Musings
There was a point in my life when I was sincerely convinced that the possibility of finding someone I could love was so small, that there was no chance of even trying anymore. So I stopped looking. I just decided that I had to find someone who was merely acceptable. That was a depressing day.
Recently I found someone who may indeed have been the rare type of person that a rare type of person like myself can really mesh with. But she's unavailable. I'm trying to figure out which one is more depressing... the thought that it's improbable to find anyone I want, or finding someone I want and not being able to be with them.
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It's been a while since I've written anything here. I'm mostly writing here for one main reason. I'm a bit heartbroken, and at this point I usually write on facebook. But I can't do that right now. My recent break was with a woman who couldn't get over an ex boyfriend. She tried to break up with him. Three times just while she was with me, actually. And at no point did he respect her decision. At no point did he even attempt to do anything but make her life more difficult. This amazed me. It amazed me that she put up with it. It amazed me that he could do it without feeling like a complete asshole. But he continued to contact her daily, and basically just make her life a living hell, and make her feel guilty on a daily basis. I guess sometimes you really can just be a whiney overly emotional guilt tripping asshole and still get the girl. Anyway, I digress. My point is - I can't do that. I can't take someone I care about and make them feel guilty. Even the above statement isn't something she needs to see. It doesn't matter what I, or anyone else thinks is best for her. Or me. All that matters is that she actually has the chance to live and make her own decisions without me making her feel guilty about those decisions. If my opinions would make her feel bad - and they would - then she doesn't need to see them inadvertantly. If she seeks them out, then that's her choice.
Recently I found someone who may indeed have been the rare type of person that a rare type of person like myself can really mesh with. But she's unavailable. I'm trying to figure out which one is more depressing... the thought that it's improbable to find anyone I want, or finding someone I want and not being able to be with them.
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It's been a while since I've written anything here. I'm mostly writing here for one main reason. I'm a bit heartbroken, and at this point I usually write on facebook. But I can't do that right now. My recent break was with a woman who couldn't get over an ex boyfriend. She tried to break up with him. Three times just while she was with me, actually. And at no point did he respect her decision. At no point did he even attempt to do anything but make her life more difficult. This amazed me. It amazed me that she put up with it. It amazed me that he could do it without feeling like a complete asshole. But he continued to contact her daily, and basically just make her life a living hell, and make her feel guilty on a daily basis. I guess sometimes you really can just be a whiney overly emotional guilt tripping asshole and still get the girl. Anyway, I digress. My point is - I can't do that. I can't take someone I care about and make them feel guilty. Even the above statement isn't something she needs to see. It doesn't matter what I, or anyone else thinks is best for her. Or me. All that matters is that she actually has the chance to live and make her own decisions without me making her feel guilty about those decisions. If my opinions would make her feel bad - and they would - then she doesn't need to see them inadvertantly. If she seeks them out, then that's her choice.