Coagulation (05/20)
So I didn't die. I was here all along, thinking about what a bad person I am. I really am very very sorry to all of those who continue to have faith in this fic. I have just started the new school year, and it came with a whole lot of new responsibilities. For those of you familiar with the Australian school system - I just started the HSC/VCE, to those of you who aren't - Last two years of school. Lots of stress. Lots of work. Lots of exams.
BUT I really want to make time for this fic, because really, I feel like it is my baby. I was very MIA in the fanfiction world for about 11 months, after I left my old fandom and entered kpop it was all very different and I didn't really pay any attention to fan fiction. I feel like Coagulation is my comeback, and it is a fic I hold very dearly, and I assure you that I want to see it to completion.
ALL THOSE READING THIS FIC, PLEASE READ THIS NOTE:
So, summer is on it's way and I only have a few weeks left of the school term before the 8 week summer break. I have been hit in the face with a lot of inspiration for Coagulation, but I have also been hit with ideas for two new fics, one will be short and very emo and titled Heaven's Postman. Three guesses as to where I got the idea from ;) and the second, which is as of yet untitled, is something I am really excited about. it will be AU, set in a University with JaeJoong as a student and YunHo as a teacher. I have had a lot of thought about it and I am thinking that it shall be my summer project. I don't want to put Coagulation onto a Hiatus, but it means that updates for this fic will be coming slower if I am working on the other one. Please give it just as much love as you have given this one!!
Thank you everyone for your patience, really, and I hope you're not too dissappointed with this Chapter. Personally? I hate it, but who knows! you might like it ;)
Thanks for reading!!
誰もが誰かに愛される為に
この世に命を煌(きらめ)かせるのさ
それがもしも僕なら もう一度君の心を
永遠(とわ)の優しさで 暖めるよ…
- Love In The Ice by Tohoshinki
“He kissed you? Just like that?” MinJong looked so eager, his voice was higher as he spoke, obviously excited. Jae smiled, nodding his head,
“He kissed me.” he replied.
“Then? Did he make some massive romantic gesture? Did he confess his undying love, and kiss you more?” MinJong asked, his voice hopeful. Jae just laughed and shook his head, his fingers entwining with each other in his lap,
“No... Not even close.” he said. MinJong raised an eyebrow, trying to make the elder man continue. “He freaked out. He kissed me so deeply, and with so much love, then began to completely freak. He was hyperventilating and rambling about shame, pride and confusal.” Jae's face looked gentle again, almost serene.
“He freaked out? He had a panic attack?” MinJong looked as if he was in a state of shock.
“You have to understand that he grew up in a world filled with a strict way of judging right and wrong. He was brought up Catholic, a religion opposed to homosexuality. No matter what he did, he was never good enough for his fathers pride, and all YunHo ever wanted was for his father to look at him with something other than dissappointment. He needed his father to be proud of him, and how could a homphobic man be proud of a gay son?” Jae asked, a bitter look in his eyes. “YunHo wasn't stupid. He knew that he loved me, and he knew that he wanted to love me... But he was confused... He didn't understand how to.”
“What did you do?” MinJong questioned, his eyes sympathetic.
“It was the second time I had ever seen YunHo look so fragile, and I was so terrified that I would break him. He was always so confident in everything, when I saw him like that... I didn't know what to do...” Jae's voice was soft. “So I did what he would have done for me. I took him to the roof and I held him while he cried. I held him tightly while he thought, and I spoke calming words until he could breathe again...”
Jae's fingers ran gently through the soft hair on YunHo's head as he held the younger so tenderly in his arms. YunHo's breathing was back to regular, and his tears slowing when the silence was broken,
“What will we do?” Was his simple question, as he pulled away from the man who held him in such a loving embrace. “I don't know what to do...” he said, his face contorting in pain.
“We don't have to do anything.” Jae replied, his fingers still tangled in the boy's hair, the touch seeming to calm him.
