. When lunch was over, Tommy stood up and looked at Adam again. Adam looked up for just a second before getting up and leaving, going the opposite direction.
Tommy made his way through the rest of his classes and staggered out at the end of the day. He leaned against his car and lit a cigarette with shaking hands. Time to get outta here, I need to see Cassidy. Fuck, I can’t believe I even came. Right now, his idea about pretending everything was fine sounded like the stupidest thing ever. He jumped when he felt a light touch on his shoulder, and turned around.
It’s wasn’t Adam. Kris stood in front of him, looking worried, and Tommy breathed out a lungful of smoke in relief. It was an accident that he got it in Kris’s eyes, but he didn’t seem to mind too much. “Hey,” he said, and just like before, there didn’t seem to be anything else anyone could say.
“Hey,” Kris said back. He didn’t seem to know what else to say either. After a minute, Kris scratched the back of his neck. “Wanna go someplace for burgers? I saw your new car. Can I catch a ride?” Tommy looked for Lisa, and saw her talking to Anoop. When she noticed him, she came over for a hug.
“Are you okay?” she said, and Tommy nodded, because he didn’t know what else to do. “Anoop wants me to meet someone who needs a keyboardist. So…if it’s okay? I’ll see you tonight at home.” Tommy nodded as she turned and looked at him one more time. Kris waved at her and she beamed at him, and then walked away.
Tommy dropped his cigarette on the asphalt and ground it down with his sneaker. “Yeah, let’s get outta here. I have someplace I need to be though, so we’re gonna make it quick.” Kris got shotgun while Tommy got his keys and threw his book bag in the back seat. From a distance, he could see Adam surrounded by Alisan, Brad and Taylor. He waved, but Adam wasn’t looking. Taylor was the only one who turned to watch him go, and the nod he gave him made Tommy felt slightly hopeful.
“I don’t really wanna talk about it,” Tommy said when Kris had a mouthful of burger. They were at the same diner he went with Lisa, Adam and Brad what seemed like a lifetime ago. “It’s not anyone else, so I don’t know what to say. We fought, but that’s private.” Tommy helped himself to some of Kris’s pickles and sighed.“It’s not even about the party, not anymore.”
“I’m still sorry. We all are, but…why didn’t you talk to Adam at school?” Tommy resisted the urge to kick Kris in the kneecap-he’d told him to leave it alone. But, it was a fair question.
“I can’t, not at school,” Tommy said, and Kris seemed to get it then. “I can’t exactly talk about our boyfriend problems where other people could hear us,” and Tommy could hear his voice drop in volume even though they were alone. “I know you think the best of everyone and you do your part to make people see that fag bashing is bad. But people have just gotten over the whole beach thing. If anything else happens?” Tommy glared. “Some of ‘em are gonna jump on us like a pack of fuckin’ wolves. And I can’t let Adam get hurt. I can’t.”
Kris looked at him as he stuck some ketchup-covered fries in his mouth, thinking it over. “You just said you care about Adam getting hurt. Not if you get hurt.” Kris actually seemed surprised by that.
Tommy pushed his plate to the side, ignoring the grilled cheese with two bites taken out of it. “I get hurt all the time”, he said. Kris didn’t try to argue, and the rest of their meal was silent.
After Tommy dropped Kris off, he couldn’t drive to the Center fast enough. He fucking tried to restrain himself, but he did wind up there a lot faster than he thought he would. He parked and ignored everyone standing outside as he jogged in. “Jack, hey. Is Cassidy…?” Jack shook his head. “Is he gone?”
“He’s just in there with someone else, it’ll be a minute,” Jack said, and he handed Tommy a local gay paper for him to read. Tommy tried to sit still, the numbness now gone from his body and replaced with sheer hurt and a little panic. He needed to talk to Cassidy.
If I talk to him, he can tell me what to do. He can help me get him back, maybe. Tommy bit his thumbnail until the copper taste of blood welled up in his mouth. The pain soothed him a little, but he still jumped when Cassidy came up behind him. “Hey Tommy, do you need to talk?” Tommy looked at him, how sincere and sweet Cassidy looked. He was also so concerned and perfect, and suddenly Tommy wanted to get out of there. He couldn’t-he was always asking for too much. Before he knew it, he’d dropped the paper and ran for the door, dimly hearing Jack and Cassidy calling after him.
