3x05: "Progeny"

[mspooh]

Remember this episode? At this rate, I'll always be about 3 episodes behind. *gladly awaits hiatus* Enjoy!


SGA 3x05: "Progeny"

Lantis Control Room. Team Atlantis is back in their usual grays, having sent their lovely black uniforms of last week to the dry cleaners. In other words: NO LEATHER. Hateful Wardrobe. No cake for you! Down in the gateroom, where the minions do the grunt work, a MALP is sent through the gate. Upstairs with all the Pretty People, Shep backs away from his perch at the balcony (because he's not allowed to stand there without Lizzeh) to rejoin the rest of the main cast at the consoles, while using two of my favorite kinks -- one hand in his pocket; one hand hooked on his belt. Mmm. Take it off! (Sorry. After-effects from the friend's bachelorette party.)

Rodney does the usual pre-mission exposition about some planet, the Ancient database, and an incomplete entry. Of course, "abandoned research facility" piques everyone's interest. Read: "Let's go see if there's Ancient tech to steal, er, salvage." Lizzeh, who's mimicking Shep's earlier stance with her hands in her pockets, thinks it sounds super-duper. Chuck announces incoming visuals from the MALP, which is sent directly to the Big TeeVee of Awesome. Hmm, the BTVoA is a lot smaller than I remember. Anyway, the staticky image resolves into a group of sketchy-looking people curiously examining the MALP. Lizzeh sees their simple earth-tone clothing and immediately concludes: "ANCIENTS!" Rodney: "..." Shep: "omgwtf." Because he's a skeptical bastard, Rodney refuses to jump to conclusions, insisting that the presence of a Gameboy Life Signs Detector does not an Ancient make. The Poor Man's Julian Sands finally acknowledges them, offering friendship if they come in peace and nasty things if they don't. Knowing TPTB, I don't think it's going to matter. It'll end badly either way.

Later in the gateroom, Teyla waits patiently for the rest of her team to stop primping in front of the mirror. Because Ronon's idea of gearing up for a mission is strapping on Belle, he arrives soon after. Upon seeing Teyla, he tries to impress her with complicated Hand Porning of Alien Mating, thinly disguised as Macho Gun Twirling. Teyla smiles indulgently, because she knows when she's being wooed. After the appropriate amount of hair gel has been applied, Shep arrives with Rodney, scolding Ronon about being friendly explorers. Ronon shrugs an "I'm friendly," but Shep knows his puppy better than most and makes a very PapaBear-ish request to put Belle on the It Won't Hurt, You'll Only Feel a Little Pinch setting. Puppy demonstrates that it is indeed set to stun. "Friendlier," Shep remarks, happily. Off to the side, Rodney babbles a confused "You coming, too?" to a geared up Lizzeh. With Shep silent on this plot twist, Lizzeh explains that she might as well establish early diplomatic relations with such an advanced society. Or: "Before Shep fucks it all up." To my confusion -- because it goes against EVERYTHING Fanon has drilled into me about Shep hating the idea of Lizzeh off-world (though he's encouraged her to go off-base for Genii negotiations -- ALONE) -- Shep just grins and gives a jaunty "Well, you're the boss. Let's go." So they go.

Wooshy time filler! Lizzeh emerges on the other side, right beside Shep. Just thought I'd point that out. Lalala. They're apparently... back in the gateroom. D'OH! This? Is what happens when "Sateda" wipes out the SFX and location budget for the rest of the season's front half. Lizzeh: "WTF." Shep: "I didn't know the gate had U-turns." Rodney: "Well, it's been known to happen to SG-1 on numerous occasions, but since it also usually involves some kind of time travel, that's probably not the case here. I mean, we don't even have a fucking quantum mirror, for god's sake." Behind Lizzeh, the gate shuts down and on the other side of the gate is Dwarrowdelf, relocated to Clone!Atlantis. "So not exactly like our gateroom," Shep obviouses, already wishing they could move in because skating-boarding down that hall would be totally awesome. A welcoming committee gathers to stare at them, so Lizzeh is all, "We come in peace." Poor Man's Julian Sands apparently calls himself Niam. I don't like the way he's staring at Lizzeh, which means he'll probably DIE in this episode. Granted, you can't fault him for pseudo-leering, given how gorgeous she is. He welcomes them to Asuras, sending Shep into a Frenzy of Lip-Licking/Pursing at facing competition for Lizzeh's attention, but this is a no-brainer. After all, Shep's still prettier than everyone else and has nothing to worry about.

Poll

Credits!

The team follows Niam down a long corridor. Apparently walking for a really long time, Shep whispers that he's "still waiting to meet an Ancient race that's invented the car" which makes no sense because it's usually Rodney who bitches about the exercise. Overhearing this -- because Shep can't whisper for his life -- Niam's all, "Don't make me stop this walk and LEAVE YOU HERE." Those who can endure the less than strenuous pace eventually get to meet the Wizard, er, High Council. Off Lizzeh's question on how long they've lived in Not!Atlantis, Niam reveals that they've built this city on rock 'n roll and have been partying for thousands of years. There's some unhelpful non-answering of questions about the distinction between building a city and moving into it, and ends with Niam pooh-poohing the Wraith.

Rodney ah-ha's that Niam's not really answering their questions, but all are then too distracted by a picture window looking out into the city. Upon seeing that Not!Atlantis is more like Atlantis: Coruscant, Lizzeh's all, "OMG!" (much like the first time she saw the very impressive Naked!Shep in bed, no doubt). Rodney instantly spit-fires questions about the number of ZPMs necessary to support a city of that size and a population of that magnitude. Rodney: "What -- three... four?" He tries not to glee. Niam: "Uh.. LOTS." Rodney: *brain breaks* Shep: "Exactly how many?" Rodney: "'Exactly' doesn't matter. Many is plenty." Niam: "Your puny human brain can't grasp a number that large. We make them ourselves. No biggie. Cheap labor." Rodney: *orgasms* Shep: "Easy, Rodney; you're slobbering." Everyone: *oohs at the prospect of trading for Super!ZPMs* Niam reminds them that the council is waiting and Rodney, having ditched Ronon for his even NEWER BFF, happily chases after him. The others stay behind to chit-chat, and Shep grumbles that if they are indeed Ancients, he's got "a bone to pick with them." Yeah, like WTF is it about their horny women who just won't take "NO" for an answer? Lizzeh just gives Teyla a huge smile, because THEY ARE FRIENDS despite what TPTB want you to think.

High Council of Ancient Nosybodies. My cute ship is breaking PROXIMITY BARRIERS. They're practically touching! The head of the council is one David Ogden Stiers. In other words, the Reverend Purdy -- but only because I don't know how many of the young'uns that populate LJ's ranks would even remember one Charles Emerson Winchester III. I'm just going to cut to the chase and label him EVIL because it'll save time and besides, TPTB aren't that creative. Lizzeh and Shep tag team to complete each other's sentences and reveal that they're from a galaxy far, far away. She includes that they discovered the planet's address in an Ancient database with no other information. All the soon-to-be-revealed-as-evil people: *perk up* Reverend Purdy blah blahs a whole bunch of bull about having broken faction with the rest of the Ancients due to some little dust-up. Standing beside Shep, Teyla's mouth drops open for the rest of the discussion because she never thought she'd ever find a city full of living Ancestors and cannot wait to rub it in Halling's face. If he even still exists, that is. According to the exposition, the other Ancients ignored these Ancients' warnings regarding the Wraith, so these guys high-tailed it to this city. Or whatever. You know, it's really hard not to be distracted by the prettiness of my OTP when the editors keep giving me scenes of them (and only them) standing together on-screen.

