3x02: Misbegotten (1/2)
I think I made up some time with this recap. Just barely over a week, yay! The next one, with all its cute John and hot Elizabeth moments may break my brain. Once again, enjoy, and direct all complaints to...um...mylittleredgirl. Yes. *blinks innocently*
SGA 3x02: Misbegotten
Previously: To save time, I offer this.
The bowels of the SGC. Lizzeh arrives in the control room for Teyla's scheduled check-in from Atlantis. Teyla has no news to offer about the Mission of Doom (see: last episode), and Lizzeh's understated angsting makes her hotter than hot. According to the long range sensors on Atlantis, Teyla confirms that there's a Hive ship headed straight to Atlantis at Warp 7. Um, I'm confused. Exactly how much time has passed between the last episode and now? Not that I expect a reasonable or logical answer since I don't think TPTB have a complete grasp on the concept of time anyway. Because Lizzeh is the only one giving orders that anyone bothers to follow, she instructs Teyla to activate the cloak. So Teyla and Chuck eyefuck over both her heaving bosoms and the control consoles. Yeah, you know you saw it, too. Don't even lie. Cue Cloaking SFX of Awesome. I'll admit, as much as they get wrong with their cheesy physical props, they hardly ever mess up the CGI. Of course, I'm using "hardly ever" very loosely.
Lizzeh asks for updates on their defenses. Atlantis is ready to go, according to Teyla, and their first and only line of defense (other than those rail guns from Siege, Part 3) is one Carson Beckett. Ha. He must be wetting his pants right about now. Knowing this, Lizzeh is patched directly into the Chair Room so she can give him the obligatory pep talk. In other words, she's going to use her cuteness to cajole him into thinking he's the bestest ever for helping them out. Or something totally not that, because I'm already screwing around from boredom. In all honesty, I'm just biding time until we get to the John/Lizzeh reunion. Lizzeh: "You okay?" Carson, with a Mental Flail of Woe: "Don't let my greenish pallor fool you, Elizabeth. I'm peachy keen." Lizzeh: "You'll be fine. You've used the chair before, remember?" Carson: "Yeah. I also almost killed the two male leads of both SG shows. That's not something I want on my resume." Lizzeh: "Oh, well, you'll still have to do." Carson tries to whine his way out of his new assignment, pointing out the Cloak of Awesome should be enough to trick the stupid ass Wraith. Unfortunately, this Hive ship is moving way faster than any they've encountered, which means they might be in possession of supa secret intel on Atlantis. OR, you know, it could be that one Hive from the last episode. Both Lizzeh and Carson emote the Look of Woobie -- Lizzeh because she can't even go down with her ship, er, city if it all goes to hell (which it usually does), and Carson just because he's sitting in that damn chair.
Suddenly, a hyperspace window! The aforementioned Hive zooms out, headed straight for the city. Chuck informs Teyla in his Voice of Yum that they've got incoming. So Teyla tells Beckett to get ready. Poor man looks like he's ready to blow chunks. Stuck at the SGC, Lizzeh wibbles helplessly. I may just pause right here and make imaginary love to my TV girlfriend, if you don't mind. Anyway, there's the inevitable 30-second Pause of Suspense (with accompanying Dramatic Melody of Possible Doom) before a familiar voice comes over the comm. "This is Sheppard. Come in." Yay! It's nice to know the Hotties did indeed survive the time warp between "No Man's Land" and "Misbegotten," but this plot device is getting freaking old. Teyla, who is hardly ever rewarded with a reaction shot when something dramatic happens with John, is all, "ZOMG, you're ALIVE!" (Any Chuck/Teyla shippers out there? Because she totally tries to catch Chuck's eyes before she even bothers to squee over Shep's aliveness.)
Teyla seems pretty happy to hear from him, but who wouldn't? Have you SEEN the man? He's fucking hot, yo. Over Teyla's screenshot comes Lizzeh's gleeful but stunned: "He made it?" Her relief is palpable and there's laughter in her voice, because she looooooooooves him. La la la. La la la. Then there's Beckett and his adorable dimple smiling happily, too, but I'm going to zip right past this moment because my Shep Het Card forbids me to dwell in the Land of Slashy. Shep's all, "Blah blah blah starving and need sleep, but yeah, we made it." Hee. The Shep/Weir shipper in me wants to note that he acknowledges Lizzeh by answering only her question and, like most episodes, ignores Teyla. (*LAS* You love me. Shut up.) Lizzeh does THE CUTEST THING EVER that involves a close-eyed sigh of relief, face touching, hand clasping, and this GORGEOUS SMILE OF HAPPINESS that proves exactly how much she is affected by the knowledge that Shep is alive. For serious. This woman doesn't even realize just how big a role he plays in her life. If they were physically in the same room right now, I suspect we would have been rewarded with another hug. Then Shep himself happies about being back. Awww.
Hive ship. We see Michael at the controls and McKay messing around at a console. Shep continues, all proud of himself: "Now would not be a good time to shoot. After all, you don't want to damage your new Hive ship." Excuse me while I go off on a tangent and say that the "you" is directed at Lizzeh since Shep has no clue that she's back on Earth. Also, like that one kitty that keeps bringing home dead birds in a show of affection for its owners, you just know that Shep gets off on bringing back weird (and mostly ugly) objects acquired while on missions for Lizzeh. This Hive ship? Just a massive, fugly gift. Hee. He's so pleased with this new present that he bounces on his heels and does that Lip Pursing of Yum we all love so much. Rawrrr.
Credits!
While the Hive hovers in orbit, the tiny NotSoDead-alus slingshots out from underneath and heads back to the city. Beckett immediately arrives on-board, and during his pedeconference with Shep through the organic corridors of their new ship, Shep apologizes for scaring the crap out of him and forcing him to sit in the chair. Beckett: "I almost killed you again, omg." Shep: "Eh. TPTB would never let you get away with it." He informs Beckett that his Voodoo Elf-ifying gas worked like a charm, and that perks Beckett right up. Beckett: "How many are there?" Shep: "Just a few." Beckett: "Define 'few.'" They pause mid-pedeconference so Shep can show Beckett one of those plastic, backlit cells with one de-Wraithified face pressed up against the wall, in what could be described as your stereotypical Pose of Horror. Seriously, if you were suffering from amnesia, would you let someone stick you in one of those? Fuck no. The rest of the room is filled with another jigabillion of those cells, similar to that one scene in "Rising, Part 2." Beckett: "A few, huh?" Shep: "Or maybe closer to 200." Beckett: "Are you fucking kidding me? I thought you were a math genius. Two hundred is not a few." Shep: "So I underestimated. Be happy. One of these ships could hold a thousand." Hearing this, Beckett gulps and face-acts the Shit, My Stomach Just Dropped to My Bowels look of panic.
Stock Footage: Cheyenne Complex. Woolsey and Lizzeh have coffee in her makeshift office. He's all, "Blah blah blah moral complexities something something IOA has no opinions." Lizzeh only gives him a knowing look, followed by what could be misconstrued as a flirty smile -- seriously, can this woman do anything that doesn't come off as flirty and sexy? -- followed by the cutest shrug. She's so adorable, OMG. The mocking of lame acronyms carries over into her response: "Of course TPTB have no real opinions. Talk about giving those crazies on LJ more to wank over." Woolsey points out that the IOA couldn't care less about all the Wraith!Elfs since they're still sulking over the way Lizzeh treated them in the last episode. Lizzeh reminds him that Mikey had pinky-swore that he hadn't passed on any info about Earth to anyone else, and we all know how trustworthy he is. Ha! Who cares about Mikey or the IOA? Lizzeh just lights up the damn room in this scene. How does this woman get more beautiful every season? Woolsey: "I'd reconsider using this Wraith as your expert witness for the defense." Lizzeh leans forward, folding her arms in front of her on the desk and gets coy and seductive with her voice again, all, "I didn't know I was on trial." And OMG, STOP FLIRTING WITH HIM! But hey, at least Shep's not the only one guilty of using his charisma to get whatever he wants; Lizzeh's just as bad.