“But I want to do something.” YunHo replied, his eyes rising to meet Jae's. “JaeJoong-ah... I love you... I love you so much. I want to just curl up and hold you for the rest of my life. Whenever I see you, I want to kiss you, and touch you. I could listen to your voice for as long as I live. You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen in my life, and when you smile... It makes me weak.” YunHo gushed, his strong hand finding its way to his cheek, rubbing slow circles on the soft skin with the pad of his thumb. There were definite butterflies fluttering in Jae's stomach as YunHo words seeped in. “But how could we keep it secret? Both of us know that we can't do this publically. What would we say to ChangMin-ah? YooChun-ah? JunSu-yah? HeeChul-hyung, DongHae-yah and HyukJae-yah..? Our friends and family? The staff?” YunHo looked frazzled, his eyes darting around. “I know that SooMan-nim said it would be okay, but I... I can't be sure...” Jae looked at him, confused,
“What?” he asked, his brow furrowed. YunHo looked to the pavement below them, his full lips stretching across his uneven teeth as he began to bite the skin.
“When he asked to talk to me.. When we found out about Dong Bang Shin Ki. He said that he knew I loved you, and that he would protect it...” YunHo said, his voice quiet. “He said that he understood I couldn't help it, and that it shouldn't ruin my life... To think I had to live my life loving you and nevr acting upon it... I didn't even know that I loved you until then. I knew that you were amazing and beautiful, but I didn't understand what it was.” Jae's eyes were wide, Lee SooMan knew? Their feared CEO knew everything? “I guess I ran away. I was so scared of myself that I couldn't even look at you in fear of what I would come to realise.”
“So you pretended I wasn't there?” Jae hadn't realised the bitter tone in his voice until he saw YunHo wince,
“It was so wrong of me. Words cannot even say how sorry I am for what I have done, really and truly.” YunHo said, his voice pleading, “I'm not asking you to forgive me... But I am asking you to understand that I wasn't thinking...”
“What?” Jae asked, the fingers still wrapped in YunHo's hair stilled, “Of course I forgive you!” he said, chuckling, “I don't think I could stay mad at you.” he said, his fingers starting to move again. The silent minutes streached out as they sat there, content in the comfort of each other's company.
“JaeJoong-ah... I want us to be... I want us to be us. I want to be able to hold you, kiss you and touch you and not be scared of it.” YunHo said, a tone of finality in his voice. “I was brought up to be oposed to how I feel for you, but that is not something I could ever want. I am not letting my father's pride get in the way of how I feel for you, because you... You were there when he was about ready to disown me. You have never turned away from me...” YunHo's eyes were in searing contact with Jae's own. “I won't let whatever ideas he has put in my head get in the way of how I feel for you, because I am in love with you.” Jae smiled, his heart aching.
“If this is a dream I am going to kill myself.” was all Jae said in return. YunHo laughed, sitting up, placing a hand on the back of Jae's neck again, his thumb caressing the skin.
“I promise you, it isn't.” he didn't stop smiling when they kissed. YunHo wasn't sure if he would ever stop smiling now that he had Jae.
~
“Come in,” came a strong voice from the other side of the room. YunHo and Jae clutched each other's hands, giving each other the last second to back out before pushing the door open.
“Susang-nim.” they both said as they enered the room, bowing low. Lee SooMan looked up from the papers in his hands, his eyebrows raised,
“JaeJoong-ah, YunHo-yah...” he said, his eyes glancing down to their entwined hands. He smiled, “Please, take a seat.” he said, gesturing to the empty chairs opposite his own. The two teens quickly took them, “Now, why don't you both tell me why you are here?”
“We have come to for... For help.” YunHo said, trying to keep calm.
“I thought so.” SooMan said, with a nod of his head. “I must admit, it was very brave of you to come here, both of you. But then, what else could I possibly expect from my prize trainees?” he asked, a smile on his features. “Neither of you are stupid. You are both aware that this relationship would have disatrous consequences if found out. It would mean the end of your carrears, the end of Dong Bang Shin Ki... Maybe even the end of your lives.” At this SooMan gave them both a very serious look, “Youboth need to go into this knowing that you have the power to cause each others downfall. If what you have ends badly... He will have the power to destroy you.” SooMan said this directly at YunHo, shocking his slightly.
