(no subject)
I said I wouldn't talk about it, but I guess I should.
And this doesn't have to do with anyone in particular. It has to do with EVERYONE in particular. 3 that I can think of off the top of my head. But that's not even fucking important.
I am a fucking failure.
I just put so much effort into a situation, as much effort as I could put, but it all just buckles under me.
Like everything else. Every relationship, every thing i've TRIED to get.
And it is partly my fault, for NOT SAYING OR DOING ANYTHING THAT MATTERED.
sometimes I wonder why I stick around, here. Why I put hope into everything and remain optimistic when I know it's all going to crash and fucking burn. When I put so much thought and bullshit towards other people, to have parts of my life and thinking process COMPLETELY revolve around them, and to know that most of them just doesn't really care or doesn't notice. And I keep doing it. I KEEP FUCKING DOING IT. Over and over and over and over. And I never say anything. I just keep hurting myself to a point where it explodes, like right now.
And to realise that i'm hurting myself. That I can't be a social, functioning human being because I keep hurting myself.
And to keep doing it.
Why the hell am I still here.
I just don't understand what purpose I serve, if any.
I don't think i'm important in anybody else's life, at least not on the level that they are to me.
I have to stop caring so much and being so quiet about it.
I have to tell people what I really think of them.
Because they all matter so much.
And it's never felt mutual.
Ever.
Oh well.
I guess i'll go through another few months of blazingly painful happiness and hopefullness that something will finally go right.
And then this will happen again.
It's not like i'm doing anything to stop it.
It's not like I ever did ANYTHING to stop it.