Poll
There's some talk about how the IOA is miffed at Lizzeh for bringing the Wraith so close to their doorstep. Woolsey: "The Wraith were only supposed to kill off the expedition, omg." Lizzeh does this beautiful headshake, and god, I just want to reach out and play with her hair. She reminds him that it was the IOA who didn't want a military expedition, which is why she got the call. Woolsey intones, without any hint of humor: "Nothing renews your appreciation for the military like the threat of invasion from life-sucking aliens." Word. Add to that: "And finding out they're stocking their ranks with guys who look like Shep, Lorne, and Skinner. RAWRR." I mean, who didn't appreciate the FBI more after seeing Mulder? Pfft. Hey, wait a second, WHERE THE HELL IS LORNE?
Close-up: Atlantis, with appropriate romantic lighting. Teyla enters Mikey's room, and her boobs greet him. Because he's staring out the window at the awesome nighttime cityscape, the welcoming committee can't be fully appreciated by him. He finally turns around. They eyefuck. Man, these two don't lose any time at all. They're worse than Shep and Weir. Heh. He hisses about being placed under guard even though he saved Shep's life. Teyla's all, "You've betrayed us before," but what she really means is, "Dude, remember when you WRAITHNAPPED me even though we TRUSTED you? Yeah, fuck that, it's never happening again." Except without the contractions. He's all, "Blah blah blah after everything I've done, here I am again… I can't say I'm surprised." And he shouldn't be since we all know TPTB never met a cheesy plot gimmick they didn't love. Teyla's chest and belly button heave once more, and you have to wonder exactly why she seems so out of breath. Oh, sexual tension; how blatant you are. The whole thing is wasted on Michael, who'd rather bitch and moan than lick Teyla up and down, like he would have back in "Michael," if he hadn't been such a whiny, 'omg, I wanna know all about myself because nothing makes sense' bitch back then. Mikey: "Boo hoo for me. Why did I ever think I'd be welcome?" Teyla, eye rolling: "What the fuck are you bellyaching about?" What he's talking about is being viewed by the rest of the Wraith as Wraith Poopy and not being allowed to join in their Wraithy games. Oh, Mikey; this Rudolph the Reindeer complex is so not endearing. He's all, "I may appear as a Wraith again on the outside, but as far as they're concerned, I'm…" Hungry? Ugly? Boring? A lame-ass excuse to bring back a popular sci-fi actor to make the fangirls/boys drool and thereby marking himself as ratings bait for a show in need of a ratings boost? Anyway, he's so upset by the possibilities, he can't even finish his own sentence.
To forestall him from a crying jag, another distracting round of Heaving Bosoms of Awesome is employed for his benefit. It also pretty much answers Teyla's own question asking him what he wants. Um...those? I know I wish I had a set like them. Just saying. Mikey: "You don't want me. The Wraith don't want me. So I am forced to choose myself. I pick ME." He takes a step toward her, but she backs away immediately as her backups rudely point weapons at poor (EVIL) Mikey. He does this unsurprised, half-chuckle at seeing this, looking all, "But we had chemistry! And now you don't even want to touch me because I'm ugly and fat and omg, it's because of my gross, green skin, isn't it?!" Teyla: *eyes* Mikey: "Okay, nevermind. Just give me some supplies and oh yeah, one of those really cool Ancient ships if you've got an extra one just lying around. Or maybe even the keys to the Daedalus if you're not using it tonight. I promise to gas up." Finally wise to his machinations, Teyla in her authoritative, don't fuck with me voice: "Yeah, that ain't happening, bitch." Michael drama-queens a "Then kill me NOW!" Sheesh. Diva much?
Teyla ignores all his histrionics and offers another solution -- one that would involve the Wraith-Defying Beautifying Gas (now in its new Easy to Inject Formulation). Mikey: "It's not a disease you can cure. You think it's easy being green?" Teyla: "Your life as a human could be long and full. Not to mention, I'll actually sex you if you look like Trip." Mikey: "But if I turn into a permanent amnesiac, what is the difference between that and death?" Teyla: "Hey, asshole. Did you get the memo about me maybe sleeping with you?" Mikey moans about eventually reverting back, but Teyla's Beckett's own PR person. Which really sucks for Beckett because anytime anyone goes on about what a medical genius he is, his "miracle" usually ends up getting fucked. Stop jinxing him, Teyla, damn you. Mikey stresses this conundrum, pointing out that if Teyla really believed the hype about Beckett's cure, all the Elf-men would now be on Atlantis, reveling in their hospitality. Teyla just glares at him all, "My body is a shrine. I'm not offering it to everyone, kthx." He walks right up to her, breaching her personal space, but like a good warrior woman, she stays absolutely still. Plus, I'm guessing with all the weird, creepy eyefucking going on, she's trying to emulate Shep and Lizzeh's Proximity of Awesomeness with Mikey. Alas, she can't counter his accusations because, of course, HE'S RIGHT.
Another SGC stock shot. Woolsey walks in on Lizzeh as she writes in her diary: Dear Diary, Today I kicked lots of butt. And it was a good hair day. She quickly puts it away because there are descriptions of her dirty dreams about Shep in there. Woolsey: "Great news. Those acronym-loving bastards have decided to let you stay in charge." Lizzeh: "Duh. TPTB fear my legion of swarming fangirls who have anointed me their Bestest, Most Awesomest TV Girlfriend." Woolsey: "Oh, I thought you'd be surprised." Lizzeh: "Okay. Sure. It was maybe touch and go for half a second there, but Awesome Female Diplomat always trumps Bastard American Military." I thought the military contingent consisted of international components, but what do I know? I only snark here. Of course, whatever parts make up Atlantis's military members is moot. What they're all really saying is they don't trust Shep as commander, and honestly, would you want some guy who at first impression came off looking and acting like some frat boy? Never mind how incredibly hot he is...though THAT does trump all in this case. Hee.
Woolsey goes on to explain that the IOA is split, which is obviously a lame plot gimmick to get Woolsey into Atlantis as a tie-breaker. Notice how he starts cleaning his glasses and refuses to meet Lizzeh's eyes? It's because he doesn't want her to know that he really only wants to go to Lantis because he loves her and doesn't want to leave her side. Or something. I'm actually too bored to really pay attention. I AM paying attention, however, when TPTB TOTALLY CHEAT by introducing Asgard Technology of Plot Convenience to shave the trip back to Atlantis from the usual 3+ weeks to just over a week. Hateful TPTB. I already cry foul at the 3 weeks. Now they're not even trying to keep Atlantis isolated. I have my own theories on that, and they're not good, so I'll just sum up in one word: Bastards. Embarrassed and humbled, Woolsey admits that he's "never met an Asgard." Lizzeh, obviously with way more restraint than me, manages to keep from mocking him: "You will love them. They've got a great sense of humor. Plus, they don't wear pants." Woolsey perks up: "Really?" Lizzeh gives him the You're Such a Sad Little Man smile of pity, all, "No…except for the pants. That's totally true." Woolsey knows he's been outted as a stick in the mud, aka Loser, and he sadly leaves, knowing everyone would still pick the Naked Asgard Without a Sense of Humor over him. Poor man. I almost feel bad for him.
