reasons to be cheerful
1st things 1st. I have a few bits of scribble to type up before the 5th and I will try to get it all done - answers to the last few outstanding questions and a response to responses to my last whacko "lurve" post.
One thing I have promised various people I’d do is to explain why I’m stopping my Lj in a couple of days. It’s a hard thing to write about without sounding like either I’m making a big deal about it, or I expect other people to. However I have said I’d talk about it and I so I shall.
I noticed a long time ago that if I keep doing the same things over and over I stop noticing them. Once I discovered I was competent at pen and ink drawing I did nothing else for almost a decade. I got better at the execution of it but it stopped being worthwhile. For me any creative endeavour has to be teaching me something on some level or it’s not worth doing.
This problem is compounded by the fact that once something is complete I lose all interest in it so to forestall this I have a tendency to overwork things, drag them out and continue to change them ‘till any spontaneity or clarity they had is gone. I can never tell when the right time to quit is, forcing myself to simply stop is the only way I know how.
I developed a habit of setting myself yearlong projects with this built in time limit so that I would always be aware of the moment - of what I was doing. Keeping me focused. It’s worked well for me so far.
A few years ago I started to put some of my daily writing up on my (old) website - it was an exercise in form over content - I was just learning the rudiments of HTML at the time - and tucked away in a dusty corner of the web, but people stumbled across it regardless and started to email me & comment on it. It was the most thoroughly unpleasant sensation and I quit the experiment half way through.
I hate not finishing stuff, and it was obviously bugging me enough that when I saw LJ the idea of posting my diary here for a year - finishing what I started - appealed. This time I’d be going in with my eyes wide open. Expecting comments and being prepared to digest what people had to say about me. I set myself 3 rules. No friends list ( I wasn’t here to be part of a community and I wouldn’t be making friends only posts) No meeting up with people and no editing of what I write in my diary.
Screwed up rules 1 and 2. Rule 3 has pretty much held up - any editing has been for reasons of style and creativity rather than lack of verisimilitude. This is not to say that it’s all been true, my diary is a subjective thing - it’s close to the truth as I see it, but not honest - not real - not me.
Lj year is now up. Am I tempted to keep going? Yes - it’s nice to get so much email, I’ve got used to being here and it’s often amusing, educational and once in a while it’s a real eye opener. Might I come back to zerozero at some point? Yes - give it six months or more to get it out of my system and I just might, but I might not. In all honesty probably not.
If I do post in here again at some point it won’t be my diary, it will be how bad my hangover is and the results to the which buffy character I am quiz. Since I never do anything it won’t make for much reading. Posting this personal stuff here has been very unsettling and tho I have come to like (and in some cases admire) most of you who seem to have read it and have been charmed and inspired by the comments, I’m really fucking glad the year is up. Really. I’ll miss you - but there is nothing like sharing your inner gunk with strangers to make you feel like an ass. I’m looking forward to not feeling like an ass for a while - it will make a nice change.
One thing I have promised various people I’d do is to explain why I’m stopping my Lj in a couple of days. It’s a hard thing to write about without sounding like either I’m making a big deal about it, or I expect other people to. However I have said I’d talk about it and I so I shall.
I noticed a long time ago that if I keep doing the same things over and over I stop noticing them. Once I discovered I was competent at pen and ink drawing I did nothing else for almost a decade. I got better at the execution of it but it stopped being worthwhile. For me any creative endeavour has to be teaching me something on some level or it’s not worth doing.
This problem is compounded by the fact that once something is complete I lose all interest in it so to forestall this I have a tendency to overwork things, drag them out and continue to change them ‘till any spontaneity or clarity they had is gone. I can never tell when the right time to quit is, forcing myself to simply stop is the only way I know how.
I developed a habit of setting myself yearlong projects with this built in time limit so that I would always be aware of the moment - of what I was doing. Keeping me focused. It’s worked well for me so far.
A few years ago I started to put some of my daily writing up on my (old) website - it was an exercise in form over content - I was just learning the rudiments of HTML at the time - and tucked away in a dusty corner of the web, but people stumbled across it regardless and started to email me & comment on it. It was the most thoroughly unpleasant sensation and I quit the experiment half way through.
I hate not finishing stuff, and it was obviously bugging me enough that when I saw LJ the idea of posting my diary here for a year - finishing what I started - appealed. This time I’d be going in with my eyes wide open. Expecting comments and being prepared to digest what people had to say about me. I set myself 3 rules. No friends list ( I wasn’t here to be part of a community and I wouldn’t be making friends only posts) No meeting up with people and no editing of what I write in my diary.
Screwed up rules 1 and 2. Rule 3 has pretty much held up - any editing has been for reasons of style and creativity rather than lack of verisimilitude. This is not to say that it’s all been true, my diary is a subjective thing - it’s close to the truth as I see it, but not honest - not real - not me.
Lj year is now up. Am I tempted to keep going? Yes - it’s nice to get so much email, I’ve got used to being here and it’s often amusing, educational and once in a while it’s a real eye opener. Might I come back to zerozero at some point? Yes - give it six months or more to get it out of my system and I just might, but I might not. In all honesty probably not.
If I do post in here again at some point it won’t be my diary, it will be how bad my hangover is and the results to the which buffy character I am quiz. Since I never do anything it won’t make for much reading. Posting this personal stuff here has been very unsettling and tho I have come to like (and in some cases admire) most of you who seem to have read it and have been charmed and inspired by the comments, I’m really fucking glad the year is up. Really. I’ll miss you - but there is nothing like sharing your inner gunk with strangers to make you feel like an ass. I’m looking forward to not feeling like an ass for a while - it will make a nice change.