Saved - ot5
Title: Saved
Pairing: ot5
Rating: PG-13 (?)
Warning: Rape
Summary:Fill 1d angstmeme
One of the guards gets a little too “hands on” with Niall and it takes a long time for the other boys to correctly interpret Niall’s withdrawn behaviour. They all slowly get him comfortable with displays of physical affection again.
They didn’t see it, the way his eyes would followed him. He’d first seen him when Paul introduced them to some new bodyguard while eating lunch. They’d all introduced themselves with bright smiles, but his eyes were just too much focused on him. He shrugged it off, his mind telling him that he was just becoming delusional through the lack of sleep. In the end he could only be angry at himself for not listening to his natural instinct.
The easy going attitude about that look changed when the touches began. Fingertips brushing against his body, not creating the pleasant tingling when one of the boys touched him. Only fear and disgust creeping up his spine, he should have said something. Those words could have saved him so much. Dark eyes started haunting him in his dreams, when he was so scared, lonely and vulnerable, not protected by those around him. He didn’t even know his name.
His eyes burned slightly from sweat trickling down his face, muscles burning and adrenaline ran through his bloodstream. Their first real performance in America, it scared but also enthralled him that they’d become so big. Sometimes his mind wandered back to Mullingar, wondering how it would be, the chance that he indeed had stayed there for the rest of his life.
He didn’t see it, the boys had disappeared already and now he was alone. A calloused hand gripped his wrist, fingers leaving dark bruises that would be later a reminder, something that made him want to vomit with disgust and fear. A body pressing heavily against his, breath hitting his ear when the threats started. Don’t make a sound, or it will only hurt more.
In his mind he recalled the training they had gotten for the overly excited fangirls, or for other situations in the big crowds. But this was a man, and not just some small girl. He was a security guard, and built to handle bigger force, there wasn’t a chance that he could knock him down.
Don’t move, be quiet. Hands moving hastily over his body, polo being lifted but not removed. He still remembered how difficult it was, to hide his secret by wearing those clothes, show after show. A small thump made clear that the button of his trousers were gone. It was like he protected himself by closing his eyes, dark swallowing him up, so quiet. Later he wished that he had kept his eyes open, dark always recalling his shame, disgust, helplessness. A hand sneaking into his trousers, past his pants. You’ll like it, I know you will. The battle with his tears distracted him, he didn’t want to be weak, not in front of the blame for his torment.
A hand grabbing his dick, moving, exploring. So quick, dirty, all that was wrong. Despite his disgust he could feel himself hardening. He knew it was natural, still he would blame himself time after time. A sudden tug at his shoulder made him turn. You’ll feel it for weeks, you’ll remember me without a doubt. It felt like he bared his soul, the moment his trousers and pants pooled around his ankles. Years later he’d still feel the insecurity, skin so bare, but after that, also tainted with sin.
Two fingers disappeared roughly into him, a cry escaped him. This immediately lead to a hand covering his mouth, pressing hard. He kept holding onto the fact that the salt tears tracking down his face weren’t from him, being weak, just from physical pain.
Later he would recall his first moment of passing a mirror, blue eyes not so blue anymore. Blond hair suddenly so sallow, he changed into something more, but also to something less. Carrying a weight that would him drag till someone finally pulled him up to the surface
He felt the blunt head pressing against him, body freezing up from the warmth radiating of the man’s body. A few moments back he had still been performing. He’d never thought this could happen to him, instead of being a message in the paper.
As soon as he entered him he screamed. Slut, screaming for me like this.
So scared, don’t, stop, save me, no one would be able to hear his pleas. It ended all in blackness, body falling unconscious . Oh he could have fought with all his willpower, but every action only would have worsened.
Once somebody had told him to save it for the one, he had only laughed. Now he only wished he could have turned back time.
The first feeling he felt soon he back to the light was loneliness, after that the crippling pain followed. Knowing he would be a disgusting art work of black, blues and red for a while made him flinch.
Nononono, the urge to be clean was so overwhelming that he even fought the instinct to curl up from the pain.