“I trust him...” YunHo said, his brow furrowed and the hand holding Jae's tightening. “I trust him.” SooMan paused, looking at YunHo for a long moment, his eyebrows furrowed and his face heard.
“Then I will protect you. I will personally make arrangements with your management and coordinators. I will assign only those I trust. When it comes to your trust... Only tell those you are certain will never tell another living soul. I expect you to act carefully, because if this gets out, it is not only your own carrears that are ending.” he finished, picking the papers before him up into his hands and looking them over again. “I have many arrangements to finalise, please return to your dorm.” YunHo and JaeJoong scrambled from their seats to the door, leaving the man to himself.
~
“Yah! ChangMin-ah!” JunSu whined as he lay down on the floor of the dance studio, the miscievous Maknae holding his waterbottle inches from his reach. “ChangMin-ah!” JunSu whined again, flapping his arms, but still refusing to move from his spot sprawled out on the floor.
“Say the magic word, Hyung.” ChangMin said in a sing song voice as he held the bottle just out of JunSu's reach. YooChun strolled nonchalantly across the room, hitting ChangMin over the head with his towel as he passed, causing the Maknae to drop the bottle as scowel. “You're such a party-pooper.” he pouted, causing the American to laugh.
“You can't make friends with torture, ChangMin-ah.” he said, giving the teen a pointed look.
“We've been working all day, let me have a little fun.” ChangMin laughed sneakily.
“Give your Hyung a rest, ChangMin-ah.” Jae said, from his spot leaning against the mirror as YooChun took a seat beside him. “I promsie to let you have your fun annoying JunSu tomorrow.”
“Yah! Hyung!” JunSu cried out as ChangMin began to snikker. JunSu's eyes narrowed as he leapt off the floor, chasing the Maknae around.
“I will get you, Shim ChangMin!” he yelled.The door of the studio pushed open and a very tired looking YunHo entered, his fingers touching his temples, his face looking pained. He slipped hisphone into his bag and went to sit beside Jae.
“Can you two please shut up? If you're just going to play and do no work then leave now!” the leader snapped. ChangMin and JunSu stopped running, their smiles dropping.
“Someone's cranky.” ChangMin said, cocking an eyebrow. YunHo just glared at him,
“Yah! No respect.” JunSu said quickly, hitting ChangMin in the head. The youngest grabbed his abused head and rubbed it,
“Aish, I was just saying.” he pouted.
“Are you okay?” Jae asked softly as the two began to bicker again. “You look like you're in pain.”
“It's just a headache.” YunHo replied, looking at the floor and continuing to rub at his temples. Jae smiled softly, pulling the leader's hands from his head and guiding the man down until his aching head rested in Jae's lap. Jae's fingers began to twine through YunHo's dark hair, rubbing gently against the scalp. YunHo began to hum softly, a serene expression on his face. As the two concertrated on one another, they didn't notice as the other members of the room stopped to look at them, eyebrows raised and questions raging through their minds.
“We should be training...” YunHo said softly, his exhausted body melting into Jae's arms.
“No. You're too tired and we have been training for nine solid hours already, today. You are going to relax or you'll hurt yourself.” the elder said, smiling gently down at YunHo as his fingers continued to work their magic.
“We'll never debut if we don't train... We'll be terible no one will like us.” YunHo said frantically., his eyes dartin as he began to struggle against Jae's hold. “My dad will never be proud of me.” Jae's heart sank as the real culprit for YunHo's exhaustion was revealed.
“We will debut, and we will be great. We will be famous and everyone will love us. But we will only make it if you get some rest.” Jae said, helping YunHo to his feet, gesturing for the three younger members to follow them as they left.
And Jae found himself silently praying that he was right.