Poll
Wraith Ship, aka Floating Piece of Crap. Now that they've got Mikey enjoying their hospitality on Atlantis, Team Genius must figure out how to fly the Hive by themselves. D'oh. Shep: "Get this piece of junk to work yet?" Rodney: "What do I look like -- a genius? Wait, I AM a genius. But no." Shep: "You're totally killing my buzz, yo. You do know that TPTB bastards will probably throw some Huge Dramatic Event of Middling Consequence at us any minute now. We need to stay a step ahead of them, dammit." Rodney: "Duh." Apparently similar to Ancient technology, the Hive will only respond to someone carrying the Wraith gene. And what do you know? THEY HAVE ONE OF THOSE. Finally, Teyla gets a job promotion. Although, you'd have to wonder why they don't just cut off Mikey's hands and use those, kind of in the way that geezer Wraith in "The Defiant One" threatened to do to Shep for the Jumper. Oh, right. Because a handless Trip is no good to Teyla (or any of us) for that matter. Anyone notice that Shep's hair looks a little less stick-uppy and disheveled than usual? I'm not sure how I feel about that. Except maybe the urge to run my fingers through it in order to mess it up again.
Anyway, Rodney admits that he can't get the manual override to work yet, but he'll persevere. Meanwhile, Shep remembers that there are actual aliens on his team, and that, in a way that is indicative of their on-screen togetherness through this series, he had forgotten all about Teyla. Until. "Zomg, isn't there some chick named Teyla on this show? Doesn't she have Wraith genes in her? You know, that stupid lame plot point from way back when that TPTB keep bringing up when they're just too lazy to come up with an original and/or creative solution?" Rodney: "…" Shep: "…" Rodney: "Anyway, the script calls for me to whine about another kink in our Plans of Awesome. Power for the Hive? We've got like half. Maybe; it could be less, depending on how much drama TPTB want to infuse into the big climactic moment." Shep glances at Rodney, then back down to the console. Back and forth. Back and forth. And it KILLS ME because he's doing a good job of demonstrating the I Have No Fucking Clue WTF You're Talking About confusion. Rodney insists that if Shep wants to fly his new toy and play with the Weapons of Doom, they're going to need to shut down some systems. Shep: "Huh?" And THAT hurts me in ways I cannot describe, because Shep is supposed to be SMART, too. Rodney, appropriately snarks that they're going to need to clean out the Wraith freezer. The lightbulb finally goes off over Shep's head, and I swear, it's because his hair is less spiky in this episode that's causing all the problems. His brainpower is run by the wind energy harnessed via his spikes, dammit!
Back in the city, the Theme of Testosterone-Drunk Giants trills in crescendo as Ronon stalks swiftly through Mikey's door. It doesn't take an Obvious Puppy to predict that Something Bad is about to happen. He pulls out Belle in mid-stride, keying it up so as to not waste precious time getting his bitchsmack on. His target? Mikey, of course! Mikey gets up, like he's ready to pounce, all the hairs of his neck standing straight up. "Are you my executioner?" he demands, mockingly. Ronon grins the Evil Baywatchian Grin of I've Seen The Hasselhoff Running Naked and Survived and grunting an "I wish." Before Mikey can defend himself -- and wouldn't that have been awesome and made up for that Shep vs. Ronon fight we never got -- Belle spits out a bolt of Night-Night Satedan Energy Juice. Mikey goes all Cheesy Paralyzing Overacting and falls unconscious on his bed as Beckett skips in from behind Ronon and quickly injects a dose of Wraith B-Gone. "I'm just glad he's not going to remember this," the doc says, foreshadowing nothing but DOOM for him sometime in the next 30 minutes. Carson, do you ever learn? Ronon just watches, mentally planning all the things he's going to do to an amnesiac Mikey just for shits and giggles. Oh, Ronon. This is not a good thing. Remember how much hotter Mikey was as Ex-Wraith!Trip? And how he and Teyla had Stick Fighting Sexx0rz in the gym? You should have just saved everyone the trouble bound to happen in the rest of the episode by accidentally setting Belle to Kill.
Poll
Somewhere in Gondor's forests, Legolas's people live happily ever after. Or not. Shep and Ronon -- and the much-appreciated return of the Pimp Coat -- stroll through the tent community known as Camp Elf. So according to some fans, Shep should feel right at home, right? *eyeroll* As they enter the general population of Elf-men and Biker Dudes Named Tiny, Ronon's all, "Ooookay, this is weird." No kidding. They dressed everyone in white? And put them in the forest? Do you know what a bitch stain removal is going to be?! Under his breath, Shep reminds him to treat them like regular folk. Ronon growls, "I know who they are. Pretending not to would require higher acting skills than I am capable of, omg." Shep glares at him all, "Just try to act normal, kthx." Which is like asking a Ronon-pup to stop kicking chairs and refraining from mentioning the obvious. Just as he finishes warning Ronon, the Nelson Elf from the last episode scoots harmlessly up to Shep, wanting to speak to him. I actually feel bad for this guy because he just seems so incredibly lost and helpless and confused.
Shep pulls away, afraid of getting Wraith cooties and tries his darnedest to ignore him. Meanwhile, the Ronon pitbull circles around to keep an eye on the guy. Not that they need to worry. By the looks of it, even Shep could break him in half with his pinky. The Nelson Elf introduces himself as "Lathan," which makes no sense because Ford is no longer on the show to give people names. Lathan wonders how long they'll be kept in Camp LakawanaElf. Shep blah blah blahs in a rather disinterested manner, which is rather rude considering they're supposed to be part of an humanitarian effort to aid supposedly plague-ridden people. Shep explains -- once more, apparently -- that all the happy elves are under quarantine. Lathan's all, "Where are all the women, omg?" Damn horny men of all species on Stargate! Shep does a quick summary of the last episode. Basically, all female Wraith are immune to the Wraith B-Gone. Then, tired of having to explain themselves all the time, Shep gets all snippy with him and enters Beckett's medical tent, leaving Lathan to woobie alone by himself.
Inside, Shep waits until one of the de-Wraiths leaves before he confronts Beckett about staying for much longer. Obviously, the good doc wants to take care of his new charges, but Shep's all, "Let's go, dammit." According to Shep, the original plan was to teach a few of them how to administer the drug (which Carson has) and then leave them there on the gateless planet with no means of escape. Beckett, however, would love to make sure his cure has all the bugs out. He still puts up a fight even after Shep pulls the First Name Card of Manipulation. Guess Beckett's worked up an immunity to it. Hee. Ronon questions whether any of them have reverted yet, which Beckett doesn't believe they have. Shep spends this time growing more and more pissed off. When Beckett tries to pass him, he grabs him and gets in his face, pointedly telling him that they have neither the manpower nor the resources to be Wraith babysitters. Carson: "If I don't come up with a permanent solution, then I'll have to abandon them?" Shep: "Eventually, yes. And by eventually, I mean now." Carson: "Then what?" Ronon, looking way too happy with the idea: "Then they eat each other, and it'll be AWESOME." Beckett refuses to accept that, requesting to stay until the next supply ship comes. Shep shakes his head, unhappy with this idea because that ship isn't expected for another week, and they only expect to bring enough supplies before the Wraith can "harvest their own" food. In other words, until they revert and suck each other dry. (Ew. Dirty.) Beckett pulls up his britches, squares his shoulders, and is all, "I'm a big boy. I can take care of myself." Shep doesn't completely believe that, but that's mostly because of his PapaBear personality. So he curtly responds that he's leaving a security team for Beckett, and with Ronon nipping at his heels like a good, trained puppy, he zips out of the tent all business-like. We cut out of this scene on a close-up of Beckett's Face of Woobie.
