Propose To Me (In A Way That Breaks My Heart)
Title: Propose To Me (In A Way That Breaks My Heart)
Fandom: Adam Lambert/AI8/Glam Nation
Pairings: Adam/OMC’s, Adam/Brad, Adam/Drake, Adam/Kris, Adam +Tommy, Adam/Taylor, Adam/Sauli
Rating: PG-13
Author: i_amthecosmos
Word count: 4,495
Disclaimer: None of this is true. This is fiction and written entirely for fun. I make no profit from this fan fiction.
Prompt: From glam_kink: Nine time Adam tried to propose and failed, and one time he didn’t.
First
It was Saturday and Adam had his two favorite things, his box of costumes and his friend Brent. It was getting late and they had been playing superheroes, running in capes and masks. Adam loved it when Brent came over, he was fun and didn’t make fun of Adam for not being into sports. Adam appreciated it and read comic books just so he would know what it was Brent liked.
It was nearly twilight and now they were taking their masks off.. Brent threw his mask toward the box, letting it sail like a Frisbee before it landed right in the middle of the box. Adam was fascinated-that was so cool. “I don’t wanna be Batman anymore. Let’s play something else.”
“Yeah!” Adam said. He ran over and looked at his collection of tattered costumes and pieces of old tights and other pretty stuff. He found a white hat with a veil that his mom had tried to throw away, and put it on. “Okay, I need some flowers.” Brent frowned, but he picked some of the daffodils growing in the yard and gave them to Adam, stepping back a little. Adam grinned at him. “Okay, I’m ready!”
Brent’s forehead creased as he stared at Adam. He had been squinting all day because of the sun, but now he just looked confused. “What are you pretending to be, Adam? I don’t get it.” Adam looked at Brent and he laughed, but he was starting to get worried. He held his flowers in front of his chest and Brent just kind of stood there. Adam wished he’d had something better than the hat, something with more of a veil.
“This game’s dumb,” Brent said. “And it’s getting late. I’m gonna go home now. I’ll see you later Adam!” Brent grinned and yanked the hat off Adam’s head before tossing it back into the costume box. Adam just stood there for a while, his flower bouquet in hand. It hadn’t worked. I guess Brent doesn’t want to marry me. Adam dropped the daffodils on the ground and put everything back in the box. He stepped on the bouquet on his way back in.
Second
Okay, Adam wasn’t that drunk, not really. But he and Danielle had gotten into his dad’s liquor cabinet and Adam had come to a life-changing revelation: he loved vodka. He was gonna marry it someday. “I’m so going to marry a bottle of vodka some day,” he slurred, and Danielle nearly fell over laughing.
“You can-I don’t think they’ll let you get into temple with that one, babe. No, you’re gonna have to marry a girl. I think they kind of insist on it.” Adam looked at the bottle, and then at Danielle. Her hair was in her face and she was red from laughing. He leaned over and kissed her cheek.
“I could marry you, I bet that would work out okay,” he said, but he couldn’t make the words have any force behind them. He didn’t know why, because he loved Danielle, he’d always had. But she looked at him, and he saw the hesitancy and sadness in her face. Adam knew then that it was stupid, but he kept going. “I mean, you’re my best friend.”
“I know!” Danielle laughed then, her worried expression gone. “And I’m always gonna be your best friend. So don’t worry. You don’t have to marry me to keep me around. We’re going to get out of high school and go to college and be amazing. Count on it.”
“Awww,” Adam said, and he was still hugging her when his dad came downstairs and caught them with the vodka.
Third
The cabins for the entertainers on the cruise ship were near the bottom (so they would drown first, a background dancer named Michael would always say). Because they were together all the time-everyone was together all the time, in and out of each others cabins, drinking and partying. Adam sometimes missed sleep, but mostly he felt like he was making up for all the parties he didn’t go to in high school.
So that was how he wound up in Kasey’s room at four am, curled on her bed and too drunk to move. That was okay, because Kasey was passed out on the floor, curled on top of her revue costume. Adam was about half conscious and spooned with another revue member, Devon. He was slight and sweet and fit perfectly in Adam’s arms.
Adam looked at the back of Devon’s head and thought Marry me at him, his mind trying to focus on that one though, like Melissa said when she was trying to teach him to meditate. He imagined saying the words to Devon, who was really nice as well as being adorable, and he imagined Devon saying ‘yes’. He closed his eyes, trying to will the words.
After a minute or two Devon shifted in his arms, and started to snore. Adam closed his eyes and sighed. Just before he passed out he thought, I probably should’ve asked for a kiss first.
Fourth
Brad was sweet and amazing and the best thing Adam’s life. Adam was scraping by on chorus jobs and Trader Joe gift cards from his mom, but that didn’t matter. Being with Brad made everything an adventure. Adam felt new, as if he’d shed all his old baggage the minute that Brad had smiled and said yes, Adam could have his number.
Brad was all about the new. He craved new clubs, new drinks, new clothes, new positions to have sex in-all of it. It was important to him to have something exciting every day. Adam tried to make that happen, for both of them. They didn’t have much money, but they were creative. So their first few months together were almost an endless high for Adam.
That came crashing down one night after a party, and they were both tired. Brad was drunk and actually snide instead of his usual mix of happy and catty. Adam knew it was because he was worried about visiting his parents at Christmas for the first time since he left, but it didn’t make Brad any easier to deal with. He was bitching about every person they knew, anything to avoid the subject of his trip away. Adam didn’t want to talk about it either-he didn’t like being separated from Brad-but this wasn’t any better.