Tommy walked for a while, aimless, until he found the park that was midway between the west part of the Points and some horrible yuppie nightmare houses. He found a pretty ornate metal park bench and sat down, lighting a cigarette with shaking hands. He blew out the smoke and wiped at his eyes. You ran. You can’t even face up to what’s going on with your life anymore. It’s too much. Adam’s probably going to replace you with Brad. Maybe that would be better, maybe Brad will be better for him. He shut his eyes, trying to make himself stop thinking.
“Hey,” a voice Tommy didn’t recognize said. He looked up and at a guy he’d seen at the Points. He was one of the homeless people who hung around sometimes, unshaven and in an old overcoat. He was black, taller than him and looked about sixty, but it was hard to tell. “Can I sit down?” Tommy scooted over, wiping his nose with his sleeve.
The guy sat down and Tommy could hear his knees crack. “Thanks man. I need to sit a little while. Shelter don’t open back up for another few hours.” The guy looked him over, and frowned. “You ain’t one of those little Nazi fuckers, right? ‘Cause a friend of mine got beaten up couple of nights ago.”
Tommy shook his head. “No, no way. And I think they’re looking to beat me up too.” He handed the guy a cigarette, lighting it for him when he accepted. “I’m Tommy.”
“Robert. Thank you,” he said, taking a drag off it. It was silent for a little while, and Tommy finished his cigarette, glad for company that wasn’t trying to make him talk about anything. He’d had enough of explaining, or waiting for Adam to come to him. Instead, he looked ahead of him, at the park. It was quiet and pretty, empty except for the two of them.
“Hey,” Robert said, looking him over. “You wanna get a six pack and find a place to drink it? I got ID if you got some money. I gotta have a beer or two before I go back to the Salvation people.” Robert looked at him, and Tommy knew the look, he gave it to people himself. Robert knew a fellow drunk when he saw one.
Tommy couldn’t breathe, he didn’t know how he would answer if he did. Do it, said a voice in his head. You’ve been so fucking good, through everything. Now Adam’s gone, and it doesn’t matter if he loves you or not, you probably can’t keep him. What does it matter? You could just have one, maybe. You know you miss it.
While Tommy’s mind was whirring, his hand had gotten a ten out of his wallet and was handing it to Robert. Tommy blinked as Robert took the cash, stuffing it in his inner coat pocket. “Thank you son, liquor store’s a couple of blocks that way. Wanna walk with me? I’d like the company.” Tommy sat still, and Robert raised an eyebrow. “Something wrong there Tommy?”
Tommy stood up, locking his knees so he didn't automatically start walking to the liquor store with his new friend. “I want to. But I better not. I’m trying-I’m trying. I’m sorry.” He looked at his hands and realized he was shaking. He stuffed them under his arms. “I should probably go back.” Robert stared at him for a minute, his expression moving from confused to understanding.
“I know what it’s like, don’t worry. I quit before. If you want to stop, go ahead. You’re young, it might work.” Robert took the money out of his pocket. “You want this back?” It was obvious in his voice and that he really didn’t want to lose his chance for some beer. Tommy shook his head.
“You can keep it if you want it. I’m not gonna tell you not to buy beer, ‘cause I almost did. I gave it to you, so it’s yours.” Tommy watched as Robert smiled and put the money in his hidden pocket so fast Tommy barely saw it. Tommy dropped his arms and breathed out as Robert nodded his goodbye and then headed off in the direction of the liquor store. He didn’t look back.
*
“Okay,” Cassidy said, leaning on his elbows on the table. “Now that you’re back, can you tell me what happened?” He didn’t seem upset with Tommy for running, or surprised that he came back. Tommy actually stood in front of the Center, not even sure if he should go in. After a minute Jack came outside and steered him back in with a hand on his shoulder, rolling his eyes all the while. “I guess it was pretty bad?”
“Nobody called to warn you this time? Shit.” Tommy was bunched up in a chair, arms crossed in front of him. “I’m kind of surprised.” He chewed on a cuticle for a minute, then he whispered “I think we broke up. I don’t know for sure. But…I don’t know if he’s going to come back. And…maybe he shouldn’t.”
