HELL-O WISCONSIN!
My paid account w/ l.j. ends in, like, 30 seconds--so, I'll use those 30 seconds to say:
I'M FREE! FREE @ LAST!!
I actually used l.j. more when I wasn't paying for it. For the past 365 days of my paid account, I've probably only used it for 15 of those days. I guess I just like things better when I'm not being charged for it.
***
2004 has already shown promise. I've been more calm since the year has begun. The little things in life that've scared me or stressed me out for every year before this one now just appears to be obstacles and challenges to overcome, and I'm cultivating the motivation; the drive to barrell through.
I'm finally taking a trip out to Wisconsin to see Angie this month. It's been exactly 5 years since I was last out there, and a lot has changed in 5 years. Angie is no longer w/ the fat, abusive oaf that she was shacked up w/ last time around--and in fact, she's settled down w/ a very sweet man and in 2 months will be giving birth to his child. I'm no longer in self(ish)-destruction-party-mode; drinking, snorting, injecting, and smoking my way into oblivion. Nor am I in the co-dependent obsessive relationship I was in 5 years ago. We've both grown up (sort of).
In the back of my mind, I'm making plans to perhaps move out there sometime in the near future. I haven't spoken of this to anyone for fear it may send everyone (mostly my family) into a tail-spin. I promised myself some time ago that I wouldn't leave New York until my sweet Gran passed away, but as I'm getting older now (nearing 25) I feel like if I don't do what my gut tells me to (leave New York, start anew) I will run the risk of being severely unhappy for many more years to come. I'm tired of being unhappy. I'm wasting what's supposed to be the best years of my life in a place where I am constantly being scrutinized, where I know I will never be happy...no matter what...
and what is "happy"? No, it's not walking around day-to-day w/ a big smile glued to my face, and laughing @ everything. To me, happiness is internal. It's a calm that comes over the soul. It's peace of mind. It's something that cannot be forced or faked. It's just something that occurs when you finally heave a sigh of relief because a huge weight of bullshit has fallen off your back...and here, there's too much bullshit and there always will be as long as I'm here...so, I think I may go (for good). I dunno.
***
I do feel this commitment, however, to certain people, and to my job. I was offered a promotion by my bosses not too long ago--which I've yet to accept or decline. This promotion would pretty much put me @ the top of my game; more money and more responsibilty. I have not accepted it because, to me, this puts me in a position where I feel like I'll be depended on far too much, therefore making me feel trapped @ a job that I never intended to make a career out of. Yet, I have not declined it because @ this job I am in the comfort zone; I know I'm the star and I know that they know I'm the star. I've given nearly 2 years of my life to these people and to leave them would feel more like a divorce than a resignation. On the other hand, this "marriage" sort of feels like it's coming to an end anyhow. There's no real spark anymore. I want to cheat. I want to leave.
And I feel a commitment towards my family. Should I leave them, I'll be taking Gran's sunshine away. She'll be heartbroken. I'll be leaving my best friend/worst enemy (my brother, Damon) behind. He'll be alone, and lonely. I won't be around to watch my nephew grow up. He'll forget who I am.
And my friends...luckily, I have none...in the 4 years that I've been back in New York, I have not made (m)any bonds and the bonds that existed when I grew up here, before my 7-year stint in Texas, have all been broken. So, there are no pals, or boyfriends, or girlies to give me a guilt trip about running away...there are only aquaintences and booty-calls--none of which I honestly care about.
hmm, running away. Can I "run away" @ 24? I guess I can. The only difference is that I can do it legally and the cops won't be hot on my trail like when I ran away @ 15...and 16...and 17...Now I can do whatever I want, and what I've been wanting to do always gets put on the back-burner. Everyone else's wants and needs have taken center stage in my play. My life has been just a spin-off of everyone else's primetime drama's.
***
But, what's in Wisconsin? Lot's of cheese, is my guess. Is there even one gay guy in the whole state? Well, there will be. Is my dream job warming up somewhere in the bitter cold there? Perhaps...but I won't hold my breath. The only breath I want to take is one of fresh air (nevermind the cow manure).
Whatever happens happens. I have no great expectations. I don't even know if my secret plan will come to fruition. For now, I'm content w/ taking a full week off from work and hanging out w/ pot-bellied Angie hundreds of miles away from home.
