Remnants [1/2]
Title Remnants
Formerly [Trying]
Author zhgyi
Pairing Baekhyun x Chanyeol (Baekyeol)
Genre Angst, Broken!Baekyeol
Warning I don't know how
Word Count 7 296
Summary It's the trying matters of fixing a broken relationship that exhausts him.
Notes My entry for the MOC contest.
A/N Please enjoy and give me your constructive and well-intended feedback! I live for good feedback.
Baekhyun decides to stop pacing and plops himself on the messy pile of sheets on the bed, the mattress giving way under his weight. He gathers air in his cheeks, puffing them out like how a squirrel gathers nuts. He releases the air, followed by a sigh before running a frustrated hand through his hair. He turns on his stomach to glance at the clock on the bedside table: it is 11:06PM, and Chanyeol still hasn't shown up. It's been happening a lot lately, that Chanyeol doesn't come home until the wee hours of the morning, when Baekhyun is fast asleep, and they barely have time to spend together before he leaves in the morning.
Baekhyun is restless, a fear plaguing his thoughts: is Chanyeol cheating on him? Baekhyun knows Chanyeol hasn't done or said anything that would warrant such an accusation, but this crushing pressure of his heart tells him he should be worried. His mom has always told him to trust his instincts, to trust his heart. He just knows something is going on, even though he's never seen it.
He notices the way Chanyeol has grown distant. Lately, Baekhyun feels like he's been pouring vast amounts of energy into their relationship to keep it afloat, trying to keep up the conversation, but half the time, Chanyeol isn't even listening, just nodding along to whatever Baekhyun is saying. Baekhyun has stopped trying to hold up the conversation, their discussions reduced to "how was your day?", "it was good", until the conversations stopped altogether.
He lies on his back clutching the sheets and closes his eyes, listening for any sign of Chanyeol. He hears the whirring of the heater working, the draft coming in through the window Chanyeol left open, the drip drip of the kitchen sink. He hears the rattling of keys coming from the other side of the entrance door, metal against metal, and Baekhyun knows it's Chanyeol finally arriving home. 11:09PM. He's early.
"I'm home," Chanyeol's deep voice booms. A greeting―he's in a good mood, Baekhyun notes. He shuffles about in the living room and the kitchen, throwing his keys on the counter. Baekhyun can hear his heavy footsteps coming closer to the room. He turns around so his back is facing the door, feigning sleep: he doesn't want to see him dishevelled.
Chanyeol pokes his head in their shared bedroom and scans the bed, finding his husband tangled in the sheets. He grins, glancing at the clock: 11:11PM. "I know you're not asleep."
Baekhyun resists the urge to sigh dejectedly, but pauses a long time before lowly answering, "But I'm tired." And he is. He's tired of feeling this way, so disconnected from his partner, so full of doubt.
"I'm tired too, babe," he says, making his way to the bed and giving Baekhyun a light kiss on the cheek. Chanyeol pulls away before he can notice Baekhyun stiffen at the contact.
Chanyeol goes to the joined bathroom, closing the door behind him. Baekhyun hears the tap running for a long time, then the harsh scratching of toothbrush against teeth. He waits.
When he comes out, he's wearing a plain white t-shirt and blue-striped pyjama pants, having left his suit and tie in the bathroom for Baekhyun to pick up in the morning, as is custom. He walks over to his dresser, putting his expensive jewellery in their proper place. Knowing he is tired, he doesn't expect Baekhyun to speak.
"New cologne?"
Chanyeol slowly turns to look at Baekhyun, who hasn't moved an inch from his original position in which he had found him. "Uh," he says thoughtfully, pursing his lips. "Yeah."
Baekhyun nods.
Chanyeol never wears cologne.
~
Everything reminds him of who they were. There's not one space in the house that has been left untouched by either one of them, whether it was to fix, clean or occupy. It is safe to assume every surface has been laid upon, its cold touch lingering on Baekhyun's skin even as he thinks about where they made love.
Making love. They were in love once, Chanyeol and he. High school sweethearts who knew nothing but each other and cared only for one another. He remembers his senior year when they got voted for the "couple who'll most likely get married", and after two long years, they did get married. They were young and reckless and in love, and Baekhyun can't help but wonder if they went too fast. He isn't so sure they're in love anymore.
Baekhyun sits on the living room couch, from where he can see the open kitchen on his left, the counters and the island rising; on his right, the foyer, crowded with dirty sneakers; and if he looks behind him, he can see their bedroom door cracked open.
Curiously, he feels like a stranger in his own house, even as every corner of it holds a memory dear to him.
"Baekhyun." Baekhyun starts when he hears Chanyeol's grave voice, his heart racing as he finds the man crouched in front of him, his face mere inches away from his own.
"Hi," he greets meekly. The corner of Chanyeol's twitches slightly upwards, then he gets up and walks to the kitchen. Baekhyun's eyes follow him as he rummages through the refrigerator, removing ingredients which he sets on the counter to make himself a sandwich. He doesn't offer to make one for his husband.
