2x11 The Hive (continued)
( part 1 )
Outside, we see the two Hive ships flying through the tunnel of love. I will refrain from making porn jokes. Inside his cell, Joe Flanigan checks up on the props department's work; after the ridiculously Nerf-tastic Dart, I don't blame him. Neera-ho interrupts his foam rubber inspections to apologize for getting Shep and his friends caught. What else can Shep say but "that's okay, you're not that big of an evil h0r"? Of course, Neera-ho still feels the need to point out that because of her, Ford's taken her place on the menu. Hero!Shep assures her that he'll get everyone off the damn Wraith ship. Because she's evil and nosy, ho needs to know exactly how he plans on doing that, with visual aids, diagrams, and schematics, if possible, kthxbye. Shep dorkily admits that, "Okay, I haven't figured that part out yet, but when I do, it's going to be really impressive." The man is so damn sexy right now, I have absolute faith in him that he will, in fact, do something Pretty Damn Impressive. Hell, the fact that a man this gorgeous exists in nature is already Pretty Damn Impressive. Neera-ho doesn't have the faith I do and challenges him, warning him the Wraith will kick his ass. "Yeah, well, I try not to let them tell me what I can and can't do," he scoffs. And because she's never met anyone this cocky before, Neera-ho's all, "you do not fear them, omgwtf?" Shep: "No. Now clowns. That's another story. Scare the crap out of me." Heh. To be fair, clowns are some scary bastards, and that's even if you don't take into account the whole creepy It thing. Since she's an alien and has absolutely no idea who Stephen King is or why circuses are evil, she gives him the "err... whatthefuckever." Pfft. Thank god Shep has absolutely no interest in her.
Office of Angst. Rodney's finally up and about, all "bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, as the idiom goes." (ZOMG, Rodney's a squirrel?! qwirky's gonna love that.) MamaBear -- who has SEXY hair in this scene, btw -- feeds him the obligatory 'how are you feeling' line, and Rodney blah blah blahs for a bit. Anyway, while Rodney yaps about being under the influence of WraithCrack, Lizzie tries not to shake him so he'll just get to the point; specifically, what the hell happened and where the hell is everyone else. Aha, now that he's been tasked to save the world again, Rodney veers back on topic so we can finally move to end this episode already. They pede-conference toward a computer terminal while he briefs her on Ford and his Merry Band of Gangbangers. Rodney: "Shep and company went off to wreck up a Hive ship." Lizzie: "OMGWTFHIVESHIP?" And she looks both pissed and ready to beat the crap out of Shep when she gets her hands on him. Rodney's not interested in Sparky sex rituals so he continues: "OMG, Ford's totally whack." And then: "When they didn't return from the mission, I realized something had obviously gone wrong." Okay. When did Rodney take over Ronon's job as Mr. Obvious? Because seriously, WHEN DOESN'T a mission ever not go wrong? Together, MamaBear and Rodney realize that since they have the address of the planet to be culled, they can find the Hive ships to rescue their people and/or warn the denizens of the planet of their impending doom. Bolstered with newfound hope of rescuing her favorite military commander, Lizzie skips back to her office to alert Colonel Skinner of this new development while Rodney uses the computer to check email and catch up on LJ. Thankfully, we're spared his bitching and moaning about having to go back skip=5000 posts on his friends list. God knows we've all been there before.
Cell of So Doing It Already Dun It. See? Teyla's sleeping it off. Notice the use of the Pimp Coat as a pillow. People, this means they're married with kids by now. Startled awake, she sits up quickly (preceded only by the robo-boobs). Once again, Ronon is watching her. Under normal circumstances, having a guy stare at you while you sleep is kind of creepy, but this is Spanky and Ronon's hot and obviously in love with her, so it's okay. They do the "you okay?"/"I'm okay" exchange before Ronon admits he's getting kind of sick of being stuck in the cell. I guess there really was a limit to the unlimited supply of knives or else he would have had the cell open by now. In any case, he thinks their only option for escape is to create a diversion. I agree. I also think that the best kind of diversion would involve taking off his shirt, and I don't suggest it purely because I'm a hormonal woman who came in embracing his character only because I was under the (apparently false) assumption that he would be shirtless for most of his scenes. I'm just suggesting it because hello, that chest? Could distract anyone. Before one of them can suggest that they storm the cell using the deadly combination of Ronon's chest and Teyla's boobs... Teyla decides to make Ronon jealous by changing the subject to Ford's welfare. Dammit, Teyla, you h0r! You're supposed to be concentrating on Spanky now! Okay, so I totally shipped Teyla/Ford before, but still... Ronon's right in front of her, omg, and that's just tactless of her to get all mushy about another man in front of him. Ronon thinks so, too, because he tells her that "if [he] distracts you, clear your mind of him." Ha. In other words: "Forget about him, woman! I'm here! Me and the eighth wonder of the Pegasus Galaxy: my chest." (For the record, the seventh wonder is Teyla's breastplate.) Teyla's all confused by Ronon's use of big confusing words so Ronon advises that if she's pissed with Ford, then use that to fuel her rage against the Wraith. Teyla still looks confused.
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In the other cell, Shep's still staring out into space, waiting for his Big Impressive Plan of Heroic Proportions to show up. He finally asks if Neera-ho has anything sharp, like a 22-piece Ginsu set. Unfortunately, the answer is no. Not that he was expecting any different: "It's just that everyone in my last cell had one so..." Poor Shep. You better believe he's going to stock up for his next mission, just in case. With his impressive escape plan still sadly out of reach, Neera-ho decides to milk Shep (in a totally NOT dirty way) for information. She yadda yadda yaddas a sob story about how her people were taken by the Wraith, and Shep generously offers her hope by revealing that even though they've known when to hold 'em, known when to fold 'em, known when to walk away and known when to run, his people have the means and the balls of metallic shininess to keep on fighting those damn lifesuckers. Neera: "And the clowns?" Shep: "Clowns? WTF?" And then, remembering, he responds in his best deadpan: "Oh, yeah, the clowns. Well, we fight them, too -- entire armies, spilling out of Volkswagons. We do our best to fight them off, but... they keep sending them in." Ahaha. *dies laughing* JF's line delivery? PERFECT. Neera-ho: "...er... whatever, freak." Aw, she's a pooper. Alienh0rs in the Pegasus Galaxy don't seem to have a sense of humor. Hrmph.
Daedalus. Rodney's giving Colonel Skinner the lowdown on the planet they plan on saving. Behind them, our two other favorite men of Atlantis -- Lorne! Radek! RAWR! -- trail after them. Colonel Skinner only wants to know if they have enough time to get to the planet before the Wraith do. There's some Snappy back and forth between Rodney's "yes"ing and Radek's "maybe"ing, which was obviously put there to off-set all the Beckett/McKay anvils in this episode. Rodney's all, "Asgard!Beam, omg" for rescuing Shep and "others." Colonel Skinner's all, "Okay, fine, whatever." And then everyone heads toward the bridge. Except Radek. Who answers Lorne's "you coming with us?" with a flaily "no." I'm not even going to touch the potential Lorne/Zelenka anvils there. Radek then looks like a lost little boy as everyone leaves him standing in the corridor. Er... that's it? WTF? What was the point of Radek even being in this episode... for all of a minute? RAR!
