CONFESSION
i used to be a really overly nice person when i lived in california. I would do anything for anyone out of the kindness of my heart. I was often taken advantage of, and at the time i didnt care because i was just glad i had friends. Many people dont know this but in mid, and elementary school i didnt have many friends and i was often humiliated and i was always alone.
Well, time progresses and i still struggle to be the perfect daughter, the perfect girl and the perfect person... which can never be achieved but i tried. I didnt have sex, i didnt do drugs, i didnt smoke, drink or curse. AND then time still progressed. I finally got up the nerve to make decisions for myself and opt. for ppl other than my family to hear my opinions. Of course school teachers always had that priviledge if i didnt think they were doing something right.. but that was still me Trying so hard to be the perfect person, because the perfect person would stand up for those who are of lesser power. But, then i decided that it was okay to curse as long as you kept it to particular ears for respect. Then, i was talked into drinking. I tried it, didnt get drunk... got a little buzz... but of course i wanted to still be a saint compareded to others so i didnt ever get drunk.
THen, I had sex. I thought at the time that it was okay because i trused them and i thought i would be with that person forever.. which of course was bullshit. I never ever wanted to sleep with more than one person... ever. I always had this dream(not litterally) that i would fall in love in highschool and date the perfect person and be with them forever... perfect. Because i thought that that is what the perfect person would have.....
THEN,, i tried pot. I felt like i had lost all of my morals at that point. I felt as though i had been tainted forever no longer a virgin in any sense of the word drugs, alcohol and sex.
I started to see hell in others eyes, the kind of empty soul that a person that had lost their morals would hang out with. well, at that point around them, i was still 'better' because i never did any hard drugs. But they didnt have a care for the world .. no one.. and that was scarry.
THen, i no longer had my only partner and i was on to another. I had sex with a second person. I could no longer be perfect. I looked inward with guilt and i quit smoking weed for good.
BUT THEN, there was this shining book...."kiss my tiara"
It gave me permission to do what i want to do and it be okay. Its okay not to be nice, and its okay not to be perfect.
I feel freeier than ever. AND now i am on a mission of redemption and expression to become myself and not let anything, or anyone with any expectations tell me what is right, what is moral, or what i 'should' do.
I have small boobs, a large ass, i have had sex with two people, i have smoked pot, i cuss, i dont go to church, i have zits, i drive a shitty car and i get paid shitty, i am the smallest on the totem pole at work, i am a terrible speller, i am retarted when it comes to math, i am opininated, stubborn, hard to please, hard to buy for, i have cellulite, i am short, i bite my fingernails and cuticles all the time, i chew on the inside of my mouth, my toenail polish is comming off and i havent re-touched it in a couple months, i have flat feet, I am the most disgustingly messy person, i dont excersize enough, i am not the best friend, i am not the best girlfriend, i am not the most perfect daughter, i dont have long beautiful feminine hair anymore, i have gained weight, i dont practice drawing enough, i have sideburns,i dont read my chapters in my book, i wait to the last min. if i think ill have time to do so, i have to have at least eight hours of sleep a night.
on the otherhand.
i have long legs, i have normal feet, i am healthy, i have a good skin tone, i have nicely shaped feminine finger(and nails) i like the mole on my leg, i have great calf muscles, i have a little waist,i have healthy hair, i consider myself honored to work where i work with who i am learning from, i dont have freckles,i dont have zits anywhere but my face, i have blonde arm hair, i was a great goalie, i am very creative, i am very intelligent, i pick up anything artsy- fartsy quicky, older people like me, i keep a very well organized schedule, i have a wonderful family, i like my eye color, and i like my hair color, i like my nipples, i like chin, i am sucessful with my goals, i have achieved a lot, i can keep a plan alive, i can whip up a flower arrangement like nobodies buisness! i am helpful, i enjoy some of the smallest things in life, ill never be to old to blow bubbles, ill never be too old to climb trees, ill never be too old to window shop or people watch, and ill never stop going on adventures, i love nature, i love spontenaity(sp) and i love beauty. I love smells. I think 20 is more important than 21.
i have sympathy for those who i dont know if they canhelp themselves, i will never sympathize for those who can.
