Yerba Maté post
I was a bit tired this morning, so to wake myself up, I brought a jug of raspberry Yerba Maté tea to class with me. I always forgot how focused this stuff makes me! It made so super focused (not focused on class the whole time though, lol) that I went into a crazy writing frenzy during lecture. The pages look totally different than what I'm actually writing to transcribe it into livejournal, because I drew pictures, arrows, all kinds of stuff.
It all started out with being freaked out by my recurring dreams that I keep having about M. So, I thought, writing it down would help me organize my thoughts and maybe come up with a solution. I think I did, but I don't think it's going to help much. There isn't really an "executable" solution, just things to get over on my own.
Anyway, here are my notes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm trying to understand my dream from last night. It involves a person I'll call M, but I'll refer to as "him". These are just little descriptions of what I remember from this really vivid dream I had this morning.
sitting with sean and erin @ a café, ordering something to drink? i think we're in santa cruz.
in a clothing store, corner of Fair Oaks Blvd and Marshall Ave
"oh my god, is that you?"
long hug, slight let go, then tighter embrace, then another slight let go, then an even tighter longer embrace
looking deep into his eyes, and he looks deep into mine.
staring for a few minutes at each others eyes
"this feels so right and so natural even though it's been so long, it's been years"
me holding his hips and pulling closer
letting go of hips
him pulling my hips to his, hips touching
I feel so happy and complete
hips aligned, touching face to face
my arms under his while hugging
him: kiss on the check, "i just can't resist"
me: kiss on the forehead "i can't hold myself back"
He has blonder hair than ususal. It's still brown, but it has blonde streaks in it.
him trying on pink girls bikinis at this clothing store (wtf?) because he thinks it's funny
me, trying to put on a wire metal bikini top (wtf??)
without realizing it, time has passed and he's gone outside (i think i'm missing some of the dream right here)
he gets in a car with one guy and three girls, and he's in the front passenger seat
even though i'm only 5 yards away from the car, i call him on the phone to ask what he's doing?
he says he's leaving, and he tells me to walk home (how did i get there in the first place?)
I say "but I'm not wearing any shoes!" (and I'm not).
I walk all the way to my parent's house down Fair Oaks blvd
While walking home, I'm sad, and I walk down the middle of the road.
I think I don't really miss M. the person, but I miss the idea of M. I haven't even seen him in like, 2 years in person. I miss the idea of having a steady boyfriend and being in a supportive, passionate, commited relationship. He was so emotionally abusive in the last 8 months of our relationship that I can't really see why I would ever want to go back to him, so I truly believe that it's just the idea of being in a happy relationship that I miss the most. The intimate human skin to skin contact and emotional connection is what I'm craving, and I think M. represents that for me right now.
I'm having a lot of changes in my thought processes. I'm more interested in learning and mind exploration, making connections between old and new information learned. expanding on things I once thought so simple, suddenly more profound, meaningful, deep, full of wonder, exploration, connections. i'm having more emotional connections to my thoughts. i'm thinking of the world in a larger sense "how do I fe in and feel these things?"
"how do my own emotions influence decisions/ how do these things influence my emotions?"
finding a place in my emotional intentions in the world
word meaning and relations in the last few weeks and months
My own emotional type:
+ taking care of others (maternal)
+ always very forgiving and nurturing
- afraid that people won't nuture and forgive and support me back --> anxiety surrounds this fact
- worried that with no reciprocation of nuturing and support and forgiveness that people can ust leave me /ignore me and feel no remorse, guilt
- afraid to trust someone with entire emotional body (STRESS)
+ I love connections with wonderful individuals!!! (This lessens my anxiety)
I discovered this emotional type while I was driving. It's like a real life metaphor.
Driving --> when merging on a freeway during rush hour
I'm always willing to open space and let others in to make it easy for them to merge, but always defensive because I don't trust that others will do the same for me and be kind as well.