Clown Central. Neera-ho slinks up to Shep, who's sitting in the corner trying to get some shut eye. Without even asking, Ms. Ho situates herself up against our favorite Lt. Colonel, who, for the life of me I can't figure out why, has one arm positioned in such an awkward way. Neera: *snuggles* Shep: *eyes pop open* "...wtf?" Neera: "For warmth, duh." Shep: "Er... okay." And then he puts his arm around her, and it would be quite gentlemanly of him if only he didn't look like he desperately did not want to touch her for fear of catching her cooties or something. Obviously, he's thinking of Lizzie and how she'll kick his ass once she finds out about this. Despite easy access to the alienh0r that's cuddled up next to him, Shep concentrates on sleeping again. Heh. TOO BAD THIS CHICK WON'T SHUT UP. Neera: "Blah blah blah" Shep: *tries to sleep* Neera: "Blah blah blah" Shep: *tries to sleep* And so on and so forth. You almost feel sorry for Shep because the man just wants to sleep and the alienh0r has no concept of silence. But of course, there's a reason behind all the nonstop chatter. She's fishing for intel, and every question is coincidentally about Earth. Finally, Neera blah blah blahs one question too many. Shep: "TRYING TO SLEEP, OMFG!" Neera: "FINE, DAMN YOU." But Shep can't sleep anymore. He's onto her. All the questions about Earth, especially the question as to what Earth is called, has his spidey sense all a-tingle. Not to mention she places her hand on his chest -- something that Shep is decidedly very uncomfortable about -- and gee, I wonder where we've seen THAT before? The scene fades out on Shep squinting his eyes and furrowing his brow because while he still may not have a grasp on that elusive Impressive Escape Plan, he's definitely getting some other ideas he's not too happy about.
Later. The Hive Ship of Doom drops out of hyperspace, jolting Shep and his alienh0r interrogator awake. Shep hypothesizes that the Wraith are probably getting ready for the culling, but before he can ponder that thought any further, a hand reaches into the cell and the Ambiguously Gay SteveTwin throws him into the arms of two waiting Wraith goons. Shep is once again led away to meet his doom. SteveTwin leers (or maybe nods, it's hard to tell) at Neera. BECAUSE SHE'S IN CAHOOTS WITH HIM, duh. Before sashaying away to catch up with Shep and his goon squad.
Back at the S&M laser lightshow (I seriously do not get Wraith interior decorating. Track lighting, I get, but what's up with all the lasers?), the Wraith goons position Shep on the giant Wraith surfboard. The Goth Queen makes her fashionably late appearance and is all "Talk now, rar?" Shep's all "Talking is overrated, yo." Queen: "You're very stubborn." Shep: "Tell me something I don't know." And then he turns to her and adds a cryptic "And she's very pretty, by the way." See? Even though he admits Neera-ho was pretty, he never made a move on her, which makes me proud. Maybe Shep isn't entirely a manh0r who will hit on everything and anything. THANK GOD. The Queen squints and pretends like she's not busted. So Shep clarifies for her: "The one you planted in the cocoons for us to rescue?" Queen: *lalala, can't hear you* Shep: "The one you planted in our cell to get information from me?" Queen: *lalala, don't know what you're talking about, omfg* Shep: "The one you... oh, fuck it." Queen: *HISSSSS*, because she's so busted*
Outside, the Daedalus is making good time through its own hyperspace tunnel. No, really, I'm still refraining from making pr0n jokes. I've done good so far, no need to mess up the (mostly) family friendliness of this recap. Ha, just cracked myself up. There's some mission strategizing involving the use of the planet as a screen, Lorne and McKay taking a Jumper to find out if Shep and team are okay, and something about beaming aboard a nuke if they're not. Then Colonel Skinner informs McKay that he'll be the people person on this mission while Skinner will be in charge of all the kablooeys. Dude, if McKay's gonna be the people person, then there is something seriously fucked up about this rescue operation. But hello! McKay and Lorne do the "just missed making eye contact" eyefuck. What? I didn't say anything... except that Major Dimples is majorly hot and really needs to be a regular next season.
Back on the Hive, everyone congregates on the magic surfboard. Neera-ho finally shows up, just so Shep can bitch at her. He's all, "I totally knew you let us break out so easily for a reason," except hindsight is 20/20 and Shep should have considered that EARLIER. The Queen divas a "she is one of many thousands that have come to serve us... even worship us." Upon hearing this, Shep stares disgustedly at Neera-ho because, after all the vanilla Kirking he's been forced to participate in by TPTB, he just missed his one opportunity for Kirking with a seriously kinky freak. Just to make sure Shep understands what he missed out on, the Queen Dominatrix injects a little bit of femslash into this show by caressing Neera-ho's face. Shep's all "A Wraith worshipper, huh? Wow." Except he's thinking it's the exact opposite of "wow." Poor stupid Neera-ho doesn't get the sarcasm and tries to preach about the "Prophecy of the Great Awakening" (prophecy? So Shep was fated to cause trouble in this galaxy? Wha? *head explodes*) -- upon hearing this, Shep starts making THINKING FACES -- before launching into a history lesson. Since we all know how Shep feels about longwinded history lessons, it should be no shock that he unceremoniously cuts her off with a "yeah, yeah, yeah, I know about that because I am one, too." The Queen: *unconvinced* Shep lies to her that, in his case, "it's not so much worship as it is a meaningful business relationship." Ask me how much I love that Shep is thinking on his feet. Boy's smart, even if they don't really show it all that often. Queen hears this and is pissed, calling him a liar. She's right, but he's really good at the lying, implying that he got both the Dart and the plans for Hive infiltration from another Queen. Obviously, this isn't something Goth Queen wants to hear and demands to know what other Queen is willing to betray her. Having been told by Teyla's super Wraith sense about the other Hive ship outside, Shep uses that knowledge to manipulate this Queen and covers up his lies by mocking the Goth Queen's naiveté that the other Queen would admit to being cohorts with Shep. Goth Queen: "OMGSTFU!" Shep: *is mindraped* The Goth Queen's had enough with Shep's defiance and decides to suck him dry. (You know exactly what I mean, you dirty perverts!) I'd like to file another complaint at the inconsistency of the Wraith suckage. Let's get it straight once and for all: do they or do they not need to rip open the sexy man's shirt before attempting to suck the life out of him? Because you can't have it both ways, and since the precedence was already set for shirt-ripping!yay! with Sumner's death, I demand that we adhere strictly to protocols for continuity's sake, dammit. Stupid writers, I kick you for messing with my brains!
