"You just want to doodle a Christian girl and you killed God's only son"
I almost never post song lyrics, but I'm going to make an exception after reading that Kinky Friedman, possibly the most sarcastic man in Texas, is running for governor under the slogan "Why the hell not?" The UK Independent, of all places, has a great story about this:
Kinky, a good ol' cigar-chomping, Jewish cowboy, might soon be running Texas
To give those of you who have never heard him, let alone met him, an idea of the humor value of his actually becoming governor of Texas, here are the lyrics to some of his more notorious songs.
"They Ain't Makin' Jews Like Jesus Anymore"
Well, a redneck nerd in a bowling shirt was a-guzzlin' lone star beer
Talking religion and-uh politics for all the world to hear.
"They oughta send you back to Russia, boy, or New York City one.
You just want to doodle a Christian girl and you killed God's only son."
I said, "Has it occurred to you, you nerd, that that's not very nice,
We Jews believe it was Santa Claus that killed Jesus Christ."
"You know, you don't look Jewish," he said, "near as i could figger
I had you lamped for a slightly anemic, well-dressed country nigger."
No, they ain't makin' Jews like Jesus anymore,
They don't turn the other cheek the way they done before.
He started in to shoutin' and a-spittin' on the floor,
"Lord, they ain't makin' Jews like Jesus anymore."
He says, "I ain't a racist but Aristitle Onassis is one greek we don't need.
And them niggers, Jews and sigma nus, all they ever do is breed.
And wops 'n micks 'n slopes 'n spics 'n spooks are on my list
And there's one little hebe from the heart of Texas -- is there anyone I missed?"
Well, I hits him with everything I had right square between the eyes.
I says, "I'm gonna gitcha, you son of a bitch ya, for spoutin' that pack of lies.
If there's one thing i can't abide, it's an ethnocentric racist;
Now you take back that thing you said 'bout Aristitle Onassis."
No, they ain't makin' Jews like Jesus anymore,
We don't turn the other cheek the way we done before.
You could hear that honky holler as he hit that hardwood floor
Lord, they sho' ain't makin' Jews like Jesus anymore!
All right!
No, they ain't makin' Jews like Jesus anymore,
We don't turn the other cheek the way they done before.
You hear that honky holler as he hit that hardwood floor
Lord, they ain't makin' Jews like Jesus anymore.
Everybody!
They ain't makin' Jews like Jesus anymore,
They ain't makin' carpenters who know what nails are for.
Well, the whole damn place was singin' as I strolled right out the door
"Lord, they ain't makin' Jews like Jesus anymore!"
No, we ain't makin' Jews like Jesus anymore,
We don't turn the other cheek the way they done before.
Well, the whole damn place was singin' as I strolled right out the door
"Lord, they ain't makin' jews like jesus anymore!"
"Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed"
You uppity women i don't understand
Why you gotta go and try to act like a man,
But before you make your weekly visit to the shrink
You'd better occupy the kitchen, liberate the sink.
Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in the bed
That's what I to my baby said,
Women's liberation is a-going to your head,
Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in the bed.
Early every morning you're out on the street
Passing out pamphlets to everyone you meet.
You gave up your maiden form for lent
And now the front of your dress has an air scoop vent.
Every single brakeman that's ever come along
Had a little woman always tellin' him that he's wrong.
Eve said to Adam, "Here's an apple you horse."
And Delilah defoliated Samson's moss.
Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in the bed
That's what I to my baby said,
Women's liberation is a-going to your head,
Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in the bed.
Mean-hearted harpies are breaking all the laws
Tearing up their girdles and a-burning up their bras,
Now the air is dirty and the sex is clean
And your coffee makes my hair turn green.
So damn emancipated in your mind and your body,
Gonna have to cancel all your lessons in karate.
If you can't love a male chauvinist
You'd better cross me off your shopping list.
Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in the bed
That's what I to my baby said,
Women's liberation is a-going to your head,
Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in the bed.
"Asshole From El Paso"
We don't have no lovin's in El Paso
We don't go to porno picture shows
We don't swap our wives with our neighbors
And we keep our kids away from Mexico.
And i'm proud to be an asshole from El Paso
A place where sweet young virgins are deflowered.
You walk down the street knee-deep in tacos
Ta-ta-ta-tacos
And the wetbacks still get twenty cents an hour.
