Blah..
I went to a friend's place to party a little Friday night. I randomly ran into this girl I know and invited her with me.
After a while there, I asked her to walk with me outside. Not because I really wanted to, but I was highly under an influence she was unaware of--I will not say what--I had to get out.
We walked and talked. Most of it from me. Too much from me, and all of it too personal. That's the influence for you. But she seemed to like me more for it. She occasionally held me, bumping into me, and more.
We found a playground and I had to go to it. Sitting on the top of it, she put her head on my shoulder and held me some more. My mind was running, shooting in eight-thousand different directions, something you can only visualize by being there, allowing me to spit out things I
never can. It wasn't the influence of attraction or love. I blurted out repeatedly, "Do not get attached to me, do not get attached to me, I do not know what I want, I do not know what I want." Because it seemed like she did.
I saw a movie recently where a guy that didn't know what he wanted tells his views. He says that certain women are like beautiful sculptures. They look amazing from a distance, but by getting closer, you begin to see their cracks.. their imperfections.. And this is what I felt with her. That's how I've felt about everyone I've met, lately.
But really, it wasn't about not knowing what I wanted. It was about knowing exactly what I want. A girl in whom I don't see the cracks. There's only one person like that right now.
I wish I could hear from her. I mean, I do hear from her.. But it always feels like it's a lifetime between each meeting. I wish it was consistent. I wish it felt good, too. I mean, it does. But it still feels like everytime we make some contact, I get struck in the gut, too.. It also feels like she doesn't want the same. One day she sends a cute message, the next it's like I don't exist. She's confusing me.
All these women I've been meeting, all these women I turn to have no interests in, are all forcing my mind into thinking about her again. Shot right back into its old, regretful nature that I've been trying to get out of.
I was cleaning my desk today, and underneath some papers I coincidentally discovered photos with her from my birthday. I had them buried away since the beginning of summer. It made me sad.
I remember one night we were sitting outside the front of the mall on her car. It was late, sprinkly, cold and breezy. She was wearing wearing one of her many sweater jackets in the color of blue. A cop pulled up and told us to go home.
I tried giving her a kiss right after. I tried all night, but never got a movement out. When I finally did, I accidentally bumped into the side of her head instead. I don't know if she knew what I was trying.
I wonder what would we would be like now if we were both capable. To make those moves successfully. I'm going to assume she was just as stupidly-unable as I was. I'm still so regretful.
After a while there, I asked her to walk with me outside. Not because I really wanted to, but I was highly under an influence she was unaware of--I will not say what--I had to get out.
We walked and talked. Most of it from me. Too much from me, and all of it too personal. That's the influence for you. But she seemed to like me more for it. She occasionally held me, bumping into me, and more.
We found a playground and I had to go to it. Sitting on the top of it, she put her head on my shoulder and held me some more. My mind was running, shooting in eight-thousand different directions, something you can only visualize by being there, allowing me to spit out things I
never can. It wasn't the influence of attraction or love. I blurted out repeatedly, "Do not get attached to me, do not get attached to me, I do not know what I want, I do not know what I want." Because it seemed like she did.
I saw a movie recently where a guy that didn't know what he wanted tells his views. He says that certain women are like beautiful sculptures. They look amazing from a distance, but by getting closer, you begin to see their cracks.. their imperfections.. And this is what I felt with her. That's how I've felt about everyone I've met, lately.
But really, it wasn't about not knowing what I wanted. It was about knowing exactly what I want. A girl in whom I don't see the cracks. There's only one person like that right now.
I wish I could hear from her. I mean, I do hear from her.. But it always feels like it's a lifetime between each meeting. I wish it was consistent. I wish it felt good, too. I mean, it does. But it still feels like everytime we make some contact, I get struck in the gut, too.. It also feels like she doesn't want the same. One day she sends a cute message, the next it's like I don't exist. She's confusing me.
All these women I've been meeting, all these women I turn to have no interests in, are all forcing my mind into thinking about her again. Shot right back into its old, regretful nature that I've been trying to get out of.
I was cleaning my desk today, and underneath some papers I coincidentally discovered photos with her from my birthday. I had them buried away since the beginning of summer. It made me sad.
I remember one night we were sitting outside the front of the mall on her car. It was late, sprinkly, cold and breezy. She was wearing wearing one of her many sweater jackets in the color of blue. A cop pulled up and told us to go home.
I tried giving her a kiss right after. I tried all night, but never got a movement out. When I finally did, I accidentally bumped into the side of her head instead. I don't know if she knew what I was trying.
I wonder what would we would be like now if we were both capable. To make those moves successfully. I'm going to assume she was just as stupidly-unable as I was. I'm still so regretful.