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Before any shirts can be shredded or chests can be sucked, a flash of red takes down the Goth Queen. IT'S FORD! WHEEEEE! He's armed with Ronon's Belle and takes down a bunch of Wraith before tossing Belle over to a very relieved Shep. A couple of stuns to Ford's body let us know that the man has been re-crackified and raring to go. They put the rest of the goons in the room out of commission, and Shep just misses zapping Neera-ho when she runs like the little sissy Wraith-bitch that she is. Too bad. Ford splits the gear he's managed to reacquire, admitting that getting the gear was the easy part but that "finding more enzyme? That was the hard part." Together, they lope through the halls, firing willy-nilly at any Wraith who stupidly decide to pop into frame in a misguided attempt to stop our heroes. Shep: "You're one tough son of a bitch." Ford: *wipes away a tear of happiness and tries not to glee at finally being recognized as an Official Badass by his hero* Shep heads down the hall but Ford's not following. Shep's all, "Dude, wtf, you coming or not?" Ford's all, "Not. Don't worry; just follow the yellow brick road." Or something. What? You think I watch this show for dialogue? Nah. I watch this show to stare at the beautiful men with guns. Ford plans on staying behind to repel the incoming Wraith goons, but Shep won't hear of it. Ford says he'll "hold the Wraith back, boss." And fuck me, but I got all teary-eyed at Ford calling Shep "boss." *sniffle* I miss these two working together, dammit! Then Shep proceeds to kill me with angst by threatening Ford with an "I'm not going without you, Lieutenant." And then Ford... calls Shep "John"? OMG, I don't know! *flails* I don't have closed captioning on this thing! Someone TELL ME, OMG! I've looped it a million times, but I can't decide whether he said "go on" or "Jo-ohn" and it's driving me NUTS. (ETA: The sexyhot kyrdwyn has checked for me, and apparently, Ford's words: "John. I'll catch up. Now go!" Which makes my BRAIN EXPLODE because he totally took the intiative himself to call Shep by his name. Even Teyla needed to be ordered to do that. FORD LUFFS JOHN, OMG!) Anyway, Ford runs back the way he came, waving his arms and trying to cause a diversion. Left with his mouth hanging open, Shep stands rooted to the spot like an idiot as the alarms start blaring again. He finally lets out an "oh crap" and heads off to rescue Ronon and Teyla.
In the cell of alien sexing, Ronon warns Teyla to get ready to put their LameAss Plan of Cheap Distractions into effect. Except Ronon's nowhere near prepared to take his shirt off, so I have no clue how he expects to escape. His shirt is safe for another day as Shep -- not Wraith -- rounds the corner. Upon seeing Shep, Ronon's all "Hey." Which, as you know, is Baywatchian for "I luff you, omg!" Shep returns the greeting with "I'm gonna bust you guys out of here," which is Sheph0rian for "Right back at you, my big manly stud." Or something. I don't slash Shep/Ronon AT ALL. I just think it's hilarious. Teyla finally cracks a smile, which is startling enough to make me fall off my chair. Maybe she didn't have a stick lodged up her butt in this episode after all. Shep uses Belle to blast the crap out of the control panel and the cell door opens instantly. Despite the awesomeness of Belle and Shep's desire to "get myself one of these," he doesn't hesitate in returning the weapon to its rightful owner. They do a quick people inventory to see who's still alive. Teyla, of course, hasn't stopped worrying about her ex-lover, Ford, and Shep gives her hope by revealing that "the last I saw, he was alive, and I'm sticking with that." That's right, bitch, never underestimate Ford's ability to survive until there's absolute definitive proof that all music VJs have left the galaxy. Ronon grabs his Pimp Coat, because he never goes anywhere without it. Though, the question that begs to be asked is if it's actually possible FOR him to leave and forget his coat somewhere. After all, even though he lost it on the Planet of Dirty Convicts during "Condemned," it still miraculously appeared on his body in the very next episode. ["Maybe he's got a couple extra just in case. Like the Batsuit. Or Torri's Coexist shirts. What? I'M NOT A STALKER." -- Phrenitis]
Somewhere behind Planet Shit, We're In Trouble, the Daedalus zooms out of hyperspace. Colonel Skinner gives Lorne and McKay in the Jumper a go, and the two zip around the planet. To find two Hive ships. Ohnoes! The two brat at each other, all "omg, two ships!" and "you said one!" and "wtf now?" and "RAR!" Knowing there's nothing they can do, they try to hail Shep somewhere down in one of the Hives.
Too bad Shep's too busy running for his fucking life! They stop just outside the Dart bay. Teyla obviouses a "The culling is just beginning" as soon as they see all the Darts zooming out of the bay. Shep figures they need to stop them, and in answer to Ronon's "how," details a pretty impressive plan that basically narrows down to "wait for my signal; then go!" The man is succinct, okay? Sheesh. Then Shep runs into the Dart bay. And man, do I LOVE watching that man run. Rawr. Teyla and Ronon are left behind, all "think there's enough time to dun sex while we wait?" *whistles innocently*
Meanwhile, Lorne and McKay update Caldwell on the status of Team Sheppard. There's no radio link, but McKay's all "Never give up! Never surrender!" ["GALAXY QUEST IS LOVE!" -- Phrenitis] Or something. Caldwell would rather not make an ass out of himself by jumping to unfounded assumptions on the health of Team Sheppard; he's more interested in stopping the Wraith from culling the planet. He orders the Jumper back to the ship. Neither Rodney nor Lorne look happy about that.
Teyla and Ronon, sick of waiting around doing nothing, edge up to the opening of the Dart bay. All the Darts are heading in one direction, except for one, that is heading directly for them. Teyla asks if that's the signal, like Ronon would know. And Ronon can only offer an "it better be" before the two of them risk it and run out to greet the Wraith scoopy beam. They're gonna be so pissed and mortified if that, in fact, wasn't the signal and Shep was in another Dart.
Lucky for them, it WAS the signal. Shep's fiddling with the controls and grimacing because without the handy dandy datapad translator, he "sure hopes that worked." Heh. Boy, is he going to feel stupid if it turns out he pushed a wrong button and Teyla and Ronon rematerialize later with interchangeable body parts. ["And yet, possibly kinky enough for them." -- Phrenitis] Then he navigates the Dart into joining the rest of the Dart fleet as Wraith from both Hive ships head out to catch some dinner.
The Daedalus sets a course to head off the Hive ships before they can begin culling. The suspenseful Music of Climactic Space Battles tells me I should find this all very exciting and, you know, suspenseful. Lorne and McKay arrive on the bridge just in time for the first nuke to be transported over to one of the Hive ships. Unfortunately, they're too slow and the Wraith have already initiated countermeasures to jam their beaming technology. Ain't that a bitch. Now that everyone knows where everyone is, the Hive ships start firing at the Daedalus, which returns counterfire.
Inside the safety of his Dart, Shep's all "this is not good, omfg!" And because he needs to emphasize just how not good it is, he says it a couple of more times: "Not good, not good." And THEN, because he's a PILOT and knows how to do these things, he breaks formation and aims his big pointy Dart in the direction of the other Hive ship, managing to avoid getting hit or noticed by any of the gazillion other Darts flying past him. Man, these Wraith are stupid, because GEE, I wonder what that ONE ROGUE DART is planning to do.
On the Daedalus, pessimistic Lorne wonders how long they can hold out. According to Rodney, their shields are taking some mighty big hits and it's not looking good. But Colonel Skinner's all "Team Sheppard's been in there for too long, which means they've probably been compromised. So we need to win this and blow their asses out of the sky to keep them from telling any other Wraith about us." Easier said than done, of course.
The HUD in the Dart lets Shep know he's coming up on the other Hive ship pretty fast. So Shep uses the Force, stays on target, and drops a few rounds into the hole that leads to the main reactor core, or in this case, the Dart bay for maximum secondary explosions.