A bark of laughter, manic with hysterics buried deep inside, escaped when he struggled up, making his way into the dressing room. He locked the door immediately, it was a safehouse for him, locks to keep him and his hurt alone. Shower cleaning him thoroughly, water turning a symbolic red, pink, clear. He, an always claimed so innocent, was now just as rotten as the rest of the world. The place in his heart where once love and affection had lived, already covered with dust, forgotten.
What he hadn’t expected was the fear that took over him once they sat in the car. His body was curled as close as possible to the door, like he wanted to disappear in it. It frightened him, that his mind, his body was frightened of his own bandmates, friends, brothers. He stayed silent the whole way back, every bump on the road making his body ache with an awful pain. They didn’t question it, he’d always been silent after a show. The adrenaline that coursed through him during the show, completely tiring him afterwards.
Suddenly a terrifying thought struck him, it was one of their bodyguards. He would see him show after show, crowd after crowd and how would he deal with that. His breathing quickened and his body completely tensed, he didn’t want to deal with this. Thoughts he never had, he didn’t want to have, taking his brain over. He knew he shouldn’t think like this, still he felt the urge to blame himself. He wouldn’t have done it if you didn’t deserve it, you’re the one to blame, fault, mistakes.
They all dragged themselves back to their rooms, one with a weight so much heavier than the rest.
Nightmares came, of course they did. The night eating him alive, surging towards his fear like a prey. After the first one he wanted to keep his eyes open, but once again they fell close and he got pulled into another one. In the morning he would silently thank some of the girls that worked them, for ignoring his protests when they wanted to learn him how to cover the bags under his eyes. It saved him time, nothing was wrong and he had already forgotten what had happened.
Daylight came, and instead of jumping like he usually would he had to drag himself up. Pulling his body away from the warm covers that made a safety blanket. Once again he found the urge to clean himself, the shower comforting him. Nothing was wrong.
His always so bright and boisterous laugh was now a forced movement, teeth showing, corners of his mouth pulling up. Eyes however not showing any stars and sparkles that came with this sound.
After three days his eyes only had become darker, sleep was a rare occurrence and it felt like he was completely numb. His mind constantly screamed to be left alone. These past days he’d gotten concerned looks from all four boys, following his movements with weary eyes. Deep inside he wanted to be saved, but in the end he felt like he was the one to blame, like somewhere destiny had thought it was what he deserved. He struggled to get through the performances, the clothes and reminders making him flinch and want to run away. But he managed, with a heart turning as cold as stone. He had never once thought he could feel like this, and in the end he found out it could be even worse.
Those dark eyes followed him when they came backstage, tracing lines that felt like barbed wire over his body. It was pure instinct, the need to find protection, when he clanged onto Liam. And in that moment he didn’t feel the need to run away from his touch. Liam’s arms protected him from what his biggest torturer could do, protecting him from the outside world. In that moment he wished that he could stay there, kept save, calm and mostly sane by those arms.
He could see, as soon as he looked up, that Liam knew something was wrong. Brown eyes so concerned looking and wide that it almost made him spill his secret. But he knew he couldn’t, because he didn’t know yet if they would blame him, be disgusted from him. He couldn’t lose his brothers, they made him feel at home like he’d never felt before. So he just shrugged and buried his nose into Liam’s neck. ‘This show was amazing don’t you think?’
Liam hummed and pulled him along into the dressing room, he would be fine, he could save himself. But he knew it would cost him so much, that he’d never be fully alright. He didn’t know yet that soon the end would come.
He had flinched, not just from an unknown touch. No, he had shrunk away from Harry touching his shoulder. He didn’t know what to do to hide away from those curious glances. He didn’t want to react that way, but the nightmares kept coming and slowly his body started acting completely on his own. Moving and jumping away from every sort of physical contact.
He knew he was at his breaking point, but he couldn’t remember how to ask from saving. It was sad that he needed to be saved from himself.