Later. Lathan trudges into the Tent of Secret Nefarious Scheming. A handful of other former Wraith greet him, curious about what Shep had to say about their situation. Lathan announces that Shep is frustratingly reticent. True, but that enigmatic quality is what increases his hotness factor, no? They all believe -- correctly -- that Shep is hiding something. Really? Was it his super friendly, non-brusque and warm attitude toward them that gave them that hint? Out of nowhere, a semi-contradictory voice: "Like what?" And YAY! It's the raspy tones of one de-Wraithified Hottie Named Trip, who scoots forward off the cot for the Big Facial Reveal of Doom. RAWR! Lathan continues, all, "Blah blah blah everything they told us something something something. I don't remember anything." But seeing how they're amnesiacs, that would be the DEFINITION OF THEIR DIAGNOSIS. Trip quotes the company line of memory loss being a symptom of their disease. Lathan, that nosy bastard, questions the validity of their claims, but Trip only sighs because this scene is getting ridiculously tedious pretty fast. Trip reminds them that the Atlanteans are helping them, but Lathan has a better idea: MUTINY. Trip tries to dissuade him by doing and saying anything that would put him on the Atlantean's side. But you know what? It doesn't matter wtf he says because it's Trip, omg. We should just sit here and watch him. Yum. Lathan insists they need to steal Shep's ship, but everyone else shoots him down. Because they're all EVIL, OMG and there is a Wraith Conspiracy a-brewing. You can tell Lathan isn't evil at all because of his angry but sad angsting at being booted out of the cool group. He just wants to belong! He just wants to find his backstory! Is that so wrong?! Poor guy goes outside to pout and cry while Trip and his right-hand man stare after him, just radiating EVIL.
Mess hall balcony, nighttime. Caldwell's flipping through a report when Woolsey sneaks up on him. Woolsey's all, "Yo." Caldwell's not stupid, so he's all, "Yo back." They make nice with the obligatory small chat, and Woolsey says he doesn't know how he feels about his new uniform. To which Caldwell jokes: "You'd stand out more in a suit and tie," but I'd have to vehemently disagree. The red uniform totally does not look good on him. In fact, having only seen either Lizzeh or Teyla wear it before, it's downright disconcerting -- kind of like that one guy whose girlfriend's husband comes home too early so he sneaks out the window wearing only her floral silk robe. Woolsey tries to be friends, but Caldwell's got the 411 on him and correctly pings him as a sneaky spy. Amused at the clichéd tactics, Skinner's all, "Yeah, I'm the commander of the Daedalus, and I show up whenever TPTB need me to either throw a kink in the Shep/Lizzeh command dynamics or appear out of nowhere for a Cliched Rescue of Plot Conveniences. But I'm technically not a member of this expedition. I'm what you call 'recurring.'" He also makes it known with a semi-I Am Not To Be Intimidated stare that he's not required to answer Woolsey's probes.
Woolsey continues to play with his orange (and this was not in a sick way, you pervs) while Caldwell nails him with the Don't Fuck With Me; I Dealt With FBI Politics and That Bastard, Mulder, for Years So I Know My Way Around glare of warning. Woolsey only smiles all slimy-like: "You're not the commander here because Lizzeh went to the mat for her boyfriend, I mean, Shep. If we got rid of her…" Caldwell (and why oh why does he keep getting more and more awesome with every episode he's in) calls him on his skeeviness, knowing that the health of his career ladder isn't the reason why Woolsey is there striking up a friendly conversation with him. Skinner: "Those bastard TPTB don't want militarization of Atlantis. They just want to make Lizzeh think her job is on the line. It's called drama, bitch." Woolsey: "Omg, you've already talked to her!" Skinner grins knowingly: "Nah. I'm just a veteran of Chris Carter's regime." Then Skinner shuts up and refuses to say anything more, wishing him a patronizing farewell before leaving. Hee. Skinner is awesome, and only partly for encouraging the John/Lizzeh. Lalala.
Camp WraithBGone. Shep tells the redshirts hitching a ride with him back to Atlantis that he's leaving soon and their butts better be on the ship and belted in by the time he gets there. He double-checks with Beckett to see if he's changed his mind. He hasn't. However, there are other issues to deal. According to Trip and all the good little de-Wraiths dressed in their spic and span white coveralls, Lathan never showed up for his daily hit of crack. Trip generously explains that Lathan thinks it's all an elaborate ruse to fuck with their minds, and why -- no seriously, WHYTHEFUCK -- are they even choosing to believe Trip anyway, especially after he fucked them over all those other times? Shep grows increasingly irritated at this whole plot, probably wondering why they didn't just nuke the damn Hive ship with its entire Wraith population after they got back to Atlantis, because surely no Hive ship is worth this much aggravation. Also, hello? D-Wraiths are still Wraith. Beckett calls attention to the urgency of finding Lathan as soon as possible before the "plague" symptoms reoccur. And because Trip is all, "Dude. I think we've broken your code," he gallantly offers up the rest of the Elves in White to help locate their missing member. Of course, Shep's not happy, but who can deny Trip and his puppy face of earnestness and… well, we all know Shep just really wants to get the fuck out of there so the sooner they find that annoying Lathan, the better.
So off they go. Ronon tracks. Shep indirectly introduces a Redshirt by name -- Morrison -- which means he's toast by the end of the episode, per Rules of Redshirting. Mike and the Mechanics, wandering through another section of woods, are hailed by a hiding Lathan, all "Pssst. Over here." So Mike and his fellow Mechanics is all, "Hey, buuuuuddy. Wassup. What's up with all the silent running?" Lathan emergences from his secret place, all, "Can you hear me running? Can you hear me calling you?" And at this point, you should already know that Trip? IS EVIL. This is something that is beyond poor Lathan's brain power because he's honestly only trying to prove a point by skipping his treatment and lo and behold, he's believes he's finally remembering his past. Only what, he can't pinpoint, so he grumps, "All I need is a miracle." Mikey's all, "Dude. Can't help you with that. Survival of the fittest blah blah blah. You lose." And then they dun dun DUN out of the scene but that's only because this is basic cable so they're restricted by the amount of violence they can air. Later, Morrison, that poor unsuspecting Redshirt With the Bull's-eye on his shiny bald head, radios in: "We found our Early 90s Hair Band Elf." And with that line, another Redshirt scores a SAG card. In a totally expected reveal, because this happens in like EVERY SHOW EVER, they're all, "ZOMG, HE'S DEAD." And we pan overhead to see poor Lathan in his pristine white coveralls sprawled unnaturally over a ridge. Ouch. Gee, we NEVER SAW THIS COMING AT ALL.
Trust a de-Wraithified Mike once, shame on Atlantis. Trust a de-Wraithified Mike twice, shame on Shep. Trust a de-Wraithified Mike three times, go to Vancouver and set up a picket line outside TPTB's office. Then throw panties at Joe, Jason, David, and Torri when they come outside.
Inside the medical tent, Beckett prepares an elf autopsy. Behind him, one of the Mechanics prepares a tray of injections. He waits patiently for Beckett, who shoos him out the tent, all, "You've done this a hundred times already, Merrick. Just do it." And that begs the question: no, seriously, if they can't remember their lives pre-Elf-ifying, then who the fuck took the time to name all of them? Wouldn't it have been easier to just give them names like 'Michael'? Unless Shep was all, "We can't give him a normal sounding name. He'll think it sounds too weird and question it." Lizzeh: "We should give them alien-sounding names." Teyla: "I will dig out the Big Book of Athosian Names and have Halling prepare a list." The fuck. Merrick hangs around, eyeing Beckett carefully: "You're going to cut him?" Beckett: "Well, he died from a broken neck, but I'm just going to pretend to cut him up because TPTB wants to remind everyone that I am indeed a doctor and I can do doctorly things instead of concentrating on that stupid, lame ass, Wraith-B-Gone plot point." The scene fades out on the juicy sounds of the good doc slicing into poor Lathan.