Baekhyun notices the nervous energy in the room, but it might just be coming from him. "How was your day?" he asks, more out of habit than actual interest. And as is custom, Chanyeol replies, "Same as any other day."
The silence that follows is almost palpable.
Same as any other day. The words hit Baekhyun like a ton of bricks every time he hears them.
Baekhyun makes his way to the kitchen and stands near Chanyeol, his body swaying with awkwardness. The taller notices, and only now glances at Baekhyun. "What are you doing?"
Baekhyun stays silent, staring at the creases on Chanyeol's dress shirt. Chanyeol was going to repeat his question when Baekhyun suddenly wraps his arms around his torso, embracing him. Baekhyun's heart is pounding. He's afraid Chanyeol will brush him off. Instead, after a long moment, he puts his arms around Baekhyun and mutters, "Aigoo, did you miss me, pup?"
Usually, Baekhyun would have jumped up and down and proven why that nickname belongs to him, but he can't find it in himself to deliver his usual I missed you. I miss us.
Not trusting his mouth, Baekhyun nods into his chest.
~
Hours later, Baekhyun can't even remember what their dispute was about. Often, their arguments are over trivial things Baekhyun will stress the importance of, whereas Chanyeol will shrug it off, accusing him of overreacting. He had separated himself from Chanyeol to avoid bickering, but mostly to not look like an idiot in front of his husband. Chanyeol has a mighty temper, his words often treading on fine lines. He knows just which buttons to push to make Baekhyun want to scream and walk away from their heated discussions, even though he makes for a valiant fighter himself.
Isolated in his room, his hands clasped together staring at the wall, Baekhyun wonders why he's avoiding Chanyeol when this time it's Chanyeol who exaggerated his anger. Despite that, he smiles to himself: it's comforting to know they still fight like an old married couple, just when their relationship is getting old. He pushes himself off the bed and grabs the full dirty laundry basket in the closet and drags it to the hallway. He stops in front of the living room, where Chanyeol is watching television. Baekhyun is surprised he hasn't left, and scoffs to find him sitting in the most unattractive position: he's slouched on the sofa, his legs spread wide open with his feet on the glass coffee table, a beer in his left hand. He doesn't flinch when he hears Baekhyun scoff, just grabs another piece of chicken from the box and starts tearing at it. If there's one thing that peeves Baekhyun, it's when people pretend they didn't have an argument with him. Chanyeol doesn't even acknowledge him.
"I'm doing the laundry. Let's call a truce," he says impatiently, placing a fist on his hip. Their arguments are usually resolved themselves quickly, ending mostly when Chanyeol apologizes to Baekhyun and admits he's in the wrong, even when he's not, followed by Baekhyun's apologies. Like most times, he would prefer not to have to be the first to apologize. Baekhyun notices Chanyeol isn't in a very forgiving mood these days, picking fights every time he sees him.
Chanyeol contemplates his words and nods, grimacing wickedly at his husband. "I'll try not to eat all of the chicken." He smiles mockingly, and Baekhyun flips him off, which doesn't faze Chanyeol. He would have laughed at Baekhyun's attempt to be vulgar, but as he enters the room, he remarks that laughter is strange and unfamiliar in this house. Even though they've ceased fire, he feels it doesn't belong with the tense and nervous energies.
Curious, Baekhyun pokes his head out of the door to peer at Chanyeol, who shoos him away to do the laundry. Baekhyun scowls at him before closing the door behind him. "Make sure you empty the pockets," Chanyeol says loudly. Baekhyun scoffs and dumps the contents of the basket on the floor, picking up items he notes are mostly Chanyeol's, and checks the pockets before throwing them into the washer, putting the whites apart. His thoughts wander back to their first date after Chanyeol had asked him to be his boyfriend as he mindlessly empties Chanyeol's pants and jackets of old receipts and candy wrappers. It took Baekhyun a long time to say yes to Chanyeol, seeing as he was just as much the troublemaker back then as he is now. But he was stubborn and persistent, and so he agreed because otherwise, he wouldn't have left him alone.
It was on the 18th of December 2010 Chanyeol had made Baekhyun wait for him outside, in front of the Sous-Sol, an underground music venue, at a record minus forty degrees Celsius with wind factor. He had bothered to check the weather that morning, but obviously Chanyeol had not. Knowing how much of a music fan Baekhyun was, and being a dabbler in music himself, Chanyeol had planned Baekhyun to be the first spectator of his first extra cheesy composition he wrote in honour of him saying yes. Baekhyun scoffed after he had finally let him inside, but remembers secretly enjoying the gesture. "You're not half bad," he had commented after the performance, when they were sitting at the bar sipping on their hot drinks.