.d.
I'M FREE! FREE @ LAST!!
I actually used l.j. more when I wasn't paying for it. For the past 365 days of my paid account, I've probably only used it for 15 of those days. I guess I just like things better when I'm not being charged for it.
***
2004 has already shown promise. I've been more calm since the year has begun. The little things in life that've scared me or stressed me out for every year before this one now just appears to be obstacles and challenges to overcome, and I'm cultivating the motivation; the drive to barrell through.
I'm finally taking a trip out to Wisconsin to see Angie this month. It's been exactly 5 years since I was last out there, and a lot has changed in 5 years. Angie is no longer w/ the fat, abusive oaf that she was shacked up w/ last time around--and in fact, she's settled down w/ a very sweet man and in 2 months will be giving birth to his child. I'm no longer in self(ish)-destruction-party-mode; drinking, snorting, injecting, and smoking my way into oblivion. Nor am I in the co-dependent obsessive relationship I was in 5 years ago. We've both grown up (sort of).
In the back of my mind, I'm making plans to perhaps move out there sometime in the near future. I haven't spoken of this to anyone for fear it may send everyone (mostly my family) into a tail-spin. I promised myself some time ago that I wouldn't leave New York until my sweet Gran passed away, but as I'm getting older now (nearing 25) I feel like if I don't do what my gut tells me to (leave New York, start anew) I will run the risk of being severely unhappy for many more years to come. I'm tired of being unhappy. I'm wasting what's supposed to be the best years of my life in a place where I am constantly being scrutinized, where I know I will never be happy...no matter what...
and what is "happy"? No, it's not walking around day-to-day w/ a big smile glued to my face, and laughing @ everything. To me, happiness is internal. It's a calm that comes over the soul. It's peace of mind. It's something that cannot be forced or faked. It's just something that occurs when you finally heave a sigh of relief because a huge weight of bullshit has fallen off your back...and here, there's too much bullshit and there always will be as long as I'm here...so, I think I may go (for good). I dunno.
***
I do feel this commitment, however, to certain people, and to my job. I was offered a promotion by my bosses not too long ago--which I've yet to accept or decline. This promotion would pretty much put me @ the top of my game; more money and more responsibilty. I have not accepted it because, to me, this puts me in a position where I feel like I'll be depended on far too much, therefore making me feel trapped @ a job that I never intended to make a career out of. Yet, I have not declined it because @ this job I am in the comfort zone; I know I'm the star and I know that they know I'm the star. I've given nearly 2 years of my life to these people and to leave them would feel more like a divorce than a resignation. On the other hand, this "marriage" sort of feels like it's coming to an end anyhow. There's no real spark anymore. I want to cheat. I want to leave.
And I feel a commitment towards my family. Should I leave them, I'll be taking Gran's sunshine away. She'll be heartbroken. I'll be leaving my best friend/worst enemy (my brother, Damon) behind. He'll be alone, and lonely. I won't be around to watch my nephew grow up. He'll forget who I am.
And my friends...luckily, I have none...in the 4 years that I've been back in New York, I have not made (m)any bonds and the bonds that existed when I grew up here, before my 7-year stint in Texas, have all been broken. So, there are no pals, or boyfriends, or girlies to give me a guilt trip about running away...there are only aquaintences and booty-calls--none of which I honestly care about.
hmm, running away. Can I "run away" @ 24? I guess I can. The only difference is that I can do it legally and the cops won't be hot on my trail like when I ran away @ 15...and 16...and 17...Now I can do whatever I want, and what I've been wanting to do always gets put on the back-burner. Everyone else's wants and needs have taken center stage in my play. My life has been just a spin-off of everyone else's primetime drama's.
***
But, what's in Wisconsin? Lot's of cheese, is my guess. Is there even one gay guy in the whole state? Well, there will be. Is my dream job warming up somewhere in the bitter cold there? Perhaps...but I won't hold my breath. The only breath I want to take is one of fresh air (nevermind the cow manure).
Whatever happens happens. I have no great expectations. I don't even know if my secret plan will come to fruition. For now, I'm content w/ taking a full week off from work and hanging out w/ pot-bellied Angie hundreds of miles away from home.
.d.