“Oh, Tommy,” Cassidy said, and Tommy had to drop his eyes. He couldn’t look at Cassidy and tell him what happened at the same time, so he kept his eyes down on the fucking table and told him about the fight, all the things he’d said, and how numb he’d been all day. He even told him about the park and Robert. “I don’t know why I didn’t do it. I don’t have any reason not to drink now.” Tommy put his arms on the table and laid his head on them. “Why am I still trying?”
“You tell me,” Cassidy said, and there was a sharp tone to it that made Tommy look up. Cassidy was watching him, not in anger, but like he was seeing what Tommy would do. “Because I think you know what the answer is.” Cassidy held the eye contact until Tommy nodded.
“I knew I had to when I was sick. When I was sick at Paul’s house I mean. I didn’t even blink when I went to the fucking hospital, I just kept drinking and ignoring the pain. But when I got sick again, I spent a lot of time half asleep or delirious. And I remember waking up one time and thinking that I didn’t want to die.” He looked away again, watching his fingers scratch over the table. “I knew then, that if I didn’t stop, I probably wouldn’t live long. So, it’s not even about Adam, not really.”
“Do you think Adam made you want to live? Do you think you’ll go back to the way you were if you never get back with him?” That last part tore into Tommy like a razor in a fight, but he shook his head. “So why do you want to live now?”
“It was Adam at first, but it’s other people too,” Tommy said. “Lisa, Paul-they all let me in and I can stay there as long as I want. I can be around people who care about me and not want to run away from them, most of the time anyway. So that’s good. And…I just don’t want to die. I can’t. If I’m dead, then they won.” He looked up at Cassidy and saw him frown.
“You mean your parents?” Tommy nodded and Cassidy raised his eyebrows. “That’s probably the first time you’ve brought them up without me asking you. I’m proud. So, you want to stay alive to spite them?” His sly smirk that passed over his face made Tommy surprise himself with a laugh.
“I guess. I don’t know if they were trying to make me want to die. I don’t think I ever figured in a single plan of theirs, at all.” Tommy went silent for a minute, and bit at another fingernail. “I just have no idea why they even had me. I guess my dad wanted an heir, that’s all.” Tommy leaned back in the chair and looked at the ceiling. “There’s something else.”
“You can tell me,” Cassidy said automatically, and Tommy smiled. I know I can. That makes you amazing, by the way. “So…it’s not anything illegal, is it?”
Tommy laughed again, and then sobered up as he thought about what he had to ask. “Before he left, Adam asked me to get an AIDS test. Will you…come with me? Doesn’t it take a long time to get the results?” Cassidy got up from his chair and immediately went around and put a hand on Tommy’s. “I mean, do I have to make an appointment, or…”
“I can go with you, we go to the Health Department for that, they have the HIV test there, and you can get it done. They have to send it away to be tested, and it takes about three weeks. I’m sorry it’s not faster.” Cassidy squeezed his shoulder, and Tommy had to take a deep breath before he started crying again. “Just…are you sure you can handle it now?”
Tommy pulled away a little, about to say What makes you think I can’t, but Cassidy kept going. “You’ve been through so much in such a small amount of time. You almost drank in the park today, and you’re really vulnerable. Do you think it’s too much?”
Tommy looked at the room, at the AIDS prevention posters and the pictures of Pride marches that were decorating the walls, and he looked back at Cassidy. “If I feel like I can’t handle it, we can put it off until later,” he said. “But, I want to do it. Adam was right about that, I should do it for me, and not because he asked me to. I…worry. I worry about it. I’ve had such a fucked up life, Cass.”
“I’ve seen worse,” Cassidy said gently, and Tommy could tell from the sad, resigned look in his eyes that Cassidy was expecting to see worse still. Tommy stood up then and Cassidy hugged him. Tommy felt another stab as his brain compared hugging Cassidy to Adam, how their bodies were different. He sniffled a little as he pulled back, and Cassidy’s smile was kind as he handed Tommy a Kleenex. “It’s going to be okay, Tommy. No matter what happens, I know you can make it.”