"Thanks, boyfriend," Chanyeol had responded before he slyly said, "You know what I'm better at?" Baekhyun was going to joke he couldn't possibly have imagined Chanyeol being good at anything at all, but his teasing was lost when he had leaned in to kiss him. Baekhyun remembers his mind going absolutely blank and his muscles stilling, his entire body filling with an unfamiliar warmth when Chanyeol pulled him closer. Baekhyun smiles at the memory he labels their first 'official' kiss, which Chanyeol used to find cute.
Baekhyun felt something crawl in his hand, thinking Chanyeol had picked up another stray bug, as is his habit, and shoved it in his pocket to give it a makeshift home. He starts and drops everything, seeing no proof of an insect. A piece of paper falls from his hands. Written on it in big, recognizable letters is, "Best night ft. K". He crouches to pick it up and rereads the message aloud, then turns it over. Baekhyun's heart stops, his eyes wide, his mouth dry, a cold shiver running down his spine. The shock hits him harder than he thought it would. It hits him so hard, he falls back, sitting down, his eyes not leaving what turns out to be a picture Baekhyun does not want to see.
The last person Baekhyun wants to talk to enters the laundry room, asking him if he's seen his favourite jacket that might've been in the basket. When Baekhyun doesn't answer, Chanyeol asks "What are you doing?" Baekhyun puts down his hand, crumpling the picture. It's silent a long time before he clears his throat and picks up random papers lying on the floor he had removed from his jackets.
"These receipts," he says, his voice weak, not turning to face Chanyeol. "You bought so much candy. You'll get sick."
Chanyeol scoffs. "I didn't eat them all by myself." Baekhyun clenches his fist. He has no doubt. "Besides," Chanyeol stands straight and confident, tapping his stomach with a grin on his face. "I have a stomach of steel. Which reminds me, there's left over chicken if you want some."
Baekhyun doesn't register what he says. His mind and body are working in slow-motion, his senses feeling drowned and overwhelmed, his heart beating erratically.
He gets up and brushes past Chanyeol, who says something sounding concerned and asking the whereabouts of his favourite jacket. Chanyeol watches Baekhyun disappear into their room, then come out wearing his coat. He doesn't spare him a glance as he walks to the foyer and slips on his shoes. "Don't wait up for me," Baekhyun says, then slams the door. Chanyeol wonders what he has against chicken that would make him want to leave the apartment.
Baekhyun walks down the corridor, the electric buzzing of the light bulbs following him to the elevator. He decides he doesn't have the patience to take the elevator down; it would just give him time to think, but Baekhyun is trying to run away from his thoughts. He takes the stairs down and heads out, not bothering to greet the receptionist as he usually does. The cold of the night bites the skin of his hands, so he shoves them in his pockets. He realizes he's still clutching tightly to the picture, which he crumpled in anger. He stops and takes it out to take a good long look at it, to make sure his eyes had not deceived him in the laundry room. They hadn't. The Polaroid is a grainy image of two men kissing, one of them Chanyeol, the other one, he notes bitterly, not Baekhyun. Something about the glint in his eyes tells him this isn't the first kiss they've shared, and something about the smile on Chanyeol's lips locked to another man's seem so genuine it hurts his heart, because he doesn't remember Chanyeol ever smiling like that when they kissed, not even when they were dating, or when they were engaged, and certainly not after they got married.
He has been trying hard to hold back tears, but the effort brings them streaming down his face. He doesn't care that people are looking at him sideways, wondering why a grown man is crying by himself. Baekhyun is usually right about a lot of things, but this is one thing he wanted to get wrong. Chanyeol is cheating on him. He doesn't care that he hasn't told him, or has distanced himself as a result of his adultery. The only question Baekhyun has left is why?
~
Baekhyun is glad he stored his precious items in the room; it means he doesn't have to leave the bedroom and cross Chanyeol, whom he can't quite face just yet.
Last night, Baekhyun had told Chanyeol not to wait up for him, though he doubts he would have. After he had left the apartment, he had wanted to stay away. He'd wanted time to wallow in his sorrows, opting to go to a bar to drink them away, but his heart hadn't been up for it. He had walked halfway across the city towards a friend's house before turning back, knowing his friend would have ask him what happened. If Baekhyun didn't have to say it, then maybe he could delay having to confront the truth a while longer.
Of course, he hadn't stayed away for long. It was 3AM when he'd found himself back at the apartment. He had trudged lightly, trying to make himself invisible, hoping to avoid a run-in with Chanyeol. As he'd opened the door, Baekhyun had found out his efforts were in vain: Chanyeol wasn't home. He stood in the living room and swept his eyes over pictures and items that held only lies and represented false love before he fell on his bed, defeated and exhausted.
When he woke up this morning, he was dishevelled, his body numb from walking and crying. As he sat in bed, he was suddenly overwhelmed by the great desire to find the first real gift Chanyeol ever gave him, in which were scribbled some cheesy movie quotes full of promises neither of them kept.