“Honey,” Adam finally said, exasperated. “Stop. You love our friends, it doesn’t matter if Matthew wore the same outfit last week or not. I know you’re upset about going home, but don’t take it out on them. It’s not good for your karma.” Adam didn’t plan on saying anything more, but apparently that was enough. Brad turned to him, furious.
“Look,” Brad said, and Adam had never seen that look on Brad’s face before, and it was directed at him. “You don’t tell me what I can do and can’t. You’re sweet and adorable and good in bed-finally, after some practice. But you’re not my mother and you’re not my husband and you’ll never be either, so just shut the fuck up.” And then Brad stomped down the street to his apartment while Adam stood there, unable to move. After a few minutes he called a cab and went back to his place.
He had asked Brad to marry him the night before, when they were post-coital and sharing the bong. He had said it as a joke, but it was kind of serious as well. Brad had just smiled. Adam had no idea that Brad would take something that personal and use it against him. He didn’t speak to Brad again until a week after he’d gotten back from his trip to Texas.
They were together again, and on and off a couple more times, but it was never the same after that. When Adam finally gave up for good, it nearly tore him apart. Brad didn't seem as upset. All Adam could think at the time was he’d never have anyone that he loved that much again.
(Later, when they had gotten ‘just friends’ down to an art, Brad had apologized. “I could feel how much I meant to you, and I didn’t think I could live up to it. So I let my worst side out. I figured you should know what you were getting yourself into. I was such an idiot.” Adam had accepted the apology, but he still felt the sting from the words, years later.)
Fifth
Drake was a good contrast to Brad-he was laid back where Brad was hyper. Adam cared about him and was flattered when he found out that Drake had been interested for a long time. Drake was funny, he had pretty eyes, and he was good in bed. They were a good match, everyone said so.
They had a good thing going, and Adam was happy. Drake seemed pretty happy as well, but they kept their lives separate. Adam never asked Drake to move in. Drake never asked for Adam to come to Louisiana to meet his family. They had a very self-contained relationship-Neil called it a bubble. Nothing came in, and nothing was let out.
Being on American Idol and becoming suddenly, ridiculously famous made the bubble impossible to hold together. Drake was a sweetheart about it, staying with Adam through the show and the tour, but they both knew it wouldn’t last past that. When Drake sat Adam down to talk, Adam mostly felt relieved.
At least he did until Drake shrugged and said “Well, we were never going to get married anyway.” As soon as Drake said it, Adam could see him asking Drake, could see Drake saying yes. He could see the ceremony, the honeymoon, and a life together that wasn’t safe and contained by their fears. He thought about what they could have been if losing Brad hadn’t made him so scared to try.
Adam nodded and met Drake’s eyes. “I guess you’re right,” he said.
Sixth
Kris was like a platonic husband in the AI mansion and later on the tour. They never had sex and the fact that some people wanted them to struck both of them as hilarious.
(He had kissed Allen before, but then, Kris Allen was a bit of a kiss-slut. Seriously-Adam had even walked in on him kissing Anoop once, Anoop bending him over like a bride and making Matt howl. So that didn’t really count.)
One time, when they were seriously sleep-deprived and Kris was still getting over his flu, he called up Katy and started spinning this bullshit story about how he and Adam were going to get married. Adam was on Kris’s hotel bed laughing as Katy’s voice came through the speaker phone. “Okay, you two. Put up or shut up. And video it to me-I wanna see this.”
It only took a few minutes for a wedding party to be assembled. Allison was Adam’s bridesmaid, Matt was Kris’s best man. Megan grabbed a few lilies from an arrangement in the lobby and ran back to the room with them. They made a nice centerpiece, dripping water over the desk as Scott officiated the ceremony. Every other Idol that was awake watched as they got married, Kris saying “I do”, and fluttering his lashes as Adam leaned in for the kiss.
Adam was vaguely aware of everyone cheering, of Allison bouncing next to him, but it was only a dull buzz. This kiss was amazing, not like the other ones he’d gotten from Kris in the past. Kris was bold, kissing back with everything in him, and Adam felt most of his resistance to his attraction to a straight married man erode. Adam forgot it was a prank, he forgot that Katy was going to watch it on her computer. He damn near forgot his name. When the kiss was over, Kris faceplanted into the hug Adam gave him, like he always did. Adam leaned down when he thought he heard Kris say something, thinking Just say the word and I might do this for real.
Kris looked up at him, face glowing with mischief. “Hey, that was awesome. Wait until Danny hears about this, he’s going to freak out. And Katy’s gonna love it. Thanks.” Then Kris gave him a peck on the cheek and started making sure the video had gone through. Anoop and Matt were high-fiving in the corner of the room. Allison was yawning and heading for bed. Scott just waved at the room while Todd led him out.
Adam stood there and cursed his imagination.
Seventh
Tommy was one of the easiest friends he ever made. He was sweet, enthusiastic, and they had enough in common to be compatible and enough not in common for Tommy to be interesting. It didn’t hurt that Tommy was beautiful, one of the most gorgeous people he’d ever seen (and he’d had about ten years in show business now, so he had seen a lot of beautiful people). Not only that, but Tommy was comfortable with kissing him, onstage and off.
