Rainy days and mondays always get me down.
Ok, so it isn't Monday, but for all I can remember, it might have been when I started this. Hopefully the fourth time is also a charm, because I've tried to update my journal three other times before this, but after my first entry. Since the first entry is the only one around, you know how successful I was. The first time my friend/roommate said across the computers, "Lets play Age of Empires together." Of curse I crashed. Then I accidentally closed the window on the second one, before hitting the update journal button. The third time my friend sits down at the computer to try to download a client for me. I tell him he has his own computer, and to leave mine alone, the download can wait. He tries to close the window, and closes my update. That one and the one before it were both started when it was raining, hence the subject line.
Anyway. The friend also happens to be the father of my four kids. A lot of crazy stuff is also happening now. He and I have been on again off again for about eight years. Some may ask why I let this go on. Well, I had my time for going out with who I chose, when I chose to. When we met he was younger. He hadn't gone through that a whole lot, and I think he needed to. I know for certain I never wanted him to say I was responsible for him missing out on something in his life. So I waited and bided my time, every time. I always knew in my heart he'd come back, and he always did. But not this time. This time he says he's sorry for messing up my life. This time he says we weren't ever supposed to be more than friends. It hurts me more than I can bear to think about. I lost my mom when I was five. I always said I'd give anything to have just a few more moments with her, as an adult, just to talk or hug her, or whatever. I was wrong, I wouldn't trade my kids or the good times with him for even having her back for good. I know she'd understand and agree. Maybe once upon a time this stuff shouldn't have happened. But this is now, and it did. I was there to help him pick up the pieces when his ex left him the first time, and the second, and now the third. I was there to help him for all the others, too. Way back when, I doubted, and cheated on him. It happened a few times, and with different people. If it were anyone else, I would have run off before ties got this strong. I would have run away from the whole situation long before I had kids. Except it was different, and he was different. He still tried. He still loved me. Now I don't know what's happening. I don't know what to do. I sat last night and listened to Train's "Drops of Jupiter", and "November Rain" by Guns N' Roses. I tried to get Melissa Etheridge's "I'm the Only One" and "Like the Way I Do". I had to settle for the lyrics of the other two. Why is it that when you find someone you're willing to give up so much for, it doesn't ever work out the way it should. Someone, anyone, PLEASE, tell me if you know of a couple who is a true love story. Where they tried and had troubles, but it all worked out anyway. Or they never had problems. Does mutual love really happen, or is J-Giles right at the beginning of "Love Stinks"? Should I give up now and aim no higher than the house full of cats on my lap as I sit in the rocking chair? Were the last eight years really so hopeless and pointless? Or should I hold onto the hope that if I can get myself to a healthy place (physically as well as emotionally), that I will find love, maybe even with my best friend and sometime lover, who just happens to have given me four wonderful children? I just don't know. Last night, he went out on a date with a girl I don't trust, who definitely has designs, and someone I didn't trust even before she showed interest in him. Maybe it is paranoia, and I really am just jealous, but I don't know. I feel like I could drown in I don't knows. Oh, well. I'm gonna stop here, partly for running out of steam, and partly for not wanting to lose this entry, too.
Deb
Anyway. The friend also happens to be the father of my four kids. A lot of crazy stuff is also happening now. He and I have been on again off again for about eight years. Some may ask why I let this go on. Well, I had my time for going out with who I chose, when I chose to. When we met he was younger. He hadn't gone through that a whole lot, and I think he needed to. I know for certain I never wanted him to say I was responsible for him missing out on something in his life. So I waited and bided my time, every time. I always knew in my heart he'd come back, and he always did. But not this time. This time he says he's sorry for messing up my life. This time he says we weren't ever supposed to be more than friends. It hurts me more than I can bear to think about. I lost my mom when I was five. I always said I'd give anything to have just a few more moments with her, as an adult, just to talk or hug her, or whatever. I was wrong, I wouldn't trade my kids or the good times with him for even having her back for good. I know she'd understand and agree. Maybe once upon a time this stuff shouldn't have happened. But this is now, and it did. I was there to help him pick up the pieces when his ex left him the first time, and the second, and now the third. I was there to help him for all the others, too. Way back when, I doubted, and cheated on him. It happened a few times, and with different people. If it were anyone else, I would have run off before ties got this strong. I would have run away from the whole situation long before I had kids. Except it was different, and he was different. He still tried. He still loved me. Now I don't know what's happening. I don't know what to do. I sat last night and listened to Train's "Drops of Jupiter", and "November Rain" by Guns N' Roses. I tried to get Melissa Etheridge's "I'm the Only One" and "Like the Way I Do". I had to settle for the lyrics of the other two. Why is it that when you find someone you're willing to give up so much for, it doesn't ever work out the way it should. Someone, anyone, PLEASE, tell me if you know of a couple who is a true love story. Where they tried and had troubles, but it all worked out anyway. Or they never had problems. Does mutual love really happen, or is J-Giles right at the beginning of "Love Stinks"? Should I give up now and aim no higher than the house full of cats on my lap as I sit in the rocking chair? Were the last eight years really so hopeless and pointless? Or should I hold onto the hope that if I can get myself to a healthy place (physically as well as emotionally), that I will find love, maybe even with my best friend and sometime lover, who just happens to have given me four wonderful children? I just don't know. Last night, he went out on a date with a girl I don't trust, who definitely has designs, and someone I didn't trust even before she showed interest in him. Maybe it is paranoia, and I really am just jealous, but I don't know. I feel like I could drown in I don't knows. Oh, well. I'm gonna stop here, partly for running out of steam, and partly for not wanting to lose this entry, too.
Deb