(no subject)
havent updated in quite a bit and for sum odd reason i feel like writing. i've been stressed beyond belief lately. first it was just cuz of the pressures of midterms and my 2nd quarter grades. theres a lot riding on them. i have about 3 competitions coming up for twirling. one is in massechusettes, the other is in south carolina, and the third is in virginia beach. me n my team have never been really been able to go to competitions like these. 1. cuz we werent ready or skilled enough, 2. our parents wuldnt let us. but now almost every one on our senior small team is going. my parents said my grades hafta be really good, so that means i cant slip into the 70's at all. i'm real nervous about my U.S history midterm cuz this year i havent been doing so well in that subject. i was taking a lot of it out on dave, the very last person who i shuld have done that to. i kept doing it to him and felt really badly afterwards. we were arguing back n forth and it wasnt helping my stress one bit.
then wednesday night i hear my mom talking to my uncle on the phone about my grandparents. everything that they said was kinda vague but a lil red flag went off in my head. my mom told me that my grandpa was back in the hospital for the pneumonia. it always starts off as the pneumonia then develops into sumthing bigger. he was just doing so well for like 5-6 months and then this happend. it was the cherry on the icing i guess u culd say. i called dave and told him and for sum reason i started thinking," why am i telling him this?". i just wanted to be alone. i didnt want ne1 near me. thursday in school suked. i tried focusing on wutever subject i was in and not think about my grandpa. i got a huge headache after 3rd period and by the time i got to rehersal i just wanted to go home. i acted normal towards every1, no1 knew that nething was up which was exactly how i wanted it. why shuld ne1 know? so i can have their pity? fuck no. i hate it when ppl start to feel bad for you cuz then ur wall comes down and u start thinking about it and then in the end ur all upset. its just not worth it.
i got home and just relaxed b4 twirling. after twirling i was doing my hair and my dad told me that my siswter culdnt talk to me cuz she had stuff to do. that pisses the hell out of me. she'll talk to my parents for like 2 hours and then i'm just pushed aside. i got pissed as hell and later my dad found me crying. friday i was with dave and we were lying down in his room and i started crying and he tried to hold me but i pushed him away. i wanted to be alone and as far away from people as i culd. i didnt want him next to me or to touch me i just wanted to be alone. in the end ur by urself neway. no1 can help you, how can they? no one can take away the pain u feel and even though they may say, "its okay, dont worry" ur still guna worry. and nothing is okay. when ur on the phone and crying to sum1 who does have good intentions for you to just be there, it still doesnt make a difference. no1 is there to hold u at that moment and no1 can help wut u feel. no1 can make it all go away even as much as you'd like them to. reality hits hard but in the end its still reality. theres no arguing it or trying to change it cuz it'll never work.
i got over it and we went downstairs to hang out with artan and evandro.
we went to go see the movie, underworld. it was a good movie i must say but i wasnt particularly in the mood to see people battering eachothers brains out with knives and stakes. wutever though, my wall was up so i just enjoyed the movie as it was. after the movie little things started pissing me off. once again i found myself wanting to be alone. i called my grandma to find out how my grandpa was doing and it seemed as though sumthing else was wrong with him but she didnt wanna tell me. throughout dinner i was quiet. i wanted to be newhere but in a noisy restaurant. i started feeling sick to my stomache after a lil while and just had my food wrapped. i felt bad cuz every1 was so talkative and i just kinda sat there. i know i brought down daves mood. he'll never admitt that i did cuz he doesnt wanna make me feel bad, but hes as much of an open book as i am. its so weird though. usually when i get upset about my grandpa i wanna be with all my friends and dave. i wanna feel lively and laugh and try to push the issue into the back of my mind, but this time i wanted to be totally alone. i still do. i dont understand why i feel like this at all,but i do.
then wednesday night i hear my mom talking to my uncle on the phone about my grandparents. everything that they said was kinda vague but a lil red flag went off in my head. my mom told me that my grandpa was back in the hospital for the pneumonia. it always starts off as the pneumonia then develops into sumthing bigger. he was just doing so well for like 5-6 months and then this happend. it was the cherry on the icing i guess u culd say. i called dave and told him and for sum reason i started thinking," why am i telling him this?". i just wanted to be alone. i didnt want ne1 near me. thursday in school suked. i tried focusing on wutever subject i was in and not think about my grandpa. i got a huge headache after 3rd period and by the time i got to rehersal i just wanted to go home. i acted normal towards every1, no1 knew that nething was up which was exactly how i wanted it. why shuld ne1 know? so i can have their pity? fuck no. i hate it when ppl start to feel bad for you cuz then ur wall comes down and u start thinking about it and then in the end ur all upset. its just not worth it.
i got home and just relaxed b4 twirling. after twirling i was doing my hair and my dad told me that my siswter culdnt talk to me cuz she had stuff to do. that pisses the hell out of me. she'll talk to my parents for like 2 hours and then i'm just pushed aside. i got pissed as hell and later my dad found me crying. friday i was with dave and we were lying down in his room and i started crying and he tried to hold me but i pushed him away. i wanted to be alone and as far away from people as i culd. i didnt want him next to me or to touch me i just wanted to be alone. in the end ur by urself neway. no1 can help you, how can they? no one can take away the pain u feel and even though they may say, "its okay, dont worry" ur still guna worry. and nothing is okay. when ur on the phone and crying to sum1 who does have good intentions for you to just be there, it still doesnt make a difference. no1 is there to hold u at that moment and no1 can help wut u feel. no1 can make it all go away even as much as you'd like them to. reality hits hard but in the end its still reality. theres no arguing it or trying to change it cuz it'll never work.
i got over it and we went downstairs to hang out with artan and evandro.
we went to go see the movie, underworld. it was a good movie i must say but i wasnt particularly in the mood to see people battering eachothers brains out with knives and stakes. wutever though, my wall was up so i just enjoyed the movie as it was. after the movie little things started pissing me off. once again i found myself wanting to be alone. i called my grandma to find out how my grandpa was doing and it seemed as though sumthing else was wrong with him but she didnt wanna tell me. throughout dinner i was quiet. i wanted to be newhere but in a noisy restaurant. i started feeling sick to my stomache after a lil while and just had my food wrapped. i felt bad cuz every1 was so talkative and i just kinda sat there. i know i brought down daves mood. he'll never admitt that i did cuz he doesnt wanna make me feel bad, but hes as much of an open book as i am. its so weird though. usually when i get upset about my grandpa i wanna be with all my friends and dave. i wanna feel lively and laugh and try to push the issue into the back of my mind, but this time i wanted to be totally alone. i still do. i dont understand why i feel like this at all,but i do.