We don't wipe our asses on old glory,
God and lone star beer are things we trust.
We keep our women virgins till they're married
So hosin' sheep is good enough for us.
Kinky, a good ol' cigar-chomping, Jewish cowboy, might soon be running Texas
To give those of you who have never heard him, let alone met him, an idea of the humor value of his actually becoming governor of Texas, here are the lyrics to some of his more notorious songs.
"They Ain't Makin' Jews Like Jesus Anymore"
Well, a redneck nerd in a bowling shirt was a-guzzlin' lone star beer
Talking religion and-uh politics for all the world to hear.
"They oughta send you back to Russia, boy, or New York City one.
You just want to doodle a Christian girl and you killed God's only son."
I said, "Has it occurred to you, you nerd, that that's not very nice,
We Jews believe it was Santa Claus that killed Jesus Christ."
"You know, you don't look Jewish," he said, "near as i could figger
I had you lamped for a slightly anemic, well-dressed country nigger."
No, they ain't makin' Jews like Jesus anymore,
They don't turn the other cheek the way they done before.
He started in to shoutin' and a-spittin' on the floor,
"Lord, they ain't makin' Jews like Jesus anymore."
He says, "I ain't a racist but Aristitle Onassis is one greek we don't need.
And them niggers, Jews and sigma nus, all they ever do is breed.
And wops 'n micks 'n slopes 'n spics 'n spooks are on my list
And there's one little hebe from the heart of Texas -- is there anyone I missed?"
Well, I hits him with everything I had right square between the eyes.
I says, "I'm gonna gitcha, you son of a bitch ya, for spoutin' that pack of lies.
If there's one thing i can't abide, it's an ethnocentric racist;
Now you take back that thing you said 'bout Aristitle Onassis."
No, they ain't makin' Jews like Jesus anymore,
We don't turn the other cheek the way we done before.
You could hear that honky holler as he hit that hardwood floor
Lord, they sho' ain't makin' Jews like Jesus anymore!
All right!
No, they ain't makin' Jews like Jesus anymore,
We don't turn the other cheek the way they done before.
You hear that honky holler as he hit that hardwood floor
Lord, they ain't makin' Jews like Jesus anymore.
Everybody!
They ain't makin' Jews like Jesus anymore,
They ain't makin' carpenters who know what nails are for.
Well, the whole damn place was singin' as I strolled right out the door
"Lord, they ain't makin' Jews like Jesus anymore!"
No, we ain't makin' Jews like Jesus anymore,
We don't turn the other cheek the way they done before.
Well, the whole damn place was singin' as I strolled right out the door
"Lord, they ain't makin' jews like jesus anymore!"
"Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed"
You uppity women i don't understand
Why you gotta go and try to act like a man,
But before you make your weekly visit to the shrink
You'd better occupy the kitchen, liberate the sink.
Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in the bed
That's what I to my baby said,
Women's liberation is a-going to your head,
Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in the bed.
Early every morning you're out on the street
Passing out pamphlets to everyone you meet.
You gave up your maiden form for lent
And now the front of your dress has an air scoop vent.
Every single brakeman that's ever come along
Had a little woman always tellin' him that he's wrong.
Eve said to Adam, "Here's an apple you horse."
And Delilah defoliated Samson's moss.
Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in the bed
That's what I to my baby said,
Women's liberation is a-going to your head,
Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in the bed.
Mean-hearted harpies are breaking all the laws
Tearing up their girdles and a-burning up their bras,
Now the air is dirty and the sex is clean
And your coffee makes my hair turn green.
So damn emancipated in your mind and your body,
Gonna have to cancel all your lessons in karate.
If you can't love a male chauvinist
You'd better cross me off your shopping list.
Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in the bed
That's what I to my baby said,
Women's liberation is a-going to your head,
Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in the bed.
"Asshole From El Paso"
We don't have no lovin's in El Paso
We don't go to porno picture shows
We don't swap our wives with our neighbors
And we keep our kids away from Mexico.
And i'm proud to be an asshole from El Paso
A place where sweet young virgins are deflowered.
You walk down the street knee-deep in tacos
Ta-ta-ta-tacos
And the wetbacks still get twenty cents an hour.
We don't wipe our asses on old glory,
God and lone star beer are things we trust.
We keep our women virgins till they're married
So hosin' sheep is good enough for us.