Disposition
TO LIVE JOURNAL ADDICTS: I have never liked or condoned the idea and use of live journal. I have always seen a journal as a private thing in which one writes the things one can never tell another. To post a "live journal" of such thoughts so that others may read seemed foolish. If I owned a journal, it would most likley contain thoughts that would hurt people if they ever knew such thoughts were true. So, to write such thoughts online for the world to see, it would be carless to me. Also, I thought, if I wanted someone to know how I felt, I would tell them. I think when people honestly describe themselves on livejournal, it is cowardly. People who write these journals have to know that it is meant for others to read. How can you be honest with your darkest feelings if you know someone is going to read them. Therefor, I think people use livejournal as a cowardly way to tell people what they don't want to say to someone's face. I use to consider this practice discraceful but I now realize the error in my judgment because I now have so much to say and it is more painful than I can ever imagine. I have never wanted anyone to know what I felt before but now I feel it nessacary to pour out my soul. I now intend to use the livejournal to serve this very purpose; to tell everyone things that are hard to say. This is new to me which makes it very hard. I still think it is cowardly, however, so I intend this to be my first and last live journal entry. I apologize if I have offended or misjudged anyone's situation.
TO EVERYONE: I have everything though I have never asked for anything. I am a white male of the age of 17. I live in America. My two story half brick and half log home, which was built by my father, rests in an eleven acre valley in the most beautiful hills of Bald Knob just outside of Frankfort Kentucky. It is wooded and very secluded with a small creek running through. It is the most wonderful place I know. My parents are self made and self employed. My mother owns a highly successful delicatessen while my father buys low value properties, cleans and renovates them himself, and rents them out. I have a younger sister whom I love dearly. My parents were married before I was born and are still to this day. I have had the best home life anyone could ever hope to have. I consider our family to be doing well finacially. I have never experienced a single family problem in my entire life. I just graduated high school yesterday and I have arranged to study at the University of Kentucky so to become and electrical engineer. My life has always been perfect. I am a quiet individual. I have always been calm and reserved. I am a thinker, a dreamer. I don't do much or say much but I think all of the time. I analyze every aspect of everything every moment of my life. I have never had an enemy nor have I ever hated anyone. I find there are people who's company I dislike but they have done nothing to me personally so I have nothing against them. I am very open minded and forgiving and it is very hard for me to dislike anyone. In the same regaurd, it is very difficult for me to find someone I truely like or admire. Because of this, I don't have many friends nor do I want them. Sure, I may have many people who's company I enjoy but they are not truely my friends. The only person I ever truly liked, aside from my family, was Brandon Ashur. I have considered him my best and only true friend for seven years now though now all that is begging to change.
TO BRANDON: Seven years have I considered you to be my best friend and only person who deeply understands who I am and how I feel. For seven years I have been there for you through everything; terrible things. I have done my best to help you cope with alienation, financial problems, family problems, suicide, attempted murder, relationships, friendships, mental problems, spiritual problems, sexual problems, emotional problems, and so much more. So many times did you leave me for the company of new friends only to be hurt and later beg my forgivness. So many times did I grant such forgivness for hurting me, others, and yourself. Where are you now? In your life and mine? In the discriminating eyes of others we know? In Jennifer's loving, forgiving arms? Where are you now for me? You left us freshman year. You went to E.D.C. and you left us. You found new friends, wrong friends, and you led a double life. I didn't give a damn if you were leading a terrible double life full of drinking and sex. It didn't matter to me what poor decisions you made. I was going to be there to help you deal with your problems and lighten your spirits. When everyone else would spit on your name and call you scum and a liar, I believed you and supported you and risked my own reputation to speak on your belhalf when you were no longer there to defend yourself. The pain that I endured and the shit I went through everyday was all worth it because I knew you were the only true friend I had and you we were the only one's who understood eachother. So blindly did I believe and just as blindly follow. While you were gone, we met Jennifer. She fell for me but I was not ready. I was taking on every bit of pain you were feeling after Erin hurt you so. I wasn't about to take on my own relationship while I was trying to help you deal with suicide from your relationship. So, I rejected Jennifer despite that I liked her. I realized how much it hurt her and how I was in her position once myself. I cursed myself for my foolish, selfish, and short sighted error. I have only ever found two women whom I thought I could love. Kat, which I can see would not have worked and was not meant to be, and Jennifer. I thought I could redeem myself self with a heart filled apology and an invitation to prom. I missed my