More Despair Ballads
(Continued from this post.)
'The Ballad of Tristram Eary' has been going slowly; I've been working on it for four months now. So, instead of waiting to make one massive verse post, I'll put the rest of the poems up at the rate of one a week. Criticism, constructive or otherwise, is welcome!
Title: "The Patriot"
Genre: Comedy, Victorian AU
Rating: Entirely suitable to a Victorian audience, i.e., offensive.
Summary: The adventures of a plucky immigrant girl, to be read aloud.
THE PATRIOT,
a poem to be read to children
(but absolutely not to the Irish)
She poised on the edge of a treacherous ledge,
'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!
She dined upon pigeon and poppy and sedge,
'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!
We knew that we loved her,
But not whence she came,
Or how she acquired her
Remarkable name,
FITZWILLIAM 'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR,
'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!
She popped into class in the middle of May,
'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!
She spoke in her unlackadaisical way:
"My name is FITZWILLIAM MACNAIR!"
Like a glimmer of fish or
The flash of a kite,
Or a mushroom that mushrooms
To sight overnight,
Appeared this 'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR,
'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!
Her clothing was tattered, and tousled her hair,
'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!
Her arms and her feet and her ankles were bare,
'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!
Her records were spotless,
But claimed she was older;
Her aspect was honest;
Her manners were bolder
Than any we'd known, but we didn't much care -
We welcomed 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!
MISS SYBIL, a person pedantic and proud,
Suspected 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR
And cornered her quarry and queried aloud,
"Who are you, 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR?"
Unwilling to pester,
But famished for fact,
Discreetly we asked her
With uttermost tact,
And gladly she told us the whole of the act...
THE BIRTH OF MIYUKI MACNAIR:
She slipped off a ship in the haze of the night,
MIYUKI, not yet a MACNAIR,
And slept on the cobbles and rose with the light,
And walked till she met with MACNAIR.
MACNAIR was a student,
The prey of despair,
Who tottered, despondent,
In Corcoran Square,
Proclaiming, "FITZWILLIAM McMARTIN MACNAIR
Will barter his name for a beer!"
The locals were leery, for what could they think
Of MISTER FITZWILLIAM MACNAIR?
"A shilling, a shilling, one shilling for drink,
And you'll be FITZWILLIAM MACNAIR!"
MIYUKI leapt up and
Declared with a cry,
"If give me your cap and
Your jacket and tie,
I give you a shilling and gladly I try
To be a FITZWILLIAM MACNAIR!"
CHORUS.
So she would be he,
And he would be she,
The transfer was honest as honest could be.
And fresh from her trip on the turbulent sea,
She couldn't have possibly planned...
That men would arrive to deport her that day,
Departing that day
(That terrible day!)
To carry the hapless FITZWILLIAM away,
Away to a faraway land.
---
On hearing her story, MISS SYBIL declared:
"'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!
The bargain was proper, so you shall be spared,
'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!
But beware, for our land is
Severe and austere;
You'll find no more handouts
For lazybones here!
(... now here is a shilling for sweeties, m'dear)
'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!"
Unsure of her safety, we followed her out,
We followed 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR,
Too fearful of danger, too fretful in doubt,
We shadowed 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.
The alms nearly splintered
Her charity box,
But soon we encountered
The sharpest of shocks:
A crate of her cousins encamped on the docks,
All fed by 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!
She wandered the way of Whitechapel at dusk;
Be wary, 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!
And wondered at 'doves' in mascara and musk.
Be chary, 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!
"In Old Country, 'Hookers'
Are slaves to their 'Guys,'
Who ply them with liquors
And tie them with lies;
But Englishman ladies have Free Enterprise!"
Said clever 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.
And pray, what befell when she heard of the crimes,
'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR?
THE RIPPER had published a note in the Times,
Which startled 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.
"In Old Country, killers,
They never behave -
They hide from the papers
And make shallow grave.
But Englishman killers are honest and brave!"
Applauded 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.
A clergyman said, "Let us pray for the soul -
The soul, MISS 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR! -
Of the urchin who labours to excavate coal.
Your thoughts, MISS 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR?"
"In Old Country, children
Are never to stray,
And beaten if linen
Is dirty with clay!
But Englishman children play dirty all day!"
Exulted 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.
Then boldly she strolled to the REGENCY PUB,
Did daring 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.
The barkeep was burly and carried a club,
And sneered at 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.
"These yellow brats come from
Them Chinaman ships -
Well, let's hear your name from
Them Chinaman lips!"
She laughed and replied with her hands on her hips,
"FITZWILLIAM McMARTIN MACNAIR!"
"Well, damn me, a Paddy! Your kind make me sick!"
He raged at 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.
"Come waltzin' in here, bein' shiftless and thick!"
Oh, flee him, 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!
But a Scotsman took pity,
And cried, "Ach, for shame!
The wee bairn's no Paddy,
I'd wager t' claim
MACNAIR is an honest Glaswegian name!"
"That's right!" said 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.
The barkeep was chastened, and poured her a draught,
"Forgive me, FITZWILLIAM MACNAIR!
I thought you a bad 'un, but clearly you're not -
Drink lively, FITZWILLIAM MACNAIR!"
The patrons, though clannish,
Indulged her in brew,
With drinks that were greenish,
And jokes that were blue,
And, tossing stilettoes till ten-after-two,
They drank to 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!
"So raise up your glasses, your hearts, and a cheer,
HURRAH FOR 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!
Oh, praise to our patriot, patron, and peer,
HURRAH FOR 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!
She'll brook no report of
Injustice or spite -
Such hearts are the heart of
Imperial might!
(She's not really Irish, so it is all right.)
HURRAH FOR 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!"
