lack
I seek advice, but there is no one with whom I can ask. I wish I could. The woman of my dreams couldn’t get her clingy ex boyfriend out of her head, so she decided to dump both of us - to see neither of us, since clearly she could give neither of us what we wanted. It was painful. I was physically ill all of yesterday, and not feeling good today either. It rained hard yesterday. For whatever that’s worth.
But my problem isn’t just not being able to be with the woman of my dreams. The problem lies in the fact that the purpose was to get her head clear - break off contact with both of us, then re-assess the situation with a clear head. This may be some time down the road, and we may never learn of her conclusions. So with a heart ripping goodbye, I bid her well, had her remove her number from my phone, dropped her from facebook and gave her the time and solitude she desired. And this seems to be my problem. She proposed a solution and I took it seriously. She does not seem to be taking it seriously. She claimed she wanted to drop contact with both of us, and yet I’m the only one she’s actually dropped contact with. Does this mean she’s so willing to break my heart just for an idea she’s not willing to take seriously herself? Am I so meaningless to her? Or is this simply because of the three of us, I’m the only one capable of taking her seriously, and what she really wants is for me to run back to her, confront the other guy, tie him to the railroad tracks (while twirling my moustache maniacally) and basically not take her any seriously than she takes herself? Perhaps a third option is there… perhaps she’s willing to take the idea seriously, but he isn’t, leading him to continue to hound her, and solitude is something that is simply out of my control to give her, and out of her ability to actually ask for. She seems comfortable asking me for things, but with him… he’s rejected her so many times already, she hesitates to ask him for anything else. It’s strange - her previous boyfriend didn’t listen to a word she said either, and she now claims he was an asshole - I wonder why that same assumption isn’t laid on this guy too, who also doesn’t seem to listen to a word she says.
In the meantime though, life stings. Illness. My throat hurts. Down near the larynx it hurts, aches all the time. I’m tired, but I don’t want to sleep at night. Melancholy. I was going to see her today, but I didn’t know if I would have been giving her enough time. (am I the only one who ever thinks of her needs?) I have a couple things of hers I needed to return - perhaps it would be best to just drop it off in her mailbox sometime, but I still long to see her. It makes me realize that is probably why the other guy, a significantly weaker person than myself, has probably not dropped off contact yet. He’s probably going to make excuse after excuse to continue to see her occasionally, not giving her any time whatsoever to contemplate anything. He’ll use returning items, mutual friends, etc as excuses. But everything seems to be reminding me of her. The library, where we met so many times for lunch and hugs - even one of my students talked to me today because he wants to give a speech on Kim Chi, and we were talking about palisades park, NJ, where he went last week, and my paramour and I went about a month ago. I still have some of her Kim Chi in the fridge currently.
I wonder sometimes, about people like... apparantly everyone before me that she's ever dated. They all had a way of keeping her down. Of keeping her self-esteem at rock bottom levels. Verbal abuse. Mental abuse. Recently, not listening to her and passive-aggressive methods of making her think that what she has is perhaps all she needs or deserves. Is this how guys get chicks? Do they make them think so poorly of themselves that they will never leave? Is the goal to make the woman think "well, I might as well stay with ryan, I don't deserve someone smart anyway, and the little that we have must be all we need - I'm probably not so smart myself when it comes right down to it". This woman is phenomenal. She's brilliant, beautiful - and she can't see it. In her core, she knows it, but at the surface level she keeps telling herself to reject these ideas and just settle. Perhaps I should have not told her how much she really was. Perhaps I should have just kept her down like everyone else has. But I don't want to be that guy. I want her, but I want her to know what she is, and know what she truly is. If she can't see that... well, that's my loss.
Zeus - god of regret
But my problem isn’t just not being able to be with the woman of my dreams. The problem lies in the fact that the purpose was to get her head clear - break off contact with both of us, then re-assess the situation with a clear head. This may be some time down the road, and we may never learn of her conclusions. So with a heart ripping goodbye, I bid her well, had her remove her number from my phone, dropped her from facebook and gave her the time and solitude she desired. And this seems to be my problem. She proposed a solution and I took it seriously. She does not seem to be taking it seriously. She claimed she wanted to drop contact with both of us, and yet I’m the only one she’s actually dropped contact with. Does this mean she’s so willing to break my heart just for an idea she’s not willing to take seriously herself? Am I so meaningless to her? Or is this simply because of the three of us, I’m the only one capable of taking her seriously, and what she really wants is for me to run back to her, confront the other guy, tie him to the railroad tracks (while twirling my moustache maniacally) and basically not take her any seriously than she takes herself? Perhaps a third option is there… perhaps she’s willing to take the idea seriously, but he isn’t, leading him to continue to hound her, and solitude is something that is simply out of my control to give her, and out of her ability to actually ask for. She seems comfortable asking me for things, but with him… he’s rejected her so many times already, she hesitates to ask him for anything else. It’s strange - her previous boyfriend didn’t listen to a word she said either, and she now claims he was an asshole - I wonder why that same assumption isn’t laid on this guy too, who also doesn’t seem to listen to a word she says.
In the meantime though, life stings. Illness. My throat hurts. Down near the larynx it hurts, aches all the time. I’m tired, but I don’t want to sleep at night. Melancholy. I was going to see her today, but I didn’t know if I would have been giving her enough time. (am I the only one who ever thinks of her needs?) I have a couple things of hers I needed to return - perhaps it would be best to just drop it off in her mailbox sometime, but I still long to see her. It makes me realize that is probably why the other guy, a significantly weaker person than myself, has probably not dropped off contact yet. He’s probably going to make excuse after excuse to continue to see her occasionally, not giving her any time whatsoever to contemplate anything. He’ll use returning items, mutual friends, etc as excuses. But everything seems to be reminding me of her. The library, where we met so many times for lunch and hugs - even one of my students talked to me today because he wants to give a speech on Kim Chi, and we were talking about palisades park, NJ, where he went last week, and my paramour and I went about a month ago. I still have some of her Kim Chi in the fridge currently.
I wonder sometimes, about people like... apparantly everyone before me that she's ever dated. They all had a way of keeping her down. Of keeping her self-esteem at rock bottom levels. Verbal abuse. Mental abuse. Recently, not listening to her and passive-aggressive methods of making her think that what she has is perhaps all she needs or deserves. Is this how guys get chicks? Do they make them think so poorly of themselves that they will never leave? Is the goal to make the woman think "well, I might as well stay with ryan, I don't deserve someone smart anyway, and the little that we have must be all we need - I'm probably not so smart myself when it comes right down to it". This woman is phenomenal. She's brilliant, beautiful - and she can't see it. In her core, she knows it, but at the surface level she keeps telling herself to reject these ideas and just settle. Perhaps I should have not told her how much she really was. Perhaps I should have just kept her down like everyone else has. But I don't want to be that guy. I want her, but I want her to know what she is, and know what she truly is. If she can't see that... well, that's my loss.
Zeus - god of regret