On their own HUD, Rodney points out a tiny red speck. Rodney: "Dart!" Lorne: "Wha?" Rodney: "Firing on its own Hive ship, omg!" Caldwell: "Why?" Oh, Skinner... you disappoint me, you big stupid man. But really, the stupid question is only put forth so Rodney can do the big woobie eyes of shock and awe when he realizes: "Boyfriend!" Since it's the only plausible explanation anyway, he should be ashamed of himself that it took that long for his brain to decipher the visual aid.
Thanks to Shep, the Darts from the two opposing Hive ships start shooting at each other. Then the Hive ships start shooting at each other believing they've been betrayed. And what about the hero himself? Shep's all constipated and grimacing as he avoids getting himself and his precious cargo blown out of the sky.
What do his fellow Earthlings think of his antics? Col. Skinner stupids an "I don't believe what I'm seeing." Lorne obviouses a "Sheppard's actions are getting them to fire at each other." H0r, isn't that what I just said in the last paragraph? But he's pretty, so it's okay. *pets Major Dimples* Rodney: *stupid goofy smile* Dude. Anvils? This is not a good time for me, okay? Let's reschedule anvil bombardment on Pooh for another episode so we can finish this one, please.
The big space battle takes place between the two Hive ships and their Darts. Which is actually kind of boring. Without any of our guys caught in the middle with at least a modicum of omgaretheygonnaliveordie wibbleness, who cares? One ship finally manages to inflict enough damage on the other to cause serious concern. Hive Ship 1: *KABLOOEY!* Hive Ship 2: "Crap! Caught in the Shockwave of Death and Destruction!" And then goes KABLOOEY itself. Duh.
As all of space gets extinguished in the force of the blasts, Larry, Curly and Moe stare at the remnants of Space Battle '06 in horror. Well, mostly McKay is horrified, but that's because Ronon and Teyla are presumed dead. Now who's going to share his love of gourmet delicacies or "Rodney!" him in exasperation? Shut up, it's my recap; I'll ship whoever I want. McKay runs over to another screen to see what the damage tally is. Caldwell asks if any Darts survived and is given a negative. Then, for some reason, he eyefucks Lorne for a good ten minutes. No joke. Lorne then eyefucks him back for another ten minutes. ["I'm going with them both being shit scared that Lizzie's going to kill them for not bringing back her boyfriend. Your brain worries me." -- Phrenitis] And suddenly, I'm VERY, VERY, VERY SCARED. McKay has no one to eyefuck so he just woobies by himself.
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Back on Atlantis, everyone's favorite technician gets to be the bearer of bad news. And how much do you want to bet that Chuck loved THAT. Lizzie: "They called the search off?" Chuck: "They said there was nothing to search for." ["AND THEN HE STARES AT HER BOOBS." -- Phrenitis] Lizzie: *ANGSTS, OMG* Her face falls and you can see how emotional she's trying not to be in front of everyone, so she turns her back on anyone who might be staring. She takes a moment to herself in order to let the news of Team Sheppard's death to fully sink in. As she heads back to her office to mourn alone, her hand comes up to... wipe away tears? Oh, who cares. I just want to hug the crap out of her. The Gate activates without warning, and even as Chuck calls out the unscheduled off-world activation, we see Lizzie trying hard not to start hoping again. In response to Lizzie's question as to who it is, Chuck happies a "It's Colonel Sheppard's code." GLEEEEEEEE! Did you all see how fucking HAPPY Chuck was to pass on that news? Dude. Even Chuck is in love with Shep, which just means Chuck is 1) not blind and 2) has great taste. As soon as Lizzie hears this, her face LIGHTS UP like a supernova, and she orders Chuck to "let him in!" before racing for the steps. Lizzie, let who in? "Let HIM in!" What about the others? Does it matter? Now is not the time to nitpick, because... HAPPY LIZZIE! Is there anything more gorgeous than that? Chuck does as asked, and his smile is bright enough to toast some bagels, too. Aw, Chuck. Your not-so-secret love for the Shep is endearing. ["Even if his boob staring freaks me out." -- Phrenitis]
Shep and "the others" step through the gate. And stop as soon as they see Lizzie running toward them. Shep gives her a Greeting Nod of Eyefucks and Flirty Smiles and she bounces right up to him, returning it -- eyefucking and beaming at him. He offers a flirty-cute "Sorry, we're late" and eyefucks her back. Dude. They are both so damn HOT right now. In a perfect world, Lizzie was ready to pounce and tackle him into a hug a la "Siege, Part 3." Unfortunately, freaking Spanky was there so she had to stay professional, because god knows how those two love to gossip.
The Daedalus docks and the rest of the boys are finally home.
In the infirmary, Carson's using his penlight to mess with Ronon's left eye. Just for kicks. The camera pans lovingly across the length of Ronon's manly body and... crap, talk about more distractions, but there's Shep in those expressive pants again. I've never met a pair of pants that had so much to say. And it's totally not my fault that I noticed that, okay? I mean, IT'S RIGHT THERE, OMG. But I have restraint, because glancing up, I spy yummy arms. Yum. Col. Skinner and McKay enter the infirmary and McKay observes, "You're not dead, wtf." Shep's all "nice to see you, too." And in the back, Lizzie smiles prettily because Shep is still alive to have these childish banters with his BFF. Rodney repeats his question, curious as to how Shep and team escaped the Big Wraith Kablooey. Shep details his impressive escape plan: he initiated the Wraith firefight before escaping through the spacegate to another planet since he didn't think the Dart would fit in their gateroom. Teyla adds that Shep was kind enough to rematerialize them before they went back to Atlantis. Dammit, Shep. It's your fault Teyla's still on my TV, isn't it?! You're damn lucky you're so hot or else I'd find it hard to forgive you.
Caldwell wants to know how Shep managed to get the Hive ships to kill each other. Shep credits Ford's intel and how he himself was able to "goose things along with the Queen." I... don't even want to think about a Shep/Queen OTP. Because EWWW. McKay's obviously thinking it, too, and looking rather upset at the idea. Oh, anvils, you sneaky bastards; you're a little too late for this episode. Ha! Teyla and Ronon both note that the Wraith have become more territorial, which means only good news for Atlantis. Lizzie believes this will add another strategy to their repertoire of Wraith fighting techniques. That's nice and all, but McKay's more interested in Ford. You know, I never did get a Ford/McKay vibe, but if McKay's interested in the man, I'm certainly not going to stop him. Teyla informs them that Ford was on the Hive ship when it exploded, but Shep has more faith in his buddy than that. He corrects her by nitpicking that Ford was "last seen" on the ship before it was destroyed, and he has no doubt that they'll run into him again in the near future. Everyone looks understandably thoughtful about that as ominous music starts playing in the background. The episode fades out on a close up of Shep's pretty face... but not before he turns to eyefuck Lizzie for a second. Seriously, who else was standing in the direction of his line of sight there? ["Ha! He totally does!" -- Phrenitis] *la la la* Say what you will, but almost every episode ends with him seeking her out. I am not making that up, despite what some of you would like to think. So there. The end.
