The many iterations of the wedding guide
Here is the original original, sent to Rebecca years ago:
The wedding last night put me in a mood to discuss weddings, and all the honors to be distributed & the requirements for them. Because A) i think it'd be interesting to see who can do what, and how much actually needs to be done by Jews/male Jews/observant male Jews. Plus I wanted to tell you about Jewish weddings.
From a week before the wedding, the bride & groom don't see each other. They have close friends "guard" them, and keep them sane. This is particularly on the night preceding & day of the wedding itself. This best friend doesn't need to do anything official (very personally defined position: If a poking fight with the bride will relax her & keep her from freaking out, the shomeret is certain allowed to start one.) The Shabbat before the wedding, the bride & groom go to different synagogues. The groom gets an aliya, and prolly gets to give aliyas to other folks he likes. These obviously need to be the sort of people who can usually get an aliya (jewish boys).
On the day itself, the boy probably goes to mikveh (optional). The bride must go at some point before the wedding, and probably brings company because it is her first time. A married friend is probably good for this, but really need only be female. Women go to mikveh at night time. The groom will do what he needs to do to feel spiritual, or to feel relaxed (the bride probably as well). Naps are pretty common. Also, because the wedding day is considered a personal Yom Kippur, the couple fast until the wedding (there are ways out if absolutely neccesary). So then comes the reception. Everyone else eats and drinks, taunting the couple at how they are NOT fasting. The parents of the couple offer them food, because they forget that bride & groom are fasting. At this point the shomer/et pokes them hard in the ribs for being mean. (Poking is a key part of the job as you can see). The groom will have a Chatan's tisch (table). It is very much stag (no girls allowed). There will be rabbis writing the ketuba, which the groom then signs in front of witnesses. Witnesses occur at a few points, this is potentially the first. Witnesses are two observant Jewish men over bar mitzva who are not related to the bride groom or each other. They can be friends or rabbis (most likely two possibilities). I said potentially the first. If the parents want to, they can write Tannaim (conditions). These conditions basically say we will ensure the couple shows up to the chuppa (moot point by now), and help them out when they start their marriage (I think it specifies them buying clothes for the couple). It is mostly silly. It exists for three reasons: 1) to honor more people with signing things 2) because there are circles where it is done well in advance and they promise a bunch of stuff, like an apt or to support him in learning for x years (not in any community I'm in, but they do exist) 3) because after you sign it, the mothers get to break a plate, and breaking dishes is fun.
Then, while the bride sits on a big chair to make her look like she is the Queen for the day (which a bride is considered to be), the groom is danced over to her. This is called the badeken. He basically checks to make sure it is really her, and that he isn't being tricked like Ya'akov was. It also serves as the official beginning of the crying part at weddings. He puts the veil down, which has some Kabbalistic meaning, but yeah, basically he flips the veil and gets danced away. Maybe it is a symbol that he'll dress her (i.e. give her clothes) in their married life.
Groom gets danced to chuppa and here begins The Main Event. Four people hold up the chuppa on poles. These people just need to be able to hold the poles, no other requirements (good place for girls). The groom stands there while the bride gets walked down by either her parents, or the mothers of the couple. The groom gets walked down by either fathers or his parents (this is before that whole him standing there part). Then the bride, her mom & her mom in law walk around groom 7 times while he prays for a long & happy marriage and other such things. Again, kabbalistic. Bride stands next to groom. Then someone announces: Rabbi So-and-so is honored with being mesader kiddushin. Basically, he is the rabbi who "does" your wedding. He pretty much has to be a rabbi so that it works legally, as well as religiously. .He then makes two blessings over a glass of wine (borei pri hagafen, and one on the mitzva of marriages). The groom takes out a ring, well guarded by his trustworthy friend (someone responsible). Rabbi asks if he owns the ring and if it worth money. Hopefully he says yes. Groom then says a formula to the bride and gives her the ring, in front of witnesses. Again, two frum guys not related to anybody. The rabbi says "Mekudeshet" (married, sort of). Everyone else says "Mekudeshet". Then the rabbi speaks, somewhat briefly. Breifly is defined by the rabbi, but there is usually a band to play him off if people get tired of listening to him. (I've never seen him played off, but it could happen, and I'd love to see it. Perhaps as a joke.) Then a person reads the ketuba. This person must be able to read Aramaic in front of a group of people. No other real requirements. Then the bride and groom are "secluded" under the chuppa. It means everyone goes out of it for a sec. Then they start calling people up for Sheva Brachot. These people say blessings. The first two usually go to the rabbi who did the wedding. The rest need to go to Jewish men. And they need to be able to read Hebrew in front of people. Most of them are short, and all are extremely manageable. Then the rabbi talks about breaking the glass, and the groom does so. Everyone yells mazal tov, and the bride and groom get danced off the the yichud room. Here they are alone for several minutes. I've heard between 7 and 18. There are witnesses outside who are mostly very bored. Because there is nothing for them to do but guard the door. The bride and groom can do whatever they want ;-). That will likely be eat, as they were fasting, remember? Changing clothes is not so uncommon, but not neccesary.
