Holy jinkies it's been a long time
Well, I'm back... again.
I've been feeling blue for quite a while, and I realized that writing really helped me before... Just helps to get it out, ya know?
Post graduation life has been rough. It has taken a toll on my self esteem. I'd like to blame it on a number of things (ie. men, bad luck with cars, reaaally bad luck with jobs), but really none of those things should bring me down this much.
I hate that every person that I've met since I graduated hasn't really seen my real personality. I've been fearful of everything lately. Also, I am definitely not as positive as I used to be, at least when it comes to myself.
My mom tells me all the time I'm too hard on myself. I guess I should try and listen to her for a change.
I'm in the process of getting my life together. I'm looking for another job, and if I can't find something full time, I'm going to get a part-time job working at least 2 short shifts a week as well as keeping this job. It's just going to be until I can pay some of my bills. I've been falling behind lately because of stupid hours being cut at work, which is why I am looking for another job.
The thing about being fearful: Yes, I've been a chicken for most of my life; however, I had a new philosophy around the middle of sophomore year which was to not be afraid to try new things. This led me to my decision to join ZTA, which I think made me a million times better as a person. It gave me so much more confidence, and yes, I've had my doubts about myself as all people do, but for the most part I was very happy :)
And I'm not saying that I'm not happy with my life. I have come such a long way since high school when I hated myself and just about everyone around me. I have amazing friends, an awesome mom, I have a job that keeps me from living at home where I would probably be miserable, and an apartment that, although it is very 70s, is actually really nice. I've just been sad more often.
I think my problem has been that I've been too dependent on other people to make me happy. And I know that doesn't work because I learned that a LONG LONG time ago. Guess I just need a reminder. Hmm...
This week has been tough. I realized I didn't get paid enough last week to cover the rest of my bills for the month, so I freaked out... A LOT. I hate asking for money, and I hate it even more when my mom offers me money... She gave me some today, and my dad started bitching at her, so I handed him the check right back and told him to keep it. But my mom got it out of his hands before he complained anymore. She mentioned to him that he pays my brother's car payment every month, and my brother never pays them back, so my dad was quiet about it for the rest of the day.
I was also very freaked out by my GRE because I did horribly again... maybe even worse than the last time I took it, and I studied this time! So, I cried a good bit over that, and even though I'm still pretty mad about it, I don't think I have any more energy or tears to cry over it anymore lol.
Other than that it's the usual... but I'm done talking about that, so I'll spare you the agony of reading it.
Phew, I'm already in a much better mood than when I started this entry at 7pm. Woot.
Well, I am now officially bored at work. More later perhaps.
I've been feeling blue for quite a while, and I realized that writing really helped me before... Just helps to get it out, ya know?
Post graduation life has been rough. It has taken a toll on my self esteem. I'd like to blame it on a number of things (ie. men, bad luck with cars, reaaally bad luck with jobs), but really none of those things should bring me down this much.
I hate that every person that I've met since I graduated hasn't really seen my real personality. I've been fearful of everything lately. Also, I am definitely not as positive as I used to be, at least when it comes to myself.
My mom tells me all the time I'm too hard on myself. I guess I should try and listen to her for a change.
I'm in the process of getting my life together. I'm looking for another job, and if I can't find something full time, I'm going to get a part-time job working at least 2 short shifts a week as well as keeping this job. It's just going to be until I can pay some of my bills. I've been falling behind lately because of stupid hours being cut at work, which is why I am looking for another job.
The thing about being fearful: Yes, I've been a chicken for most of my life; however, I had a new philosophy around the middle of sophomore year which was to not be afraid to try new things. This led me to my decision to join ZTA, which I think made me a million times better as a person. It gave me so much more confidence, and yes, I've had my doubts about myself as all people do, but for the most part I was very happy :)
And I'm not saying that I'm not happy with my life. I have come such a long way since high school when I hated myself and just about everyone around me. I have amazing friends, an awesome mom, I have a job that keeps me from living at home where I would probably be miserable, and an apartment that, although it is very 70s, is actually really nice. I've just been sad more often.
I think my problem has been that I've been too dependent on other people to make me happy. And I know that doesn't work because I learned that a LONG LONG time ago. Guess I just need a reminder. Hmm...
This week has been tough. I realized I didn't get paid enough last week to cover the rest of my bills for the month, so I freaked out... A LOT. I hate asking for money, and I hate it even more when my mom offers me money... She gave me some today, and my dad started bitching at her, so I handed him the check right back and told him to keep it. But my mom got it out of his hands before he complained anymore. She mentioned to him that he pays my brother's car payment every month, and my brother never pays them back, so my dad was quiet about it for the rest of the day.
I was also very freaked out by my GRE because I did horribly again... maybe even worse than the last time I took it, and I studied this time! So, I cried a good bit over that, and even though I'm still pretty mad about it, I don't think I have any more energy or tears to cry over it anymore lol.
Other than that it's the usual... but I'm done talking about that, so I'll spare you the agony of reading it.
Phew, I'm already in a much better mood than when I started this entry at 7pm. Woot.
Well, I am now officially bored at work. More later perhaps.