Tommy nodded, hoping it was true. Maybe it was.
Fandom: Adam Lambert
Pairing: Adam/Tommy
Author: i_amthecosmos
Rating: R
Word Count: 4,285
Summary: People pick sides, Adam is withdrawing, and Tommy just wants to keep trying.
Warnings: Talk of substance abuse, slight self-injury
Disclaimer: None of this is true, and I make no profit from it. Please do not Tweet this fanfiction to anyone whose likeness I’ve used. Thank you.
Notes: There is no reconciliation here, not yet. I apologize, but Adam is being stubborn. Thanks to everyone who talked me through this.
“Tommy?” Tommy opened one eye up and heard Paul’s voice from the hall. “Where’s Tommy? He’s not in his room.” Tommy poked his head out of the covers in Lisa’s room and saw she was still asleep, his head on her shoulder. He pushed up, not wanting to leave the bed, and on stiff legs walked towards the door just as Paul opened it. “Oh. Hey.”
“Hey,” Tommy said. His voice sounded like shit, gravely and rough from crying. He had driven straight to Paul’s when he left Allen’s, and tried to tell them what had happened. He wasn’t sure what he said now, only that Lisa had held him while he blubbered like a kid. Now it was morning and he was standing in front of Paul in his underwear, Lisa muttering something behind him as she woke up.
Paul looked back and forth at the two of them. Tommy shook his head quickly-he had never explicitly told Paul that he’d never had sex with Lisa, but now seemed like a pretty good time. I wouldn’t try to rebound with her anyway, I love her he thought. Paul looked at Tommy, and didn’t seem to know what to say to him. Tommy wasn’t sure either-he felt exposed and fragile, as if the wrong word or look could send him into a new wave of tears or worse.
After a second, Paul just said “You kids get ready for school. I’ll have breakfast on.” And then he left. Tommy looked back at a sleepy Lisa who was rubbing her eyes with one hand and clicking off her alarm with the other. She looked up after a second and tried to smile at him.
“Fucking Dad, he woke me up with ten minutes to go on my alarm,” she said, forcing out a laugh. “He knows we were up late too.” Lisa had taken him outside and they had smoked cigarettes on the porch, with the light from the front windows coming through. Tommy had rested his head on her shoulder as he told her everything he could. He even told her about Mutt. Lisa had hugged him and later they had curled in bed together. Lisa slept while Tommy watched the ceiling and occasionally drifted off until the nightmares started. And there were a lot of nightmares to choose from.
Lisa looked at him, and he must have looked fucking horrible, because she said “Hey, you can stay out today, I don’t think you should go to school like this. I know you feel awful.” Tommy looked at her and thought I wish. I used up all my feelings yesterday and now they’re gone. I wonder if I’ll get them back.
“No.” Tommy shook his head. “I’ve missed a lot of days over the past month anyway. And…I need to go. I’m not going to stop going to school over this, I-“ Tommy had to stop for a minute and take a deep breath. “I think I just have to do what I would normally do. Go to school, go to class, and then the Center.”
“What about drama class? What about rehearsals?” Lisa shot these questions at him rapid-fire, but Tommy was already stumbling to his room. He pulled off his briefs and got started fixing the shower. Just go to school, Tommy. One foot in front of the other until the week’s over. You can do it. The shower was warm and comforting, and that made Tommy never want to come out. He cut it short just for that reason.
He was dressed and ready soon after, hair still damp. Fuck if he was up to fixing it. Paul had fixed a big, comforting breakfast that Tommy couldn’t imagine eating. The eggs and waffles looked repulsive to him, and Tommy knew he’d puke. Lisa finally handed him a coffee to go and a granola bar from Margret’s stash. “It’s okay Dad,” she said. “Maybe we can have the waffles for dinner or something.” Tommy nodded his agreement, because he knew that Paul just wanted him to feel better.