( continue for squee)
SGA 3x02: Misbegotten
Previously: To save time, I offer this.
The bowels of the SGC. Lizzeh arrives in the control room for Teyla's scheduled check-in from Atlantis. Teyla has no news to offer about the Mission of Doom (see: last episode), and Lizzeh's understated angsting makes her hotter than hot. According to the long range sensors on Atlantis, Teyla confirms that there's a Hive ship headed straight to Atlantis at Warp 7. Um, I'm confused. Exactly how much time has passed between the last episode and now? Not that I expect a reasonable or logical answer since I don't think TPTB have a complete grasp on the concept of time anyway. Because Lizzeh is the only one giving orders that anyone bothers to follow, she instructs Teyla to activate the cloak. So Teyla and Chuck eyefuck over both her heaving bosoms and the control consoles. Yeah, you know you saw it, too. Don't even lie. Cue Cloaking SFX of Awesome. I'll admit, as much as they get wrong with their cheesy physical props, they hardly ever mess up the CGI. Of course, I'm using "hardly ever" very loosely.
Lizzeh asks for updates on their defenses. Atlantis is ready to go, according to Teyla, and their first and only line of defense (other than those rail guns from Siege, Part 3) is one Carson Beckett. Ha. He must be wetting his pants right about now. Knowing this, Lizzeh is patched directly into the Chair Room so she can give him the obligatory pep talk. In other words, she's going to use her cuteness to cajole him into thinking he's the bestest ever for helping them out. Or something totally not that, because I'm already screwing around from boredom. In all honesty, I'm just biding time until we get to the John/Lizzeh reunion. Lizzeh: "You okay?" Carson, with a Mental Flail of Woe: "Don't let my greenish pallor fool you, Elizabeth. I'm peachy keen." Lizzeh: "You'll be fine. You've used the chair before, remember?" Carson: "Yeah. I also almost killed the two male leads of both SG shows. That's not something I want on my resume." Lizzeh: "Oh, well, you'll still have to do." Carson tries to whine his way out of his new assignment, pointing out the Cloak of Awesome should be enough to trick the stupid ass Wraith. Unfortunately, this Hive ship is moving way faster than any they've encountered, which means they might be in possession of supa secret intel on Atlantis. OR, you know, it could be that one Hive from the last episode. Both Lizzeh and Carson emote the Look of Woobie -- Lizzeh because she can't even go down with her ship, er, city if it all goes to hell (which it usually does), and Carson just because he's sitting in that damn chair.
Suddenly, a hyperspace window! The aforementioned Hive zooms out, headed straight for the city. Chuck informs Teyla in his Voice of Yum that they've got incoming. So Teyla tells Beckett to get ready. Poor man looks like he's ready to blow chunks. Stuck at the SGC, Lizzeh wibbles helplessly. I may just pause right here and make imaginary love to my TV girlfriend, if you don't mind. Anyway, there's the inevitable 30-second Pause of Suspense (with accompanying Dramatic Melody of Possible Doom) before a familiar voice comes over the comm. "This is Sheppard. Come in." Yay! It's nice to know the Hotties did indeed survive the time warp between "No Man's Land" and "Misbegotten," but this plot device is getting freaking old. Teyla, who is hardly ever rewarded with a reaction shot when something dramatic happens with John, is all, "ZOMG, you're ALIVE!" (Any Chuck/Teyla shippers out there? Because she totally tries to catch Chuck's eyes before she even bothers to squee over Shep's aliveness.)
Teyla seems pretty happy to hear from him, but who wouldn't? Have you SEEN the man? He's fucking hot, yo. Over Teyla's screenshot comes Lizzeh's gleeful but stunned: "He made it?" Her relief is palpable and there's laughter in her voice, because she looooooooooves him. La la la. La la la. Then there's Beckett and his adorable dimple smiling happily, too, but I'm going to zip right past this moment because my Shep Het Card forbids me to dwell in the Land of Slashy. Shep's all, "Blah blah blah starving and need sleep, but yeah, we made it." Hee. The Shep/Weir shipper in me wants to note that he acknowledges Lizzeh by answering only her question and, like most episodes, ignores Teyla. (*LAS* You love me. Shut up.) Lizzeh does THE CUTEST THING EVER that involves a close-eyed sigh of relief, face touching, hand clasping, and this GORGEOUS SMILE OF HAPPINESS that proves exactly how much she is affected by the knowledge that Shep is alive. For serious. This woman doesn't even realize just how big a role he plays in her life. If they were physically in the same room right now, I suspect we would have been rewarded with another hug. Then Shep himself happies about being back. Awww.
Hive ship. We see Michael at the controls and McKay messing around at a console. Shep continues, all proud of himself: "Now would not be a good time to shoot. After all, you don't want to damage your new Hive ship." Excuse me while I go off on a tangent and say that the "you" is directed at Lizzeh since Shep has no clue that she's back on Earth. Also, like that one kitty that keeps bringing home dead birds in a show of affection for its owners, you just know that Shep gets off on bringing back weird (and mostly ugly) objects acquired while on missions for Lizzeh. This Hive ship? Just a massive, fugly gift. Hee. He's so pleased with this new present that he bounces on his heels and does that Lip Pursing of Yum we all love so much. Rawrrr.
Credits!
While the Hive hovers in orbit, the tiny NotSoDead-alus slingshots out from underneath and heads back to the city. Beckett immediately arrives on-board, and during his pedeconference with Shep through the organic corridors of their new ship, Shep apologizes for scaring the crap out of him and forcing him to sit in the chair. Beckett: "I almost killed you again, omg." Shep: "Eh. TPTB would never let you get away with it." He informs Beckett that his Voodoo Elf-ifying gas worked like a charm, and that perks Beckett right up. Beckett: "How many are there?" Shep: "Just a few." Beckett: "Define 'few.'" They pause mid-pedeconference so Shep can show Beckett one of those plastic, backlit cells with one de-Wraithified face pressed up against the wall, in what could be described as your stereotypical Pose of Horror. Seriously, if you were suffering from amnesia, would you let someone stick you in one of those? Fuck no. The rest of the room is filled with another jigabillion of those cells, similar to that one scene in "Rising, Part 2." Beckett: "A few, huh?" Shep: "Or maybe closer to 200." Beckett: "Are you fucking kidding me? I thought you were a math genius. Two hundred is not a few." Shep: "So I underestimated. Be happy. One of these ships could hold a thousand." Hearing this, Beckett gulps and face-acts the Shit, My Stomach Just Dropped to My Bowels look of panic.
Stock Footage: Cheyenne Complex. Woolsey and Lizzeh have coffee in her makeshift office. He's all, "Blah blah blah moral complexities something something IOA has no opinions." Lizzeh only gives him a knowing look, followed by what could be misconstrued as a flirty smile -- seriously, can this woman do anything that doesn't come off as flirty and sexy? -- followed by the cutest shrug. She's so adorable, OMG. The mocking of lame acronyms carries over into her response: "Of course TPTB have no real opinions. Talk about giving those crazies on LJ more to wank over." Woolsey points out that the IOA couldn't care less about all the Wraith!Elfs since they're still sulking over the way Lizzeh treated them in the last episode. Lizzeh reminds him that Mikey had pinky-swore that he hadn't passed on any info about Earth to anyone else, and we all know how trustworthy he is. Ha! Who cares about Mikey or the IOA? Lizzeh just lights up the damn room in this scene. How does this woman get more beautiful every season? Woolsey: "I'd reconsider using this Wraith as your expert witness for the defense." Lizzeh leans forward, folding her arms in front of her on the desk and gets coy and seductive with her voice again, all, "I didn't know I was on trial." And OMG, STOP FLIRTING WITH HIM! But hey, at least Shep's not the only one guilty of using his charisma to get whatever he wants; Lizzeh's just as bad.