The only problem was, Tommy really was straight. On top of that, Tommy couldn’t keep a steady girlfriend to save his life. He was a loyal friend, but somehow he was boyfriend poison to girls. His solution was a lot of one night stands, and seeking physical affection from his friends, male and female. He would cuddle and kiss with Adam, Sutan, Isaac, and often Adam would come onto the bus and find the girls had Tommy in the middle of a puppy pile, just petting his hair and snuggling him. Tommy was the touchiest motherfucker he knew. It was hard not to get attached.
One night on his tour bus, he was on the bed half asleep. Tommy was next to him, reading a horror film magazine and talking about wanting to see some John Wayne movie again. Adam opened one eye and smiled. “I should divorce you for all that John Wayne crap. I mean, come on.”
Tommy paused, and then laughed, snorting and crinkling up his nose in the most adorable fashion. “Yeah right, you love me.” Tommy paused, and looked over at him. “If I were gay, I’d marry you.” He didn’t say it as a joke, but in a sincere, almost sad way. Adam looked over at him, and nodded.
“Yeah,” is all he could think to say back, looking at the pretty boy with the caked mascara and hair starting to flatten out. He was kind of sweaty and needed a shower. Adam didn’t care.
Tommy looked down, and then back up at Adam. “Yeah,” he said, and sighed. Adam knew the kiss he was going to get would be brief and dry, and it was. He didn’t watch as Tommy left the room. He curled on his side facing where Tommy had been, and lightly touched the pages of the magazine Tommy had left.
Eighth
Taylor was a backup fuck and they both knew it. He was just Adam’s type, but he was with a girl when they started, which kind of went against Adam’s rules. (He didn’t have a rule against bisexuals, just a rule against fucking people in relationships. That didn’t mean that it didn’t happen occasionally, however.)
However, Taylor was young and bendy and had a great sense of humor. Adam could do worse for a part-time boyfriend. He was pretty sure that’s all it was, until the day that Taylor pulled him into a room and said “Look, we gotta talk”.
Adam stood there stunned as Taylor said he was going to break it off. “At least for now. You’re a great guy and great in bed, but you’re so possessive. I’m not even yours, and you just sort of-take over. I can’t imagine what you’re like with people you really care about.” Taylor stopped and looked away. “I really like you, I just want you to know-you make me feel like I’m being smothered, sometimes.”
Adam wiped his eyes and just left the room, leaving Taylor alone for the rest of the day. They talked more that night and Adam agreed to back off. That worked for a few months, then the incident with the pap happened and Taylor was in Adam’s bed again. This time, he wasn’t with his fiance anymore.
Taylor was lying next to him, his head on Adam’s shoulder, sweaty from the sex and the Miami sun. “I can’t believe we broke up over text messages. It sucks.” Taylor ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t think I want to get married anyway. I mean, ever.”
Adam thought about that for a minute. “I think I wanted to marry every boy I liked,” he said suddenly. “Oh god, I have wanted to. No wonder you said I was possessive.” Adam felt exposed, like he’d suddenly realized something that must have been obvious to everyone. “I’m so sorry.”
Taylor looked at him, one eyebrow quirked, and then he kissed Adam softly. “Will you not-marry me?” Taylor said, smiling his crooked smirk, and Adam laughed.
“Of course, honey.”
Ninth
Sauli was a beautiful boy, and he made Adam feel refreshed after trying to recover from his tour. Before Sauli’s visit, he was tired and stoned most of the time. When his Finnish boy finally came to help him celebrate his birthday, he could tell the difference in how he looked and walked. Even in the pap videos, he could see a glow that wasn’t there before.
It’s wasn’t a perfect relationship-Sauli could be hard to understand, and not because of his English. He was just eccentric. But he wasn’t overly impressed with Adam’s fame, and he genuinely loved little things like going to Disney World. (And okay, he hadn’t said no to the big ticket shopping trip they’d taken as well.)
This definitely made his birthday a lot better. He had amazing company and amazing sex, Sauli met his friends and family members and seemed overjoyed by everything. Then at the end of the week, he had to go back home. They kissed goodbye at Adam’s new house until Adam’s mouth was sore, then Sauli left in the car Adam had sent for him.
Adam took Taylor to a play the next day. It was just to keep his mind off how much he missed his Sauli, and also if he was really missing him, and not just the act of being with someone. When he took Taylor to bed that night, he still wasn’t sure.
Sauli and Adam managed to do okay for a year. Dating long distance was a pain in the ass, but they managed. Adam met Sauli’s family and friends, got shitfaced drunk enough to try to speak Finnish to them (the You Tube videos that a cousin leaked were hilarious), and they became a media sensation in Sauli’s homeland. The American gossip press seemed to like them too, and they were getting called a gay power couple, as if they were going to make it.
They almost did.
Adam wasn’t drunk, and it wasn’t spur of the moment. Sauli was curled into his side as they sat on Adam’s couch, when Adam got the box out of his pocket. “Sauli…will you marry me?” He was nervous, because Sauli had to say yes, it had to work this time. “Will you come and live with me?”
Adam got the message from the look in Sauli’s eyes before he registered him shaking his head. “No. Adam, I love you, and I know you try.” Adam winced, because that fucking hurt. “But I don’t think we should get married, at least not now. I’m sorry.”
“Why?” Nobody had ever really given him an answer, except for Taylor telling him he was a jealous asshole. “I just-I want to be married, I want to have you with me…I don’t want to be alone.” Adam looked at Sauli then, meeting his eyes. They both nodded, and Sauli kissed his cheek.