chance, however, when you asked her out so abruptly. I thought it was premature of you having just come out of such a terrible ordeal but I thought that you were a good person deep down and, feeling that I foolishly missed my chance, thought you deserved a chance. It pained me that I could now no longer tell Jennifer how I really felt or apologize for the pain I had caused her but I knew that revealing such information would jepordize your chances and, feeling that I had hurt her and no longer deserved her, I was not about to interfere with whatever made my best friend, just reviving from mobid depression, happy. So I sat back and obsereved encouragingly. The many people whom you have apparently wronged were very close friends to Jennifer and thought you were bad for her. You know this story. How against overwhelming evidence of scandle against Jennifer, the most innocent and beautiful girl I loved, and pressure from everyone I knew, I still trusted you and supported you and spoke up for you. You know I was the only one you could trust, the only one who beieved you. You know how much shit I went through for you. After all that, how hard it was for me to see you as the same genuinly good person after all the things you did to Jennifer. Finding out that you still loved Erin despite what she had done. Discovering that you knew my feelings for Jennifer when you went out with her. Knowing from Lisa that you spend nearly everyday with Erin, that most of the things you tell us are lies after I believed you for so long. To realize your probably still fucking Erin. Realizing despite everything I have done for you that you are only a self centered leech on society. That you have never worked for anything you have and still don't appreciate it. That you would throw me away like trash with no regaurd for my feelings. To realize that my best friend for seven years is all the things I have ever hated in my life. I'll tell you, it's hard. It's hard to hate you but I do now. So go fuck Erin, taint Jennifer's innocence, hurt Chelsey even more than life already has, crush your family, disregaurd those who love you, throw me away like trash, leech from those who work for the things they have, lie to those who trust you, remain ignorant for the rest of your miserable life in the paradise you don't appreciate, and shoot yourself in the face. I will no longer take responsibility nor will I care. You have brought me down one too many times and I will no longer have your shit. So, as I said yesterday night, FUCK OFF! Jennifer talked to me that night because she has the courage to. She talked me down from killing you and may have saved your ass. I don't know why she cares for you after all the shit your putting her through but you owe her your very life because I was going to kill you. So now, if you want try to beg forgivness again, and admitt your errors and short comings, I will listen and mabey I will eventually calm down but if you ever fuck with me or anyone else again, don't expect our friendship to ever be the same. You had better be totally honest with me because if I ever find out more shit, I don't know how I'll handle it after all of this. Call me if you still have any desency in your rotted soul.
TO JENNIFER: I'm so very sorry. Sorry I hurt you. Sorry for everything you've gone through. Sorry for unloading my problems on you. I realize you can never love me for fear that my actions toward Brandon are a product of irrational envy. All I can do is appologize and give you my word that I have always done, am doing, and always will do what I think is right. I am sorry I have been depressed around you. I feel like am bringing you down and you don't deserve to have to put up with me. I wanted to be strong and be there for you but instead I have made you concern for me. Please don't. There really isn't much I can offer. I will not stop you from remaining with Brandon if that is what makes you happy. Right now though, I feel like a mess. If I could ask one more favor, I would like to hear, from your lips, how you honestly feel about me. Spare no cruel remark. It would put me at ease to know how you honeslty feel. Once again I am sorry for troubles I have caused and for being so wierd lately. I hope we can still enjoy, what I want to make, the best summer of my life together. I am going to miss you so very much when I leave Frankfort. Hell, I'm going to miss everyone and everyting but I want you to know that I will miss you more than you can ever imagine. I will always remember you and you will always be beautiful to me.
TO SEAN: I always thought Brandon was the only true friend I had but I can see now that you are there for me. I'm sorry that I can't help you more with your problems. All I can seem to do is wish you well and try to just get your mind off it. I hope this summer will remedy your ulcer. Just keep thinking: we graduated, it's over, and we never have to deal with anything again if we don't want to.
TO CHELSEY: I'm sorry if I spelled your name wrong. It depresses me to be depressed because I have no right to be. Life has been so good to me and even though I have never taken it for granted, I still feel like I owe so much. I'm sorry I don't talk to you so much but I've never been one to talk a lot. If you ever want to talk, please feel free to.
TO WILL: I wish we could all be as happy as you seem to be. Thanks for listening yesterday.
TO BOB: I'm sorry if I made you feel the way you do. Thanks for sharing yesterday.
TO MY PARENTS: You will probably never read this. I love you and thank you with all of my heart though I don't tell you enough. It is you that have sculpted me into the man that I am today. You give me everything and ask for nothing. I owe you everything and I will miss you every moment once I leave.
