Grandparents raising grandchildren: some notes
c/p from FB, with added bits after.
Zia Nuray
April 4 at 6:01 PM ·
Public
For people raising their grandchildren, their nieces and nephews, anything like that, here's a couple of things to keep in mind: they're going to remember what you tell them. They're going to remember how you act. They're going to remember every time you tell him that you're such a good person for taking them in. They will remember every time you tell him that the social worker will come get them and take them back and put them in a foster home if they do this or that or the other harmless thing that you just don't want to be bothered with letting them do. Every time you compare them unfavorably to the parent that isn't taking care of them for whatever reason. They're going to remember that. They're going to remember that for at least 50 years and that's going to make an impact. They will feel unworthy. They will feel like a burden and an inconvenience. They will know they f*cking owe you. And they will resent it.
And, in case you are wondering, just at this moment I am slightly less than OK.
*****************************************************************************************
This was induced by a couple of women I work with mentioning on IM that they were raising their grandkids and the flood of "OMG you're an angel, you're a saint, etc" from almost everyone else.
I was so unprepared for life-after-18.
OMG.
Church, home, school. No extracurriculars. I was allowed to date BUT if even 30 sec late it was a disaster. Get a flat tire? get it fixed then go find a payphone even though it would have been 5 minutes late to just get home than take the extra 10 minutes to get to a phone, etc.
Don't even ask if you can go to a daytime girls-only party Saturday afternoon b/c we're not driving you. "It's on the city bus route, I can --" I SAID NO. YOU WANT THE SOCIAL WORKER TO COME GET YOU WHEN SHE HEARS ABOUT IT? SHE'LL SEND YOU RIGHT BACK TO JOHN AND VIRGINIA. What do you want to bet would have happened if I asked "How would she hear about it?"
Mom and Uncle Vic learned to drive before 16 and Grampa helped them buy cars so they could get jobs, get back and forth to school, etc., when they were legal to drive. I didn't have a car until I was moved out, in the Army, and married. I could either mow lawns (with the homeowner's mower) or clean (only for people my folks knew well and approved of) or they could drive me to a paycheck job and lay on the guilt about that. I suggested that I get a car or a Vespa and was told if I did that I would move out immediately. And then they would send THE SOCIAL WORKER to swoop me up and toss me into foster care (at 17).
I don't know why I so believed them about the social worker. Ms. Williams was not scary, but she was an authority figure, and I guess I thought all authority figures were the same. Maybe they are.
The last couple of years I started stretching a bit even against their protests. Sometimes I'd call from the corner shop after the school bus dropped me off and say I was taking the city bus to the library. Most times I would, but once in awhile I'd take it to the end of it's route then back just to be away. Or to the mall. To this day I don't know if that was a normal reaction.
**to be continued**