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Next week: Sheppard. Beard. *DIES*
Outside, we see the two Hive ships flying through the tunnel of love. I will refrain from making porn jokes. Inside his cell, Joe Flanigan checks up on the props department's work; after the ridiculously Nerf-tastic Dart, I don't blame him. Neera-ho interrupts his foam rubber inspections to apologize for getting Shep and his friends caught. What else can Shep say but "that's okay, you're not that big of an evil h0r"? Of course, Neera-ho still feels the need to point out that because of her, Ford's taken her place on the menu. Hero!Shep assures her that he'll get everyone off the damn Wraith ship. Because she's evil and nosy, ho needs to know exactly how he plans on doing that, with visual aids, diagrams, and schematics, if possible, kthxbye. Shep dorkily admits that, "Okay, I haven't figured that part out yet, but when I do, it's going to be really impressive." The man is so damn sexy right now, I have absolute faith in him that he will, in fact, do something Pretty Damn Impressive. Hell, the fact that a man this gorgeous exists in nature is already Pretty Damn Impressive. Neera-ho doesn't have the faith I do and challenges him, warning him the Wraith will kick his ass. "Yeah, well, I try not to let them tell me what I can and can't do," he scoffs. And because she's never met anyone this cocky before, Neera-ho's all, "you do not fear them, omgwtf?" Shep: "No. Now clowns. That's another story. Scare the crap out of me." Heh. To be fair, clowns are some scary bastards, and that's even if you don't take into account the whole creepy It thing. Since she's an alien and has absolutely no idea who Stephen King is or why circuses are evil, she gives him the "err... whatthefuckever." Pfft. Thank god Shep has absolutely no interest in her.
Office of Angst. Rodney's finally up and about, all "bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, as the idiom goes." (ZOMG, Rodney's a squirrel?! qwirky's gonna love that.) MamaBear -- who has SEXY hair in this scene, btw -- feeds him the obligatory 'how are you feeling' line, and Rodney blah blah blahs for a bit. Anyway, while Rodney yaps about being under the influence of WraithCrack, Lizzie tries not to shake him so he'll just get to the point; specifically, what the hell happened and where the hell is everyone else. Aha, now that he's been tasked to save the world again, Rodney veers back on topic so we can finally move to end this episode already. They pede-conference toward a computer terminal while he briefs her on Ford and his Merry Band of Gangbangers. Rodney: "Shep and company went off to wreck up a Hive ship." Lizzie: "OMGWTFHIVESHIP?" And she looks both pissed and ready to beat the crap out of Shep when she gets her hands on him. Rodney's not interested in Sparky sex rituals so he continues: "OMG, Ford's totally whack." And then: "When they didn't return from the mission, I realized something had obviously gone wrong." Okay. When did Rodney take over Ronon's job as Mr. Obvious? Because seriously, WHEN DOESN'T a mission ever not go wrong? Together, MamaBear and Rodney realize that since they have the address of the planet to be culled, they can find the Hive ships to rescue their people and/or warn the denizens of the planet of their impending doom. Bolstered with newfound hope of rescuing her favorite military commander, Lizzie skips back to her office to alert Colonel Skinner of this new development while Rodney uses the computer to check email and catch up on LJ. Thankfully, we're spared his bitching and moaning about having to go back skip=5000 posts on his friends list. God knows we've all been there before.
Cell of So Doing It Already Dun It. See? Teyla's sleeping it off. Notice the use of the Pimp Coat as a pillow. People, this means they're married with kids by now. Startled awake, she sits up quickly (preceded only by the robo-boobs). Once again, Ronon is watching her. Under normal circumstances, having a guy stare at you while you sleep is kind of creepy, but this is Spanky and Ronon's hot and obviously in love with her, so it's okay. They do the "you okay?"/"I'm okay" exchange before Ronon admits he's getting kind of sick of being stuck in the cell. I guess there really was a limit to the unlimited supply of knives or else he would have had the cell open by now. In any case, he thinks their only option for escape is to create a diversion. I agree. I also think that the best kind of diversion would involve taking off his shirt, and I don't suggest it purely because I'm a hormonal woman who came in embracing his character only because I was under the (apparently false) assumption that he would be shirtless for most of his scenes. I'm just suggesting it because hello, that chest? Could distract anyone. Before one of them can suggest that they storm the cell using the deadly combination of Ronon's chest and Teyla's boobs... Teyla decides to make Ronon jealous by changing the subject to Ford's welfare. Dammit, Teyla, you h0r! You're supposed to be concentrating on Spanky now! Okay, so I totally shipped Teyla/Ford before, but still... Ronon's right in front of her, omg, and that's just tactless of her to get all mushy about another man in front of him. Ronon thinks so, too, because he tells her that "if [he] distracts you, clear your mind of him." Ha. In other words: "Forget about him, woman! I'm here! Me and the eighth wonder of the Pegasus Galaxy: my chest." (For the record, the seventh wonder is Teyla's breastplate.) Teyla's all confused by Ronon's use of big confusing words so Ronon advises that if she's pissed with Ford, then use that to fuel her rage against the Wraith. Teyla still looks confused.
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In the other cell, Shep's still staring out into space, waiting for his Big Impressive Plan of Heroic Proportions to show up. He finally asks if Neera-ho has anything sharp, like a 22-piece Ginsu set. Unfortunately, the answer is no. Not that he was expecting any different: "It's just that everyone in my last cell had one so..." Poor Shep. You better believe he's going to stock up for his next mission, just in case. With his impressive escape plan still sadly out of reach, Neera-ho decides to milk Shep (in a totally NOT dirty way) for information. She yadda yadda yaddas a sob story about how her people were taken by the Wraith, and Shep generously offers her hope by revealing that even though they've known when to hold 'em, known when to fold 'em, known when to walk away and known when to run, his people have the means and the balls of metallic shininess to keep on fighting those damn lifesuckers. Neera: "And the clowns?" Shep: "Clowns? WTF?" And then, remembering, he responds in his best deadpan: "Oh, yeah, the clowns. Well, we fight them, too -- entire armies, spilling out of Volkswagons. We do our best to fight them off, but... they keep sending them in." Ahaha. *dies laughing* JF's line delivery? PERFECT. Neera-ho: "...er... whatever, freak." Aw, she's a pooper. Alienh0rs in the Pegasus Galaxy don't seem to have a sense of humor. Hrmph.
Daedalus. Rodney's giving Colonel Skinner the lowdown on the planet they plan on saving. Behind them, our two other favorite men of Atlantis -- Lorne! Radek! RAWR! -- trail after them. Colonel Skinner only wants to know if they have enough time to get to the planet before the Wraith do. There's some Snappy back and forth between Rodney's "yes"ing and Radek's "maybe"ing, which was obviously put there to off-set all the Beckett/McKay anvils in this episode. Rodney's all, "Asgard!Beam, omg" for rescuing Shep and "others." Colonel Skinner's all, "Okay, fine, whatever." And then everyone heads toward the bridge. Except Radek. Who answers Lorne's "you coming with us?" with a flaily "no." I'm not even going to touch the potential Lorne/Zelenka anvils there. Radek then looks like a lost little boy as everyone leaves him standing in the corridor. Er... that's it? WTF? What was the point of Radek even being in this episode... for all of a minute? RAR!
