Trying this new thing called, "Be nice to yourself."

Jul 11, 2007 06:34

First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIMI!! (Yesterday :-P)

I realize it's been 13 weeks since my last post. LJ was kind enough to remind me of that. I think senior thesis sucked the will to write out of me, and I hated that thesis so much so maybe it kind of took the belief that I could write as well. I have found that for me, writing is therapy. I write out all of my thoughts and try to get them straight, and even if I am still confused at the end, I always feel better.

And it's not that I feel bad necessarily. I'm just trying to figure out this thing we call dating. I keep putting myself down, telling myself that I'll never be good enough for anyone. I'm seeing this guy now, who is great, but I keep telling myself that he's going to start ignoring me any minute. And now I've become so attached that it scares me. Let me see if I can explain it.

I like him, but I keep pointing out little things that may or may not be signs that he doesn't like me. For example, I was really worried when he didn't call me back yesterday... He was sleeping. That may sound a little obsessive lol but anyway...

I went on a run this morning, which helped clear my mind a little. I was thinking, is dating really worth all the trouble? I mean, guys have screwed with my head so many times that I think I've become a sort of commitment-phobe. Once it starts getting serious, I look for reasons not to be with someone even though I want to be with them. You wait for a nice guy to come around, and when he does come around, you tell yourself that he doesn't really want you because that's what all of the other ones did.

Maybe we could stick all those bad guys in a bubble where they would learn from their mistakes, but a different kind of bubble from the one they really do live in where perfect girls are thin, pretty all the time, and will have sex with them any time they want. Then maybe they would screw all of us nice girls up.

And how can we be sure if our insecure feelings are really insecurity or intuition? I have always told myself that I have a good intuition, I just don't always trust it. Am I doing this because I am always hard on myself, or am I doing it because I really know that something is going to happen?

As the subject line says, for now, I'm going to be nice to myself. I haven't really been in a while. I mean, I've come a long way, as I always say, but I still doubt myself a lot. I haven't been taking care of myself, which is why I started running this morning.

And the run is the reason why I started thinking about the stupid dating situation.

How long do you date again before you have "the talk" about it being something more serious, more exclusive? I'm comfortable with what we have. I am just worried that he is going to go away and find someone else. Ugh, it's a vicious cycle.

The other day I told him about this guy who won't stop calling me, even though I told his sister in the beginning that I didn't want to go out with him because it would be weird. He said, "Just tell him you already have a guy." And I said, "I will." He looked shocked.

Why am I walking on egg shells suddenly? I'm afraid that anything I say or do will make him run away. We've talked about things before, but now I'm afraid to bring anything up.

Growl. I ask again... is it really worth it?

Maybe this is just my period speaking...

Please forgive my scattered thoughts.
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