At the actually meal, well there's dancing, but this is mostly non-formal stuff, so fast forward a sec to the birkat hamazon. At the end, the one who lead says the last of the sheva brachot. the other six are said by other Jewish men. This repeats itself for the rest of the week at other Sheva brachas. However, finding these men should be easy as a minyan is required for sheva brachas.
That wraps it up.
Here is the more recent original, updated from the above after I'd proposed:
From a week before the wedding, the bride & groom don't see each other. They have close friends "guard" them, and keep them sane. This is particularly on the night preceding & day of the wedding itself. This best friend doesn't need to do anything official (very personally defined position) The Shabbat before the wedding, the bride & groom go to different synagogues. The groom gets an aliya, and probably gets to give aliyot to other folks he likes. These obviously need to be the sort of people who can usually get an aliya in that variety of synagogue (jewish men in an Orthodox shul).
On the day itself, the boy probably goes to mikveh (optional). The bride must go at some point before the wedding, and probably brings company because it is her first time. A married friend is probably good for this, but really need only be female. Women go to mikveh at night time. The groom will do what he needs to do to feel spiritual, or to feel relaxed (the bride probably as well). Naps are pretty common. Also, because the wedding day is considered a personal Yom Kippur, the couple fast until the wedding (there are ways out if absolutely neccesary, such as holding the wedding on Hanukkah or certain other calenar days). So then comes the Kabbalat Panim, which is most akin to a cocktail hour with smorgasboard. Everyone else eats and drinks, taunting the couple at how they are NOT fasting. The parents of the couple offer them food, because they forget that bride & groom are fasting (J/K) The groom will have a Chatan's tisch (groom's table). It is very much stag (no girls allowed). There will be rabbis writing the ketuba (marriage contract), which the groom then signs in front of witnesses. Witnesses occur at a few points, this is potentially the first. Witnesses are two observant Jewish men over bar mitzva who are not related to the bride, groom or each other. They can be friends or rabbis (most likely two possibilities). I said potentially the first. If the parents want to, they can write Tannaim (conditions).
The tannaim can say whatever both sets of parents want. There are a few common iterations. The one which says the least essentially says that "we the groom's family have no claims on the bride's family and got everything they promised us, and we the bride's family...(same). The one which says slightly more says
we (the parents) will ensure the couple shows up to the chuppa (moot point by now), and help them out when they start their marriage (I think it specifies them buying clothes for the couple).
There is a third version which says even more which I'm not even going to discuss (it has things like curses for anyone who breaks an engagement, etc) THere is a fourth one I heard about that no one today does, as far as I know.
It is mostly silly. It exists for three reasons: 1) to honor more people with signing things 2) because there are circles where it is done well in advance and they promise a bunch of stuff, like an apt or to support him in learning for x years (not in any community I'm in, but they do exist) 3) because after you sign it, the mothers get to break a plate, and breaking dishes is fun.
Then, while the bride sits on a big chair to make her look like she is the Queen for the day (which a bride is considered to be), the groom is danced over to her. This is called the badeken. He basically checks to make sure it is really her, and that he isn't being tricked like Jacob was by Laban. It also serves as the official beginning of the crying part at weddings. He puts the veil down, which has some Kabbalistic meaning, but yeah, basically he flips the veil and gets danced away. Maybe it is a symbol that he'll dress her (i.e. give her clothes) in their married life.
Groom gets danced to chuppa and here begins The Main Event.
Everyone who isn't "in the wedding" sits down, leaving space in the front for those who will formally process in. This seating is generally done with all the men on one side of the aisle and all the women on the other. This is out of respect for the religious aspects of the wedding ceremony. However, there is no "mechitza" (divider) as such and thus no intervening objects other than people who are taller or wearing silly hats sitting in front. Once all the unhonored guests (or the guests who are not being especially honored) are seated, elder relatives are often walked down the aisle first to sit in the front row. Frequently they are escorted by a younger and more able-bodied relative (sisters/cousins and grandparents perhaps?). Then the groom enters escorted by his parents, bearing candles (unsure why candles, but they are a fun tradition). A song is then sung in Hebrew (by someone more capable than this particular groom). I believe then the bride comes, escorted by her parents, also bearing candles (she's definitely last, but I may be forgettiong an intervening step. Also, groom may precede elder relatives) A custom I have seen, and like, is that shortly before reaching the chuppa (symbolic of the home into which the groom will bring the bride) the parents allow their daughter to walk on her own to the chuppa (if she wants, which one hopes she does) rather than escorting her all the way. I saw it as a symbol that she is not being given by her parents to the groom but choosing to go to him on her own. Parents then follow bride to chuppa.