Shep makes a little joke but Reverend Purdy doesn't even crack a smile, which means he's Truly EVIL. Only evil people have crappy senses of humors on TV, yo. Because there could be intel that they could use, Lizzeh wonders what advice the other Ancients could have pooh-poohed. Reverend Purdy, whose name is actually Oberoth in this episode, claims the other Ancients were "arrogant," and the Wraith were plenty. And this is new information, HOW? Ronon notes that they wouldn't have been outnumbered if these people had helped. Whispering to Elizabeth, Shep: "There's that bone I wanted to pick at." Hee. Lizzeh only gives him a knowing look. Ronon: "Where I come from, we take care of our family." Oberoth: *glares* Defusing the situation with rather surprising diplomatic skills -- ones I'd like to believe were learned from Lizzeh...in bed -- Shep: "Angry Puppy just means that we could use your help." Oberoth assures them that they plan on eradicating the Wraith like the roaches they are, but off Rodney's gleeful curiosity, Oberoth glares some more and proclaims that they're unable "to grasp [the plan's] complexity and scope." McKay and Shep chuckle because their middles names just happen to be Complexity and Scope, but Oberoth's Evil Gene makes him immune to humor and charm. Not amused, he cuts them off, stating unequivocally that the puny humans don't need to bother with the details. Of course, this doesn't sit well with either Shep or Lizzeh, but Oberoth dismisses them without preamble. Security guards arrive to usher them out of the room, with one of those guys copping a feel on Shep (he so did, too!) and then exhibits signs of being a Shep/Weir shipper by pushing Shep into Lizzeh. AWESOME.

As Niam leads them through the city, Rodney bitches about the pot and kettle case of Oberoth's Arrogance. Niam explains that Oberoth thinks they're all stupid. Of course, that sends Rodney into a bitch-rant since he's got a few PhDs in his pocket, and how many does Oberoth have? Seeing how I could have gotten a PhD if I had the time, his argument's a wash. Before Rodney can cause a war just on the power of his bruised ego, Lizzeh, who looks quite adorable in her oversized vest, wonders aloud why these Ancients haven't gotten around to glowing in a few thousand years. Stunned, Niam: "You know about ascension?" Lizzeh: "Sure. TPTB made it so on SG-1 and passed it onto us. Daniel's done it a few times. Hell, even Shep's been propositioned. How hard could it be?" Niam is super-excited -- about the prospect of ascension or about Lizzeh's awesomeness, it's hard to tell exactly why he's O-Facing. Lizzeh giddies with him because she loves her Ancients, but unfortunately, Niam admits that their party pooper "Oberoth feels there is still much to do. We must become all that we can." Lizzeh's all, "But there's no US Army recruitment center in the Pegasus Galaxy, and we already have a full complement of military." She also senses Niam does not agree with his High Holy Arrogance. Shep senses something, too, watching Niam's reaction carefully, because as soon as they stopped walking, Shep moved from watching Lizzeh's six to stand beside her, ostensibly to stay close just in case. YES, HE DID. Niam stares at them for a few long seconds, then abruptly changes the subject, leading them to their guest quarters.

Penthouse Suite of Pretty People. Everyone gathers in the living room area, and I really hope there's more than one bed because THAT would be awkward...though, an Atlantis!Orgy would be pretty hot. As long as Shep and McKay didn't get within two feet of the other. *twitches* Lizzeh hypothesizes that it must have been a serious grudge for the Ancients to eliminate any mention of the Poor Man's Ancients in their database. Following her line of thinking, Teyla theorizes that the Poor Man's Ancients lied, found the city, and are currently squatting, much in the manner of the expedition and Atlantis. Shep agrees with Teyla because "they don't seem very Ancienty to me." Rodney makes a face. "Ancienty?" he asks, incredulous. Shep gives him another face: "Yes. That's the word I was looking for." Hee. Maybe he should ask Ronon for a better word, seeing how the Angry Puppy is secretly an oratory genius.

Ignoring the boys, the women continue pondering the situation. Not only does Teyla have Wraithy-sense, but TPTB decided that she also must have Ancienty-sense by way of Character Development. So she senses that "they are hiding something," which is pretty obvious since they doing a good job of acting suspicious anyway. (At this point, I'm not going to quibble; I'm just happy she's no longer using fucking contractions.) "Other than their plan to defeat the Wraith, you mean," Lizzeh snarks, coyly, and OMG, she's AWESOME. The women share a knowing eyeroll. Hee! MORE LIZZEH AND TEYLA SCENES! Ronon obviouses that there's no fucking plan, and Lizzeh, who has absolutely no military background, agrees. Sadly, Rodney's still on his Niam Is My BFF high to realize that sometimes bad people lie to good people. Lizzeh stares out at Atlantis: Coruscant, glooming and dooming that they need to find out exactly who the Poor Man's Ancients really are.

High Council of Doom. Later, Lizzeh visits with Oberoth alone, thinking they can "achieve more in a one on one meeting, leader to leader." And for those of you who like writing missing scene tags, I demand one where Lizzeh tells Shep of her plan to accost Oberoth -- alone. Her mission: to establish "diplomatic and trade relations" between their people. Scoffing, Oberoth wonders what the fuck the Atlanteans could possibly trade with them, and I'd have to agree. These people make their own ZPMs, for god's sake. But Lizzeh is adamant that they open a channel of dialogue. While she's at it, she adds that these Ancienty people could offer some assistance against the Wraith. I don't see how Oberoth could possibly turn her down, since she is The Awesome; I mean, have you seen the back of her hair? I love the layering! It looks so soft and inviting, way better than the harsher, shorter cut she had two seasons ago. Oberoth continues to be His High Asshole so Lizzeh shifts gears and requests only a few ZPMs. Hearing this, Oberoth assumes that Team Lizzeh resides in "a settlement of Lantean design." With the Smile of I'm So Busted, Lizzeh decides to be honest and confirms this. Of course, THIS WILL MOST DEFINITELY END BADLY, because had Shep been there, he would have her ixnay on the uth-tray. However, when questioned as to the location of their city, she evades the question with a vague "on the outer edges of this galaxy."

Okay, tangent!: not only is her hair awesome from front and back, so's her makeup. End tangent!