“Tommy,” Paul said right as he was about to head for the door. “If you need to call me or anything, I’m right here.” Tommy nodded and Paul put a hand on his shoulder. That almost did it-Tommy felt a twinge of emotion, a dull pain like a stubbed toe. He had to pull back. “Tommy-“
Please stop. Please, just stop for now. “Sorry,” Tommy said. “I just…I have to go now. Okay? But I’ll see you tonight.” He looked at Paul and he could see that Paul was willing to wait, that he was going to give Tommy space on this. “Bye Paul. Um, I’ll be back.” He turned and went out the door where Lisa was standing in the yard, smoking. He got a cigarette off her.
Lisa stared at the new car in their driveway. “I was waiting on you, I forgot you didn’t need a ride anymore,” she said. She looked at his little car-black with a new paint job and nothing else to really recommend it from the outside. “It looks pretty good.”
“Thanks,” Tommy said. “You know, it’s pretty fucking stupid for both of us to take a car to school. Can I drive you? Or do you have to be anywhere after?” Lisa grinned and shook her head, and Tommy smiled. I owe you so much anyway. At least I can drive you to school. They got in his car, and Lisa popped in a Husker Du tape as Tommy pulled out of the driveway, window open and his elbow propped out.
It was almost a normal drive, but Tommy didn’t enjoy it at all.
When they got to school, Tommy stared at it and felt another wave of sadness crash into his chest. Not only was Adam going to be there, but he couldn’t even act like something was seriously wrong. He couldn’t even be heartbroken, since he wasn’t supposed to have a boyfriend in the first place. Only the drama kids knew for a fact what was happening, and that was how it had to be. Tommy heaved his book back over his shoulder and walked toward class, not saying goodbye to Lisa. When he walked through the main door, he thought At least no one expects me to act happy. I’m glad I’m a moody fucker right now.
Tommy sat through his early classes numb, only turning in his homework and then staring into space. When it came time for drama class, he thought about ditching. But then he remembered, one foot in front of the other, and walked in.
The first thing he did was look for Adam, and he wasn’t there. (Paula wasn’t there either-but sometimes she was late for class.) Tommy felt that dull stubbed toe pain again, and it must have shown on his face because Anoop took him over to sit with him and Megan. “It’s okay. Adam’s gone a half-day, he’s got an appointment. Are you all right?” Anoop looked really concerned and worried, and the thought hit Tommy like a brick to the head: Anoop was his best friend in this group. He never would have guessed.
“I’m just trying to make it,” Tommy said. He wished he could’ve said something else, but he couldn’t lie after what he just realized. “Did anyone…did Adam call anyone? How is he?”
“He called me,” Brad said from a few chairs down. He was looking at the desk, doodling on a piece of notebook paper. “He called me and told me what happened.” Brad looked up at him then, brown eyes flashing. “I kind of want to kick you in the balls, you know. I’m not going to, but I thought about it.”
Tommy felt his body tense forward. Adam called Brad, of course he did. Brad hates me, Adam’s going to leave me for him-he stopped the paranoid voice screeching in his head, and took a deep breath.“I wouldn’t blame you,” Tommy finally said. Before Brad could respond, Paula ran in and started taking roll at warp speed. He stayed sandwiched between Anoop and Megan during the class and walked with them when it was out.
Alisan caught up with him when he was alone in front of his classroom, nearly running down the hall. He stood there and waited for her, until she stopped right in front of him, a horrified, guilty looked on her face. Tommy shook his head, wanting to reassure her but not able to force a smile. “It wasn’t your fault,” he said, and he touched her hand before walking into the classroom right before the bell rang.
*
“Hey,” a soft, familiar voice said, and Tommy nearly dropped his granola bar.
It was lunch, and he was sitting on the far end of the drama table, Anoop close by but not right next to him, and he wasn’t expecting Adam. He didn’t know when or if he was coming back to school, and he never ate in the lunchroom anyway. Tommy swallowed at seeing him. “Hey,” he said. He couldn’t say anything else, like What was your appointment or Why are you at the lunch table, or I love you and I’m sorry. Adam blinked at him, and Tommy could see the disappointment on Adam’s face. Adam didn’t sit next to Tommy, instead sandwiching himself between Brad and Alisan. Tommy wanted to say something and try to get Adam to look at him, but it all seemed stuck in his throat. When lunch was over, Tommy stood up and looked at Adam again. Adam looked up for just a second before getting up and leaving, going the opposite direction.