Then the bride, her mom & his mom walk around groom 7 times while he prays for a long & happy marriage and other such things. Again, kabbalistic. Bride stands next to groom. Then someone announces: Rabbi So-and-so is honored with being mesader kiddushin (officiant). Basically, he is the rabbi who "does" your wedding. He then makes two blessings over a glass of wine (borei pri hagafen, and one on the mitzva of marriages). The groom takes out a ring, well guarded by his trustworthy friend (someone responsible). Rabbi asks if he owns the ring and if it worth money. Hopefully he says yes. Groom then says a formula to the bride and gives her the ring, in front of witnesses. Again, two frum guys not related to anybody. The rabbi says "Mekudeshet" (married, sort of). Everyone else says "Mekudeshet".
The cup of wine (which should for practical reasons be white wine, not too strong as they have been fasting, and of a taste desireable to both bride and groom) is then given to bride and groom to share. Passing cup under the veil to allow drinking can be complicated, and is additional reason to insist on white wine. The rabbi may then speak (hopefully this is arranged in advance. In practice there is only one rabbi I know who always does this),
somewhat briefly. Breifly is defined by the rabbi, but there is usually a band to play him off if people get tired of listening to him. (I've never seen him played off, but it could happen, and I'd love to see it. Perhaps as a joke.) Then a person reads the ketuba. This person must be able to read Aramaic in front of a group of people. No other real requirements. Then the bride and groom are "secluded" under the chuppa. It means everyone goes out of it for a sec. Then they start calling men up for Sheva Brachot (seven blessings). These people, generally including the officiating rabbi, say blessings. They need to be able to read Hebrew in front of people. Most of them are short, and all are extremely manageable. Then the rabbi talks about breaking the glass, and the groom does so. Everyone yells mazal tov, and the bride and groom get danced off the the yichud room. Here they are alone for several minutes. I've heard between 7 and 18. There are witnesses outside who are mostly very bored. Because there is nothing for them to do but guard the door. The bride and groom will likely eat, as they were fasting, remember?
Also, in the hustle and bustle of everything, they often get little chance to eat at the party afterwards, so now is the best opportunity. Then, while the unhonored guests are distracted by soups and salads (see, they are honored by eating first), the families gather somewhere for picture taking. Since the bride and groom don't see each other on the day of the wedding until the badeken, this is the time for bride and groom together pictures. Bride and groom seperately pictures (groom, groom with parents, groom w/ grandparents, groom w/ other grandparents, etc repeat for bride) are generally taken before all the guests show up.
At the actual meal, well there's dancing, but this is mostly non-formal stuff,
Seating for the meal is mixed for those who are comfortble with that (some yeshiva friends may not be...seat those men who wish to sit seperately at as many tables as they need, place far from the table(s) of those women who wish to sit seperately). Some people have completely seperate seating with a divider. I don't think anyone wants that here. Dancing usually happens in two "rounds". Essentially, after pictures are taken and salads are eaten, bride and groom enter to much fanfare and dancing occurs. When everyone (read as: the band) is tired of dancing/hungry for dinner, everyone is told to sit down as the entrees are served. Dessert can be immediately or postponed till after more dancing or be served after the initial rush of second round of dancing has ended (as people tire, they can sit down to dessert, get pepped up again, and dance more). This is followed by
the birkat hamazon (grace after meals). At the end, the one who lead the birkat hamazon (often a kohen, but not neccesarily) says the last of the sheva brachot (seven blessings, as said under the chuppah, but with first transposed to last) which is borei pri gafen. the other six are said by other Jewish men. This repeats itself for the rest of the week at other Sheva brachas. However, finding these men should be easy as a minyan is required for sheva brachas.
Dancing related stuff that usually happens at yeshiva weddings that Bill has been to, and a little miscellaneous:
- bride and groom are at some point lifted on chairs, often simultaneously, and carried to near the divider. A long cloth object (belt, flag, scarf, etc) is given to them for them to hold opposite ends of and "dance" together.
- parents of bride and groom are lifted on chairs (especially fathers as men tend to be more enthused about lifting people on chairs)
- Those in the observant community will make special efforts to include parents and relatives in dancing and yeshiva shtick, knowing that this is not what they are accustomed to
- at various points bride, groom, and any collection of parents, grandparents are assembled on men's side and seated. Men then try to do silly/impressive things (juggle, funny hats, funny costumes, strange dances) to make the aforementioned people happy. Bride will be shuttled frequently between sides, parents less frequently, grandparents less frequently still. Those seated will also be able to ask for water and whatnot, as especially bride and groom expected to participate enthusiastically all the way through both rounds
- Bride and groom will be asked to give blessings to mostly single friends (some marrieds too) when said friend is heading out.