Because Oberoth's not stupid, he's all, "WTF! You're on ATLANTIS, aren't you?! And fuck no, you can't have any ZPMs." So Lizzeh requests they be allowed to use Atlantis: Coruscant as a place of refuge. Oberoth PFFTs that idea, too, basically dissing non-Asurans as insignificant and amusing only in small doses. Lizzeh doesn't even bother defending Rodney's honor. *lalala* Lizzeh: "We've kicked Wraith!Ass with limited supplies and personnel." Oberoth: "RAR, puny woman!" She suffers through his temper tantrum, even as she suppresses the urge to go all Phoebus on him. "And you don't care how many of my people, or anyone else, dies while you make up your mind to act? You said earlier that your brothers' greatest weakness was their arrogance. May I suggest it runs in the family?" PWNAGE! Then she throws her hair and walks out with her head held high. RAWR. Apparently, it's not just bureaucrats Lizzeh eats for breakfasts; she also has a taste for arrogant alien jackasses.

Afterwards, Team Lizzeh decides to pack it up since they know when they're not welcome. Niam is especially sad to see Lizzeh go, and I really wish this guy would stop looking so damn emo all the time. I mean, sure, I'd cry too if Lizzeh ever went away, but STFU already. Niam: "Oberoth can be intractable." In the peanut gallery, Shep: "Not exactly the word I was looking for." Rodney: "Un-Ancienty?" Shep, with the It Starts with an Ass and Ends with a Hole, Buddy glower: "Not that word either." HEE. Ever the optimist, Lizzeh makes it clear that she still thinks they can eventually work things out. That thought is immediately dashed when they're confronted by Oberoth and his minions. Everyone but Lizzeh and Rodney aim their weapons at the baddies. Rodney immediately surrenders. Ha.

Niam appears rather ashamed that Team Lizzeh is surrounded by his people, and Lizzeh is definitely not impressed by this kind of hospitality. Oberoth: "Lower your weapons." A snarktastic Shep, who is of the awesome: "How much lower would you like them." Haha. Oberoth: "RAR." Pooh: "Just drop them. Pants, too!" Sadly, my orders are easily ignored. One of the minions pokes Shep with his weapon, reminding him that they are completely surrounded. Even Lizzeh turns her head slightly, as if giving Shep the Let's Not Die Today nod. Shep: "Huh. Maybe the floor." Heh. Reluctantly, he disarms. Ronon and Teyla unhappily comply with his unspoken order to follow suit. Lizzeh points out that Oberoth didn't even want them there. To which he agrees, but unfortunately for Team Lizzeh, they possess information that Oberoth must have, omg. The camera pans around and the scene ends on a shot of Lizzeh and Shep. Based off that, one can only assume Oberoth would like to mine the Secrets to Awesome Hair and Being Absolutely Drop-dead Gorgeous.

Jailbait. Team Lizzeh is thrown into the brig. How rude! Shep paces across the cell, snarking a "These trade negotiations can be real murder." Ha. *luffs him* The Angry Puppy attempts to stick his hand through the bars, only to be electrocuted. Poor Puppy; it's hard to teach an alien dog new tricks. To deflect the embarrassing moment, he obviouses a "We need to find a way out of here." Lizzeh agrees, and prompts Rodney to do something since the schematic is similar to the cells on Atlantis. Rodney doesn't even budge from his ass groove on the floor. "Are you serious? It's a jail cell." Lizzeh: *eyes* However, Rodney's bone of contention is that the controls to shut off the force field is outside. Before he can finish the thought, the force field shuts down to allow Niam access. He offers them a cart full of food, which appeases Rodney's stomach. As he reaches for the food, Angry Puppy places a stopping hand on his shoulder. Rodney's all, "Aw, dammit. I can't think on an empty stomach. I need to eat. How can I save us all without foooooood?" Ronon thumb-porns him to the back of the line anyway. Hee. Even though the Angry Puppy is Rodney's new BFF/brother, Rodney is still scared of him and reluctantly obeys. Angry Puppy immediately chows down.

Niam informs them that Oberoth doesn't trust them to stay put -- a sentiment of which Shep does not disagree. They also learn that Oberoth plans on speaking to them soon. "That's nice," Shep says, turning to the others. "Isn't that nice?" Ha. Lizzeh even nods with an indulgent smile. Because her boyfriend is so adorable when he's being snarky. Shep demands to know who the fuck these people are, and Lizzeh adds that they know they're not Ancients by the way they're being treated. At this point, Ronon lowers his head into the food, presumably to sniff it for freshness, but as he does so, he glances significantly at Shep, his eyes flicking toward Niam. Shep returns the look. Niam blah blahs that Team Lizzeh gave him no choice but to treat them badly, but it doesn't matter. Angry Puppy spits his mouthful of food at Niam, who's all, "Ew. Grody," and then jumps him. Soon, Shep and Teyla join the fight, decommissioning all the guards and relinquishing them of their weapons. Shep aims his new weapon at a fallen Niam, shrugging a mock apology: "Neither did you."

With Niam as hostage, they run through the city, looking for escape. Shep leads them to the Jumper bay, and it's really too easy how there's NO ONE AROUND TO STOP THEM. Which should be their first hint that this whole thing? Was RIGGED. Shep however, is all about the freedom. Turning to Niam, he says, "You're the one we liked, so don't take this personally." And then Angry Puppy knocks out a bewildered Niam. They leave him on the floor before racing into the first available Jumper. Rodney pauses to tinker with a panel to prevent the Jumper from communicating with Control. Wasting no time, Shep inputs an address into the DHD, and the Jumper lowers into the gateroom using footage from "Sanctuary," modified to add Asuran guards firing at the Jumper as they attempt their escape. Which they do successfully. WHOOSH!

Lantis! It's nighttime, and there's a portentous gloom over the city. Cue: Twilight Zone theme. Zlinky informs Lizzeh and Shep that their new friends are nowhere in sight and perhaps have decided not to chase them. Ever the optimist, Shep believes they may be biding their time before attacking. Lizzeh: "You're so paranoid." Shep: "Yeah, but I'm pretty." Lizzeh: "Yes, you are. Thank god for that." She asks Rodney if he's found anything during his thorough examination of the database, or if there might be more rogue Ancients out there. Shep thinks they should leave well enough alone and not go making any more BFFs with Ancients. He would know -- all his meetings with Ancients have involved some kind of mindfuck, literally. Lizzeh pretends not to stare at his ass as he bounces down the steps. *la*

Dexter's Lab. Which is oddly decorated in a million yards of chintzy curtain. Oh, Rodney. Surely this does nothing to aid your I Am Het and Love Blonde Women campaign you keep pushing. Shep asks for an update but Rodney has no news to impart. The Ancients were rather skimpy on details regarding the Asurans. Before they can moan and groan about them, Lizzeh radios Shep: "Colonel." And dude, if THAT doesn't give you a hint that something is definitely bizarre about these few scenes, then you have not been paying attention for the last 1.5 SEASONS. In any case, she asks the two men to join her in the control room. Because no one ever says 'no' to Lizzeh -- bizarro world or not -- the two rush off to obey.