~
Weeks passed following the same routine. Wake up, eat, train, break, train, eat, sleep, repeat. JaeJoong did't get a moment to himself in over a month, and more importantly, he didn't get a moment alone with YunHo. It wasn't that they didn't spend time together, they spent every waking hour by one another's side, but never out of the eye of the other members and the trainers. JaeJoong so often wanted to reach out and hold YunHo, and he knew that the leader felt the same... But they also knew that they couldn't.
It was late. Jae could hear the other member's gentle snores as they lay in their beds, the soft comforters resting their tired bodies, but Jae couldn't sleep. He lay on his back, his eyes trained on one spot on the roof as he willed him self rest.
“No... ChangMin... Mine... No...” He heard JunSu mutter from a few beds away and smiled lightly to himself. The poor boy was even being tormented by the cynical maknae in his sleep. A small sigh passed Jae's lips as he continued his thoughts, what if this was how it would be? What if Jae would have to live knowing that YunHo loved him, and knowing that they were... That they were together, but never having anything happen around that? What if the two just never got left alone long enough for anything to even happen in between them? They barely had time alone to talk, or to just be together, let alone to have a proper relationship. Jae wished they could hold hands, or that they could just cuddle. What would their relationship be without those simplest of things?
Jae slipped his feet off the bed and quietly walked through the room, heading for the verandah. It was too cold to go outside, but he was content to just stand there, looking out at the city through the glass doors. Arms slipped around his middle and Jae began to feel pleasently warm as he was held close to someone's chest.
“You should be sleeping.” YunHo said, kissing the back of Jae's neck.
“So should you.” he replied, leaving his head back onto YunHo's shoulder.
“What's the matter?” YunHo asked, squeazing Jae slightly in his arms. “Something is troubling you.”
“it's nothing.” Jae said, shaking his head softly.
“That's a lie and we both know it.” YunHo replied with a chuckle.
“Really... it doesn't matter... I'm just a little confused about this whole thing.” Jae said, pulling out of YunHo's arms so that he could face him. “You love me, and I love you, we are together... but we're not at the same time. I feel like I never get to see you... Well... I never get to see you when you're not stressed or tired or training. I miss you.” YunHo smiled, wrapping an arm around Jae's middle.
“I miss you, too. I just don't know what I can do... I love you so much, and every waking moment I just want to hold you and kiss you and be with you, but our sad reality is that we can't do those things... At least until we tell the other members.”
“You want to tell the others?” Jae asked, cocking an eyebrow.
“I think we should... but at the same time... When it really comes down to it, it's their opinion on this that matters most. JunSu is such a good friend to HyukJae, so he should be fine with it. ChangMin... I think he trusts me enough to accept it... YooChun. I'm not sure about YooChun.” YunHo contemplated.
“YooChun is close with me... I don't think he would mind.” Jae nodded to himself before pausing. “Wait, why should HyukJae and JunSu being friends affect this?”
“Oh come on, Jae. HyukJae and DongHae have been in love since they met.” YunHo smiled, pushing Jae's tousled hair from his tired eyes. He thought hard for a moment before a smile broke out on his face,
“Yeah, I can really see that.” he laughed, remembering back to the night he had confessed to YunHo, he had seen HyukJae and DongHae leave together, their limbs entangled and their cheeks flushed.
“I don't want you to worry about this, okay?” YunHo smiled, stroking Jae's face. “I love you, and you love me. That is all that matters right now, right?”
“Right.” Jae nodded. YunHo leant his head in, connecting their lips in warm contact. Their lips parted, letting their tongues entwine with each other.
“You are so beautiful, have I ever told you that?” YunHo asked, stroking Jae's face again. Jae's cheeks were slightly flushed and his hair messy. YunHo was sure he would go blind if he looked for too long.
“I can't remember.” Jae answered honestly.
“Well it's something you need to remember. You're beautiful and I love you more than anything.” YunHo proclaimed, kissing Jae again.
“I love you so much.” Jae whispered, his eyes drooping softly. YunHo smiled, taking Jae's hand and leading him back to the bedroom,
“We both need to sleep.” he said, passing the open door.