Poll
There's some talk about how the IOA is miffed at Lizzeh for bringing the Wraith so close to their doorstep. Woolsey: "The Wraith were only supposed to kill off the expedition, omg." Lizzeh does this beautiful headshake, and god, I just want to reach out and play with her hair. She reminds him that it was the IOA who didn't want a military expedition, which is why she got the call. Woolsey intones, without any hint of humor: "Nothing renews your appreciation for the military like the threat of invasion from life-sucking aliens." Word. Add to that: "And finding out they're stocking their ranks with guys who look like Shep, Lorne, and Skinner. RAWRR." I mean, who didn't appreciate the FBI more after seeing Mulder? Pfft. Hey, wait a second, WHERE THE HELL IS LORNE?
Close-up: Atlantis, with appropriate romantic lighting. Teyla enters Mikey's room, and her boobs greet him. Because he's staring out the window at the awesome nighttime cityscape, the welcoming committee can't be fully appreciated by him. He finally turns around. They eyefuck. Man, these two don't lose any time at all. They're worse than Shep and Weir. Heh. He hisses about being placed under guard even though he saved Shep's life. Teyla's all, "You've betrayed us before," but what she really means is, "Dude, remember when you WRAITHNAPPED me even though we TRUSTED you? Yeah, fuck that, it's never happening again." Except without the contractions. He's all, "Blah blah blah after everything I've done, here I am again… I can't say I'm surprised." And he shouldn't be since we all know TPTB never met a cheesy plot gimmick they didn't love. Teyla's chest and belly button heave once more, and you have to wonder exactly why she seems so out of breath. Oh, sexual tension; how blatant you are. The whole thing is wasted on Michael, who'd rather bitch and moan than lick Teyla up and down, like he would have back in "Michael," if he hadn't been such a whiny, 'omg, I wanna know all about myself because nothing makes sense' bitch back then. Mikey: "Boo hoo for me. Why did I ever think I'd be welcome?" Teyla, eye rolling: "What the fuck are you bellyaching about?" What he's talking about is being viewed by the rest of the Wraith as Wraith Poopy and not being allowed to join in their Wraithy games. Oh, Mikey; this Rudolph the Reindeer complex is so not endearing. He's all, "I may appear as a Wraith again on the outside, but as far as they're concerned, I'm…" Hungry? Ugly? Boring? A lame-ass excuse to bring back a popular sci-fi actor to make the fangirls/boys drool and thereby marking himself as ratings bait for a show in need of a ratings boost? Anyway, he's so upset by the possibilities, he can't even finish his own sentence.
To forestall him from a crying jag, another distracting round of Heaving Bosoms of Awesome is employed for his benefit. It also pretty much answers Teyla's own question asking him what he wants. Um...those? I know I wish I had a set like them. Just saying. Mikey: "You don't want me. The Wraith don't want me. So I am forced to choose myself. I pick ME." He takes a step toward her, but she backs away immediately as her backups rudely point weapons at poor (EVIL) Mikey. He does this unsurprised, half-chuckle at seeing this, looking all, "But we had chemistry! And now you don't even want to touch me because I'm ugly and fat and omg, it's because of my gross, green skin, isn't it?!" Teyla: *eyes* Mikey: "Okay, nevermind. Just give me some supplies and oh yeah, one of those really cool Ancient ships if you've got an extra one just lying around. Or maybe even the keys to the Daedalus if you're not using it tonight. I promise to gas up." Finally wise to his machinations, Teyla in her authoritative, don't fuck with me voice: "Yeah, that ain't happening, bitch." Michael drama-queens a "Then kill me NOW!" Sheesh. Diva much?
Teyla ignores all his histrionics and offers another solution -- one that would involve the Wraith-Defying Beautifying Gas (now in its new Easy to Inject Formulation). Mikey: "It's not a disease you can cure. You think it's easy being green?" Teyla: "Your life as a human could be long and full. Not to mention, I'll actually sex you if you look like Trip." Mikey: "But if I turn into a permanent amnesiac, what is the difference between that and death?" Teyla: "Hey, asshole. Did you get the memo about me maybe sleeping with you?" Mikey moans about eventually reverting back, but Teyla's Beckett's own PR person. Which really sucks for Beckett because anytime anyone goes on about what a medical genius he is, his "miracle" usually ends up getting fucked. Stop jinxing him, Teyla, damn you. Mikey stresses this conundrum, pointing out that if Teyla really believed the hype about Beckett's cure, all the Elf-men would now be on Atlantis, reveling in their hospitality. Teyla just glares at him all, "My body is a shrine. I'm not offering it to everyone, kthx." He walks right up to her, breaching her personal space, but like a good warrior woman, she stays absolutely still. Plus, I'm guessing with all the weird, creepy eyefucking going on, she's trying to emulate Shep and Lizzeh's Proximity of Awesomeness with Mikey. Alas, she can't counter his accusations because, of course, HE'S RIGHT.
Another SGC stock shot. Woolsey walks in on Lizzeh as she writes in her diary: Dear Diary, Today I kicked lots of butt. And it was a good hair day. She quickly puts it away because there are descriptions of her dirty dreams about Shep in there. Woolsey: "Great news. Those acronym-loving bastards have decided to let you stay in charge." Lizzeh: "Duh. TPTB fear my legion of swarming fangirls who have anointed me their Bestest, Most Awesomest TV Girlfriend." Woolsey: "Oh, I thought you'd be surprised." Lizzeh: "Okay. Sure. It was maybe touch and go for half a second there, but Awesome Female Diplomat always trumps Bastard American Military." I thought the military contingent consisted of international components, but what do I know? I only snark here. Of course, whatever parts make up Atlantis's military members is moot. What they're all really saying is they don't trust Shep as commander, and honestly, would you want some guy who at first impression came off looking and acting like some frat boy? Never mind how incredibly hot he is...though THAT does trump all in this case. Hee.
Woolsey goes on to explain that the IOA is split, which is obviously a lame plot gimmick to get Woolsey into Atlantis as a tie-breaker. Notice how he starts cleaning his glasses and refuses to meet Lizzeh's eyes? It's because he doesn't want her to know that he really only wants to go to Lantis because he loves her and doesn't want to leave her side. Or something. I'm actually too bored to really pay attention. I AM paying attention, however, when TPTB TOTALLY CHEAT by introducing Asgard Technology of Plot Convenience to shave the trip back to Atlantis from the usual 3+ weeks to just over a week. Hateful TPTB. I already cry foul at the 3 weeks. Now they're not even trying to keep Atlantis isolated. I have my own theories on that, and they're not good, so I'll just sum up in one word: Bastards. Embarrassed and humbled, Woolsey admits that he's "never met an Asgard." Lizzeh, obviously with way more restraint than me, manages to keep from mocking him: "You will love them. They've got a great sense of humor. Plus, they don't wear pants." Woolsey perks up: "Really?" Lizzeh gives him the You're Such a Sad Little Man smile of pity, all, "No…except for the pants. That's totally true." Woolsey knows he's been outted as a stick in the mud, aka Loser, and he sadly leaves, knowing everyone would still pick the Naked Asgard Without a Sense of Humor over him. Poor man. I almost feel bad for him.
