(no subject)
I've just been kind of floating along lately. Sometimes I land for a minute or two and think I should shake myself out of it. This is life, and it's all there is; so why coast? There's minutes, hours or the odd day where I can really connect to a moment and be 'in it' long enough to feel good or bad, but otherwise the majority of my time is spent projecting the image that everything is normal so that nobody will ask or spend time picking at me. I do find this is the best time to get real shit done. I'm turning my credit around like crazy, and I have gained new skills in music, painting, and building. I've met a few new people. Applied for some actual careers, too. I don't know.. it's all mostly positive when I do try and focus, so I let myself keep floating. I'm afraid it'll cause problems eventually though. Someone is going to care about me, and I won't even really be there to give that back. I'll want to, of course, but I'll just be up in the sky thinking about something else. I just don't really know how to warn anyone. "Hey, listen.. I'm almost constantly distracted by my inner dialogue. you're probably not boring. It's me. I'm weird."
The other thing is, I haven't written a song in like 2 years now. It isn't that I have less of an interest in music, but it's because i wrote two songs I really really genuinely liked, and I haven't had any ideas that held up to their standards. Nevermind that I used to write like 60+ a year. Macs were so much more equipped for a studio writer. I can't sit with a pen and paper, I need a four track at least. I need live monitoring, and active reverb. I am playing guitar for one of my favorite bands ever, so it's not like I'm out of the game. I don't know. I should get back to floating.
The other thing is, I haven't written a song in like 2 years now. It isn't that I have less of an interest in music, but it's because i wrote two songs I really really genuinely liked, and I haven't had any ideas that held up to their standards. Nevermind that I used to write like 60+ a year. Macs were so much more equipped for a studio writer. I can't sit with a pen and paper, I need a four track at least. I need live monitoring, and active reverb. I am playing guitar for one of my favorite bands ever, so it's not like I'm out of the game. I don't know. I should get back to floating.