“Sleep.” Jae nodded. They both climbed into their own beds on opposite sides of the room. Jae finally found sleep.
Neither Jae or YunHo noticed ChangMin's open eyes through the darkness. His eyebrows were raised as he took in some very interesting knew information.
BUT I really want to make time for this fic, because really, I feel like it is my baby. I was very MIA in the fanfiction world for about 11 months, after I left my old fandom and entered kpop it was all very different and I didn't really pay any attention to fan fiction. I feel like Coagulation is my comeback, and it is a fic I hold very dearly, and I assure you that I want to see it to completion.
ALL THOSE READING THIS FIC, PLEASE READ THIS NOTE:
So, summer is on it's way and I only have a few weeks left of the school term before the 8 week summer break. I have been hit in the face with a lot of inspiration for Coagulation, but I have also been hit with ideas for two new fics, one will be short and very emo and titled Heaven's Postman. Three guesses as to where I got the idea from ;) and the second, which is as of yet untitled, is something I am really excited about. it will be AU, set in a University with JaeJoong as a student and YunHo as a teacher. I have had a lot of thought about it and I am thinking that it shall be my summer project. I don't want to put Coagulation onto a Hiatus, but it means that updates for this fic will be coming slower if I am working on the other one. Please give it just as much love as you have given this one!!
Thank you everyone for your patience, really, and I hope you're not too dissappointed with this Chapter. Personally? I hate it, but who knows! you might like it ;)
Thanks for reading!!
誰もが誰かに愛される為に
この世に命を煌(きらめ)かせるのさ
それがもしも僕なら もう一度君の心を
永遠(とわ)の優しさで 暖めるよ…
- Love In The Ice by Tohoshinki
“He kissed you? Just like that?” MinJong looked so eager, his voice was higher as he spoke, obviously excited. Jae smiled, nodding his head,
“He kissed me.” he replied.
“Then? Did he make some massive romantic gesture? Did he confess his undying love, and kiss you more?” MinJong asked, his voice hopeful. Jae just laughed and shook his head, his fingers entwining with each other in his lap,
“No... Not even close.” he said. MinJong raised an eyebrow, trying to make the elder man continue. “He freaked out. He kissed me so deeply, and with so much love, then began to completely freak. He was hyperventilating and rambling about shame, pride and confusal.” Jae's face looked gentle again, almost serene.
“He freaked out? He had a panic attack?” MinJong looked as if he was in a state of shock.
“You have to understand that he grew up in a world filled with a strict way of judging right and wrong. He was brought up Catholic, a religion opposed to homosexuality. No matter what he did, he was never good enough for his fathers pride, and all YunHo ever wanted was for his father to look at him with something other than dissappointment. He needed his father to be proud of him, and how could a homphobic man be proud of a gay son?” Jae asked, a bitter look in his eyes. “YunHo wasn't stupid. He knew that he loved me, and he knew that he wanted to love me... But he was confused... He didn't understand how to.”
“What did you do?” MinJong questioned, his eyes sympathetic.
“It was the second time I had ever seen YunHo look so fragile, and I was so terrified that I would break him. He was always so confident in everything, when I saw him like that... I didn't know what to do...” Jae's voice was soft. “So I did what he would have done for me. I took him to the roof and I held him while he cried. I held him tightly while he thought, and I spoke calming words until he could breathe again...”
Jae's fingers ran gently through the soft hair on YunHo's head as he held the younger so tenderly in his arms. YunHo's breathing was back to regular, and his tears slowing when the silence was broken,
“What will we do?” Was his simple question, as he pulled away from the man who held him in such a loving embrace. “I don't know what to do...” he said, his face contorting in pain.
“We don't have to do anything.” Jae replied, his fingers still tangled in the boy's hair, the touch seeming to calm him.
