The truth is...
Capitalism really only gives you two options unless you’re born into money: wage slave or bum. Statistical anomalies happen, sure, but those are really your only options. I chose bum because it required the least amount of effort. But I hate being a bum. I’m also unwilling and/or unable to be a wage slave. And unfortunately, I wasn’t born into money, or really any resources at all.
I’ve spent the last decade of my life trying to find happiness in a life of poverty and resistance. I’ve had some fun and accomplished some small personal victories. But mostly, I’ve just been sad, angry, and uncomfortable. Either option is a profound struggle. I always figured the struggle I chose would be worth it. And in some ways, it has been, since I’ve been afforded certain freedoms I would not have had, had I chose to work my whole life. I’ve also been able to maintain some semblance of agency and self-respect, I guess, which ultimately still isn’t much and is worth nothing at your grave. I oftentimes look at the majority of people around me who obviously have not chosen the bum option but have also not been born into money, and I envy the material advantages they’ve “earned” which I lack--but upon viewing the big picture of their lives it still looks profoundly unsatisfying, unfulfilling, and exhausting.
The truth is, I don’t want to live like this anymore, but it’s all I know and it’s all I can afford to do. I’m unwilling and unable to assimilate and doing so wouldn’t solve my problems, anyway. The world isn’t changing and neither am I. There’s no room to excel in my life. Any hopes, dreams, or ambitions I may develop or keep in my head and heart are extinguished as soon as they’re realized by the fact that I have no resources and no way to acquire resources. I can shoplift some things I need, but any larger goals will never be achieved. I can’t even humor small hobbies most of the time, and I’m honestly hardly interested in creating anymore because the world is ending and I just want to experience exciting and joyful things before we all die. The passions I’ve had throughout my life and been able to scheme my way into exercising--writing and self-publishing zines, blogging, photography, music, activism, community organizing--have all eventually been taken from me because I was reliant on outside sources, whether they be an office supply chain hack, or other people, or someone else’s space. True independence is basically impossible unless you’re born into money, and I can’t afford to use the resources being hoarded by capitalists and people who got the right numbers in the birth lottery.
Capitalism and the way the world works is unacceptable. But most people have accepted it and will be slowly killed by it. Hell, most people can’t even admit that they’re struggling, or that they’d quit their job tomorrow if they didn’t need money to survive; or worse, they blame themselves for not being rich and are still delusional enough to think they’ll get there one day if they just keep playing by the rules. As a result, I too will be slowly killed by this. It affects every aspect of everyday life whether you participate or not. I don’t want to struggle anymore. What I want out of this life of mine isn’t much, but it’s still unattainable under these conditions which I/we have so little power over. All I can do is try to pass time knowing I’ve reached my own pathetic peak.
I want to die, but I’ve already failed at that once before. I don’t know what to do. Everything is a lose-lose situation; a catch-22. I do not want to be a part of this world. I wish there were a way to opt out and still get a life worth living, but there isn’t. No part of me wants to see tomorrow. Isn’t it absolutely crazy that none of us signed up for this system, but we have no choice but to participate or else be punished for our refusal to through the restriction of the most basic of necessities to survive comfortably?
I’ve spent the last decade of my life trying to find happiness in a life of poverty and resistance. I’ve had some fun and accomplished some small personal victories. But mostly, I’ve just been sad, angry, and uncomfortable. Either option is a profound struggle. I always figured the struggle I chose would be worth it. And in some ways, it has been, since I’ve been afforded certain freedoms I would not have had, had I chose to work my whole life. I’ve also been able to maintain some semblance of agency and self-respect, I guess, which ultimately still isn’t much and is worth nothing at your grave. I oftentimes look at the majority of people around me who obviously have not chosen the bum option but have also not been born into money, and I envy the material advantages they’ve “earned” which I lack--but upon viewing the big picture of their lives it still looks profoundly unsatisfying, unfulfilling, and exhausting.
The truth is, I don’t want to live like this anymore, but it’s all I know and it’s all I can afford to do. I’m unwilling and unable to assimilate and doing so wouldn’t solve my problems, anyway. The world isn’t changing and neither am I. There’s no room to excel in my life. Any hopes, dreams, or ambitions I may develop or keep in my head and heart are extinguished as soon as they’re realized by the fact that I have no resources and no way to acquire resources. I can shoplift some things I need, but any larger goals will never be achieved. I can’t even humor small hobbies most of the time, and I’m honestly hardly interested in creating anymore because the world is ending and I just want to experience exciting and joyful things before we all die. The passions I’ve had throughout my life and been able to scheme my way into exercising--writing and self-publishing zines, blogging, photography, music, activism, community organizing--have all eventually been taken from me because I was reliant on outside sources, whether they be an office supply chain hack, or other people, or someone else’s space. True independence is basically impossible unless you’re born into money, and I can’t afford to use the resources being hoarded by capitalists and people who got the right numbers in the birth lottery.
Capitalism and the way the world works is unacceptable. But most people have accepted it and will be slowly killed by it. Hell, most people can’t even admit that they’re struggling, or that they’d quit their job tomorrow if they didn’t need money to survive; or worse, they blame themselves for not being rich and are still delusional enough to think they’ll get there one day if they just keep playing by the rules. As a result, I too will be slowly killed by this. It affects every aspect of everyday life whether you participate or not. I don’t want to struggle anymore. What I want out of this life of mine isn’t much, but it’s still unattainable under these conditions which I/we have so little power over. All I can do is try to pass time knowing I’ve reached my own pathetic peak.
I want to die, but I’ve already failed at that once before. I don’t know what to do. Everything is a lose-lose situation; a catch-22. I do not want to be a part of this world. I wish there were a way to opt out and still get a life worth living, but there isn’t. No part of me wants to see tomorrow. Isn’t it absolutely crazy that none of us signed up for this system, but we have no choice but to participate or else be punished for our refusal to through the restriction of the most basic of necessities to survive comfortably?