'The Ballad of Tristram Eary' has been going slowly; I've been working on it for four months now. So, instead of waiting to make one massive verse post, I'll put the rest of the poems up at the rate of one a week. Criticism, constructive or otherwise, is welcome!
Title: "The Patriot"
Genre: Comedy, Victorian AU
Rating: Entirely suitable to a Victorian audience, i.e., offensive.
Summary: The adventures of a plucky immigrant girl, to be read aloud.
THE PATRIOT,
a poem to be read to children
(but absolutely not to the Irish)
She poised on the edge of a treacherous ledge,
'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!
She dined upon pigeon and poppy and sedge,
'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!
We knew that we loved her,
But not whence she came,
Or how she acquired her
Remarkable name,
FITZWILLIAM 'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR,
'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!
She popped into class in the middle of May,
'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!
She spoke in her unlackadaisical way:
"My name is FITZWILLIAM MACNAIR!"
Like a glimmer of fish or
The flash of a kite,
Or a mushroom that mushrooms
To sight overnight,
Appeared this 'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR,
'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!
Her clothing was tattered, and tousled her hair,
'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!
Her arms and her feet and her ankles were bare,
'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!
Her records were spotless,
But claimed she was older;
Her aspect was honest;
Her manners were bolder
Than any we'd known, but we didn't much care -
We welcomed 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!
MISS SYBIL, a person pedantic and proud,
Suspected 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR
And cornered her quarry and queried aloud,
"Who are you, 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR?"
Unwilling to pester,
But famished for fact,
Discreetly we asked her
With uttermost tact,
And gladly she told us the whole of the act...
THE BIRTH OF MIYUKI MACNAIR:
She slipped off a ship in the haze of the night,
MIYUKI, not yet a MACNAIR,
And slept on the cobbles and rose with the light,
And walked till she met with MACNAIR.
MACNAIR was a student,
The prey of despair,
Who tottered, despondent,
In Corcoran Square,
Proclaiming, "FITZWILLIAM McMARTIN MACNAIR
Will barter his name for a beer!"
The locals were leery, for what could they think
Of MISTER FITZWILLIAM MACNAIR?
"A shilling, a shilling, one shilling for drink,
And you'll be FITZWILLIAM MACNAIR!"
MIYUKI leapt up and
Declared with a cry,
"If give me your cap and
Your jacket and tie,
I give you a shilling and gladly I try
To be a FITZWILLIAM MACNAIR!"
CHORUS.
So she would be he,
And he would be she,
The transfer was honest as honest could be.
And fresh from her trip on the turbulent sea,
She couldn't have possibly planned...
That men would arrive to deport her that day,
Departing that day
(That terrible day!)
To carry the hapless FITZWILLIAM away,
Away to a faraway land.
---
On hearing her story, MISS SYBIL declared:
"'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!
The bargain was proper, so you shall be spared,
'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!
But beware, for our land is
Severe and austere;
You'll find no more handouts
For lazybones here!
(... now here is a shilling for sweeties, m'dear)
'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR!"
Unsure of her safety, we followed her out,
We followed 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR,
Too fearful of danger, too fretful in doubt,
We shadowed 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.
The alms nearly splintered
Her charity box,
But soon we encountered
The sharpest of shocks:
A crate of her cousins encamped on the docks,
All fed by 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!
She wandered the way of Whitechapel at dusk;
Be wary, 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!
And wondered at 'doves' in mascara and musk.
Be chary, 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!
"In Old Country, 'Hookers'
Are slaves to their 'Guys,'
Who ply them with liquors
And tie them with lies;
But Englishman ladies have Free Enterprise!"
Said clever 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.
And pray, what befell when she heard of the crimes,
'MIYUKI' McMARTIN MACNAIR?
THE RIPPER had published a note in the Times,
Which startled 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.
"In Old Country, killers,
They never behave -
They hide from the papers
And make shallow grave.
But Englishman killers are honest and brave!"
Applauded 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.
A clergyman said, "Let us pray for the soul -
The soul, MISS 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR! -
Of the urchin who labours to excavate coal.
Your thoughts, MISS 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR?"
"In Old Country, children
Are never to stray,
And beaten if linen
Is dirty with clay!
But Englishman children play dirty all day!"
Exulted 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.
Then boldly she strolled to the REGENCY PUB,
Did daring 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.
The barkeep was burly and carried a club,
And sneered at 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.
"These yellow brats come from
Them Chinaman ships -
Well, let's hear your name from
Them Chinaman lips!"
She laughed and replied with her hands on her hips,
"FITZWILLIAM McMARTIN MACNAIR!"
"Well, damn me, a Paddy! Your kind make me sick!"
He raged at 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.
"Come waltzin' in here, bein' shiftless and thick!"
Oh, flee him, 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!
But a Scotsman took pity,
And cried, "Ach, for shame!
The wee bairn's no Paddy,
I'd wager t' claim
MACNAIR is an honest Glaswegian name!"
"That's right!" said 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR.
The barkeep was chastened, and poured her a draught,
"Forgive me, FITZWILLIAM MACNAIR!
I thought you a bad 'un, but clearly you're not -
Drink lively, FITZWILLIAM MACNAIR!"
The patrons, though clannish,
Indulged her in brew,
With drinks that were greenish,
And jokes that were blue,
And, tossing stilettoes till ten-after-two,
They drank to 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!
"So raise up your glasses, your hearts, and a cheer,
HURRAH FOR 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!
Oh, praise to our patriot, patron, and peer,
HURRAH FOR 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!
She'll brook no report of
Injustice or spite -
Such hearts are the heart of
Imperial might!
(She's not really Irish, so it is all right.)
HURRAH FOR 'MIYUKI' MACNAIR!"