“But I want to do something.” YunHo replied, his eyes rising to meet Jae's. “JaeJoong-ah... I love you... I love you so much. I want to just curl up and hold you for the rest of my life. Whenever I see you, I want to kiss you, and touch you. I could listen to your voice for as long as I live. You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen in my life, and when you smile... It makes me weak.” YunHo gushed, his strong hand finding its way to his cheek, rubbing slow circles on the soft skin with the pad of his thumb. There were definite butterflies fluttering in Jae's stomach as YunHo words seeped in. “But how could we keep it secret? Both of us know that we can't do this publically. What would we say to ChangMin-ah? YooChun-ah? JunSu-yah? HeeChul-hyung, DongHae-yah and HyukJae-yah..? Our friends and family? The staff?” YunHo looked frazzled, his eyes darting around. “I know that SooMan-nim said it would be okay, but I... I can't be sure...” Jae looked at him, confused,
“What?” he asked, his brow furrowed. YunHo looked to the pavement below them, his full lips stretching across his uneven teeth as he began to bite the skin.
“When he asked to talk to me.. When we found out about Dong Bang Shin Ki. He said that he knew I loved you, and that he would protect it...” YunHo said, his voice quiet. “He said that he understood I couldn't help it, and that it shouldn't ruin my life... To think I had to live my life loving you and nevr acting upon it... I didn't even know that I loved you until then. I knew that you were amazing and beautiful, but I didn't understand what it was.” Jae's eyes were wide, Lee SooMan knew? Their feared CEO knew everything? “I guess I ran away. I was so scared of myself that I couldn't even look at you in fear of what I would come to realise.”
“So you pretended I wasn't there?” Jae hadn't realised the bitter tone in his voice until he saw YunHo wince,
“It was so wrong of me. Words cannot even say how sorry I am for what I have done, really and truly.” YunHo said, his voice pleading, “I'm not asking you to forgive me... But I am asking you to understand that I wasn't thinking...”
“What?” Jae asked, the fingers still wrapped in YunHo's hair stilled, “Of course I forgive you!” he said, chuckling, “I don't think I could stay mad at you.” he said, his fingers starting to move again. The silent minutes streached out as they sat there, content in the comfort of each other's company.
“JaeJoong-ah... I want us to be... I want us to be us. I want to be able to hold you, kiss you and touch you and not be scared of it.” YunHo said, a tone of finality in his voice. “I was brought up to be oposed to how I feel for you, but that is not something I could ever want. I am not letting my father's pride get in the way of how I feel for you, because you... You were there when he was about ready to disown me. You have never turned away from me...” YunHo's eyes were in searing contact with Jae's own. “I won't let whatever ideas he has put in my head get in the way of how I feel for you, because I am in love with you.” Jae smiled, his heart aching.
“If this is a dream I am going to kill myself.” was all Jae said in return. YunHo laughed, sitting up, placing a hand on the back of Jae's neck again, his thumb caressing the skin.
“I promise you, it isn't.” he didn't stop smiling when they kissed. YunHo wasn't sure if he would ever stop smiling now that he had Jae.
~
“Come in,” came a strong voice from the other side of the room. YunHo and Jae clutched each other's hands, giving each other the last second to back out before pushing the door open.
“Susang-nim.” they both said as they enered the room, bowing low. Lee SooMan looked up from the papers in his hands, his eyebrows raised,
“JaeJoong-ah, YunHo-yah...” he said, his eyes glancing down to their entwined hands. He smiled, “Please, take a seat.” he said, gesturing to the empty chairs opposite his own. The two teens quickly took them, “Now, why don't you both tell me why you are here?”
“We have come to for... For help.” YunHo said, trying to keep calm.
“I thought so.” SooMan said, with a nod of his head. “I must admit, it was very brave of you to come here, both of you. But then, what else could I possibly expect from my prize trainees?” he asked, a smile on his features. “Neither of you are stupid. You are both aware that this relationship would have disatrous consequences if found out. It would mean the end of your carrears, the end of Dong Bang Shin Ki... Maybe even the end of your lives.” At this SooMan gave them both a very serious look, “Youboth need to go into this knowing that you have the power to cause each others downfall. If what you have ends badly... He will have the power to destroy you.” SooMan said this directly at YunHo, shocking his slightly.