“Maybe you can ask me again when you want more than just to never be alone,” Sauli said, and Adam nodded, brushing at his eyes. “Don’t cry. I know you’re lonely, but it’s all right. Everyone’s alone, really.” Adam let Sauli comfort him, while thinking that maybe a boyfriend who could just accept existential loneliness wasn’t one he could really be with long term.
Or maybe, Adam just couldn’t yet understand how accepting loneliness could ever be a good thing.
Sauli stayed with him for another night, then it was time for him to go. He didn’t say when he was going to come back, and Adam didn’t ask him to. When the car Adam hired took him away, Adam stared after it for a minute. Then he wiped his eyes and made a phone call to his doctor. “Hey. I was wondering if you could give me the name of a good therapist?”
Tenth
It was Adam’s thirty-fifth birthday, and this time, it was low-key.
He showed up at the Cherry’s house in jeans and a t-shirt, which a huge package of presents. His godson Riff ran towards him, shrieking “Uncle Adam!” Adam laughed and caught him, spinning him around the room.
“Happy birthday Riff, you're so big now! How's your birthday?”
“Awesome!” Riff was a fantastic kid, already shaggy haired and creative like his parents. “Happy birthday to you too, Uncle Adam. What did you get me?”
Adam laughed. “You’ll have to see.” He looked up to see all his friends gathered around a table full of food, with two cakes and another table full of presents. God, he loved his friends so much. “You didn’t have to get me anything.” He looked at the group around him and inwardly sighed. Someone was missing. Well, it was too early for Nik to be here anyway. The last time he talked to him, he said he couldn’t get away until just after, he was still in Moscow visiting family and…wait.
Moving from the back of the crowd to the front, there was a skinny blond boy with blue eyes, shaggy hair, and an ever-present smirk. Nikoli had made it, even with his big fashion show coming up next week. Adam was still standing there with an armful of godson when Nik crossed the room, wrapping his arms around both of them. “Happy birthday.”
“Thank you,” he said, and stared at Nikoli’s beautiful face for a long minute, until Riff wriggled in his arms to be let down. Adam laughed and Nik picked up Riff and put him down, and then helped Adam put up the presents as their friends started chatting and grabbing stuff to eat. Nik stayed beside Adam the entire time.
Later, after everyone had gotten their gifts and Riff had been sent to bed (which he protested vocally, not understanding why his birthday should have the same bedtime). Adam cornered Nik in the kitchen, hugging him from behind. “Thanks for surprising me,” he said, kissing behind Nikoli’s ear. Nik just turned his head and smiled at him, and Adam shook his head. “I really thought you weren’t going to make it.”
“Now that’s stupid. Of course I was going to come.” Nik turned around in Adam’s arms and hugged him. Adam could hear his friends in the basement rooms, playing music and talking. He wasn’t in any hurry to get down there. Nik pulled back to look at him. “I know we’re busy people, but you’ve never missed my birthday in three years. But it was fun to fool you.” Nik smiled again, and Adam thought Fuck it, we should just leave now. I’ll apologize later, but I have to get him home now.
When they were home, curled up on the couch and kissing, Adam stroked over Nik’s face. “Love you,” he said. “You know, we’ve been together longer than anyone else I’ve been with. I can’t believe I met you at Fashion Week.”
“And I was a designer’s assistant,” Nik’s mouth curled up at the corner as he, kissed at Adam’s fingers. “The first thing you said to me was ‘Hi, where am I supposed to find a bathroom at this thing?’.” Nik laughed. “Not the best of opening lines.”
“I’m glad that my failure to impress you still worked,” Adam said, biting at Nikoli’s earlobe. “I wasn’t even trying to hit on you.” Adam slid a hand under Nik’s shirt and made him wriggle, laughing a little. “I had pretty much been okay with being single for a while.”
“I know. Your therapist is proud of you.” Adam rolled his eyes-yes, he was still in therapy. Self-esteem and relationship issues took time to unlearn. And anyway, he adored his therapist. She didn’t take any shit from him, and he needed that in the world he lived in now. Nik didn’t bullshit him either, another reason Adam loved him so much. He looked down at the beautiful man next to him, and thought I want us to be together forever. Then he tried to ignore it, since thoughts like that only led to trouble for him in the past.
“What are you thinking about?” Nik could also damn near read his mind sometimes. Adam kissed him again, trying to non-verbally change the subject. Nikoli pulled back a little. “No, tell me. You’re getting that look, like you expect to be rejected.” Nik cupped Adam’s face, his delicate fingers curling near his mouth. “Tell me.”
“I want you to stay with me,” Adam whispered, but that was only half of it, and he could tell Nik wasn’t satisfied. “I want you to marry me-I don’t have a ring, I didn’t plan on this, I’m sorry…” Nik kissed him then, shutting him up.
“Don’t apologize for proposing to me,” his boyfriend said, and Nikoli had that smile on his face, the one that made him glow and look innocent. “Yes, of course.” Adam opened his mouth and Nik put a finger over it. “Are you going to try to talk me out of it? I know I’m in New York most of the time, but I can keep my apartment for work and stay here, or move everything here entirely. It doesn’t matter, we can figure it out. I’ve been wondering if I should’ve asked you myself.”
Adam hugged Nik to him then, blinking back a few tears. “I would have said yes.” Nik brushed one of the tears with his thumb. “Oh my god, you’re going to marry me!” Then Adam started laughing and Nik started in as well.
“I’m designing our tuxes. And the wedding party’s as well. Hell, maybe your mother’s.” Nik laughed and kissed him again. Adam felt weightless, like everything he’d wanted had come true.