DOOM! Hive ships are coming! Lots of them! No one knows how the fuck they snuck in without the long range sensors detecting them! The cloak is activated, but Zlinky ohnoes that it's too late; they're right over the city. Shep and Lizzeh tag-team to let the audience know that the Daedalus is still a long way off, but Rodney reminds everyone that the Daedalus? Really SUCKS at fighting Hive ships; Voltron it is NOT. Zlinky ominouses that the Hive ships are scanning the city. Everyone silently ohnoes, and then Lizzeh dooms the city by jinxing a "hopefully, the cloak will--CRAP." DOOM! The city is attacked, omg! Lizzeh's all "fuck the cloak, give me the damn shields!" Of course, this being STARGATE, the shield generators were taken out in the initial blast. D'OH. Shep rars that "they knew right where to hit us," and then, because he's got balls of steel and likes to taunt those who aim to KILL HIM DEAD, he hero-struts out onto the balcony like he don't give a damn and will instead, attempt to kill them all WITH HIS MIND.

All around him, the city is burning. One blast hits close enough to singe his hair -- you know, if his hair were actually governed by laws of nature. He rushes back into the safety of the control room and announces that he's busting his ass to the chair room. Zlinky dooms that fifteen more Hive ships are arriving, and I'm pretty sure they don't have enough drones to cover that. No one else seems concerned. I mean, sure, there's running around by some of the extras, but all the main people aren't even sweating, and this is not how "Siege, Part 2" went, okay? So obviously, something is NOT RIGHT. Shep glooms that there's no way they can fight off that many Wraith. Because it's obviously a Pod!Lizzeh, she doesn't hesitate to order a city-wide evacuation back to Earth. The Lizzeh we know would fight to save the city until it was absolutely positively too late, dammit! She and Shep share an Eyefuck of Impending Doom, where she orders the self-destruct. This being Stargate, however, they "just lost automated systems. We'll lose the gate any second now."

Ever the self-sacrificing hero, Shep commands them to go and volunteers to "detonate it manually." As expected, Lizzeh gives him the OMGNO look of shock. Tired of seeing her boyfriend constantly volunteering for suicide missions, she's optimistic that "maybe the Wraith will take care of destroying the city for us." She eyefucks the back of Shep's head, but it's Rodney who poops all over her hope by reminding everyone that "if they wanted to vaporize the city, they would have done it already." Poor Lizzeh angrily accepts that if they don't destroy the city themselves, the Wraith will inevitably find Earth. "I know," she repeats, in defeat, as Zlinky instructs Shep on how to set the self-destruct, which will give him "only a few seconds left."

As the woeful musical strains of Ode to Self-Sacrificing Hero crescendos over the explosions, Rodney... Actually, no one cares because the Sheppard/McKay slashers will slash what they want, anyway. I, however, am waving my Het!Yay Card, and therefore, must point out the deliciously painful ANGST written across Lizzeh's face. Rodney makes a remark about tossing a coin because "it just doesn't seem right," and I'd have to agree. Killing your very pretty male lead is, no doubt, series suicide. Having accepted his self-imposed fate -- and seriously, this scene is CRAP, because if there's any one person who is NOT EXPENDABLE on this expedition, it's him (shut up, McKay fans, I don't even want to hear it) -- he roars an order for everyone to go already. So they do.

Teyla and Ronon help the injured through the gate, and... Really? Teyla's not whining about the fate of her Dirty People? Does she even care now that Charon is dead? Anyway... For those slashers out there who want to HURT MY SOUL, yes, both Zlinky and Rodney glance back -- possibly AT Shep, although a case could be made FOR Atlantis itself -- before running through the gate. Wow. Poor Shep doesn't even rate a farewell wave, huh? Lizzeh pauses in front of the gate, taking one last slow look around the gateroom because this is her home. Upstairs, Shep skids to a stop at the balcony, and it's kinda hot, even if this is meant to be a Serious Woobie Moment. "We're losing power. Get through the gate," he yells at her. She backs away, watching him until the very end, but then turns around for one last glance before disappearing through the event horizon. Funny how she's the last one through, huh? I'm sure that doesn't mean anything at all. EXCEPT IT TOTALLY DOES. I'd expound on it, but this recap is going long.

Obviously, something rotten is going on in Denmark, because no one puts up a bigger stink over Shep committing suicide like this. For real? He and Lizzeh had an even longer eyefuck and way more angst at the end of "Siege Part 2" and that was BEFORE they were as BFFy as they are now. Not to mention, that was a season finale, and this is merely episode 5. Having seen his girlfriend off to safety, he rushes back to the Laptop of Doom and Gloom and keys in his passcode. He stares at the screen after the self-destruct sequence is set and very firmly taps the key to activate it. Immediately, a countdown is initiated and OMGWTFFOURSECONDS? WTF. DAMMIT, Zlinky, you're supposed to set it so he has enough time to jump off the balcony, land on his feet, and superhero-leap through the damn gate! In Slow Motion of Climactic...Psyyyyyych!, and with sparks backlighting his angst-ridden face, Shep straightens up because dying while slouching would be so unheroic, and closes his eyes, embracing his fate. DAMN HIM. *WIBBLES*

The screen fades to white and...

REPLICATORSOMG! With Shep screaming a pretty unmanly scream, an Evil Hand of Self-Plagiarized Plot Twists slowly detaches itself from Shep's head. (No, not that one.) He collapses to the ground -- again, without the requisite pants!shot that we used to get through season 2 -- and groggily re-orients himself, all, "omgwtfmigraine?" There's a not so Dramatic Reveal of Evil to show Oberoth staring down at him with less than friendly intentions. "What the hell just happened?" Shep asks in his freaked out, frightened little boy voice. Aww, SNUGGLES! Oberoth remains silent, but turns and navigates his way through a minefield of bodies -- namely, the rest of the team sprawled out on the floor of their cell. HA! I KNEW IT! I knew Lizzeh would never just allow Shep to off himself that easily! And hmm... what does it say that in Shep's head, Lizzeh lingered and gave him the longest look? HUH? HUH? YOU CAN'T TELL ME I'M MAKING THIS SHIT UP. Also, wow, Shep needs a boost of self-esteem. He really doesn't think his life is worth anything, does he? Everyone shakily struggles to sit up, as Shep demands to know who the fuck they're dealing with since he stopped reading SG-1 mission reports after season four, having been bored to death of everything Goa'uld. Rodney goes all wide-eyed, explaining a "They're not people. They're emo'ing machines of DOOM -- Replicators." Since we knew that already, we cut right to Shep ending this scene with the squinty-eyed look of We're So Totally Fucked.

Poll

In the Atlantis Asuran control room, Mr. Roboto hits a few of the glowing blocks on the consoles. Back in their cell, Team Lizzeh acts out the Oh Noes, The Floor is Shaking So Something Bad Must Be Happening Right Now pantomime. Off Lizzeh's "zomgflyingcity!" we get a very cool visual of the main city detaching itself from the rest of the city, rising above all of Coruscant. The bubble city then flies away to a commercial break.