“I trust him...” YunHo said, his brow furrowed and the hand holding Jae's tightening. “I trust him.” SooMan paused, looking at YunHo for a long moment, his eyebrows furrowed and his face heard.
“Then I will protect you. I will personally make arrangements with your management and coordinators. I will assign only those I trust. When it comes to your trust... Only tell those you are certain will never tell another living soul. I expect you to act carefully, because if this gets out, it is not only your own carrears that are ending.” he finished, picking the papers before him up into his hands and looking them over again. “I have many arrangements to finalise, please return to your dorm.” YunHo and JaeJoong scrambled from their seats to the door, leaving the man to himself.
~
“Yah! ChangMin-ah!” JunSu whined as he lay down on the floor of the dance studio, the miscievous Maknae holding his waterbottle inches from his reach. “ChangMin-ah!” JunSu whined again, flapping his arms, but still refusing to move from his spot sprawled out on the floor.
“Say the magic word, Hyung.” ChangMin said in a sing song voice as he held the bottle just out of JunSu's reach. YooChun strolled nonchalantly across the room, hitting ChangMin over the head with his towel as he passed, causing the Maknae to drop the bottle as scowel. “You're such a party-pooper.” he pouted, causing the American to laugh.
“You can't make friends with torture, ChangMin-ah.” he said, giving the teen a pointed look.
“We've been working all day, let me have a little fun.” ChangMin laughed sneakily.
“Give your Hyung a rest, ChangMin-ah.” Jae said, from his spot leaning against the mirror as YooChun took a seat beside him. “I promsie to let you have your fun annoying JunSu tomorrow.”
“Yah! Hyung!” JunSu cried out as ChangMin began to snikker. JunSu's eyes narrowed as he leapt off the floor, chasing the Maknae around.
“I will get you, Shim ChangMin!” he yelled.The door of the studio pushed open and a very tired looking YunHo entered, his fingers touching his temples, his face looking pained. He slipped hisphone into his bag and went to sit beside Jae.
“Can you two please shut up? If you're just going to play and do no work then leave now!” the leader snapped. ChangMin and JunSu stopped running, their smiles dropping.
“Someone's cranky.” ChangMin said, cocking an eyebrow. YunHo just glared at him,
“Yah! No respect.” JunSu said quickly, hitting ChangMin in the head. The youngest grabbed his abused head and rubbed it,
“Aish, I was just saying.” he pouted.
“Are you okay?” Jae asked softly as the two began to bicker again. “You look like you're in pain.”
“It's just a headache.” YunHo replied, looking at the floor and continuing to rub at his temples. Jae smiled softly, pulling the leader's hands from his head and guiding the man down until his aching head rested in Jae's lap. Jae's fingers began to twine through YunHo's dark hair, rubbing gently against the scalp. YunHo began to hum softly, a serene expression on his face. As the two concertrated on one another, they didn't notice as the other members of the room stopped to look at them, eyebrows raised and questions raging through their minds.
“We should be training...” YunHo said softly, his exhausted body melting into Jae's arms.
“No. You're too tired and we have been training for nine solid hours already, today. You are going to relax or you'll hurt yourself.” the elder said, smiling gently down at YunHo as his fingers continued to work their magic.
“We'll never debut if we don't train... We'll be terible no one will like us.” YunHo said frantically., his eyes dartin as he began to struggle against Jae's hold. “My dad will never be proud of me.” Jae's heart sank as the real culprit for YunHo's exhaustion was revealed.
“We will debut, and we will be great. We will be famous and everyone will love us. But we will only make it if you get some rest.” Jae said, helping YunHo to his feet, gesturing for the three younger members to follow them as they left.
And Jae found himself silently praying that he was right.
~
Weeks passed following the same routine. Wake up, eat, train, break, train, eat, sleep, repeat. JaeJoong did't get a moment to himself in over a month, and more importantly, he didn't get a moment alone with YunHo. It wasn't that they didn't spend time together, they spent every waking hour by one another's side, but never out of the eye of the other members and the trainers. JaeJoong so often wanted to reach out and hold YunHo, and he knew that the leader felt the same... But they also knew that they couldn't.