And it had, but this time it was better.
Fandom: Adam Lambert/AI8/Glam Nation
Pairings: Adam/OMC’s, Adam/Brad, Adam/Drake, Adam/Kris, Adam +Tommy, Adam/Taylor, Adam/Sauli
Rating: PG-13
Author: i_amthecosmos
Word count: 4,495
Disclaimer: None of this is true. This is fiction and written entirely for fun. I make no profit from this fan fiction.
Prompt: From glam_kink: Nine time Adam tried to propose and failed, and one time he didn’t.
First
It was Saturday and Adam had his two favorite things, his box of costumes and his friend Brent. It was getting late and they had been playing superheroes, running in capes and masks. Adam loved it when Brent came over, he was fun and didn’t make fun of Adam for not being into sports. Adam appreciated it and read comic books just so he would know what it was Brent liked.
It was nearly twilight and now they were taking their masks off.. Brent threw his mask toward the box, letting it sail like a Frisbee before it landed right in the middle of the box. Adam was fascinated-that was so cool. “I don’t wanna be Batman anymore. Let’s play something else.”
“Yeah!” Adam said. He ran over and looked at his collection of tattered costumes and pieces of old tights and other pretty stuff. He found a white hat with a veil that his mom had tried to throw away, and put it on. “Okay, I need some flowers.” Brent frowned, but he picked some of the daffodils growing in the yard and gave them to Adam, stepping back a little. Adam grinned at him. “Okay, I’m ready!”
Brent’s forehead creased as he stared at Adam. He had been squinting all day because of the sun, but now he just looked confused. “What are you pretending to be, Adam? I don’t get it.” Adam looked at Brent and he laughed, but he was starting to get worried. He held his flowers in front of his chest and Brent just kind of stood there. Adam wished he’d had something better than the hat, something with more of a veil.
“This game’s dumb,” Brent said. “And it’s getting late. I’m gonna go home now. I’ll see you later Adam!” Brent grinned and yanked the hat off Adam’s head before tossing it back into the costume box. Adam just stood there for a while, his flower bouquet in hand. It hadn’t worked. I guess Brent doesn’t want to marry me. Adam dropped the daffodils on the ground and put everything back in the box. He stepped on the bouquet on his way back in.
Second
Okay, Adam wasn’t that drunk, not really. But he and Danielle had gotten into his dad’s liquor cabinet and Adam had come to a life-changing revelation: he loved vodka. He was gonna marry it someday. “I’m so going to marry a bottle of vodka some day,” he slurred, and Danielle nearly fell over laughing.
“You can-I don’t think they’ll let you get into temple with that one, babe. No, you’re gonna have to marry a girl. I think they kind of insist on it.” Adam looked at the bottle, and then at Danielle. Her hair was in her face and she was red from laughing. He leaned over and kissed her cheek.
“I could marry you, I bet that would work out okay,” he said, but he couldn’t make the words have any force behind them. He didn’t know why, because he loved Danielle, he’d always had. But she looked at him, and he saw the hesitancy and sadness in her face. Adam knew then that it was stupid, but he kept going. “I mean, you’re my best friend.”
“I know!” Danielle laughed then, her worried expression gone. “And I’m always gonna be your best friend. So don’t worry. You don’t have to marry me to keep me around. We’re going to get out of high school and go to college and be amazing. Count on it.”
“Awww,” Adam said, and he was still hugging her when his dad came downstairs and caught them with the vodka.
Third
The cabins for the entertainers on the cruise ship were near the bottom (so they would drown first, a background dancer named Michael would always say). Because they were together all the time-everyone was together all the time, in and out of each others cabins, drinking and partying. Adam sometimes missed sleep, but mostly he felt like he was making up for all the parties he didn’t go to in high school.
So that was how he wound up in Kasey’s room at four am, curled on her bed and too drunk to move. That was okay, because Kasey was passed out on the floor, curled on top of her revue costume. Adam was about half conscious and spooned with another revue member, Devon. He was slight and sweet and fit perfectly in Adam’s arms.
Adam looked at the back of Devon’s head and thought Marry me at him, his mind trying to focus on that one though, like Melissa said when she was trying to teach him to meditate. He imagined saying the words to Devon, who was really nice as well as being adorable, and he imagined Devon saying ‘yes’. He closed his eyes, trying to will the words.
After a minute or two Devon shifted in his arms, and started to snore. Adam closed his eyes and sighed. Just before he passed out he thought, I probably should’ve asked for a kiss first.
Fourth
Brad was sweet and amazing and the best thing Adam’s life. Adam was scraping by on chorus jobs and Trader Joe gift cards from his mom, but that didn’t matter. Being with Brad made everything an adventure. Adam felt new, as if he’d shed all his old baggage the minute that Brad had smiled and said yes, Adam could have his number.
Brad was all about the new. He craved new clubs, new drinks, new clothes, new positions to have sex in-all of it. It was important to him to have something exciting every day. Adam tried to make that happen, for both of them. They didn’t have much money, but they were creative. So their first few months together were almost an endless high for Adam.
That came crashing down one night after a party, and they were both tired. Brad was drunk and actually snide instead of his usual mix of happy and catty. Adam knew it was because he was worried about visiting his parents at Christmas for the first time since he left, but it didn’t make Brad any easier to deal with. He was bitching about every person they knew, anything to avoid the subject of his trip away. Adam didn’t want to talk about it either-he didn’t like being separated from Brad-but this wasn’t any better.