Poll
Wraith Ship, aka Floating Piece of Crap. Now that they've got Mikey enjoying their hospitality on Atlantis, Team Genius must figure out how to fly the Hive by themselves. D'oh. Shep: "Get this piece of junk to work yet?" Rodney: "What do I look like -- a genius? Wait, I AM a genius. But no." Shep: "You're totally killing my buzz, yo. You do know that TPTB bastards will probably throw some Huge Dramatic Event of Middling Consequence at us any minute now. We need to stay a step ahead of them, dammit." Rodney: "Duh." Apparently similar to Ancient technology, the Hive will only respond to someone carrying the Wraith gene. And what do you know? THEY HAVE ONE OF THOSE. Finally, Teyla gets a job promotion. Although, you'd have to wonder why they don't just cut off Mikey's hands and use those, kind of in the way that geezer Wraith in "The Defiant One" threatened to do to Shep for the Jumper. Oh, right. Because a handless Trip is no good to Teyla (or any of us) for that matter. Anyone notice that Shep's hair looks a little less stick-uppy and disheveled than usual? I'm not sure how I feel about that. Except maybe the urge to run my fingers through it in order to mess it up again.
Anyway, Rodney admits that he can't get the manual override to work yet, but he'll persevere. Meanwhile, Shep remembers that there are actual aliens on his team, and that, in a way that is indicative of their on-screen togetherness through this series, he had forgotten all about Teyla. Until. "Zomg, isn't there some chick named Teyla on this show? Doesn't she have Wraith genes in her? You know, that stupid lame plot point from way back when that TPTB keep bringing up when they're just too lazy to come up with an original and/or creative solution?" Rodney: "…" Shep: "…" Rodney: "Anyway, the script calls for me to whine about another kink in our Plans of Awesome. Power for the Hive? We've got like half. Maybe; it could be less, depending on how much drama TPTB want to infuse into the big climactic moment." Shep glances at Rodney, then back down to the console. Back and forth. Back and forth. And it KILLS ME because he's doing a good job of demonstrating the I Have No Fucking Clue WTF You're Talking About confusion. Rodney insists that if Shep wants to fly his new toy and play with the Weapons of Doom, they're going to need to shut down some systems. Shep: "Huh?" And THAT hurts me in ways I cannot describe, because Shep is supposed to be SMART, too. Rodney, appropriately snarks that they're going to need to clean out the Wraith freezer. The lightbulb finally goes off over Shep's head, and I swear, it's because his hair is less spiky in this episode that's causing all the problems. His brainpower is run by the wind energy harnessed via his spikes, dammit!
Back in the city, the Theme of Testosterone-Drunk Giants trills in crescendo as Ronon stalks swiftly through Mikey's door. It doesn't take an Obvious Puppy to predict that Something Bad is about to happen. He pulls out Belle in mid-stride, keying it up so as to not waste precious time getting his bitchsmack on. His target? Mikey, of course! Mikey gets up, like he's ready to pounce, all the hairs of his neck standing straight up. "Are you my executioner?" he demands, mockingly. Ronon grins the Evil Baywatchian Grin of I've Seen The Hasselhoff Running Naked and Survived and grunting an "I wish." Before Mikey can defend himself -- and wouldn't that have been awesome and made up for that Shep vs. Ronon fight we never got -- Belle spits out a bolt of Night-Night Satedan Energy Juice. Mikey goes all Cheesy Paralyzing Overacting and falls unconscious on his bed as Beckett skips in from behind Ronon and quickly injects a dose of Wraith B-Gone. "I'm just glad he's not going to remember this," the doc says, foreshadowing nothing but DOOM for him sometime in the next 30 minutes. Carson, do you ever learn? Ronon just watches, mentally planning all the things he's going to do to an amnesiac Mikey just for shits and giggles. Oh, Ronon. This is not a good thing. Remember how much hotter Mikey was as Ex-Wraith!Trip? And how he and Teyla had Stick Fighting Sexx0rz in the gym? You should have just saved everyone the trouble bound to happen in the rest of the episode by accidentally setting Belle to Kill.
Poll
Somewhere in Gondor's forests, Legolas's people live happily ever after. Or not. Shep and Ronon -- and the much-appreciated return of the Pimp Coat -- stroll through the tent community known as Camp Elf. So according to some fans, Shep should feel right at home, right? *eyeroll* As they enter the general population of Elf-men and Biker Dudes Named Tiny, Ronon's all, "Ooookay, this is weird." No kidding. They dressed everyone in white? And put them in the forest? Do you know what a bitch stain removal is going to be?! Under his breath, Shep reminds him to treat them like regular folk. Ronon growls, "I know who they are. Pretending not to would require higher acting skills than I am capable of, omg." Shep glares at him all, "Just try to act normal, kthx." Which is like asking a Ronon-pup to stop kicking chairs and refraining from mentioning the obvious. Just as he finishes warning Ronon, the Nelson Elf from the last episode scoots harmlessly up to Shep, wanting to speak to him. I actually feel bad for this guy because he just seems so incredibly lost and helpless and confused.
Shep pulls away, afraid of getting Wraith cooties and tries his darnedest to ignore him. Meanwhile, the Ronon pitbull circles around to keep an eye on the guy. Not that they need to worry. By the looks of it, even Shep could break him in half with his pinky. The Nelson Elf introduces himself as "Lathan," which makes no sense because Ford is no longer on the show to give people names. Lathan wonders how long they'll be kept in Camp LakawanaElf. Shep blah blah blahs in a rather disinterested manner, which is rather rude considering they're supposed to be part of an humanitarian effort to aid supposedly plague-ridden people. Shep explains -- once more, apparently -- that all the happy elves are under quarantine. Lathan's all, "Where are all the women, omg?" Damn horny men of all species on Stargate! Shep does a quick summary of the last episode. Basically, all female Wraith are immune to the Wraith B-Gone. Then, tired of having to explain themselves all the time, Shep gets all snippy with him and enters Beckett's medical tent, leaving Lathan to woobie alone by himself.
Inside, Shep waits until one of the de-Wraiths leaves before he confronts Beckett about staying for much longer. Obviously, the good doc wants to take care of his new charges, but Shep's all, "Let's go, dammit." According to Shep, the original plan was to teach a few of them how to administer the drug (which Carson has) and then leave them there on the gateless planet with no means of escape. Beckett, however, would love to make sure his cure has all the bugs out. He still puts up a fight even after Shep pulls the First Name Card of Manipulation. Guess Beckett's worked up an immunity to it. Hee. Ronon questions whether any of them have reverted yet, which Beckett doesn't believe they have. Shep spends this time growing more and more pissed off. When Beckett tries to pass him, he grabs him and gets in his face, pointedly telling him that they have neither the manpower nor the resources to be Wraith babysitters. Carson: "If I don't come up with a permanent solution, then I'll have to abandon them?" Shep: "Eventually, yes. And by eventually, I mean now." Carson: "Then what?" Ronon, looking way too happy with the idea: "Then they eat each other, and it'll be AWESOME." Beckett refuses to accept that, requesting to stay until the next supply ship comes. Shep shakes his head, unhappy with this idea because that ship isn't expected for another week, and they only expect to bring enough supplies before the Wraith can "harvest their own" food. In other words, until they revert and suck each other dry. (Ew. Dirty.) Beckett pulls up his britches, squares his shoulders, and is all, "I'm a big boy. I can take care of myself." Shep doesn't completely believe that, but that's mostly because of his PapaBear personality. So he curtly responds that he's leaving a security team for Beckett, and with Ronon nipping at his heels like a good, trained puppy, he zips out of the tent all business-like. We cut out of this scene on a close-up of Beckett's Face of Woobie.