Tommy made his way through the rest of his classes and staggered out at the end of the day. He leaned against his car and lit a cigarette with shaking hands. Time to get outta here, I need to see Cassidy. Fuck, I can’t believe I even came. Right now, his idea about pretending everything was fine sounded like the stupidest thing ever. He jumped when he felt a light touch on his shoulder, and turned around.
It’s wasn’t Adam. Kris stood in front of him, looking worried, and Tommy breathed out a lungful of smoke in relief. It was an accident that he got it in Kris’s eyes, but he didn’t seem to mind too much. “Hey,” he said, and just like before, there didn’t seem to be anything else anyone could say.
“Hey,” Kris said back. He didn’t seem to know what else to say either. After a minute, Kris scratched the back of his neck. “Wanna go someplace for burgers? I saw your new car. Can I catch a ride?” Tommy looked for Lisa, and saw her talking to Anoop. When she noticed him, she came over for a hug.
“Are you okay?” she said, and Tommy nodded, because he didn’t know what else to do. “Anoop wants me to meet someone who needs a keyboardist. So…if it’s okay? I’ll see you tonight at home.” Tommy nodded as she turned and looked at him one more time. Kris waved at her and she beamed at him, and then walked away.
Tommy dropped his cigarette on the asphalt and ground it down with his sneaker. “Yeah, let’s get outta here. I have someplace I need to be though, so we’re gonna make it quick.” Kris got shotgun while Tommy got his keys and threw his book bag in the back seat. From a distance, he could see Adam surrounded by Alisan, Brad and Taylor. He waved, but Adam wasn’t looking. Taylor was the only one who turned to watch him go, and the nod he gave him made Tommy felt slightly hopeful.
“I don’t really wanna talk about it,” Tommy said when Kris had a mouthful of burger. They were at the same diner he went with Lisa, Adam and Brad what seemed like a lifetime ago. “It’s not anyone else, so I don’t know what to say. We fought, but that’s private.” Tommy helped himself to some of Kris’s pickles and sighed.“It’s not even about the party, not anymore.”
“I’m still sorry. We all are, but…why didn’t you talk to Adam at school?” Tommy resisted the urge to kick Kris in the kneecap-he’d told him to leave it alone. But, it was a fair question.
“I can’t, not at school,” Tommy said, and Kris seemed to get it then. “I can’t exactly talk about our boyfriend problems where other people could hear us,” and Tommy could hear his voice drop in volume even though they were alone. “I know you think the best of everyone and you do your part to make people see that fag bashing is bad. But people have just gotten over the whole beach thing. If anything else happens?” Tommy glared. “Some of ‘em are gonna jump on us like a pack of fuckin’ wolves. And I can’t let Adam get hurt. I can’t.”
Kris looked at him as he stuck some ketchup-covered fries in his mouth, thinking it over. “You just said you care about Adam getting hurt. Not if you get hurt.” Kris actually seemed surprised by that.
Tommy pushed his plate to the side, ignoring the grilled cheese with two bites taken out of it. “I get hurt all the time”, he said. Kris didn’t try to argue, and the rest of their meal was silent.
After Tommy dropped Kris off, he couldn’t drive to the Center fast enough. He fucking tried to restrain himself, but he did wind up there a lot faster than he thought he would. He parked and ignored everyone standing outside as he jogged in. “Jack, hey. Is Cassidy…?” Jack shook his head. “Is he gone?”
“He’s just in there with someone else, it’ll be a minute,” Jack said, and he handed Tommy a local gay paper for him to read. Tommy tried to sit still, the numbness now gone from his body and replaced with sheer hurt and a little panic. He needed to talk to Cassidy.
If I talk to him, he can tell me what to do. He can help me get him back, maybe. Tommy bit his thumbnail until the copper taste of blood welled up in his mouth. The pain soothed him a little, but he still jumped when Cassidy came up behind him. “Hey Tommy, do you need to talk?” Tommy looked at him, how sincere and sweet Cassidy looked. He was also so concerned and perfect, and suddenly Tommy wanted to get out of there. He couldn’t-he was always asking for too much. Before he knew it, he’d dropped the paper and ran for the door, dimly hearing Jack and Cassidy calling after him.