“Honey,” Adam finally said, exasperated. “Stop. You love our friends, it doesn’t matter if Matthew wore the same outfit last week or not. I know you’re upset about going home, but don’t take it out on them. It’s not good for your karma.” Adam didn’t plan on saying anything more, but apparently that was enough. Brad turned to him, furious.
“Look,” Brad said, and Adam had never seen that look on Brad’s face before, and it was directed at him. “You don’t tell me what I can do and can’t. You’re sweet and adorable and good in bed-finally, after some practice. But you’re not my mother and you’re not my husband and you’ll never be either, so just shut the fuck up.” And then Brad stomped down the street to his apartment while Adam stood there, unable to move. After a few minutes he called a cab and went back to his place.
He had asked Brad to marry him the night before, when they were post-coital and sharing the bong. He had said it as a joke, but it was kind of serious as well. Brad had just smiled. Adam had no idea that Brad would take something that personal and use it against him. He didn’t speak to Brad again until a week after he’d gotten back from his trip to Texas.
They were together again, and on and off a couple more times, but it was never the same after that. When Adam finally gave up for good, it nearly tore him apart. Brad didn't seem as upset. All Adam could think at the time was he’d never have anyone that he loved that much again.
(Later, when they had gotten ‘just friends’ down to an art, Brad had apologized. “I could feel how much I meant to you, and I didn’t think I could live up to it. So I let my worst side out. I figured you should know what you were getting yourself into. I was such an idiot.” Adam had accepted the apology, but he still felt the sting from the words, years later.)
Fifth
Drake was a good contrast to Brad-he was laid back where Brad was hyper. Adam cared about him and was flattered when he found out that Drake had been interested for a long time. Drake was funny, he had pretty eyes, and he was good in bed. They were a good match, everyone said so.
They had a good thing going, and Adam was happy. Drake seemed pretty happy as well, but they kept their lives separate. Adam never asked Drake to move in. Drake never asked for Adam to come to Louisiana to meet his family. They had a very self-contained relationship-Neil called it a bubble. Nothing came in, and nothing was let out.
Being on American Idol and becoming suddenly, ridiculously famous made the bubble impossible to hold together. Drake was a sweetheart about it, staying with Adam through the show and the tour, but they both knew it wouldn’t last past that. When Drake sat Adam down to talk, Adam mostly felt relieved.
At least he did until Drake shrugged and said “Well, we were never going to get married anyway.” As soon as Drake said it, Adam could see him asking Drake, could see Drake saying yes. He could see the ceremony, the honeymoon, and a life together that wasn’t safe and contained by their fears. He thought about what they could have been if losing Brad hadn’t made him so scared to try.
Adam nodded and met Drake’s eyes. “I guess you’re right,” he said.
Sixth
Kris was like a platonic husband in the AI mansion and later on the tour. They never had sex and the fact that some people wanted them to struck both of them as hilarious.
(He had kissed Allen before, but then, Kris Allen was a bit of a kiss-slut. Seriously-Adam had even walked in on him kissing Anoop once, Anoop bending him over like a bride and making Matt howl. So that didn’t really count.)
One time, when they were seriously sleep-deprived and Kris was still getting over his flu, he called up Katy and started spinning this bullshit story about how he and Adam were going to get married. Adam was on Kris’s hotel bed laughing as Katy’s voice came through the speaker phone. “Okay, you two. Put up or shut up. And video it to me-I wanna see this.”
It only took a few minutes for a wedding party to be assembled. Allison was Adam’s bridesmaid, Matt was Kris’s best man. Megan grabbed a few lilies from an arrangement in the lobby and ran back to the room with them. They made a nice centerpiece, dripping water over the desk as Scott officiated the ceremony. Every other Idol that was awake watched as they got married, Kris saying “I do”, and fluttering his lashes as Adam leaned in for the kiss.
Adam was vaguely aware of everyone cheering, of Allison bouncing next to him, but it was only a dull buzz. This kiss was amazing, not like the other ones he’d gotten from Kris in the past. Kris was bold, kissing back with everything in him, and Adam felt most of his resistance to his attraction to a straight married man erode. Adam forgot it was a prank, he forgot that Katy was going to watch it on her computer. He damn near forgot his name. When the kiss was over, Kris faceplanted into the hug Adam gave him, like he always did. Adam leaned down when he thought he heard Kris say something, thinking Just say the word and I might do this for real.
Kris looked up at him, face glowing with mischief. “Hey, that was awesome. Wait until Danny hears about this, he’s going to freak out. And Katy’s gonna love it. Thanks.” Then Kris gave him a peck on the cheek and started making sure the video had gone through. Anoop and Matt were high-fiving in the corner of the room. Allison was yawning and heading for bed. Scott just waved at the room while Todd led him out.
Adam stood there and cursed his imagination.
Seventh
Tommy was one of the easiest friends he ever made. He was sweet, enthusiastic, and they had enough in common to be compatible and enough not in common for Tommy to be interesting. It didn’t hurt that Tommy was beautiful, one of the most gorgeous people he’d ever seen (and he’d had about ten years in show business now, so he had seen a lot of beautiful people). Not only that, but Tommy was comfortable with kissing him, onstage and off.
The only problem was, Tommy really was straight. On top of that, Tommy couldn’t keep a steady girlfriend to save his life. He was a loyal friend, but somehow he was boyfriend poison to girls. His solution was a lot of one night stands, and seeking physical affection from his friends, male and female. He would cuddle and kiss with Adam, Sutan, Isaac, and often Adam would come onto the bus and find the girls had Tommy in the middle of a puppy pile, just petting his hair and snuggling him. Tommy was the touchiest motherfucker he knew. It was hard not to get attached.