Baekhyun now finds himself rummaging through the storage bins he'd stuffed in the closet. He's looking through the last one, not being able to locate it. Just when he's about to give up, Baekhyun feels the hard edge of the wooden box and puts his fingers around it, securing it, then pulls it out of the bin. He pays little attention to the content he's spilled, but focuses only on the blue-painted box in his hand. Scribbled on its surface is Chanyeol's messy attempt at a heart, their initials in the centre.
It's the box that once held their promise rings, a box that still holds so much meaning to Baekhyun.
Baekhyun turns the box over, reading the familiar lines and Chanyeol's responses.
"Tell me you love me now.
I love you now. I love you always. (Meet Joe Black, 1998)"
"Yes, yes, yes, yes. I promise I do."
"On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the happiness of your marriage? (Mr. & Mrs. Smith, 2005)"
"3 492, and we're not even married….Yet."
“Pardon my lips. They find joy in the most unusual places.” (A Good Year, 2006)
"Remember when I said this to you and you immediately saw through it? How was I supposed to know you'd seen the movie? AHAHA."
"You're the first boy I ever kissed, [Baek], and I want you to be the last." (Sweet Home Alabama, 2002)
"OK, this may be a bit of a stretch, but I do want you to be the last. And once we're married, it'll be perfect every time."
Back then, Chanyeol had been obsessed with the idea of getting married. Baekhyun had found it exhausting rather than endearingly annoying, with Chanyeol constantly throwing the idea of marriage at him. Honestly, Baekhyun had cringed every time he'd brought it up, because Baekhyun hadn't wanted to rush anything; they were young and unprepared for that kind of life, Baekhyun reasoned. Knowing this, Chanyeol had gotten the promise rings instead.
"Promise me something," he had said, beaming after risking their lives by crossing the busy street when the light had just turned green. He had stopped on the other side, holding Baekhyun's hands tightly between them, their skin exposed to the cold autumn wind. Baekhyun had asked what kind of promise he'd wanted. "We've already endured a lot in our relationship, and the future I want for us probably holds more tough times but―" He'd taken a deep breath. "―I hope being with me is worth it all. I know it is for me. I wouldn't know what to do without you, Baek, so please don't let me go until I'm ready to let you go."
Baekhyun remembers how serious Chanyeol had been, and he rarely ever was. Baekhyun had pursed his lips. When he hadn't said anything, Chanyeol took out the once glossy blue box from his pocket and removed one of the rings, sliding it on of one Baekhyun's fingers and the other on one of his own. Baekhyun hadn't liked the way Chanyeol had worded the promise, but he agreed anyways. In return, he had made him promise to always stay honest with him and love him just as he does.
If Baekhyun had known how useless it was to make Chanyeol promise him anything, he wouldn't have bothered.
Baekhyun opens the box now, taking a look at the grooves in which the rings were once placed, and is surprised to find one inside. The silver band glints in the sunlight, its surface polished as if it'd never left the box.
Baekhyun feels like he's been slapped. Do the rings mean nothing to Chanyeol? Have they ever meant anything? When had he put his back in the box? Baekhyun grips the box tightly, his expression solemn and angry. He's hurt, insulted, feels rejected, but most of all he's embarrassed. He looks at his own ring, the date of their promise engraved on its surface and is embarrassed to find out that, despite all of their troubles, he is the only one still wearing his.
For the first time since last night, Baekhyun leaves his room. He stands near the bedroom door, suddenly frozen when he sees Chanyeol resting on the couch after a long day of work. He fidgets nervously, turning the ring over in his right hand and gripping the box in his left hand. Somehow, Baekhyun resists the urge to scream and charge at Chanyeol and slowly walks towards the couch, his head low. Chanyeol looks at his husband without saying a word, but notices his tense steps as he makes his way forward, as if he is trying hard not to explode.
All of Baekhyun's actions are slow and careful. He puts the box down on the coffee table, and when he straightens himself, his eyes are cloudy and his expression unreadable. Neither of them moves until Chanyeol decides to sit up, finding Baekhyun hovering over him creepy.
"What?" he ventures, but his face tells Baekhyun he doesn't really care. Baekhyun's lips set themselves in a thin, pale line. He gently grabs Chanyeol's left hand and almost drops it, the contact feeling foreign. Baekhyun holds his lover's gaze a long time before he brings the ring forward and slips it on Chanyeol's index finger, unbothered that it didn't go all the way to the base.
"I―" Baekhyun shudders, as if talking to Chanyeol had become the hardest thing for him to do now. He tries to keep his voice even as he says, "You may have broken your vows, but I'll keep my promise to you."
He averts his eyes, looking at everything but at Chanyeol's stoic face. Finally he clears his throat and drops Chanyeol's hand, taking wary steps back into his bedroom.
Baekhyun thinks he sees Chanyeol's face transform as he closes the door, slowly enough to see him pick up the box and open it. Instead of finding Baekhyun's ring like he had expected, Chanyeol finds the Polaroid picture he had been looking to remove the other day, crumpled and abused.