Next is a really long scene where Oberoth and Niam duke it out over what to do with their new playthings. Oberoth: "DEATH!" Niam: "But I like the one with the pretty hair." Oberoth: "...er, the woman or the man?" Niam: "I do not slash, omg! I like Lizzeh the bestest." Eh, I don't really care for this scene, mostly because Niam's giant cummerbund keeps distracting me with its wtfness, and anyway, his female minions back him up, and Oberoth gives in just to shut him up. "Fine. Keep your damn toys, but you better remember to put them away when you're done with them." Niam: "YIPPEE!" And then there was much dancing and rejoicing in Erector Set Land. Aside: that evil smirk of deviousness on Niam's face? It makes me worry for Lizzeh. *squicks*

Speaking of Lizzeh...she's got a massive headache. *snugs her* Everyone seems rather glum and morose. "How'd we get back here?" Shep asks, from his position on the floor. Because Teyla's still learning the English language, she's all, "What do you mean 'back here'?" Shep gives her the quickie summary of their escape to Atlantis, conveniently leaving out the part where he TRADED HIS SOUL FOR THEIR LIVES. Teyla makes the You're Fucking Crazy face, and even Lizzeh, who humors him on everything, gives him a measuring stare. Shep emotes the cutest defensive face ever, clarifying an uncertain, "At least I thought we did." Teyla uses her You're Such a Goober coupled with her Damn I'm Constipated voice to tell him he's wrong. Rodney obviouses that they were subjected to different scenarios for psychoanalysis of their responses to varying stimuli. Shep grumps, "I thought our escape was too easy." No kidding. Rodney gripes that at least Shep managed to escape, adding that he was subjected to "torture... in ways too hideous and intimate to recount," while shifting uncomfortably to discretely relieve his wedgie, which can only mean one thing: ANAL PROBE -- one that was NOT attached to a Sheppard, kthx. Ronon makes the I'm Confused face, all "What's an anal probe," because the only probe he's played with was the Rabbit Lizzeh and Kate gave Teyla for Christmas. Rodney refuses to go into details: "I said: too hideous to recount." Which I'm taking as NO SLASHING. Okie? Okay!

Before we get to Lizzeh's nightmare, which we all know would involve losing Shep again, lalala, (gimme fic or stop reading, dammit) she zomgs. Because they're friends and Teyla is very perceptive (so say TPTB when it's convenient to the plot, anyway), she reads Lizzeh's mind, all, "What if THIS is a dream within a dream in a nightmare wrapped within a plot twist inside a dream?" You know, since we didn't see THAT plot on "Home." Nope, not at all. Faced with this disturbing thought, Rodney performs a scientific experiment to test their hypothesis. He walks over to where Shep is seated in the corner, head down, and gives him a forceful poke to the head. Dude. That was pretty rough. Totally not amused, Shep backhands him, annoyed, across his leg, which just happens to be conveniently located beside him. Lizzeh's not thrilled with Rodney's juvenile antics either, giving him a squinty look of wtf, because only she is allowed to touch Shep's hair. (Naked.) Based on empirical data, Rodney concludes: "It doesn't really prove anything." Ha.

Party pooper Niam arrives to assure them that this reality pretty much sucks as much they all think it does, but assures them that their "minds are no longer being probed." Once again, Shep reiterates his STRAIGHTNESS by snarking an "It's good to know it's just our minds." Rodney proudly waves HIS Het Flag with a disgusted: "Oh, please, don't make me sick." Word.

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Team Lizzeh follows Niam onto the Balcony of Love, dressed up to look like some other balcony. All around them is the void of space. Lizzeh omgs at this, and Rodney orgasms over the use of the star drive, all, "It's not just theoretical, woohoo!" Then everyone watches as the Bubble City of Doom flushes itself down a hyperspace window.

In the electrified blue of hyperspace, everyone ooohs and aaaahs, except Teyla, who demands to know where they're going. Niam: "...Atlantis." Lizzeh: "Buh-wha?" Niam blah blah blahs mind probe whatevers and summarizes all of two seasons of SGA into one 30-second monologue. He's so succinct and obviously evil -- though he pretends not to be -- that Ronon's dreads do a weird sticky-up thing that's, well, quite frankly, worrisome. And we thought Shep's hair had a mind of its own. While Lizzeh eyefucks Niam, Shep's all, "We don't need drop off service. Just send us through the damn gate." The plan to destroy Atlantis is revealed, and Shep makes the "oh, so not just being nice" look. Hearing this, Lizzeh gets pissy on Niam's ass for being a baby over some stupid thousands years old grudge. Niam's all, "Haha, we lied. We were BETRAYED and, therefore, Atlantis MUST BE DESTROYED!"

The one thing Fandom did get right about Lizzeh off-world -- the inevitability of her being physically or mentally whumped -- results in Lizzeh's introduction to a precarious situation where Niam offers to show her the history of his people in IMAX-vision, which unfortunately involves touching and icky, cootie stuff like that. Sadly, Shep is still under the silly impression that they need to hide their relationship from the rest of the team, so he lets Rodney caution her about the dangers of the Bad Touch. She assures Rodney that she'll be fine. This makes Rodney unhappy, causing him to turn to Shep -- because HE'S THE ONLY SHE EVER REALLY LISTENS TO -- all, "Uh, I tried my best. You wanna jump in here and save your girlfriend yourself?" Anyway, it's too late because Lizzeh joins hands with Niam.

3-D Technicolor Dreamavision! They solidify in an Atlantean laboratory, where Niam does the tour guide monotone of how the Ancients decided to fuck with their technological superiority to fight the Wraith. A lot of talking later, Lizzeh: "Omg, NANITES." Remember "Hot Zone"? YEAH. Bastard Ancients. EVIL Bastard Ancients. Dun dun DUN!

Artsy scene change! With mood lighting! More blah blah blah later, Lizzeh: "OMG, Evil Testosterone-filled NANITES."

Scene change! Conference room of arrogance. Even MORE blah blah blah later, Lizzeh: "OMG, NANITE-BUILT REPLICATORS!" This is no Buffy-bot, yo. If baby's first replicator looked like Oberoth, I'm pretty sure you would have thought "hmm... maybe this is NOT WORKING." Niam explains that the replicators themselves wanted to remove the aggression coding from their software, but those Ancient buttmunches wanted to build a Bot Army of Awesome, not a Bot Army of Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice. Being the smart Ancients they were, they also included a directive that precluded the Autonano-bots from harming their creators. After the Ancients discovered "d'oh, WE FAILED," they decided to cover up their mistakes with a scene from Terminator 2: mass elimination, omg. At this, Lizzeh glances down between them to see Niam clutching her hand. She returns his gaze, unflinchingly, although we all know she's all ewwwww. Because I am. Niam ignores it and tries to undress her with his eyes. Show and tell finally over, Lizzeh removes her hand from his grasp, and they white-out to commercial.

Back in their guest quarters, there is NO FEMSLASH. Because frankly, sometimes it doesn't even seem like there are WOMEN on the SG shows -- other than McKay, that is. Lizzeh's got a bitchin' migraine so Teyla offers her a towel and takes over the MamaBear role while she's incapacitated. Teyla/Elizabeth friendship! WHEE! I DEMAND MORE! Sitting on the next bed, Shep watches Lizzeh and understates that "obviously, the Ancients didn't do a thorough enough job wiping them all out." Based on what we know of Replicators in any galaxy, all it takes are a few survivors to begin replicating again. Because her Athosian to English dictionary skimps on all the SAT words, Teyla's all, "Replicating? What is that?" The boys summarize SG-1's reports on Replicator history in the span of like four sentences. See what ten years of series gets you? A footnote.