One night on his tour bus, he was on the bed half asleep. Tommy was next to him, reading a horror film magazine and talking about wanting to see some John Wayne movie again. Adam opened one eye and smiled. “I should divorce you for all that John Wayne crap. I mean, come on.”
Tommy paused, and then laughed, snorting and crinkling up his nose in the most adorable fashion. “Yeah right, you love me.” Tommy paused, and looked over at him. “If I were gay, I’d marry you.” He didn’t say it as a joke, but in a sincere, almost sad way. Adam looked over at him, and nodded.
“Yeah,” is all he could think to say back, looking at the pretty boy with the caked mascara and hair starting to flatten out. He was kind of sweaty and needed a shower. Adam didn’t care.
Tommy looked down, and then back up at Adam. “Yeah,” he said, and sighed. Adam knew the kiss he was going to get would be brief and dry, and it was. He didn’t watch as Tommy left the room. He curled on his side facing where Tommy had been, and lightly touched the pages of the magazine Tommy had left.
Eighth
Taylor was a backup fuck and they both knew it. He was just Adam’s type, but he was with a girl when they started, which kind of went against Adam’s rules. (He didn’t have a rule against bisexuals, just a rule against fucking people in relationships. That didn’t mean that it didn’t happen occasionally, however.)
However, Taylor was young and bendy and had a great sense of humor. Adam could do worse for a part-time boyfriend. He was pretty sure that’s all it was, until the day that Taylor pulled him into a room and said “Look, we gotta talk”.
Adam stood there stunned as Taylor said he was going to break it off. “At least for now. You’re a great guy and great in bed, but you’re so possessive. I’m not even yours, and you just sort of-take over. I can’t imagine what you’re like with people you really care about.” Taylor stopped and looked away. “I really like you, I just want you to know-you make me feel like I’m being smothered, sometimes.”
Adam wiped his eyes and just left the room, leaving Taylor alone for the rest of the day. They talked more that night and Adam agreed to back off. That worked for a few months, then the incident with the pap happened and Taylor was in Adam’s bed again. This time, he wasn’t with his fiance anymore.
Taylor was lying next to him, his head on Adam’s shoulder, sweaty from the sex and the Miami sun. “I can’t believe we broke up over text messages. It sucks.” Taylor ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t think I want to get married anyway. I mean, ever.”
Adam thought about that for a minute. “I think I wanted to marry every boy I liked,” he said suddenly. “Oh god, I have wanted to. No wonder you said I was possessive.” Adam felt exposed, like he’d suddenly realized something that must have been obvious to everyone. “I’m so sorry.”
Taylor looked at him, one eyebrow quirked, and then he kissed Adam softly. “Will you not-marry me?” Taylor said, smiling his crooked smirk, and Adam laughed.
“Of course, honey.”
Ninth
Sauli was a beautiful boy, and he made Adam feel refreshed after trying to recover from his tour. Before Sauli’s visit, he was tired and stoned most of the time. When his Finnish boy finally came to help him celebrate his birthday, he could tell the difference in how he looked and walked. Even in the pap videos, he could see a glow that wasn’t there before.
It’s wasn’t a perfect relationship-Sauli could be hard to understand, and not because of his English. He was just eccentric. But he wasn’t overly impressed with Adam’s fame, and he genuinely loved little things like going to Disney World. (And okay, he hadn’t said no to the big ticket shopping trip they’d taken as well.)
This definitely made his birthday a lot better. He had amazing company and amazing sex, Sauli met his friends and family members and seemed overjoyed by everything. Then at the end of the week, he had to go back home. They kissed goodbye at Adam’s new house until Adam’s mouth was sore, then Sauli left in the car Adam had sent for him.
Adam took Taylor to a play the next day. It was just to keep his mind off how much he missed his Sauli, and also if he was really missing him, and not just the act of being with someone. When he took Taylor to bed that night, he still wasn’t sure.
Sauli and Adam managed to do okay for a year. Dating long distance was a pain in the ass, but they managed. Adam met Sauli’s family and friends, got shitfaced drunk enough to try to speak Finnish to them (the You Tube videos that a cousin leaked were hilarious), and they became a media sensation in Sauli’s homeland. The American gossip press seemed to like them too, and they were getting called a gay power couple, as if they were going to make it.
They almost did.
Adam wasn’t drunk, and it wasn’t spur of the moment. Sauli was curled into his side as they sat on Adam’s couch, when Adam got the box out of his pocket. “Sauli…will you marry me?” He was nervous, because Sauli had to say yes, it had to work this time. “Will you come and live with me?”
Adam got the message from the look in Sauli’s eyes before he registered him shaking his head. “No. Adam, I love you, and I know you try.” Adam winced, because that fucking hurt. “But I don’t think we should get married, at least not now. I’m sorry.”
“Why?” Nobody had ever really given him an answer, except for Taylor telling him he was a jealous asshole. “I just-I want to be married, I want to have you with me…I don’t want to be alone.” Adam looked at Sauli then, meeting his eyes. They both nodded, and Sauli kissed his cheek.
“Maybe you can ask me again when you want more than just to never be alone,” Sauli said, and Adam nodded, brushing at his eyes. “Don’t cry. I know you’re lonely, but it’s all right. Everyone’s alone, really.” Adam let Sauli comfort him, while thinking that maybe a boyfriend who could just accept existential loneliness wasn’t one he could really be with long term.