Clown Central. Neera-ho slinks up to Shep, who's sitting in the corner trying to get some shut eye. Without even asking, Ms. Ho situates herself up against our favorite Lt. Colonel, who, for the life of me I can't figure out why, has one arm positioned in such an awkward way. Neera: *snuggles* Shep: *eyes pop open* "...wtf?" Neera: "For warmth, duh." Shep: "Er... okay." And then he puts his arm around her, and it would be quite gentlemanly of him if only he didn't look like he desperately did not want to touch her for fear of catching her cooties or something. Obviously, he's thinking of Lizzie and how she'll kick his ass once she finds out about this. Despite easy access to the alienh0r that's cuddled up next to him, Shep concentrates on sleeping again. Heh. TOO BAD THIS CHICK WON'T SHUT UP. Neera: "Blah blah blah" Shep: *tries to sleep* Neera: "Blah blah blah" Shep: *tries to sleep* And so on and so forth. You almost feel sorry for Shep because the man just wants to sleep and the alienh0r has no concept of silence. But of course, there's a reason behind all the nonstop chatter. She's fishing for intel, and every question is coincidentally about Earth. Finally, Neera blah blah blahs one question too many. Shep: "TRYING TO SLEEP, OMFG!" Neera: "FINE, DAMN YOU." But Shep can't sleep anymore. He's onto her. All the questions about Earth, especially the question as to what Earth is called, has his spidey sense all a-tingle. Not to mention she places her hand on his chest -- something that Shep is decidedly very uncomfortable about -- and gee, I wonder where we've seen THAT before? The scene fades out on Shep squinting his eyes and furrowing his brow because while he still may not have a grasp on that elusive Impressive Escape Plan, he's definitely getting some other ideas he's not too happy about.
Later. The Hive Ship of Doom drops out of hyperspace, jolting Shep and his alienh0r interrogator awake. Shep hypothesizes that the Wraith are probably getting ready for the culling, but before he can ponder that thought any further, a hand reaches into the cell and the Ambiguously Gay SteveTwin throws him into the arms of two waiting Wraith goons. Shep is once again led away to meet his doom. SteveTwin leers (or maybe nods, it's hard to tell) at Neera. BECAUSE SHE'S IN CAHOOTS WITH HIM, duh. Before sashaying away to catch up with Shep and his goon squad.
Back at the S&M laser lightshow (I seriously do not get Wraith interior decorating. Track lighting, I get, but what's up with all the lasers?), the Wraith goons position Shep on the giant Wraith surfboard. The Goth Queen makes her fashionably late appearance and is all "Talk now, rar?" Shep's all "Talking is overrated, yo." Queen: "You're very stubborn." Shep: "Tell me something I don't know." And then he turns to her and adds a cryptic "And she's very pretty, by the way." See? Even though he admits Neera-ho was pretty, he never made a move on her, which makes me proud. Maybe Shep isn't entirely a manh0r who will hit on everything and anything. THANK GOD. The Queen squints and pretends like she's not busted. So Shep clarifies for her: "The one you planted in the cocoons for us to rescue?" Queen: *lalala, can't hear you* Shep: "The one you planted in our cell to get information from me?" Queen: *lalala, don't know what you're talking about, omfg* Shep: "The one you... oh, fuck it." Queen: *HISSSSS*, because she's so busted*
Outside, the Daedalus is making good time through its own hyperspace tunnel. No, really, I'm still refraining from making pr0n jokes. I've done good so far, no need to mess up the (mostly) family friendliness of this recap. Ha, just cracked myself up. There's some mission strategizing involving the use of the planet as a screen, Lorne and McKay taking a Jumper to find out if Shep and team are okay, and something about beaming aboard a nuke if they're not. Then Colonel Skinner informs McKay that he'll be the people person on this mission while Skinner will be in charge of all the kablooeys. Dude, if McKay's gonna be the people person, then there is something seriously fucked up about this rescue operation. But hello! McKay and Lorne do the "just missed making eye contact" eyefuck. What? I didn't say anything... except that Major Dimples is majorly hot and really needs to be a regular next season.
Back on the Hive, everyone congregates on the magic surfboard. Neera-ho finally shows up, just so Shep can bitch at her. He's all, "I totally knew you let us break out so easily for a reason," except hindsight is 20/20 and Shep should have considered that EARLIER. The Queen divas a "she is one of many thousands that have come to serve us... even worship us." Upon hearing this, Shep stares disgustedly at Neera-ho because, after all the vanilla Kirking he's been forced to participate in by TPTB, he just missed his one opportunity for Kirking with a seriously kinky freak. Just to make sure Shep understands what he missed out on, the Queen Dominatrix injects a little bit of femslash into this show by caressing Neera-ho's face. Shep's all "A Wraith worshipper, huh? Wow." Except he's thinking it's the exact opposite of "wow." Poor stupid Neera-ho doesn't get the sarcasm and tries to preach about the "Prophecy of the Great Awakening" (prophecy? So Shep was fated to cause trouble in this galaxy? Wha? *head explodes*) -- upon hearing this, Shep starts making THINKING FACES -- before launching into a history lesson. Since we all know how Shep feels about longwinded history lessons, it should be no shock that he unceremoniously cuts her off with a "yeah, yeah, yeah, I know about that because I am one, too." The Queen: *unconvinced* Shep lies to her that, in his case, "it's not so much worship as it is a meaningful business relationship." Ask me how much I love that Shep is thinking on his feet. Boy's smart, even if they don't really show it all that often. Queen hears this and is pissed, calling him a liar. She's right, but he's really good at the lying, implying that he got both the Dart and the plans for Hive infiltration from another Queen. Obviously, this isn't something Goth Queen wants to hear and demands to know what other Queen is willing to betray her. Having been told by Teyla's super Wraith sense about the other Hive ship outside, Shep uses that knowledge to manipulate this Queen and covers up his lies by mocking the Goth Queen's naiveté that the other Queen would admit to being cohorts with Shep. Goth Queen: "OMGSTFU!" Shep: *is mindraped* The Goth Queen's had enough with Shep's defiance and decides to suck him dry. (You know exactly what I mean, you dirty perverts!) I'd like to file another complaint at the inconsistency of the Wraith suckage. Let's get it straight once and for all: do they or do they not need to rip open the sexy man's shirt before attempting to suck the life out of him? Because you can't have it both ways, and since the precedence was already set for shirt-ripping!yay! with Sumner's death, I demand that we adhere strictly to protocols for continuity's sake, dammit. Stupid writers, I kick you for messing with my brains!