Also I realized I am this emotional type when taking a concious look at my languaging in daily life:
I say "no worries" "it's ok" A LOT OF THE TIME (even when something does bother me) because I don't want them to feel bad. I would prefer them to feel ok, rather than me feel ok and speaking up. I would rather feel slightly hurt and have them feel ok and just forgive them.
life happines is more important than school grades. learn and absorb, let worries of grades subside. As long as you're learning, and making connections, that's all that matters.
wow, yerba mate is my focus drug. thoughts are so numerous and clear, need to write ;-)
I'm appreciating the little/simple things in life. sitting in the sun, feet in the cool grass, laughing, smiling, eating fresh foods, talking with friends, running, listening to music.
I LOVE MY VISION BOARD that i made yesterday. I love looking at all the pictures of the things that I want.
My life is a picture of my thoughts! My vision board will help change my thoughts and I will attain every single one of these things! My vision board has these things:
Vision Board April 2009
*Running
*Hooping with grace and fluidity
*A strong sexy body
*Fresh fruits and veggies
*Financial success with BloomHoops
*Balance emotional responses to stress
*Ford Hybrid Escape
*Passionate, commited & supportive love with a great guy
*Awesome colorful fixie bike
*Vitamixer to make soups and smoothies
*Rainbow LED hoops
*Mini poodle puppy
*Yoga
*Blooming into my full potential
*new iPhone
*Massage therapy school/ massages
Running = me time --> no thoughts, no stress, just body running on autopilot, pulsing, repeating step after step
I've started using running as a way to escape
a way to balance my emotional responses to stress
I am finding emotional balance!
The cure for all is salt: sweat, tears, and the sea
I'm noticing facial expressions and non-word vocal expressions and it's suddenly become easier to interpret people's body langauge, and read people.
I'm so happy right now, even though I'm in a french class that isn't my favorite. I'm smiling at people for no particular reason.
I enjoy taking a deep breath, smiling, murmuring a "mmm" in approval and agreeance, while nodding. I almost start giggling because life is so wonderful.
I'm having a mental breakthrough of how I function at an emotional level, I'm starting to understand myself. WOW!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, I'm totally going to be drinking some yerba mate and writing on a regular basis starting now! I've never had so many thoughts just flow out of my pen onto the paper before. Everything was so clear, there was no muddled thinking - everything was just right. ;-)
It all started out with being freaked out by my recurring dreams that I keep having about M. So, I thought, writing it down would help me organize my thoughts and maybe come up with a solution. I think I did, but I don't think it's going to help much. There isn't really an "executable" solution, just things to get over on my own.
Anyway, here are my notes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm trying to understand my dream from last night. It involves a person I'll call M, but I'll refer to as "him". These are just little descriptions of what I remember from this really vivid dream I had this morning.
sitting with sean and erin @ a café, ordering something to drink? i think we're in santa cruz.
in a clothing store, corner of Fair Oaks Blvd and Marshall Ave
"oh my god, is that you?"
long hug, slight let go, then tighter embrace, then another slight let go, then an even tighter longer embrace
looking deep into his eyes, and he looks deep into mine.
staring for a few minutes at each others eyes
"this feels so right and so natural even though it's been so long, it's been years"
me holding his hips and pulling closer
letting go of hips
him pulling my hips to his, hips touching
I feel so happy and complete
hips aligned, touching face to face
my arms under his while hugging
him: kiss on the check, "i just can't resist"
me: kiss on the forehead "i can't hold myself back"
He has blonder hair than ususal. It's still brown, but it has blonde streaks in it.
him trying on pink girls bikinis at this clothing store (wtf?) because he thinks it's funny
me, trying to put on a wire metal bikini top (wtf??)
without realizing it, time has passed and he's gone outside (i think i'm missing some of the dream right here)
he gets in a car with one guy and three girls, and he's in the front passenger seat
even though i'm only 5 yards away from the car, i call him on the phone to ask what he's doing?
he says he's leaving, and he tells me to walk home (how did i get there in the first place?)
I say "but I'm not wearing any shoes!" (and I'm not).
I walk all the way to my parent's house down Fair Oaks blvd
While walking home, I'm sad, and I walk down the middle of the road.