Tommy walked for a while, aimless, until he found the park that was midway between the west part of the Points and some horrible yuppie nightmare houses. He found a pretty ornate metal park bench and sat down, lighting a cigarette with shaking hands. He blew out the smoke and wiped at his eyes. You ran. You can’t even face up to what’s going on with your life anymore. It’s too much. Adam’s probably going to replace you with Brad. Maybe that would be better, maybe Brad will be better for him. He shut his eyes, trying to make himself stop thinking.
“Hey,” a voice Tommy didn’t recognize said. He looked up and at a guy he’d seen at the Points. He was one of the homeless people who hung around sometimes, unshaven and in an old overcoat. He was black, taller than him and looked about sixty, but it was hard to tell. “Can I sit down?” Tommy scooted over, wiping his nose with his sleeve.
The guy sat down and Tommy could hear his knees crack. “Thanks man. I need to sit a little while. Shelter don’t open back up for another few hours.” The guy looked him over, and frowned. “You ain’t one of those little Nazi fuckers, right? ‘Cause a friend of mine got beaten up couple of nights ago.”
Tommy shook his head. “No, no way. And I think they’re looking to beat me up too.” He handed the guy a cigarette, lighting it for him when he accepted. “I’m Tommy.”
“Robert. Thank you,” he said, taking a drag off it. It was silent for a little while, and Tommy finished his cigarette, glad for company that wasn’t trying to make him talk about anything. He’d had enough of explaining, or waiting for Adam to come to him. Instead, he looked ahead of him, at the park. It was quiet and pretty, empty except for the two of them.
“Hey,” Robert said, looking him over. “You wanna get a six pack and find a place to drink it? I got ID if you got some money. I gotta have a beer or two before I go back to the Salvation people.” Robert looked at him, and Tommy knew the look, he gave it to people himself. Robert knew a fellow drunk when he saw one.
Tommy couldn’t breathe, he didn’t know how he would answer if he did. Do it, said a voice in his head. You’ve been so fucking good, through everything. Now Adam’s gone, and it doesn’t matter if he loves you or not, you probably can’t keep him. What does it matter? You could just have one, maybe. You know you miss it.
While Tommy’s mind was whirring, his hand had gotten a ten out of his wallet and was handing it to Robert. Tommy blinked as Robert took the cash, stuffing it in his inner coat pocket. “Thank you son, liquor store’s a couple of blocks that way. Wanna walk with me? I’d like the company.” Tommy sat still, and Robert raised an eyebrow. “Something wrong there Tommy?”
Tommy stood up, locking his knees so he didn't automatically start walking to the liquor store with his new friend. “I want to. But I better not. I’m trying-I’m trying. I’m sorry.” He looked at his hands and realized he was shaking. He stuffed them under his arms. “I should probably go back.” Robert stared at him for a minute, his expression moving from confused to understanding.
“I know what it’s like, don’t worry. I quit before. If you want to stop, go ahead. You’re young, it might work.” Robert took the money out of his pocket. “You want this back?” It was obvious in his voice and that he really didn’t want to lose his chance for some beer. Tommy shook his head.
“You can keep it if you want it. I’m not gonna tell you not to buy beer, ‘cause I almost did. I gave it to you, so it’s yours.” Tommy watched as Robert smiled and put the money in his hidden pocket so fast Tommy barely saw it. Tommy dropped his arms and breathed out as Robert nodded his goodbye and then headed off in the direction of the liquor store. He didn’t look back.
*
“Okay,” Cassidy said, leaning on his elbows on the table. “Now that you’re back, can you tell me what happened?” He didn’t seem upset with Tommy for running, or surprised that he came back. Tommy actually stood in front of the Center, not even sure if he should go in. After a minute Jack came outside and steered him back in with a hand on his shoulder, rolling his eyes all the while. “I guess it was pretty bad?”
“Nobody called to warn you this time? Shit.” Tommy was bunched up in a chair, arms crossed in front of him. “I’m kind of surprised.” He chewed on a cuticle for a minute, then he whispered “I think we broke up. I don’t know for sure. But…I don’t know if he’s going to come back. And…maybe he shouldn’t.”