~
[ part 2]
Formerly [Trying]
Author zhgyi
Pairing Baekhyun x Chanyeol (Baekyeol)
Genre Angst, Broken!Baekyeol
Warning I don't know how
Word Count 7 296
Summary It's the trying matters of fixing a broken relationship that exhausts him.
Notes My entry for the MOC contest.
A/N Please enjoy and give me your constructive and well-intended feedback! I live for good feedback.
Baekhyun decides to stop pacing and plops himself on the messy pile of sheets on the bed, the mattress giving way under his weight. He gathers air in his cheeks, puffing them out like how a squirrel gathers nuts. He releases the air, followed by a sigh before running a frustrated hand through his hair. He turns on his stomach to glance at the clock on the bedside table: it is 11:06PM, and Chanyeol still hasn't shown up. It's been happening a lot lately, that Chanyeol doesn't come home until the wee hours of the morning, when Baekhyun is fast asleep, and they barely have time to spend together before he leaves in the morning.
Baekhyun is restless, a fear plaguing his thoughts: is Chanyeol cheating on him? Baekhyun knows Chanyeol hasn't done or said anything that would warrant such an accusation, but this crushing pressure of his heart tells him he should be worried. His mom has always told him to trust his instincts, to trust his heart. He just knows something is going on, even though he's never seen it.
He notices the way Chanyeol has grown distant. Lately, Baekhyun feels like he's been pouring vast amounts of energy into their relationship to keep it afloat, trying to keep up the conversation, but half the time, Chanyeol isn't even listening, just nodding along to whatever Baekhyun is saying. Baekhyun has stopped trying to hold up the conversation, their discussions reduced to "how was your day?", "it was good", until the conversations stopped altogether.
He lies on his back clutching the sheets and closes his eyes, listening for any sign of Chanyeol. He hears the whirring of the heater working, the draft coming in through the window Chanyeol left open, the drip drip of the kitchen sink. He hears the rattling of keys coming from the other side of the entrance door, metal against metal, and Baekhyun knows it's Chanyeol finally arriving home. 11:09PM. He's early.
"I'm home," Chanyeol's deep voice booms. A greeting―he's in a good mood, Baekhyun notes. He shuffles about in the living room and the kitchen, throwing his keys on the counter. Baekhyun can hear his heavy footsteps coming closer to the room. He turns around so his back is facing the door, feigning sleep: he doesn't want to see him dishevelled.
Chanyeol pokes his head in their shared bedroom and scans the bed, finding his husband tangled in the sheets. He grins, glancing at the clock: 11:11PM. "I know you're not asleep."
Baekhyun resists the urge to sigh dejectedly, but pauses a long time before lowly answering, "But I'm tired." And he is. He's tired of feeling this way, so disconnected from his partner, so full of doubt.
"I'm tired too, babe," he says, making his way to the bed and giving Baekhyun a light kiss on the cheek. Chanyeol pulls away before he can notice Baekhyun stiffen at the contact.
Chanyeol goes to the joined bathroom, closing the door behind him. Baekhyun hears the tap running for a long time, then the harsh scratching of toothbrush against teeth. He waits.
When he comes out, he's wearing a plain white t-shirt and blue-striped pyjama pants, having left his suit and tie in the bathroom for Baekhyun to pick up in the morning, as is custom. He walks over to his dresser, putting his expensive jewellery in their proper place. Knowing he is tired, he doesn't expect Baekhyun to speak.
"New cologne?"
Chanyeol slowly turns to look at Baekhyun, who hasn't moved an inch from his original position in which he had found him. "Uh," he says thoughtfully, pursing his lips. "Yeah."
Baekhyun nods.
Chanyeol never wears cologne.
~
Everything reminds him of who they were. There's not one space in the house that has been left untouched by either one of them, whether it was to fix, clean or occupy. It is safe to assume every surface has been laid upon, its cold touch lingering on Baekhyun's skin even as he thinks about where they made love.
Making love. They were in love once, Chanyeol and he. High school sweethearts who knew nothing but each other and cared only for one another. He remembers his senior year when they got voted for the "couple who'll most likely get married", and after two long years, they did get married. They were young and reckless and in love, and Baekhyun can't help but wonder if they went too fast. He isn't so sure they're in love anymore.
Baekhyun sits on the living room couch, from where he can see the open kitchen on his left, the counters and the island rising; on his right, the foyer, crowded with dirty sneakers; and if he looks behind him, he can see their bedroom door cracked open.
Curiously, he feels like a stranger in his own house, even as every corner of it holds a memory dear to him.
"Baekhyun." Baekhyun starts when he hears Chanyeol's grave voice, his heart racing as he finds the man crouched in front of him, his face mere inches away from his own.
"Hi," he greets meekly. The corner of Chanyeol's twitches slightly upwards, then he gets up and walks to the kitchen. Baekhyun's eyes follow him as he rummages through the refrigerator, removing ingredients which he sets on the counter to make himself a sandwich. He doesn't offer to make one for his husband.