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Before any shirts can be shredded or chests can be sucked, a flash of red takes down the Goth Queen. IT'S FORD! WHEEEEE! He's armed with Ronon's Belle and takes down a bunch of Wraith before tossing Belle over to a very relieved Shep. A couple of stuns to Ford's body let us know that the man has been re-crackified and raring to go. They put the rest of the goons in the room out of commission, and Shep just misses zapping Neera-ho when she runs like the little sissy Wraith-bitch that she is. Too bad. Ford splits the gear he's managed to reacquire, admitting that getting the gear was the easy part but that "finding more enzyme? That was the hard part." Together, they lope through the halls, firing willy-nilly at any Wraith who stupidly decide to pop into frame in a misguided attempt to stop our heroes. Shep: "You're one tough son of a bitch." Ford: *wipes away a tear of happiness and tries not to glee at finally being recognized as an Official Badass by his hero* Shep heads down the hall but Ford's not following. Shep's all, "Dude, wtf, you coming or not?" Ford's all, "Not. Don't worry; just follow the yellow brick road." Or something. What? You think I watch this show for dialogue? Nah. I watch this show to stare at the beautiful men with guns. Ford plans on staying behind to repel the incoming Wraith goons, but Shep won't hear of it. Ford says he'll "hold the Wraith back, boss." And fuck me, but I got all teary-eyed at Ford calling Shep "boss." *sniffle* I miss these two working together, dammit! Then Shep proceeds to kill me with angst by threatening Ford with an "I'm not going without you, Lieutenant." And then Ford... calls Shep "John"? OMG, I don't know! *flails* I don't have closed captioning on this thing! Someone TELL ME, OMG! I've looped it a million times, but I can't decide whether he said "go on" or "Jo-ohn" and it's driving me NUTS. (ETA: The sexyhot kyrdwyn has checked for me, and apparently, Ford's words: "John. I'll catch up. Now go!" Which makes my BRAIN EXPLODE because he totally took the intiative himself to call Shep by his name. Even Teyla needed to be ordered to do that. FORD LUFFS JOHN, OMG!) Anyway, Ford runs back the way he came, waving his arms and trying to cause a diversion. Left with his mouth hanging open, Shep stands rooted to the spot like an idiot as the alarms start blaring again. He finally lets out an "oh crap" and heads off to rescue Ronon and Teyla.
In the cell of alien sexing, Ronon warns Teyla to get ready to put their LameAss Plan of Cheap Distractions into effect. Except Ronon's nowhere near prepared to take his shirt off, so I have no clue how he expects to escape. His shirt is safe for another day as Shep -- not Wraith -- rounds the corner. Upon seeing Shep, Ronon's all "Hey." Which, as you know, is Baywatchian for "I luff you, omg!" Shep returns the greeting with "I'm gonna bust you guys out of here," which is Sheph0rian for "Right back at you, my big manly stud." Or something. I don't slash Shep/Ronon AT ALL. I just think it's hilarious. Teyla finally cracks a smile, which is startling enough to make me fall off my chair. Maybe she didn't have a stick lodged up her butt in this episode after all. Shep uses Belle to blast the crap out of the control panel and the cell door opens instantly. Despite the awesomeness of Belle and Shep's desire to "get myself one of these," he doesn't hesitate in returning the weapon to its rightful owner. They do a quick people inventory to see who's still alive. Teyla, of course, hasn't stopped worrying about her ex-lover, Ford, and Shep gives her hope by revealing that "the last I saw, he was alive, and I'm sticking with that." That's right, bitch, never underestimate Ford's ability to survive until there's absolute definitive proof that all music VJs have left the galaxy. Ronon grabs his Pimp Coat, because he never goes anywhere without it. Though, the question that begs to be asked is if it's actually possible FOR him to leave and forget his coat somewhere. After all, even though he lost it on the Planet of Dirty Convicts during "Condemned," it still miraculously appeared on his body in the very next episode. ["Maybe he's got a couple extra just in case. Like the Batsuit. Or Torri's Coexist shirts. What? I'M NOT A STALKER." -- Phrenitis]
Somewhere behind Planet Shit, We're In Trouble, the Daedalus zooms out of hyperspace. Colonel Skinner gives Lorne and McKay in the Jumper a go, and the two zip around the planet. To find two Hive ships. Ohnoes! The two brat at each other, all "omg, two ships!" and "you said one!" and "wtf now?" and "RAR!" Knowing there's nothing they can do, they try to hail Shep somewhere down in one of the Hives.
Too bad Shep's too busy running for his fucking life! They stop just outside the Dart bay. Teyla obviouses a "The culling is just beginning" as soon as they see all the Darts zooming out of the bay. Shep figures they need to stop them, and in answer to Ronon's "how," details a pretty impressive plan that basically narrows down to "wait for my signal; then go!" The man is succinct, okay? Sheesh. Then Shep runs into the Dart bay. And man, do I LOVE watching that man run. Rawr. Teyla and Ronon are left behind, all "think there's enough time to dun sex while we wait?" *whistles innocently*
Meanwhile, Lorne and McKay update Caldwell on the status of Team Sheppard. There's no radio link, but McKay's all "Never give up! Never surrender!" ["GALAXY QUEST IS LOVE!" -- Phrenitis] Or something. Caldwell would rather not make an ass out of himself by jumping to unfounded assumptions on the health of Team Sheppard; he's more interested in stopping the Wraith from culling the planet. He orders the Jumper back to the ship. Neither Rodney nor Lorne look happy about that.
Teyla and Ronon, sick of waiting around doing nothing, edge up to the opening of the Dart bay. All the Darts are heading in one direction, except for one, that is heading directly for them. Teyla asks if that's the signal, like Ronon would know. And Ronon can only offer an "it better be" before the two of them risk it and run out to greet the Wraith scoopy beam. They're gonna be so pissed and mortified if that, in fact, wasn't the signal and Shep was in another Dart.
Lucky for them, it WAS the signal. Shep's fiddling with the controls and grimacing because without the handy dandy datapad translator, he "sure hopes that worked." Heh. Boy, is he going to feel stupid if it turns out he pushed a wrong button and Teyla and Ronon rematerialize later with interchangeable body parts. ["And yet, possibly kinky enough for them." -- Phrenitis] Then he navigates the Dart into joining the rest of the Dart fleet as Wraith from both Hive ships head out to catch some dinner.
The Daedalus sets a course to head off the Hive ships before they can begin culling. The suspenseful Music of Climactic Space Battles tells me I should find this all very exciting and, you know, suspenseful. Lorne and McKay arrive on the bridge just in time for the first nuke to be transported over to one of the Hive ships. Unfortunately, they're too slow and the Wraith have already initiated countermeasures to jam their beaming technology. Ain't that a bitch. Now that everyone knows where everyone is, the Hive ships start firing at the Daedalus, which returns counterfire.
Inside the safety of his Dart, Shep's all "this is not good, omfg!" And because he needs to emphasize just how not good it is, he says it a couple of more times: "Not good, not good." And THEN, because he's a PILOT and knows how to do these things, he breaks formation and aims his big pointy Dart in the direction of the other Hive ship, managing to avoid getting hit or noticed by any of the gazillion other Darts flying past him. Man, these Wraith are stupid, because GEE, I wonder what that ONE ROGUE DART is planning to do.
On the Daedalus, pessimistic Lorne wonders how long they can hold out. According to Rodney, their shields are taking some mighty big hits and it's not looking good. But Colonel Skinner's all "Team Sheppard's been in there for too long, which means they've probably been compromised. So we need to win this and blow their asses out of the sky to keep them from telling any other Wraith about us." Easier said than done, of course.
The HUD in the Dart lets Shep know he's coming up on the other Hive ship pretty fast. So Shep uses the Force, stays on target, and drops a few rounds into the hole that leads to the main reactor core, or in this case, the Dart bay for maximum secondary explosions.