A lot of the meal related ordering of stuff is flexible. Grace after meals can be said before the second round of dancing to include those who will leave during second round (as many people do, especially those who drove from relatively far away). Dessert can be before or after the grace, and the eating/dancing lineup can be changed around.
That wraps it up.
This is the version sent to my parents, with the parts with the line being the content of the original which went to Rebecca's parents through her:
Bill's experience of Orthodox weddings:
They occur in three main parts.
1. The Kabbalat Panim. Literally face reception, this precedes the chuppa and a smorgasboard/hors d'ouvere (sp?) are served. Generally this lasts between 1 hour to 90 minutes.
2. The Chuppah itself. This is the ceremony, which is intended to be the main event. This generally lasts 20-30 minutes
3. The meal and dancing. This lasts the remainder of the time.
I will admit that I know less of what goes on with brides at such things for a variety of reasons. 1) usually I am at the wedding because I know the groom. 2) I am myself a boy and thus end up at the boy events.
During the Kabbalat Panim, the bride and groom sit in seperate rooms. The bride sits on a big fancy chair (usually) looking like a queen for the day. I believe people come over and tell her how beautiful she looks. Some may ask for a blessing. If the bride can't think of anything, she should say generically nice things (you should be successful, etc). There will be hors d'ouvere and beverages for the guests (and I often find this to be more enjoyable than the later food)
The groom sits at a "chatan's tisch" (groom's table). Men will congregate here, particularly for the signing of documents. The ketuba and possibly tannaim are signed. The most basic tannaim essentially say that "we family of groom agree that we recieved everything we were promised by family of bride and have no claims on them. We family of bride agree that we recieved everything we were promised by family of groom and have no claims on them." There are communities that agree to more in the tannaim, but it is by no means neccesary. The ketuba is signed by the groom and two witnesses who are observant Jewish men not related to each other, the bride or the groom. The tannaim are signed by the two fathers and two witnesses. After the tannaim are signed the mothers are handed a plate wrapped in a napkin, which they bang on the back of a chair until the plate breaks.
The groom is then danced by his friends over to where the bride is sitting. He lowers her veil. Sometimes he or she speaks briefly with some of the parents (blessing one's children at this point is not unheard of). Those who customarily cry at weddings begin now. He is then danced away. The bride then (I suppose) waits for everyone to go away and prepares to walk down the aisle.
I know you both (Dad especially) like the blessing of children. If you study up you are welcome to say it on this occassion, or elsewhere in the ceremony as appropriate.
CHUPPAH: Everyone sits down, except for those who will enter in the processional. Seating is seperate but without a mechitza (dividing object) so men on one side of aisle and women on the other. If there is a flower girl, she does her thing. The groom enters, flanked by his parents bearing candles. Elder relatives then enter, accompanied by sisters/cousins/etc of the bride and groom (Thought on part of Bill: Jessica w/ grandma, Haley w/ Nan, becca's fam however they want)
Mom suggested doing each set of cousins with its respective grandmother (so Jess & Grandma, Andrew Haley and Nan), since I can't find a better role for Andrew.
Finally the bride enters, flanked by her parents bearing candles. A nice custom I have seen is to have the bride accompanied most of the way down the aisle, but to allow her to walk on her own to stand with her groom. The bride and the two mothers then circle the groom 7 times. There are a few Hebrew songs that are sung during the time that all of the preceding procession occurs. The officiant is then called up to officiate. He says two blessings, one on the mitzvah of marriage and another on a cup of wine. The groom then gives the bride a ring, saying a formula, and they are married. They share this cup of wine, which is a trick to do around the veil.
Sometimes, there is a brief charge to the couple (speech) by the officiant or someone else. The ketuba is then read. Six Jewish men are then called up in turn to recite one of the Sheva Brachot (seven blessings, of which the first person gets two). The couple share another cup of wine. Then comes breaking the glass. After the glass is broken, the couple is danced away to the yichud room, where they are secluded.
PARTY: While bride and groom are being alone, everyone else goes to begin eating (again). When the bride and groom finish being alone, they go to take pictures together, and with relevant family members and such. By custom this cannot be done before, but I am aware of rabbis who allow it to be done before, I think. When the bride and groom enter, the dancing begins in earnest. This goes until someone (band, waiters, couple...unsure) decides it is time to stop dancing and eat dinner. The meal is served. After eating, there is more dancing. At some point, there is the saying of BIrkat hamazon (grace after meals). In addition to the regular grace after meals, the seven blessings are repeated. Potentially a new 6 people are honored with saying them.