Baekhyun notices the nervous energy in the room, but it might just be coming from him. "How was your day?" he asks, more out of habit than actual interest. And as is custom, Chanyeol replies, "Same as any other day."
The silence that follows is almost palpable.
Same as any other day. The words hit Baekhyun like a ton of bricks every time he hears them.
Baekhyun makes his way to the kitchen and stands near Chanyeol, his body swaying with awkwardness. The taller notices, and only now glances at Baekhyun. "What are you doing?"
Baekhyun stays silent, staring at the creases on Chanyeol's dress shirt. Chanyeol was going to repeat his question when Baekhyun suddenly wraps his arms around his torso, embracing him. Baekhyun's heart is pounding. He's afraid Chanyeol will brush him off. Instead, after a long moment, he puts his arms around Baekhyun and mutters, "Aigoo, did you miss me, pup?"
Usually, Baekhyun would have jumped up and down and proven why that nickname belongs to him, but he can't find it in himself to deliver his usual I missed you. I miss us.
Not trusting his mouth, Baekhyun nods into his chest.
~
Hours later, Baekhyun can't even remember what their dispute was about. Often, their arguments are over trivial things Baekhyun will stress the importance of, whereas Chanyeol will shrug it off, accusing him of overreacting. He had separated himself from Chanyeol to avoid bickering, but mostly to not look like an idiot in front of his husband. Chanyeol has a mighty temper, his words often treading on fine lines. He knows just which buttons to push to make Baekhyun want to scream and walk away from their heated discussions, even though he makes for a valiant fighter himself.
Isolated in his room, his hands clasped together staring at the wall, Baekhyun wonders why he's avoiding Chanyeol when this time it's Chanyeol who exaggerated his anger. Despite that, he smiles to himself: it's comforting to know they still fight like an old married couple, just when their relationship is getting old. He pushes himself off the bed and grabs the full dirty laundry basket in the closet and drags it to the hallway. He stops in front of the living room, where Chanyeol is watching television. Baekhyun is surprised he hasn't left, and scoffs to find him sitting in the most unattractive position: he's slouched on the sofa, his legs spread wide open with his feet on the glass coffee table, a beer in his left hand. He doesn't flinch when he hears Baekhyun scoff, just grabs another piece of chicken from the box and starts tearing at it. If there's one thing that peeves Baekhyun, it's when people pretend they didn't have an argument with him. Chanyeol doesn't even acknowledge him.
"I'm doing the laundry. Let's call a truce," he says impatiently, placing a fist on his hip. Their arguments are usually resolved themselves quickly, ending mostly when Chanyeol apologizes to Baekhyun and admits he's in the wrong, even when he's not, followed by Baekhyun's apologies. Like most times, he would prefer not to have to be the first to apologize. Baekhyun notices Chanyeol isn't in a very forgiving mood these days, picking fights every time he sees him.
Chanyeol contemplates his words and nods, grimacing wickedly at his husband. "I'll try not to eat all of the chicken." He smiles mockingly, and Baekhyun flips him off, which doesn't faze Chanyeol. He would have laughed at Baekhyun's attempt to be vulgar, but as he enters the room, he remarks that laughter is strange and unfamiliar in this house. Even though they've ceased fire, he feels it doesn't belong with the tense and nervous energies.
Curious, Baekhyun pokes his head out of the door to peer at Chanyeol, who shoos him away to do the laundry. Baekhyun scowls at him before closing the door behind him. "Make sure you empty the pockets," Chanyeol says loudly. Baekhyun scoffs and dumps the contents of the basket on the floor, picking up items he notes are mostly Chanyeol's, and checks the pockets before throwing them into the washer, putting the whites apart. His thoughts wander back to their first date after Chanyeol had asked him to be his boyfriend as he mindlessly empties Chanyeol's pants and jackets of old receipts and candy wrappers. It took Baekhyun a long time to say yes to Chanyeol, seeing as he was just as much the troublemaker back then as he is now. But he was stubborn and persistent, and so he agreed because otherwise, he wouldn't have left him alone.
It was on the 18th of December 2010 Chanyeol had made Baekhyun wait for him outside, in front of the Sous-Sol, an underground music venue, at a record minus forty degrees Celsius with wind factor. He had bothered to check the weather that morning, but obviously Chanyeol had not. Knowing how much of a music fan Baekhyun was, and being a dabbler in music himself, Chanyeol had planned Baekhyun to be the first spectator of his first extra cheesy composition he wrote in honour of him saying yes. Baekhyun scoffed after he had finally let him inside, but remembers secretly enjoying the gesture. "You're not half bad," he had commented after the performance, when they were sitting at the bar sipping on their hot drinks.