TO CASEY: You also will probably never read this but I will miss you more than anyone or anything. You are growing up so well. Stay as you are forever.
TO FRANKFORT: I will never find a place I like the same way and I will always be home at heart.
TO EVERYONE IN CLOSING: It took time an tears to write this. Please do not take any word of it lightly. I suppose it's best to put our problems aside once and a while and enjoy life which is what I plan to do this summer. This is not nearly everything but it is something and I am a little relieved haveing written it. It is now 1:21 AM and I am exausted so I will take my leave. If you have read this, thank you for hearing me.
With the deepest sincerity,
Jesse Ray Smith
TO EVERYONE: I have everything though I have never asked for anything. I am a white male of the age of 17. I live in America. My two story half brick and half log home, which was built by my father, rests in an eleven acre valley in the most beautiful hills of Bald Knob just outside of Frankfort Kentucky. It is wooded and very secluded with a small creek running through. It is the most wonderful place I know. My parents are self made and self employed. My mother owns a highly successful delicatessen while my father buys low value properties, cleans and renovates them himself, and rents them out. I have a younger sister whom I love dearly. My parents were married before I was born and are still to this day. I have had the best home life anyone could ever hope to have. I consider our family to be doing well finacially. I have never experienced a single family problem in my entire life. I just graduated high school yesterday and I have arranged to study at the University of Kentucky so to become and electrical engineer. My life has always been perfect. I am a quiet individual. I have always been calm and reserved. I am a thinker, a dreamer. I don't do much or say much but I think all of the time. I analyze every aspect of everything every moment of my life. I have never had an enemy nor have I ever hated anyone. I find there are people who's company I dislike but they have done nothing to me personally so I have nothing against them. I am very open minded and forgiving and it is very hard for me to dislike anyone. In the same regaurd, it is very difficult for me to find someone I truely like or admire. Because of this, I don't have many friends nor do I want them. Sure, I may have many people who's company I enjoy but they are not truely my friends. The only person I ever truly liked, aside from my family, was Brandon Ashur. I have considered him my best and only true friend for seven years now though now all that is begging to change.
TO BRANDON: Seven years have I considered you to be my best friend and only person who deeply understands who I am and how I feel. For seven years I have been there for you through everything; terrible things. I have done my best to help you cope with alienation, financial problems, family problems, suicide, attempted murder, relationships, friendships, mental problems, spiritual problems, sexual problems, emotional problems, and so much more. So many times did you leave me for the company of new friends only to be hurt and later beg my forgivness. So many times did I grant such forgivness for hurting me, others, and yourself. Where are you now? In your life and mine? In the discriminating eyes of others we know? In Jennifer's loving, forgiving arms? Where are you now for me? You left us freshman year. You went to E.D.C. and you left us. You found new friends, wrong friends, and you led a double life. I didn't give a damn if you were leading a terrible double life full of drinking and sex. It didn't matter to me what poor decisions you made. I was going to be there to help you deal with your problems and lighten your spirits. When everyone else would spit on your name and call you scum and a liar, I believed you and supported you and risked my own reputation to speak on your belhalf when you were no longer there to defend yourself. The pain that I endured and the shit I went through everyday was all worth it because I knew you were the only true friend I had and you we were the only one's who understood eachother. So blindly did I believe and just as blindly follow. While you were gone, we met Jennifer. She fell for me but I was not ready. I was taking on every bit of pain you were feeling after Erin hurt you so. I wasn't about to take on my own relationship while I was trying to help you deal with suicide from your relationship. So, I rejected Jennifer despite that I liked her. I realized how much it hurt her and how I was in her position once myself. I cursed myself for my foolish, selfish, and short sighted error. I have only ever found two women whom I thought I could love. Kat, which I can see would not have worked and was not meant to be, and Jennifer. I thought I could redeem myself self with a heart filled apology and an invitation to prom. I missed my chance, however, when you asked her out so abruptly. I thought it was premature of you having just come out of such a terrible ordeal but I thought that you were a good person deep down and, feeling that I foolishly missed my chance, thought you deserved a chance. It pained me that I could now no longer tell Jennifer how I really felt or apologize for the pain I had caused her but I knew that revealing such information would jepordize your chances and, feeling that I had hurt her and no longer deserved her, I was not about to interfere with whatever made my best friend, just reviving from mobid depression, happy. So I sat back and obsereved encouragingly. The many people whom you have apparently wronged were very close friends to Jennifer and thought you were