I am a woman and i accept myself.
Well, time progresses and i still struggle to be the perfect daughter, the perfect girl and the perfect person... which can never be achieved but i tried. I didnt have sex, i didnt do drugs, i didnt smoke, drink or curse. AND then time still progressed. I finally got up the nerve to make decisions for myself and opt. for ppl other than my family to hear my opinions. Of course school teachers always had that priviledge if i didnt think they were doing something right.. but that was still me Trying so hard to be the perfect person, because the perfect person would stand up for those who are of lesser power. But, then i decided that it was okay to curse as long as you kept it to particular ears for respect. Then, i was talked into drinking. I tried it, didnt get drunk... got a little buzz... but of course i wanted to still be a saint compareded to others so i didnt ever get drunk.
THen, I had sex. I thought at the time that it was okay because i trused them and i thought i would be with that person forever.. which of course was bullshit. I never ever wanted to sleep with more than one person... ever. I always had this dream(not litterally) that i would fall in love in highschool and date the perfect person and be with them forever... perfect. Because i thought that that is what the perfect person would have.....
THEN,, i tried pot. I felt like i had lost all of my morals at that point. I felt as though i had been tainted forever no longer a virgin in any sense of the word drugs, alcohol and sex.
I started to see hell in others eyes, the kind of empty soul that a person that had lost their morals would hang out with. well, at that point around them, i was still 'better' because i never did any hard drugs. But they didnt have a care for the world .. no one.. and that was scarry.
THen, i no longer had my only partner and i was on to another. I had sex with a second person. I could no longer be perfect. I looked inward with guilt and i quit smoking weed for good.
BUT THEN, there was this shining book...."kiss my tiara"
It gave me permission to do what i want to do and it be okay. Its okay not to be nice, and its okay not to be perfect.
I feel freeier than ever. AND now i am on a mission of redemption and expression to become myself and not let anything, or anyone with any expectations tell me what is right, what is moral, or what i 'should' do.
I have small boobs, a large ass, i have had sex with two people, i have smoked pot, i cuss, i dont go to church, i have zits, i drive a shitty car and i get paid shitty, i am the smallest on the totem pole at work, i am a terrible speller, i am retarted when it comes to math, i am opininated, stubborn, hard to please, hard to buy for, i have cellulite, i am short, i bite my fingernails and cuticles all the time, i chew on the inside of my mouth, my toenail polish is comming off and i havent re-touched it in a couple months, i have flat feet, I am the most disgustingly messy person, i dont excersize enough, i am not the best friend, i am not the best girlfriend, i am not the most perfect daughter, i dont have long beautiful feminine hair anymore, i have gained weight, i dont practice drawing enough, i have sideburns,i dont read my chapters in my book, i wait to the last min. if i think ill have time to do so, i have to have at least eight hours of sleep a night.
on the otherhand.
i have long legs, i have normal feet, i am healthy, i have a good skin tone, i have nicely shaped feminine finger(and nails) i like the mole on my leg, i have great calf muscles, i have a little waist,i have healthy hair, i consider myself honored to work where i work with who i am learning from, i dont have freckles,i dont have zits anywhere but my face, i have blonde arm hair, i was a great goalie, i am very creative, i am very intelligent, i pick up anything artsy- fartsy quicky, older people like me, i keep a very well organized schedule, i have a wonderful family, i like my eye color, and i like my hair color, i like my nipples, i like chin, i am sucessful with my goals, i have achieved a lot, i can keep a plan alive, i can whip up a flower arrangement like nobodies buisness! i am helpful, i enjoy some of the smallest things in life, ill never be to old to blow bubbles, ill never be too old to climb trees, ill never be too old to window shop or people watch, and ill never stop going on adventures, i love nature, i love spontenaity(sp) and i love beauty. I love smells. I think 20 is more important than 21.
i have sympathy for those who i dont know if they canhelp themselves, i will never sympathize for those who can.
I am a woman and i accept myself.