"Thanks, boyfriend," Chanyeol had responded before he slyly said, "You know what I'm better at?" Baekhyun was going to joke he couldn't possibly have imagined Chanyeol being good at anything at all, but his teasing was lost when he had leaned in to kiss him. Baekhyun remembers his mind going absolutely blank and his muscles stilling, his entire body filling with an unfamiliar warmth when Chanyeol pulled him closer. Baekhyun smiles at the memory he labels their first 'official' kiss, which Chanyeol used to find cute.
Baekhyun felt something crawl in his hand, thinking Chanyeol had picked up another stray bug, as is his habit, and shoved it in his pocket to give it a makeshift home. He starts and drops everything, seeing no proof of an insect. A piece of paper falls from his hands. Written on it in big, recognizable letters is, "Best night ft. K". He crouches to pick it up and rereads the message aloud, then turns it over. Baekhyun's heart stops, his eyes wide, his mouth dry, a cold shiver running down his spine. The shock hits him harder than he thought it would. It hits him so hard, he falls back, sitting down, his eyes not leaving what turns out to be a picture Baekhyun does not want to see.
The last person Baekhyun wants to talk to enters the laundry room, asking him if he's seen his favourite jacket that might've been in the basket. When Baekhyun doesn't answer, Chanyeol asks "What are you doing?" Baekhyun puts down his hand, crumpling the picture. It's silent a long time before he clears his throat and picks up random papers lying on the floor he had removed from his jackets.
"These receipts," he says, his voice weak, not turning to face Chanyeol. "You bought so much candy. You'll get sick."
Chanyeol scoffs. "I didn't eat them all by myself." Baekhyun clenches his fist. He has no doubt. "Besides," Chanyeol stands straight and confident, tapping his stomach with a grin on his face. "I have a stomach of steel. Which reminds me, there's left over chicken if you want some."
Baekhyun doesn't register what he says. His mind and body are working in slow-motion, his senses feeling drowned and overwhelmed, his heart beating erratically.
He gets up and brushes past Chanyeol, who says something sounding concerned and asking the whereabouts of his favourite jacket. Chanyeol watches Baekhyun disappear into their room, then come out wearing his coat. He doesn't spare him a glance as he walks to the foyer and slips on his shoes. "Don't wait up for me," Baekhyun says, then slams the door. Chanyeol wonders what he has against chicken that would make him want to leave the apartment.
Baekhyun walks down the corridor, the electric buzzing of the light bulbs following him to the elevator. He decides he doesn't have the patience to take the elevator down; it would just give him time to think, but Baekhyun is trying to run away from his thoughts. He takes the stairs down and heads out, not bothering to greet the receptionist as he usually does. The cold of the night bites the skin of his hands, so he shoves them in his pockets. He realizes he's still clutching tightly to the picture, which he crumpled in anger. He stops and takes it out to take a good long look at it, to make sure his eyes had not deceived him in the laundry room. They hadn't. The Polaroid is a grainy image of two men kissing, one of them Chanyeol, the other one, he notes bitterly, not Baekhyun. Something about the glint in his eyes tells him this isn't the first kiss they've shared, and something about the smile on Chanyeol's lips locked to another man's seem so genuine it hurts his heart, because he doesn't remember Chanyeol ever smiling like that when they kissed, not even when they were dating, or when they were engaged, and certainly not after they got married.
He has been trying hard to hold back tears, but the effort brings them streaming down his face. He doesn't care that people are looking at him sideways, wondering why a grown man is crying by himself. Baekhyun is usually right about a lot of things, but this is one thing he wanted to get wrong. Chanyeol is cheating on him. He doesn't care that he hasn't told him, or has distanced himself as a result of his adultery. The only question Baekhyun has left is why?
~
Baekhyun is glad he stored his precious items in the room; it means he doesn't have to leave the bedroom and cross Chanyeol, whom he can't quite face just yet.
Last night, Baekhyun had told Chanyeol not to wait up for him, though he doubts he would have. After he had left the apartment, he had wanted to stay away. He'd wanted time to wallow in his sorrows, opting to go to a bar to drink them away, but his heart hadn't been up for it. He had walked halfway across the city towards a friend's house before turning back, knowing his friend would have ask him what happened. If Baekhyun didn't have to say it, then maybe he could delay having to confront the truth a while longer.
Of course, he hadn't stayed away for long. It was 3AM when he'd found himself back at the apartment. He had trudged lightly, trying to make himself invisible, hoping to avoid a run-in with Chanyeol. As he'd opened the door, Baekhyun had found out his efforts were in vain: Chanyeol wasn't home. He stood in the living room and swept his eyes over pictures and items that held only lies and represented false love before he fell on his bed, defeated and exhausted.
When he woke up this morning, he was dishevelled, his body numb from walking and crying. As he sat in bed, he was suddenly overwhelmed by the great desire to find the first real gift Chanyeol ever gave him, in which were scribbled some cheesy movie quotes full of promises neither of them kept.