bad for her. You know this story. How against overwhelming evidence of scandle against Jennifer, the most innocent and beautiful girl I loved, and pressure from everyone I knew, I still trusted you and supported you and spoke up for you. You know I was the only one you could trust, the only one who beieved you. You know how much shit I went through for you. After all that, how hard it was for me to see you as the same genuinly good person after all the things you did to Jennifer. Finding out that you still loved Erin despite what she had done. Discovering that you knew my feelings for Jennifer when you went out with her. Knowing from Lisa that you spend nearly everyday with Erin, that most of the things you tell us are lies after I believed you for so long. To realize your probably still fucking Erin. Realizing despite everything I have done for you that you are only a self centered leech on society. That you have never worked for anything you have and still don't appreciate it. That you would throw me away like trash with no regaurd for my feelings. To realize that my best friend for seven years is all the things I have ever hated in my life. I'll tell you, it's hard. It's hard to hate you but I do now. So go fuck Erin, taint Jennifer's innocence, hurt Chelsey even more than life already has, crush your family, disregaurd those who love you, throw me away like trash, leech from those who work for the things they have, lie to those who trust you, remain ignorant for the rest of your miserable life in the paradise you don't appreciate, and shoot yourself in the face. I will no longer take responsibility nor will I care. You have brought me down one too many times and I will no longer have your shit. So, as I said yesterday night, FUCK OFF! Jennifer talked to me that night because she has the courage to. She talked me down from killing you and may have saved your ass. I don't know why she cares for you after all the shit your putting her through but you owe her your very life because I was going to kill you. So now, if you want try to beg forgivness again, and admitt your errors and short comings, I will listen and mabey I will eventually calm down but if you ever fuck with me or anyone else again, don't expect our friendship to ever be the same. You had better be totally honest with me because if I ever find out more shit, I don't know how I'll handle it after all of this. Call me if you still have any desency in your rotted soul.
TO JENNIFER: I'm so very sorry. Sorry I hurt you. Sorry for everything you've gone through. Sorry for unloading my problems on you. I realize you can never love me for fear that my actions toward Brandon are a product of irrational envy. All I can do is appologize and give you my word that I have always done, am doing, and always will do what I think is right. I am sorry I have been depressed around you. I feel like am bringing you down and you don't deserve to have to put up with me. I wanted to be strong and be there for you but instead I have made you concern for me. Please don't. There really isn't much I can offer. I will not stop you from remaining with Brandon if that is what makes you happy. Right now though, I feel like a mess. If I could ask one more favor, I would like to hear, from your lips, how you honestly feel about me. Spare no cruel remark. It would put me at ease to know how you honeslty feel. Once again I am sorry for troubles I have caused and for being so wierd lately. I hope we can still enjoy, what I want to make, the best summer of my life together. I am going to miss you so very much when I leave Frankfort. Hell, I'm going to miss everyone and everyting but I want you to know that I will miss you more than you can ever imagine. I will always remember you and you will always be beautiful to me.
TO SEAN: I always thought Brandon was the only true friend I had but I can see now that you are there for me. I'm sorry that I can't help you more with your problems. All I can seem to do is wish you well and try to just get your mind off it. I hope this summer will remedy your ulcer. Just keep thinking: we graduated, it's over, and we never have to deal with anything again if we don't want to.
TO CHELSEY: I'm sorry if I spelled your name wrong. It depresses me to be depressed because I have no right to be. Life has been so good to me and even though I have never taken it for granted, I still feel like I owe so much. I'm sorry I don't talk to you so much but I've never been one to talk a lot. If you ever want to talk, please feel free to.
TO WILL: I wish we could all be as happy as you seem to be. Thanks for listening yesterday.
TO BOB: I'm sorry if I made you feel the way you do. Thanks for sharing yesterday.
TO MY PARENTS: You will probably never read this. I love you and thank you with all of my heart though I don't tell you enough. It is you that have sculpted me into the man that I am today. You give me everything and ask for nothing. I owe you everything and I will miss you every moment once I leave.
TO CASEY: You also will probably never read this but I will miss you more than anyone or anything. You are growing up so well. Stay as you are forever.
TO FRANKFORT: I will never find a place I like the same way and I will always be home at heart.
TO EVERYONE IN CLOSING: It took time an tears to write this. Please do not take any word of it lightly. I suppose it's best to put our problems aside once and a while and enjoy life which is what I plan to do this summer. This is not nearly everything but it is something and I am a little relieved haveing written it. It is now 1:21 AM and I am exausted so I will take my leave. If you have read this, thank you for hearing me.
With the deepest sincerity,
Jesse Ray Smith