Unforgiveness
Have you experienced it before? Being judged for your past actions, again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.
Happened today. My colleague was pointing out that sometimes I don't deliver what I said I would deliver. Like, promising to return a call. When pressed for specific examples, she said she doesn't remember, that she try to remember things which are unpleasant and then give a disclaimer that nowadays the problem has not recurred as often. When pressed, she gave an example as vague as anything that happened an indeterminate time ago.
I was first annoyed, for a variety of reasons.
1. I felt bad about my shortcomings, no matter committed how long ago.
2. There were no specific examples, I don't know how many of those instances have valid reasons for which she did not bother to enquire, but still mentally put a black mark on my personal report book in her brain. If her words are meant for me to improve, I'm not aware which occasions I did fall short, and can do nothing to those blind spots.
3. Looks like there will never be a time I can start anew or redeem myself. Even when she acknowledges that nowadays it very seldom occurs, each and every time she will bring it out. I feel "unforgiven".
4. If I were to keep track of her faults the way she does mine, I think I can come out with a lot of things, and I didn't. Did she understand? I don't think so.
But then I thought again:
1. What's past is past. There is only now. I will just improve over time.
2. I'm not perfect. And I don't want the burden of perfection to get in the way of morale for my improvement.
3. I have to practice not being affected by others' words. The locus of control of my emotions is me, not some other person who don't understand me.
4. I strive to be a forgiving person, I can and will forgive her faults and her limitations, faster, better than she does mine.
You see, there's no way around it. The mind prison that we construct for ourselves have to be liberated by ourselves, from ourselves.
It is never useful to dwell and dwell. The only sensible thing, the only possible thing is let it go, let it out, then press ahead, do what is good, do what is good, do what is good, do what is good, do what is good, do what is good.
Happened today. My colleague was pointing out that sometimes I don't deliver what I said I would deliver. Like, promising to return a call. When pressed for specific examples, she said she doesn't remember, that she try to remember things which are unpleasant and then give a disclaimer that nowadays the problem has not recurred as often. When pressed, she gave an example as vague as anything that happened an indeterminate time ago.
I was first annoyed, for a variety of reasons.
1. I felt bad about my shortcomings, no matter committed how long ago.
2. There were no specific examples, I don't know how many of those instances have valid reasons for which she did not bother to enquire, but still mentally put a black mark on my personal report book in her brain. If her words are meant for me to improve, I'm not aware which occasions I did fall short, and can do nothing to those blind spots.
3. Looks like there will never be a time I can start anew or redeem myself. Even when she acknowledges that nowadays it very seldom occurs, each and every time she will bring it out. I feel "unforgiven".
4. If I were to keep track of her faults the way she does mine, I think I can come out with a lot of things, and I didn't. Did she understand? I don't think so.
But then I thought again:
1. What's past is past. There is only now. I will just improve over time.
2. I'm not perfect. And I don't want the burden of perfection to get in the way of morale for my improvement.
3. I have to practice not being affected by others' words. The locus of control of my emotions is me, not some other person who don't understand me.
4. I strive to be a forgiving person, I can and will forgive her faults and her limitations, faster, better than she does mine.
You see, there's no way around it. The mind prison that we construct for ourselves have to be liberated by ourselves, from ourselves.
It is never useful to dwell and dwell. The only sensible thing, the only possible thing is let it go, let it out, then press ahead, do what is good, do what is good, do what is good, do what is good, do what is good, do what is good.