Later. Lathan trudges into the Tent of Secret Nefarious Scheming. A handful of other former Wraith greet him, curious about what Shep had to say about their situation. Lathan announces that Shep is frustratingly reticent. True, but that enigmatic quality is what increases his hotness factor, no? They all believe -- correctly -- that Shep is hiding something. Really? Was it his super friendly, non-brusque and warm attitude toward them that gave them that hint? Out of nowhere, a semi-contradictory voice: "Like what?" And YAY! It's the raspy tones of one de-Wraithified Hottie Named Trip, who scoots forward off the cot for the Big Facial Reveal of Doom. RAWR! Lathan continues, all, "Blah blah blah everything they told us something something something. I don't remember anything." But seeing how they're amnesiacs, that would be the DEFINITION OF THEIR DIAGNOSIS. Trip quotes the company line of memory loss being a symptom of their disease. Lathan, that nosy bastard, questions the validity of their claims, but Trip only sighs because this scene is getting ridiculously tedious pretty fast. Trip reminds them that the Atlanteans are helping them, but Lathan has a better idea: MUTINY. Trip tries to dissuade him by doing and saying anything that would put him on the Atlantean's side. But you know what? It doesn't matter wtf he says because it's Trip, omg. We should just sit here and watch him. Yum. Lathan insists they need to steal Shep's ship, but everyone else shoots him down. Because they're all EVIL, OMG and there is a Wraith Conspiracy a-brewing. You can tell Lathan isn't evil at all because of his angry but sad angsting at being booted out of the cool group. He just wants to belong! He just wants to find his backstory! Is that so wrong?! Poor guy goes outside to pout and cry while Trip and his right-hand man stare after him, just radiating EVIL.
Mess hall balcony, nighttime. Caldwell's flipping through a report when Woolsey sneaks up on him. Woolsey's all, "Yo." Caldwell's not stupid, so he's all, "Yo back." They make nice with the obligatory small chat, and Woolsey says he doesn't know how he feels about his new uniform. To which Caldwell jokes: "You'd stand out more in a suit and tie," but I'd have to vehemently disagree. The red uniform totally does not look good on him. In fact, having only seen either Lizzeh or Teyla wear it before, it's downright disconcerting -- kind of like that one guy whose girlfriend's husband comes home too early so he sneaks out the window wearing only her floral silk robe. Woolsey tries to be friends, but Caldwell's got the 411 on him and correctly pings him as a sneaky spy. Amused at the clichéd tactics, Skinner's all, "Yeah, I'm the commander of the Daedalus, and I show up whenever TPTB need me to either throw a kink in the Shep/Lizzeh command dynamics or appear out of nowhere for a Cliched Rescue of Plot Conveniences. But I'm technically not a member of this expedition. I'm what you call 'recurring.'" He also makes it known with a semi-I Am Not To Be Intimidated stare that he's not required to answer Woolsey's probes.
Woolsey continues to play with his orange (and this was not in a sick way, you pervs) while Caldwell nails him with the Don't Fuck With Me; I Dealt With FBI Politics and That Bastard, Mulder, for Years So I Know My Way Around glare of warning. Woolsey only smiles all slimy-like: "You're not the commander here because Lizzeh went to the mat for her boyfriend, I mean, Shep. If we got rid of her…" Caldwell (and why oh why does he keep getting more and more awesome with every episode he's in) calls him on his skeeviness, knowing that the health of his career ladder isn't the reason why Woolsey is there striking up a friendly conversation with him. Skinner: "Those bastard TPTB don't want militarization of Atlantis. They just want to make Lizzeh think her job is on the line. It's called drama, bitch." Woolsey: "Omg, you've already talked to her!" Skinner grins knowingly: "Nah. I'm just a veteran of Chris Carter's regime." Then Skinner shuts up and refuses to say anything more, wishing him a patronizing farewell before leaving. Hee. Skinner is awesome, and only partly for encouraging the John/Lizzeh. Lalala.
Camp WraithBGone. Shep tells the redshirts hitching a ride with him back to Atlantis that he's leaving soon and their butts better be on the ship and belted in by the time he gets there. He double-checks with Beckett to see if he's changed his mind. He hasn't. However, there are other issues to deal. According to Trip and all the good little de-Wraiths dressed in their spic and span white coveralls, Lathan never showed up for his daily hit of crack. Trip generously explains that Lathan thinks it's all an elaborate ruse to fuck with their minds, and why -- no seriously, WHYTHEFUCK -- are they even choosing to believe Trip anyway, especially after he fucked them over all those other times? Shep grows increasingly irritated at this whole plot, probably wondering why they didn't just nuke the damn Hive ship with its entire Wraith population after they got back to Atlantis, because surely no Hive ship is worth this much aggravation. Also, hello? D-Wraiths are still Wraith. Beckett calls attention to the urgency of finding Lathan as soon as possible before the "plague" symptoms reoccur. And because Trip is all, "Dude. I think we've broken your code," he gallantly offers up the rest of the Elves in White to help locate their missing member. Of course, Shep's not happy, but who can deny Trip and his puppy face of earnestness and… well, we all know Shep just really wants to get the fuck out of there so the sooner they find that annoying Lathan, the better.
So off they go. Ronon tracks. Shep indirectly introduces a Redshirt by name -- Morrison -- which means he's toast by the end of the episode, per Rules of Redshirting. Mike and the Mechanics, wandering through another section of woods, are hailed by a hiding Lathan, all "Pssst. Over here." So Mike and his fellow Mechanics is all, "Hey, buuuuuddy. Wassup. What's up with all the silent running?" Lathan emergences from his secret place, all, "Can you hear me running? Can you hear me calling you?" And at this point, you should already know that Trip? IS EVIL. This is something that is beyond poor Lathan's brain power because he's honestly only trying to prove a point by skipping his treatment and lo and behold, he's believes he's finally remembering his past. Only what, he can't pinpoint, so he grumps, "All I need is a miracle." Mikey's all, "Dude. Can't help you with that. Survival of the fittest blah blah blah. You lose." And then they dun dun DUN out of the scene but that's only because this is basic cable so they're restricted by the amount of violence they can air. Later, Morrison, that poor unsuspecting Redshirt With the Bull's-eye on his shiny bald head, radios in: "We found our Early 90s Hair Band Elf." And with that line, another Redshirt scores a SAG card. In a totally expected reveal, because this happens in like EVERY SHOW EVER, they're all, "ZOMG, HE'S DEAD." And we pan overhead to see poor Lathan in his pristine white coveralls sprawled unnaturally over a ridge. Ouch. Gee, we NEVER SAW THIS COMING AT ALL.
Trust a de-Wraithified Mike once, shame on Atlantis. Trust a de-Wraithified Mike twice, shame on Shep. Trust a de-Wraithified Mike three times, go to Vancouver and set up a picket line outside TPTB's office. Then throw panties at Joe, Jason, David, and Torri when they come outside.
Inside the medical tent, Beckett prepares an elf autopsy. Behind him, one of the Mechanics prepares a tray of injections. He waits patiently for Beckett, who shoos him out the tent, all, "You've done this a hundred times already, Merrick. Just do it." And that begs the question: no, seriously, if they can't remember their lives pre-Elf-ifying, then who the fuck took the time to name all of them? Wouldn't it have been easier to just give them names like 'Michael'? Unless Shep was all, "We can't give him a normal sounding name. He'll think it sounds too weird and question it." Lizzeh: "We should give them alien-sounding names." Teyla: "I will dig out the Big Book of Athosian Names and have Halling prepare a list." The fuck. Merrick hangs around, eyeing Beckett carefully: "You're going to cut him?" Beckett: "Well, he died from a broken neck, but I'm just going to pretend to cut him up because TPTB wants to remind everyone that I am indeed a doctor and I can do doctorly things instead of concentrating on that stupid, lame ass, Wraith-B-Gone plot point." The scene fades out on the juicy sounds of the good doc slicing into poor Lathan.
( continue for squee)