It was late. Jae could hear the other member's gentle snores as they lay in their beds, the soft comforters resting their tired bodies, but Jae couldn't sleep. He lay on his back, his eyes trained on one spot on the roof as he willed him self rest.
“No... ChangMin... Mine... No...” He heard JunSu mutter from a few beds away and smiled lightly to himself. The poor boy was even being tormented by the cynical maknae in his sleep. A small sigh passed Jae's lips as he continued his thoughts, what if this was how it would be? What if Jae would have to live knowing that YunHo loved him, and knowing that they were... That they were together, but never having anything happen around that? What if the two just never got left alone long enough for anything to even happen in between them? They barely had time alone to talk, or to just be together, let alone to have a proper relationship. Jae wished they could hold hands, or that they could just cuddle. What would their relationship be without those simplest of things?
Jae slipped his feet off the bed and quietly walked through the room, heading for the verandah. It was too cold to go outside, but he was content to just stand there, looking out at the city through the glass doors. Arms slipped around his middle and Jae began to feel pleasently warm as he was held close to someone's chest.
“You should be sleeping.” YunHo said, kissing the back of Jae's neck.
“So should you.” he replied, leaving his head back onto YunHo's shoulder.
“What's the matter?” YunHo asked, squeazing Jae slightly in his arms. “Something is troubling you.”
“it's nothing.” Jae said, shaking his head softly.
“That's a lie and we both know it.” YunHo replied with a chuckle.
“Really... it doesn't matter... I'm just a little confused about this whole thing.” Jae said, pulling out of YunHo's arms so that he could face him. “You love me, and I love you, we are together... but we're not at the same time. I feel like I never get to see you... Well... I never get to see you when you're not stressed or tired or training. I miss you.” YunHo smiled, wrapping an arm around Jae's middle.
“I miss you, too. I just don't know what I can do... I love you so much, and every waking moment I just want to hold you and kiss you and be with you, but our sad reality is that we can't do those things... At least until we tell the other members.”
“You want to tell the others?” Jae asked, cocking an eyebrow.
“I think we should... but at the same time... When it really comes down to it, it's their opinion on this that matters most. JunSu is such a good friend to HyukJae, so he should be fine with it. ChangMin... I think he trusts me enough to accept it... YooChun. I'm not sure about YooChun.” YunHo contemplated.
“YooChun is close with me... I don't think he would mind.” Jae nodded to himself before pausing. “Wait, why should HyukJae and JunSu being friends affect this?”
“Oh come on, Jae. HyukJae and DongHae have been in love since they met.” YunHo smiled, pushing Jae's tousled hair from his tired eyes. He thought hard for a moment before a smile broke out on his face,
“Yeah, I can really see that.” he laughed, remembering back to the night he had confessed to YunHo, he had seen HyukJae and DongHae leave together, their limbs entangled and their cheeks flushed.
“I don't want you to worry about this, okay?” YunHo smiled, stroking Jae's face. “I love you, and you love me. That is all that matters right now, right?”
“Right.” Jae nodded. YunHo leant his head in, connecting their lips in warm contact. Their lips parted, letting their tongues entwine with each other.
“You are so beautiful, have I ever told you that?” YunHo asked, stroking Jae's face again. Jae's cheeks were slightly flushed and his hair messy. YunHo was sure he would go blind if he looked for too long.
“I can't remember.” Jae answered honestly.
“Well it's something you need to remember. You're beautiful and I love you more than anything.” YunHo proclaimed, kissing Jae again.
“I love you so much.” Jae whispered, his eyes drooping softly. YunHo smiled, taking Jae's hand and leading him back to the bedroom,
“We both need to sleep.” he said, passing the open door.
“Sleep.” Jae nodded. They both climbed into their own beds on opposite sides of the room. Jae finally found sleep.
Neither Jae or YunHo noticed ChangMin's open eyes through the darkness. His eyebrows were raised as he took in some very interesting knew information.