Slowly those moments increased, him ducking away from arms trying to swing over his shoulder. Body moving with a shock when an unexpected touch hit his body. They all kept eyeing him warily, clearly not sure what they should do, or ask. In his mind a plan already had formed, and he tried to act as much as possibly on that. It couldn’t happen when he wasn’t there so he hid in his hotelroom as soon as they arrived on each venue and tried to avoid everyone he knew.
It didn’t work, of course it didn’t work. They kept eyeing him and their mouths moved, but words were kept inside. He tried to avoid any moment that could give them the opportunity to ask something. He couldn’t comprehend everything by his self and he didn’t want them to know. How guilt and self-hatred was consuming him, nightmares keeping him awake and darkness eating him away. He couldn’t possibly drag them along over the dark road that had become his life.
In the end it went all wrong when they heard there weren’t enough rooms to occupy them all, it was even worse, there was only one room left with two king size beds. No one opted to search for another hotel. Everyone felt the tiredness nestled deep in their bones, and the need to sleep grew with the second. Except for him, he knew nightmares would come back, the last few nights he didn’t even try to sleep, he was too scared.
In a few minutes they were all settled, Harry, Louis and Liam settled in one of the beds. He couldn’t even see which leg belonged to who. Zayn just pulled him on the other bed. ‘Sleep.’
And he listened, just because he couldn’t deal with his own mind anymore. The urge to cry, breakdown and beg for help strongly pulling at his heart. But he couldn’t, shouldn’t. So he rolled to the edge of the bed and tried to avoid any form of physical contact. Eyes closing and mind clouding, dragging him into another world.
Hands touching him, too many. His eyes started to tear up while thousand black, dark eyes kept following him through space. A hand on his body made him cry, not able to move his paralyzed body. Hands shaking him, words barely reaching his ears. Another touch and he woke up with a startled cry.
Brown orbs looking panicked at him was the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes with a cry.
The choice between clinging to the other boy or running was made in a split second. He darted over to the corner of the room and sank down with a soft thump, arms hugging his legs. As of he was trying to keep his body a whole.
They all stared at him, mouth agape and eyes wide. The first movement began when is body started shaking more and sobs filled the quiet air. An arm slung over his shoulder and he got pulled into several arms. He didn’t try to move away. His mind and body had given up and all he wanted to do was spill this all-consuming nightmare and feel loved again. So he did.
His mouth started moving and slowly words were spilled out. They didn’t speak, but at the end they all reacted. He told them the hatred, the guilt. His fear to be hated and not be loved anymore, so he pulled himself away, because he couldn’t, wouldn’t hurt his brothers.
Harry’s hands started shaking and softly curled next to Niall, not exactly knowing what to say but body language telling it all.
Zayn’s eyes became dark and an anger made him punch the wall, after that he sat quietly down and stared at a blank spot in front of him. Thoughts whizzing through his head.
Louis didn’t move, he kept his arm just a touch away from him and slowly he started to tremble. After a while he stood up and started pacing around the room.
Liam curled his arms around him, muttering comforting and soft words into his ear. Hoping it would all become better.
They all cried.
After that day everything came just a little brighter. The guard got fired and people made sure he’d never could get in their way again. The boys almost babied him. Constantly watching following him. And sometimes it irritated him, but they glued his body and heart piece by piece into a whole. He felt loved again. They slowly made him comfortable, cuddles on the cough. Hands resting on his kneed in interviews, fingers lingering against his body during shows. The clothes from their tour got thrown away and they all got an new outfit under the comment: ‘we all needed a new touch.’ Harry smiling brightly at Niall when he had said that to their stylist. Who looked already panicked at the thought that she needed to make sure they got all those new outfits.
Bodies curled up against him when it became dark and soft whispered songs pulled him slowly into a deep sleep. Some nights went by unnoticed, others were bad. Nights where he screamed, cried and shook with all that his body could handle.
And at some points it was hard. When his mind wandered back to darker places and everything became too much. But they were always there to save him. Slowly everything pulled a little into the right direction and everything shone just a bit brighter.