I think I don't really miss M. the person, but I miss the idea of M. I haven't even seen him in like, 2 years in person. I miss the idea of having a steady boyfriend and being in a supportive, passionate, commited relationship. He was so emotionally abusive in the last 8 months of our relationship that I can't really see why I would ever want to go back to him, so I truly believe that it's just the idea of being in a happy relationship that I miss the most. The intimate human skin to skin contact and emotional connection is what I'm craving, and I think M. represents that for me right now.
I'm having a lot of changes in my thought processes. I'm more interested in learning and mind exploration, making connections between old and new information learned. expanding on things I once thought so simple, suddenly more profound, meaningful, deep, full of wonder, exploration, connections. i'm having more emotional connections to my thoughts. i'm thinking of the world in a larger sense "how do I fe in and feel these things?"
"how do my own emotions influence decisions/ how do these things influence my emotions?"
finding a place in my emotional intentions in the world
word meaning and relations in the last few weeks and months
My own emotional type:
+ taking care of others (maternal)
+ always very forgiving and nurturing
- afraid that people won't nuture and forgive and support me back --> anxiety surrounds this fact
- worried that with no reciprocation of nuturing and support and forgiveness that people can ust leave me /ignore me and feel no remorse, guilt
- afraid to trust someone with entire emotional body (STRESS)
+ I love connections with wonderful individuals!!! (This lessens my anxiety)
I discovered this emotional type while I was driving. It's like a real life metaphor.
Driving --> when merging on a freeway during rush hour
I'm always willing to open space and let others in to make it easy for them to merge, but always defensive because I don't trust that others will do the same for me and be kind as well.
Also I realized I am this emotional type when taking a concious look at my languaging in daily life:
I say "no worries" "it's ok" A LOT OF THE TIME (even when something does bother me) because I don't want them to feel bad. I would prefer them to feel ok, rather than me feel ok and speaking up. I would rather feel slightly hurt and have them feel ok and just forgive them.
life happines is more important than school grades. learn and absorb, let worries of grades subside. As long as you're learning, and making connections, that's all that matters.
wow, yerba mate is my focus drug. thoughts are so numerous and clear, need to write ;-)
I'm appreciating the little/simple things in life. sitting in the sun, feet in the cool grass, laughing, smiling, eating fresh foods, talking with friends, running, listening to music.
I LOVE MY VISION BOARD that i made yesterday. I love looking at all the pictures of the things that I want.
My life is a picture of my thoughts! My vision board will help change my thoughts and I will attain every single one of these things! My vision board has these things:
Vision Board April 2009
*Running
*Hooping with grace and fluidity
*A strong sexy body
*Fresh fruits and veggies
*Financial success with BloomHoops
*Balance emotional responses to stress
*Ford Hybrid Escape
*Passionate, commited & supportive love with a great guy
*Awesome colorful fixie bike
*Vitamixer to make soups and smoothies
*Rainbow LED hoops
*Mini poodle puppy
*Yoga
*Blooming into my full potential
*new iPhone
*Massage therapy school/ massages
Running = me time --> no thoughts, no stress, just body running on autopilot, pulsing, repeating step after step
I've started using running as a way to escape
a way to balance my emotional responses to stress
I am finding emotional balance!
The cure for all is salt: sweat, tears, and the sea
I'm noticing facial expressions and non-word vocal expressions and it's suddenly become easier to interpret people's body langauge, and read people.
I'm so happy right now, even though I'm in a french class that isn't my favorite. I'm smiling at people for no particular reason.
I enjoy taking a deep breath, smiling, murmuring a "mmm" in approval and agreeance, while nodding. I almost start giggling because life is so wonderful.
I'm having a mental breakthrough of how I function at an emotional level, I'm starting to understand myself. WOW!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, I'm totally going to be drinking some yerba mate and writing on a regular basis starting now! I've never had so many thoughts just flow out of my pen onto the paper before. Everything was so clear, there was no muddled thinking - everything was just right. ;-)