“Oh, Tommy,” Cassidy said, and Tommy had to drop his eyes. He couldn’t look at Cassidy and tell him what happened at the same time, so he kept his eyes down on the fucking table and told him about the fight, all the things he’d said, and how numb he’d been all day. He even told him about the park and Robert. “I don’t know why I didn’t do it. I don’t have any reason not to drink now.” Tommy put his arms on the table and laid his head on them. “Why am I still trying?”
“You tell me,” Cassidy said, and there was a sharp tone to it that made Tommy look up. Cassidy was watching him, not in anger, but like he was seeing what Tommy would do. “Because I think you know what the answer is.” Cassidy held the eye contact until Tommy nodded.
“I knew I had to when I was sick. When I was sick at Paul’s house I mean. I didn’t even blink when I went to the fucking hospital, I just kept drinking and ignoring the pain. But when I got sick again, I spent a lot of time half asleep or delirious. And I remember waking up one time and thinking that I didn’t want to die.” He looked away again, watching his fingers scratch over the table. “I knew then, that if I didn’t stop, I probably wouldn’t live long. So, it’s not even about Adam, not really.”
“Do you think Adam made you want to live? Do you think you’ll go back to the way you were if you never get back with him?” That last part tore into Tommy like a razor in a fight, but he shook his head. “So why do you want to live now?”
“It was Adam at first, but it’s other people too,” Tommy said. “Lisa, Paul-they all let me in and I can stay there as long as I want. I can be around people who care about me and not want to run away from them, most of the time anyway. So that’s good. And…I just don’t want to die. I can’t. If I’m dead, then they won.” He looked up at Cassidy and saw him frown.
“You mean your parents?” Tommy nodded and Cassidy raised his eyebrows. “That’s probably the first time you’ve brought them up without me asking you. I’m proud. So, you want to stay alive to spite them?” His sly smirk that passed over his face made Tommy surprise himself with a laugh.
“I guess. I don’t know if they were trying to make me want to die. I don’t think I ever figured in a single plan of theirs, at all.” Tommy went silent for a minute, and bit at another fingernail. “I just have no idea why they even had me. I guess my dad wanted an heir, that’s all.” Tommy leaned back in the chair and looked at the ceiling. “There’s something else.”
“You can tell me,” Cassidy said automatically, and Tommy smiled. I know I can. That makes you amazing, by the way. “So…it’s not anything illegal, is it?”
Tommy laughed again, and then sobered up as he thought about what he had to ask. “Before he left, Adam asked me to get an AIDS test. Will you…come with me? Doesn’t it take a long time to get the results?” Cassidy got up from his chair and immediately went around and put a hand on Tommy’s. “I mean, do I have to make an appointment, or…”
“I can go with you, we go to the Health Department for that, they have the HIV test there, and you can get it done. They have to send it away to be tested, and it takes about three weeks. I’m sorry it’s not faster.” Cassidy squeezed his shoulder, and Tommy had to take a deep breath before he started crying again. “Just…are you sure you can handle it now?”
Tommy pulled away a little, about to say What makes you think I can’t, but Cassidy kept going. “You’ve been through so much in such a small amount of time. You almost drank in the park today, and you’re really vulnerable. Do you think it’s too much?”
Tommy looked at the room, at the AIDS prevention posters and the pictures of Pride marches that were decorating the walls, and he looked back at Cassidy. “If I feel like I can’t handle it, we can put it off until later,” he said. “But, I want to do it. Adam was right about that, I should do it for me, and not because he asked me to. I…worry. I worry about it. I’ve had such a fucked up life, Cass.”
“I’ve seen worse,” Cassidy said gently, and Tommy could tell from the sad, resigned look in his eyes that Cassidy was expecting to see worse still. Tommy stood up then and Cassidy hugged him. Tommy felt another stab as his brain compared hugging Cassidy to Adam, how their bodies were different. He sniffled a little as he pulled back, and Cassidy’s smile was kind as he handed Tommy a Kleenex. “It’s going to be okay, Tommy. No matter what happens, I know you can make it.”
Tommy nodded, hoping it was true. Maybe it was.