Baekhyun now finds himself rummaging through the storage bins he'd stuffed in the closet. He's looking through the last one, not being able to locate it. Just when he's about to give up, Baekhyun feels the hard edge of the wooden box and puts his fingers around it, securing it, then pulls it out of the bin. He pays little attention to the content he's spilled, but focuses only on the blue-painted box in his hand. Scribbled on its surface is Chanyeol's messy attempt at a heart, their initials in the centre.
It's the box that once held their promise rings, a box that still holds so much meaning to Baekhyun.
Baekhyun turns the box over, reading the familiar lines and Chanyeol's responses.
"Tell me you love me now.
I love you now. I love you always. (Meet Joe Black, 1998)"
"Yes, yes, yes, yes. I promise I do."
"On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the happiness of your marriage? (Mr. & Mrs. Smith, 2005)"
"3 492, and we're not even married….Yet."
“Pardon my lips. They find joy in the most unusual places.” (A Good Year, 2006)
"Remember when I said this to you and you immediately saw through it? How was I supposed to know you'd seen the movie? AHAHA."
"You're the first boy I ever kissed, [Baek], and I want you to be the last." (Sweet Home Alabama, 2002)
"OK, this may be a bit of a stretch, but I do want you to be the last. And once we're married, it'll be perfect every time."
Back then, Chanyeol had been obsessed with the idea of getting married. Baekhyun had found it exhausting rather than endearingly annoying, with Chanyeol constantly throwing the idea of marriage at him. Honestly, Baekhyun had cringed every time he'd brought it up, because Baekhyun hadn't wanted to rush anything; they were young and unprepared for that kind of life, Baekhyun reasoned. Knowing this, Chanyeol had gotten the promise rings instead.
"Promise me something," he had said, beaming after risking their lives by crossing the busy street when the light had just turned green. He had stopped on the other side, holding Baekhyun's hands tightly between them, their skin exposed to the cold autumn wind. Baekhyun had asked what kind of promise he'd wanted. "We've already endured a lot in our relationship, and the future I want for us probably holds more tough times but―" He'd taken a deep breath. "―I hope being with me is worth it all. I know it is for me. I wouldn't know what to do without you, Baek, so please don't let me go until I'm ready to let you go."
Baekhyun remembers how serious Chanyeol had been, and he rarely ever was. Baekhyun had pursed his lips. When he hadn't said anything, Chanyeol took out the once glossy blue box from his pocket and removed one of the rings, sliding it on of one Baekhyun's fingers and the other on one of his own. Baekhyun hadn't liked the way Chanyeol had worded the promise, but he agreed anyways. In return, he had made him promise to always stay honest with him and love him just as he does.
If Baekhyun had known how useless it was to make Chanyeol promise him anything, he wouldn't have bothered.
Baekhyun opens the box now, taking a look at the grooves in which the rings were once placed, and is surprised to find one inside. The silver band glints in the sunlight, its surface polished as if it'd never left the box.
Baekhyun feels like he's been slapped. Do the rings mean nothing to Chanyeol? Have they ever meant anything? When had he put his back in the box? Baekhyun grips the box tightly, his expression solemn and angry. He's hurt, insulted, feels rejected, but most of all he's embarrassed. He looks at his own ring, the date of their promise engraved on its surface and is embarrassed to find out that, despite all of their troubles, he is the only one still wearing his.
For the first time since last night, Baekhyun leaves his room. He stands near the bedroom door, suddenly frozen when he sees Chanyeol resting on the couch after a long day of work. He fidgets nervously, turning the ring over in his right hand and gripping the box in his left hand. Somehow, Baekhyun resists the urge to scream and charge at Chanyeol and slowly walks towards the couch, his head low. Chanyeol looks at his husband without saying a word, but notices his tense steps as he makes his way forward, as if he is trying hard not to explode.
All of Baekhyun's actions are slow and careful. He puts the box down on the coffee table, and when he straightens himself, his eyes are cloudy and his expression unreadable. Neither of them moves until Chanyeol decides to sit up, finding Baekhyun hovering over him creepy.
"What?" he ventures, but his face tells Baekhyun he doesn't really care. Baekhyun's lips set themselves in a thin, pale line. He gently grabs Chanyeol's left hand and almost drops it, the contact feeling foreign. Baekhyun holds his lover's gaze a long time before he brings the ring forward and slips it on Chanyeol's index finger, unbothered that it didn't go all the way to the base.
"I―" Baekhyun shudders, as if talking to Chanyeol had become the hardest thing for him to do now. He tries to keep his voice even as he says, "You may have broken your vows, but I'll keep my promise to you."
He averts his eyes, looking at everything but at Chanyeol's stoic face. Finally he clears his throat and drops Chanyeol's hand, taking wary steps back into his bedroom.
Baekhyun thinks he sees Chanyeol's face transform as he closes the door, slowly enough to see him pick up the box and open it. Instead of finding Baekhyun's ring like he had expected, Chanyeol finds the Polaroid picture he had been looking to remove the other day, crumpled and abused.
~
[ part 2]