Anyway, Lizzeh explains to Teyla that these Replicators are less emo and SCARIER because "they're emulating the Ancients. Kind of like Replicator Fangirls, stalking the Ancients, by building themselves their own version of Atlantis." Poor Teyla isn't quite as cynical as everyone else, wishing to believe the best of everyone and wonders why the hell they would do that, but it's obvious she's never been to a SGA convention. OR psycho-fangirled over Joe Flanigan. Lizzeh: "Because they're insane in the membrane? Who cares. Blah blah blah Freud!" This only confuses Teyla more because she knows nothing about psychoanalysis or cigars being cigars, so she makes the I Do Not Understand Because I'm A Stupid Alien look of confusion. Shep smug-snarks a "Just what we need: more bad guys." Ahahaha. Rodney's all, "Great. We just identified the race that created the nanovirus that almost killed me a while ago." Shep corrects him: "They almost killed a lot of people. In fact, not almost, it did." Luckily for everyone, Teyla's been paying attention to the last two seasons of SGA, eagerly sharing her newfound knowledge of cliché-ridden scifi shows: "I know! EMPs!" The short answer translation to Rodney's reply: "Er...no." Before he can continue his verbal thesis on why EMPs wouldn't work in this case, they are joined by one of Niam's minions. There's a cursory question regarding Lizzeh's health, and then she requests Team Lizzeh follow her to who the hell cares.

Conference Room: Déjà Vu. Shep and Lizzeh enter together. I don't even have to remark on that because you should all be able to fill in the blanks by now. Awaiting their arrival is Niam and his other minion chick. His minions flank him as the rest of Team Lizzeh enter and flank Shep and Lizzeh. Niam puts an offer on the table that will save Atlantis, so Lizzeh is willing to listen. Niam: "Blah blah blah we are of the awesome, BUT--" Lizzeh: "You want to ascend." Niam: "Duh." As Niam explains the divide amongst the Autobots and the Decepticons, Shep eyes him warily, because having been offered the opportunity to ascend about a few hundred times by now, he doesn't see what the big fuss is about. There's a lot of back and forth on the reasoning behind why these Autobots want to ascend, but it really doesn't matter. Shep questions the ability of machinery to become glowy-mist, but one minion calmly explains the Metaphor That Is Life. Boggled by the longwinded explanation that he really didn't want to hear in the first place, Shep defensively clarifies that "I didn't say I could ascend." No, but he's been offered it plenty of times.

Rodney points out that their knowledge of ascension is pretty much nil so they're on their own. However, Niam believes that the violent nature written into their behavioral code is the major obstacle towards nirvana. Shep: "You looking for therapy?" HEE. Niam: "No, dammit. This is serious. We want you to rewrite our base code to remove the directives for our aggression and make us into mewling kitties." Alas, those Ancient jerks inserted a code to prevent the Nanobots from reprogramming themselves. In other words, this is just a convenient excuse to give Rodney something else to bitch and moan about, but ultimately preen over, as the mind probe confirmed that Rodney is a genius. As if the man needed that kind of validation, pfft. The terms of negotiation: Rodney's brain for Atlantis. Lizzeh is skeptical that Oberoth will agree, but Niam is almost certain that His Holy Asshole's attitude is a result of the Ancients' shitty ethical code. With a reprogramming, it's possible to give him some social skills.

Team Lizzeh is hesitant, obviously, as there are RULES against trusting a Replicator in any form, as we've learned in 9 years of SG-1. Niam, however, pulls the Quid Pro Quo trust issue, and anyway, it's a moot debate since TPTB have decreed it so. Niam appeals to Lizzeh's compassion, of which he discovered while probing her (and not in that way, sickos), and even attempts the Replicator version of the Puppy Dog Eyes of Woobie. Shep looks over at Lizzeh, making sure she's not falling for this shit; only he gets to make any kind of eyes at her, and offers a nugget of wisdom: "It comes right down to it. We don't have much of a choice. Thanks, bastard TPTB." But he punctuates it with another one of those adorable Double Footed Bounces that he does so cutely and EEEEE, WHATEVER HE WANTS TO DO I'M OKAY WITH IT. Off his words, there's a CGI shot of the Big Bubble City tumbling toward The Doom of Atlantis and Possible Series End.

Bizarro Control Room. Minion #1 informs Team Lizzeh that they're dropping out of hyperspace and will soon arrive at Atlantis. Why no one even blinks at their presence in the room boggles me. Anyway, logic has no place here...or EVER. Also, shouldn't these Nanobots be networked to each other? A collective mind? Because that would be way cooler, sort of like the AIs in S:AaB. Or, you know, THE BORG. Hearing this, Shep makes the This Is Not What We Planned grimace and covertly activates his earpiece, all "How's it coming, Rodney?" in his non-whisper. Rodney: "Slowly." Shep: "What's the hold up? There's ten minutes left in this episode, and we still need to show the big Plot Twist of Unanticipated Expectedness at the end."

Somewhere in an Asuran computer lab, Niam watches as Rodney completely takes advantage of the Concept of Time As It Applies To TV Shows(aka It Doesn't Exist At All) and spends 20 minutes bitching at Shep. Rodney: "Do you even know what I'm doing here? This is really hard shit, yo. Only a genius like me can understand it, and even I'm having trouble grasping all of it." Shep's all, "Eh. Niam gave you the access to the program code, and you're screwing around with it." HA. And Shep doesn't think he knows computers. Pfft. There's typical McKay indignation where he scoffs an annoyed, "Oh, that is so--" before finally processing what Shep has said, and then submits with a humbled "...relatively accurate." Hee. Shep gives a Head Nod of Oh Yeah, I'm The Man: "Thank you." Hee again. Using lingo Shep would understand, Rodney: "We're not dealing with Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. There's a lot of Watson and Crick high school biology shit here that no one really needs to understand other than yes, it really IS sort of like rocket science." Shep takes this all with a grain of salt and does the Head Shake of Eh, I'm Cute So I'm Allowed to Oversimplify Everything: "So...what? Five minutes?" Before Rodney can do some more bitching, he "ooh"s and abruptly closes the connection, which of course, leaves Shep with a taste of his own medicine.