On their own HUD, Rodney points out a tiny red speck. Rodney: "Dart!" Lorne: "Wha?" Rodney: "Firing on its own Hive ship, omg!" Caldwell: "Why?" Oh, Skinner... you disappoint me, you big stupid man. But really, the stupid question is only put forth so Rodney can do the big woobie eyes of shock and awe when he realizes: "Boyfriend!" Since it's the only plausible explanation anyway, he should be ashamed of himself that it took that long for his brain to decipher the visual aid.
Thanks to Shep, the Darts from the two opposing Hive ships start shooting at each other. Then the Hive ships start shooting at each other believing they've been betrayed. And what about the hero himself? Shep's all constipated and grimacing as he avoids getting himself and his precious cargo blown out of the sky.
What do his fellow Earthlings think of his antics? Col. Skinner stupids an "I don't believe what I'm seeing." Lorne obviouses a "Sheppard's actions are getting them to fire at each other." H0r, isn't that what I just said in the last paragraph? But he's pretty, so it's okay. *pets Major Dimples* Rodney: *stupid goofy smile* Dude. Anvils? This is not a good time for me, okay? Let's reschedule anvil bombardment on Pooh for another episode so we can finish this one, please.
The big space battle takes place between the two Hive ships and their Darts. Which is actually kind of boring. Without any of our guys caught in the middle with at least a modicum of omgaretheygonnaliveordie wibbleness, who cares? One ship finally manages to inflict enough damage on the other to cause serious concern. Hive Ship 1: *KABLOOEY!* Hive Ship 2: "Crap! Caught in the Shockwave of Death and Destruction!" And then goes KABLOOEY itself. Duh.
As all of space gets extinguished in the force of the blasts, Larry, Curly and Moe stare at the remnants of Space Battle '06 in horror. Well, mostly McKay is horrified, but that's because Ronon and Teyla are presumed dead. Now who's going to share his love of gourmet delicacies or "Rodney!" him in exasperation? Shut up, it's my recap; I'll ship whoever I want. McKay runs over to another screen to see what the damage tally is. Caldwell asks if any Darts survived and is given a negative. Then, for some reason, he eyefucks Lorne for a good ten minutes. No joke. Lorne then eyefucks him back for another ten minutes. ["I'm going with them both being shit scared that Lizzie's going to kill them for not bringing back her boyfriend. Your brain worries me." -- Phrenitis] And suddenly, I'm VERY, VERY, VERY SCARED. McKay has no one to eyefuck so he just woobies by himself.
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Back on Atlantis, everyone's favorite technician gets to be the bearer of bad news. And how much do you want to bet that Chuck loved THAT. Lizzie: "They called the search off?" Chuck: "They said there was nothing to search for." ["AND THEN HE STARES AT HER BOOBS." -- Phrenitis] Lizzie: *ANGSTS, OMG* Her face falls and you can see how emotional she's trying not to be in front of everyone, so she turns her back on anyone who might be staring. She takes a moment to herself in order to let the news of Team Sheppard's death to fully sink in. As she heads back to her office to mourn alone, her hand comes up to... wipe away tears? Oh, who cares. I just want to hug the crap out of her. The Gate activates without warning, and even as Chuck calls out the unscheduled off-world activation, we see Lizzie trying hard not to start hoping again. In response to Lizzie's question as to who it is, Chuck happies a "It's Colonel Sheppard's code." GLEEEEEEEE! Did you all see how fucking HAPPY Chuck was to pass on that news? Dude. Even Chuck is in love with Shep, which just means Chuck is 1) not blind and 2) has great taste. As soon as Lizzie hears this, her face LIGHTS UP like a supernova, and she orders Chuck to "let him in!" before racing for the steps. Lizzie, let who in? "Let HIM in!" What about the others? Does it matter? Now is not the time to nitpick, because... HAPPY LIZZIE! Is there anything more gorgeous than that? Chuck does as asked, and his smile is bright enough to toast some bagels, too. Aw, Chuck. Your not-so-secret love for the Shep is endearing. ["Even if his boob staring freaks me out." -- Phrenitis]
Shep and "the others" step through the gate. And stop as soon as they see Lizzie running toward them. Shep gives her a Greeting Nod of Eyefucks and Flirty Smiles and she bounces right up to him, returning it -- eyefucking and beaming at him. He offers a flirty-cute "Sorry, we're late" and eyefucks her back. Dude. They are both so damn HOT right now. In a perfect world, Lizzie was ready to pounce and tackle him into a hug a la "Siege, Part 3." Unfortunately, freaking Spanky was there so she had to stay professional, because god knows how those two love to gossip.
The Daedalus docks and the rest of the boys are finally home.
In the infirmary, Carson's using his penlight to mess with Ronon's left eye. Just for kicks. The camera pans lovingly across the length of Ronon's manly body and... crap, talk about more distractions, but there's Shep in those expressive pants again. I've never met a pair of pants that had so much to say. And it's totally not my fault that I noticed that, okay? I mean, IT'S RIGHT THERE, OMG. But I have restraint, because glancing up, I spy yummy arms. Yum. Col. Skinner and McKay enter the infirmary and McKay observes, "You're not dead, wtf." Shep's all "nice to see you, too." And in the back, Lizzie smiles prettily because Shep is still alive to have these childish banters with his BFF. Rodney repeats his question, curious as to how Shep and team escaped the Big Wraith Kablooey. Shep details his impressive escape plan: he initiated the Wraith firefight before escaping through the spacegate to another planet since he didn't think the Dart would fit in their gateroom. Teyla adds that Shep was kind enough to rematerialize them before they went back to Atlantis. Dammit, Shep. It's your fault Teyla's still on my TV, isn't it?! You're damn lucky you're so hot or else I'd find it hard to forgive you.
Caldwell wants to know how Shep managed to get the Hive ships to kill each other. Shep credits Ford's intel and how he himself was able to "goose things along with the Queen." I... don't even want to think about a Shep/Queen OTP. Because EWWW. McKay's obviously thinking it, too, and looking rather upset at the idea. Oh, anvils, you sneaky bastards; you're a little too late for this episode. Ha! Teyla and Ronon both note that the Wraith have become more territorial, which means only good news for Atlantis. Lizzie believes this will add another strategy to their repertoire of Wraith fighting techniques. That's nice and all, but McKay's more interested in Ford. You know, I never did get a Ford/McKay vibe, but if McKay's interested in the man, I'm certainly not going to stop him. Teyla informs them that Ford was on the Hive ship when it exploded, but Shep has more faith in his buddy than that. He corrects her by nitpicking that Ford was "last seen" on the ship before it was destroyed, and he has no doubt that they'll run into him again in the near future. Everyone looks understandably thoughtful about that as ominous music starts playing in the background. The episode fades out on a close up of Shep's pretty face... but not before he turns to eyefuck Lizzie for a second. Seriously, who else was standing in the direction of his line of sight there? ["Ha! He totally does!" -- Phrenitis] *la la la* Say what you will, but almost every episode ends with him seeking her out. I am not making that up, despite what some of you would like to think. So there. The end.
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Next week: Sheppard. Beard. *DIES*