Or maybe, Adam just couldn’t yet understand how accepting loneliness could ever be a good thing.
Sauli stayed with him for another night, then it was time for him to go. He didn’t say when he was going to come back, and Adam didn’t ask him to. When the car Adam hired took him away, Adam stared after it for a minute. Then he wiped his eyes and made a phone call to his doctor. “Hey. I was wondering if you could give me the name of a good therapist?”
Tenth
It was Adam’s thirty-fifth birthday, and this time, it was low-key.
He showed up at the Cherry’s house in jeans and a t-shirt, which a huge package of presents. His godson Riff ran towards him, shrieking “Uncle Adam!” Adam laughed and caught him, spinning him around the room.
“Happy birthday Riff, you're so big now! How's your birthday?”
“Awesome!” Riff was a fantastic kid, already shaggy haired and creative like his parents. “Happy birthday to you too, Uncle Adam. What did you get me?”
Adam laughed. “You’ll have to see.” He looked up to see all his friends gathered around a table full of food, with two cakes and another table full of presents. God, he loved his friends so much. “You didn’t have to get me anything.” He looked at the group around him and inwardly sighed. Someone was missing. Well, it was too early for Nik to be here anyway. The last time he talked to him, he said he couldn’t get away until just after, he was still in Moscow visiting family and…wait.
Moving from the back of the crowd to the front, there was a skinny blond boy with blue eyes, shaggy hair, and an ever-present smirk. Nikoli had made it, even with his big fashion show coming up next week. Adam was still standing there with an armful of godson when Nik crossed the room, wrapping his arms around both of them. “Happy birthday.”
“Thank you,” he said, and stared at Nikoli’s beautiful face for a long minute, until Riff wriggled in his arms to be let down. Adam laughed and Nik picked up Riff and put him down, and then helped Adam put up the presents as their friends started chatting and grabbing stuff to eat. Nik stayed beside Adam the entire time.
Later, after everyone had gotten their gifts and Riff had been sent to bed (which he protested vocally, not understanding why his birthday should have the same bedtime). Adam cornered Nik in the kitchen, hugging him from behind. “Thanks for surprising me,” he said, kissing behind Nikoli’s ear. Nik just turned his head and smiled at him, and Adam shook his head. “I really thought you weren’t going to make it.”
“Now that’s stupid. Of course I was going to come.” Nik turned around in Adam’s arms and hugged him. Adam could hear his friends in the basement rooms, playing music and talking. He wasn’t in any hurry to get down there. Nik pulled back to look at him. “I know we’re busy people, but you’ve never missed my birthday in three years. But it was fun to fool you.” Nik smiled again, and Adam thought Fuck it, we should just leave now. I’ll apologize later, but I have to get him home now.
When they were home, curled up on the couch and kissing, Adam stroked over Nik’s face. “Love you,” he said. “You know, we’ve been together longer than anyone else I’ve been with. I can’t believe I met you at Fashion Week.”
“And I was a designer’s assistant,” Nik’s mouth curled up at the corner as he, kissed at Adam’s fingers. “The first thing you said to me was ‘Hi, where am I supposed to find a bathroom at this thing?’.” Nik laughed. “Not the best of opening lines.”
“I’m glad that my failure to impress you still worked,” Adam said, biting at Nikoli’s earlobe. “I wasn’t even trying to hit on you.” Adam slid a hand under Nik’s shirt and made him wriggle, laughing a little. “I had pretty much been okay with being single for a while.”
“I know. Your therapist is proud of you.” Adam rolled his eyes-yes, he was still in therapy. Self-esteem and relationship issues took time to unlearn. And anyway, he adored his therapist. She didn’t take any shit from him, and he needed that in the world he lived in now. Nik didn’t bullshit him either, another reason Adam loved him so much. He looked down at the beautiful man next to him, and thought I want us to be together forever. Then he tried to ignore it, since thoughts like that only led to trouble for him in the past.
“What are you thinking about?” Nik could also damn near read his mind sometimes. Adam kissed him again, trying to non-verbally change the subject. Nikoli pulled back a little. “No, tell me. You’re getting that look, like you expect to be rejected.” Nik cupped Adam’s face, his delicate fingers curling near his mouth. “Tell me.”
“I want you to stay with me,” Adam whispered, but that was only half of it, and he could tell Nik wasn’t satisfied. “I want you to marry me-I don’t have a ring, I didn’t plan on this, I’m sorry…” Nik kissed him then, shutting him up.
“Don’t apologize for proposing to me,” his boyfriend said, and Nikoli had that smile on his face, the one that made him glow and look innocent. “Yes, of course.” Adam opened his mouth and Nik put a finger over it. “Are you going to try to talk me out of it? I know I’m in New York most of the time, but I can keep my apartment for work and stay here, or move everything here entirely. It doesn’t matter, we can figure it out. I’ve been wondering if I should’ve asked you myself.”
Adam hugged Nik to him then, blinking back a few tears. “I would have said yes.” Nik brushed one of the tears with his thumb. “Oh my god, you’re going to marry me!” Then Adam started laughing and Nik started in as well.
“I’m designing our tuxes. And the wedding party’s as well. Hell, maybe your mother’s.” Nik laughed and kissed him again. Adam felt weightless, like everything he’d wanted had come true.
And it had, but this time it was better.