Guest Quarters of Orgy (Or Would Be If SGA Were Shown on Skinemax). Team Lizzeh tackles Rodney as soon as he rejoins them. Team Lizzeh: "Zomg?" Rodney: "Blah blah blah WHEE!" Team Lizzeh: "ZomgYAY!" While Niam is getting the new code uploaded into his Evil Nanite Brain of Doom, Rodney discovered that much like the Borg, the Nanobots share a hive mind and their network sends out regular patch updates to synch their internal databases. Lizzeh smartly omgs that this is how Niam planned on spreading the new fluffy personality code to the rest of the Nanobots. Rodney also slyly added a Time Freeze Glitch into the code that should paralyze them temporarily -- because THAT worked so well for SG-1. Shep, skeptical: "'Should'?" Rodney hand-porning emphatically: "Okay, will. Like a pause button -- temporarily, until they figure out how to override it." Because he's a smarter cookie than I ever give him credit for being, Ronon asks the important question: "How long?" Rodney: "Er, no clue? But I qualified my genius with 'momentarily'!" That's not good enough for Shep: "Days, hours, minutes?" Rodney, frustrated and just a tad whiny: "It's minutes, but I don't know. That's what I was saying to him." Shep: "Ten? Twenty?" Hee. This kind of reminding me of my thesis defense Q&A session -- complete with the "omg, I just may cry" mental flailing of frustration. Rodney, exasperated: "Fine. You want a number? Seven. Seven minutes and thirty-one seconds. You happy?" Of course not, but then, I've proven to be quite fickle about McKay and his genius. Off to the side, Lizzeh closes her eyes to suppress the urge to bitchsmack the both of them, and the women share a very "Stupid BOYS!" look. Shep and Rodney brat it out over how he only pulled the number out of his ass to please Shep, who'd really like a bigger number -- and if anyone calls me on using Rodney, Shep, 'ass' and 'bigger' in a sentence, I will HUNT YOU DOWN AND HURT YOU.

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Finally having enough of the childish bickering, Lizzeh "Gentlemen, FOCUS, please"s them while Teyla backs her up with an annoyed SisterBear-ish eyeroll. The boys immediately fall in line. Off Lizzeh's question as to whether they can escape in such a short amount of time, Shep firmly states that they have no choice, and I'm pretty sure by the end of their escape, more than one person is going to wish they were more serious about their daily exercise regimen. Ronon reminds them that they need to blow up the Bubble City of Nanites, and when Lizzeh asks how they'll do that since HIS episode sucked the SFX budget dry, everyone looks to Rodney for help, who snarks an "Oh, that would be me. Right. Surprise, surprise. Look, why don't I go on these missions by myself?" Heh. You all know how I feel about that suggestion, but sadly, Team Lizzeh would never allow me the satisfaction.

Suddenly, there's a flurry of finger-snapping-porn, where Rodney declares the best way to accomplish this episode's Kaboom is to rig a ZPM overload. He skips off while Shep hand-mimes the Dealing With Rodney Is So Fucking Exhausting hand scrub over his face. And it's just as adorable as it sounds. Yum. Sadly, Teyla decides to poop on everyone's parade by asking about Niam's fate. "Are we not exploiting his trust?" she wonders, not at all happy with the Earthlings, but since it's shocking enough that she even knows the word 'exploiting,' no one really cares. Shep's all, "He probably couldn't stop the Decepticons anyway." But Lizzeh, ever the compassionate MamaBear, plans to offer Niam safe passage to Atlantis for being an awesome traitor to his fellow Nanobots, but no matter what happens, Lizzeh will not allow the Bubble City of Doom to stay intact. For that way leads to an actual mytharc and plot sequel later in the season, and dammit, they already have more than enough enemies to deal with. The scene ends with Lizzeh and Shep eyefucking in agreement, and it's all intense and hot and yummy.

Later. In the guest suite, Rodney punches a few buttons on his Gameboy of Death and Destruction. Shep peers over his shoulder, asking "Are you sure this will work?" Annoyed, Rodney: "Please. Of course." Shep: "Why is it taking so long?" in the Pegasus Version of the Are We There Yet game. Rodney starts the whine of Why Are You So Annoying but decides to explain how he's configuring his Super Awesome Computer Glitch of Paralysis to incorporate all the Nanobots. Shep: "All would be good." Rodney: *glares* Shep: *cutes* Rodney: *works* Shep: *annoys some more* Finally, Rodney: "Eureka." Five seconds later, they play a game of Rodney Says with the Repliancients in the city. Rodney: "Freeze!" And they do.

Team Lizzeh peeks out into the hallway to see the fruits of their scheme. They arm themselves and prepare to overload the ZPM for maximum kablooey. At this moment, Niam wanders through, his code unaffected due to its reprogramming. Before they can explain, the Bubble City of Doom drops out of hyperspace. Ronon lights a fire under everyone's asses because seven minute of brainfreeze or not, they don't have much time left to execute their escape. Lizzeh smiles to a bewildered Niam, all, "Come with us." And hearing only "come with me," Niam happies and follows her. Which, you know, makes sense since not only do all human and alien males fall for Lizzeh, SO DO MACHINES.

In the ZPM room, Angry Puppy foregoes the chair kicking to unceremoniously tip a frozen Decepticon away from the console so Rodney can get to work on the ZPM. Everyone pretends to look busy -- and Shep does a very good job of it, too -- while Niam and Lizzeh have The Talk. Niam whines that he had already given his word to try to change Megatron's mind, but Lizzeh reminds him that she'd prefer a guarantee instead. For some strange reason, there's a shot of ONLY Shep watching Lizzeh bargain with Niam, which really isn't so strange or surprising when you realize that HE LOVES HER. (Shut up.) Rodney interjects that Niam will still be connected to the Nanobot Network to spread the new patches regardless of where he's physically located. Lizzeh seduces him with her Flirty Voice of Sex, telling him to "Come with us, Niam. Ascension is within your grasp." Oh, Evil Woman, if you weren't so damn gorgeous and awesome, that would be so incredibly wrong and evil of you. But I likes it, so whatever. Rawrrrr. "You can't turn back," she cautions, and you can see his resolve breaking because he sure does love Lizzeh. He makes the Woobie Face for a little while longer, but all the emoing is interrupted by Rodney uttering a loud "DAMN" when he realizes that they won't be able to take a ZPM since all three are needed for the Big Kaboom. Shep: "Whatever. Just hurry. We only have three minutes." Rodney: "Omg, I told you-- nevermind." He finger-snaps at Niam to remove the failsafes, and Niam breaks the You Will Obey My Command eyefuck that Lizzeh has on him. That completed, they're off once more.

After recovering their gear, Team Lizzeh race through the corridors, stopping abruptly when they run into the frozen forms of the Decepticons. Team Lizzeh has a mild heart attack, and because he has absolutely NO SENSE WHATSOEVER, Rodney mocks a "HA! Not so arrogant now, are you?" And then because he spent so much time holed up in a lab working on his multi-Ph.Ds and not enough time watching TEEVEE, he steps much too close to the frozen Megatron and... BOOO! In a totally unexpected move -- EXCEPT IT TOTALLY WAS -- Oberoth's hand shoots out to choke Rodney. Seeing his BFF attacked sends the Angry Puppy flying into Oberoth -- and then, sadly, face-flying into the floor, courtesy of Oberoth. Teyla and Shep respond by opening fire on the Decepticons, which has no effect on them. Armed with Belle, however, Ronon stuns them all into submission. Given a momentary reprieve, Team Lizzeh flees through the city, with Shep bitching: "So much for seven and a half minutes." Rodney gripes back: "Hey, it was an arbitrary number!"

They run into an adjoining room, where Shep pauses to blow the hell out of the door sensors. While he has his back turned, a random Decepticon enters through the opposite door. He rushes over to address this situation, but Teyla eyes the jammed door and... "Colonel Sheppard!" Shep and Lizzeh turn as one -- What? There were other people in the room? Pfft. Rodney face-acts horror as Oberoth T-1000-morphs through the door and into the room. Rodney: "Hey, I thought only Sumner could do that!" Ronon: "Fuck that. *zaps everyone*" Shep: "GO!" So they all do, as the Decepticons fake-spasm Seizures of Overacting.

Outside, the Bubble City of Doom continues hurling itself toward Atlantis, like a Discus Gone Wild.

Inside, Team Lizzeh runs down another totally random corridor, or rather, the same corridor just filmed from another angle. Shep: "Angry Puppy, set Belle to Fuck Being Friends." Ronon: "Fucking A!" Shep orders Rodney to overload the ZPM, at which Rodney balks because being the over-thinker that he is, he wanted to be certain the Decepticons wouldn't have time to disarm it. Rodney, stammering: "As soon as I trigger the overload, there'll be practically zero lag time before it blows." Shep, scrunchy-faces: "Practically?" Rodney: "Are we seriously going to do this again?" Shep, rars: "How many seconds?" Rodney: "I don't know." Shep, pissy: "Five? Ten?" Rodney, pissy back: "No, seriously, I'm going to HURT YOU." Ronon: "Uhh... four minutes until the episode ends. We should maybe... move." Shep makes an executive decision: "Fucking TPTB and episode time limits! Start the overload NOW." So Rodney does, as Lizzeh, Niam, and Teyla form a hand-holding chain of three and skip past him after Shep. The alarms start blaring as the team heads to the Jumper Bay. Shep and Ronon stop long enough to play a quick game of Tag. And then they're all off running once more.

Arriving at the Jumper Bay, they steal a Jumper and fly to safety just as the Bubble City explodes. Down in Atlantis, a Military Redshirt makes Huh faces at the exploding supernova in the sky, all, "Er... okay, that's not unusual at all." Pooh: "Stupid Redshirts. That was your DOOM just there."

Jumper of Anti-climactic Plot Twists. Lizzeh praises her team, all, "Nice work. All of you." Awww. She turns to Niam, who gives her a bashful look, because he's crushing on her SO HARD, OMG. She thanks him, but notices that his head is suddenly doing a weird robotic twitching of impending evil. He's all, "Something is happening." Teyla gives him a look, all, "Oh, that? Don't worry, that's just your Nanobot Rod of Love. All men react to Lizzeh that way." Niam's all, "No... it's brainwaves of evil from my planet, omg. I'M BEING RESET! They're taking away my feeeeeeeeelings." Shep makes a face of ohnoes as Lizzeh commands Rodney to FIX IT. So Rodney spends half an hour reaching into his vest to pull out the Gameboy Controller. But it's TOO LATE. Niam gives Lizzeh one of those looks -- and I give her credit for not kneeing him in the nano-groin -- before reaching out with both hands, attempting to strangle her in a misguided attempt at erotic asphyxiation.

Ronon jumps up, trying to save her, as Rodney stands around, popping his eyes in horror. Teyla helps Ronon, but Niam refuses to let go. Seeing his girlfriend gasping for air and near death, Shep pops out of his seat with a manly roar. He half-tackles Niam, sending the Nanobot flying into the rear compartment. *fans self* That was HOT and SEXY and AWESOME. Also? That move is actually described in Chapter 3: You Only Think You're Being Secretive About Your Love For Your Boss in my Shipper's Guide to TeeVee. He manages to single-handedly do what the Dynamic Duo of Conan and Xena could not, so yeah... I'd like to see someone try to wank that into Sheppard/McKay anal sex. Hrmph. Shep triggers the latch to close the bulkhead, while Rodney reminds everyone of Oberoth's T-1000 impersonation, Shep's all, "Zomg! I know!" And he jumps over hurdles, obstacles, and Ronon to hit the button to blow open the rear compartment. Niam: "Oh, shit." Door: *KABOOM* Then Niam gets sucked into the cold of space. Oops.

Angry Puppy continues covering the door, just in case Niam decides to retrofit himself with some nanite rocket boosters and fly back into the Jumper. Teyla helps Lizzeh into one of the chairs, and Rodney babbles his apologies for being TOO FUCKING SLOW. Also, he has to make amends or Shep will kick his ass later. Ronon's all angry-puppied out, not to mention a bit wary of all the emoing going on. Shep remains in the pilot seat, but he turns to look at Lizzeh, voice lowering to THAT TONE that he ONLY USES FOR LIZZEH and deja vus a very "The Eye"-like "You okay?" *SWOONS* She tries to smile reassuringly, but it falls flat, and replies with a half-heared "Yeah" while not meeting his eyes. Because there are other people around and they can't say all the things they want to say, omg! Shep just gives her a haunted, lingering look -- you know, the one where he lets her know that he wants nothing more than to HEAL HER WITH ROUGH, LIFE-AFFIRMING, "YOU'RE ALIVE" SEX. Right. Now.

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Instead of smut, however, the scene changes to the control room, where Radek and Rodney fiddle around on their Dell laptops. *wanks that as a shout-out and pets own Harold the Lappy* Shep joins them and learns that there are no references to the Asurans in the Ancient database, most likely due to a mass deletion. Shep: "Just like the Ancients to sweep their failures under the rug, and then set it on fire." Rodney: "Again. There's nothing more annoying than people who won't admit their own mistakes." Radek: "..." Shep: "...er... oh, look, I see Lizzeh on our balcony! Bye!"

Balcony of Squee. Lizzeh stares pensively at the night sky. Shep settles in beside her -- though not too close, in an attempt to inject some distance due to the feelings evoked during their Nanobot-induced personal mindfucks, where they both individually realized they're much too intimate and personal than TPTB would ever willingly allow them to be on the show -- and tells her that the two geeks are "scouring the database for any information. So far, not much. As in -- nothing." It would be remiss of me not to point out that he's using his For Lizzeh Only voice -- you know, that quiet, bedroom sex voice that goes all low and makes all the fangirls tingle in their girlie bits. Then Lizzeh uses her For John Only voice of vulnerability, as she contemplates the idea of the Nanobots building themselves another Atlantis-wannabe. From this angle, with this lighting, and with the light breeze blowing through her hair, Lizzeh is quite sex-able. But that's pretty much par for course. RAWRRRR. LICK. Shep stares out into space, too, but leans toward her and in his even lower, raspier voice: "Now they know all about us." Well, I hate to be the one to break it to Shep, but EVERYONE watching this show already KNOWS about the Shep/Weir. They're not that secretive, you know. Lizzeh brings us back on-topic with an attempt at optimism: "Well, we beat them this time. Maybe we scared them off." Hee. He gives her a "hey, isn't that my line?" look but hesitantly agrees. After all, he knows what bastards those PTB are like. With the two sharing their balcony in companionable silence (*SQUEE*), the scene fades out...

... into space, where Niam continues to float aimlessly. He looks creepy and skeevy, but that's really just the look of fierce concentration as he attempts to re-sculpt the nanites in his body to grow himself a Rocketeer!Jet-pack to fly himself to Atlantis, where he can win back his love, Lizzeh. Or, you know, whatever.

The end.

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